[Stormster]

I don't know how else to do this though! E really does rule the house and it was cute but he clearly has a very strong/stubborn personality so letting him play with Daddy's ties or otherwise have his way won't serve him.

I feel really upset and defensive because I know I do indulge him a lot but I've never done this before and I want the world to feel like a magical place to him!

He is VERY nice and a GREAT sharer with other kids but with Mommy and Daddy it's true, he gets his way and can get a bit whiney/demanding.

I don't have anyone to help me with this so I'm reaching out to my A.com sisters for advice.

Do I want to be pulling things out of his hands all day saying "no?" or pick my battles? Obviously something that's not safe is always a no no but much of it really is curiousity (like Daddy's ties, he thinks he's helping him get dressed!)

What about picking him up? Getting a cookie? Playing with something specific? Just not sure how to have a happy kid who also isn't spoiled but I do NOT want a spoiled child. Any words of wisdom on this?

[joskids]

Storm, we have just the opposite situation in our home. Daddy spoils Natalie at times by smiling at something she says or does that I might find fault with. Not that I haven't done my share, trust me.

Just remember that no one knows your child better than you do. He is a toddler - you can't say "no" to a toddler every minute (although some days it feels like that's exactly what I'm doing with Natalie). She's incredibly beautiful physically and it doesn't help that everywhere we go, people point that out to her. My bottom line is to try and raise a child that people see as beautiful on the inside. With a 3 year old, it's getting tougher by the minute.

I won't offer any advice to you because, although I've raised 8 children, I don't call myself an expert. I do think it's important to raise our children as individauls because each of my 8 children has been so different and no set rule applies to all of them.

Looking back on my many years of parenting, it's a wonderful feeling to see my 4 grown children as successful, responsible and respectful adults. So that when I have a difficult day with this 3 year old, I don't beat myself up too badly.

[yehudit]

We tend to indulge our kids too. But we have rules, and if we say no for any reason, that is the end of the story and if we see a tantrum we do not give in. Some think we're too lenient, others think we're too strict (go figure).

In terms of playing with ties -- as long as he does it safely and cleans up after himself (respect for someone else's things) I don't see a problem. But if DH doesn't want him to play with them, then maybe that should be a new rule -- daddy says no, end of story.

It's so hard to set boundaries at first when they're so little, but you will see how rules evolve that work for you and your family.

Good luck,

[CaddoRose]

It's a balancing act. He needs to know that when you say "no", you mean it and he has to stop. This can become a danger issue later. On the other hand, we want our kids to be inquisitive and learn, so it's about deciding what things he can touch, that he won't hurt and when to redirect him to more appropriate items.

I have a few rules about things not to touch-the TV remote, any electronics/TV, so no touching the buttons, don't reach up and take anything off a table or counter( because you can pull something off and break it or spill it, etc), no swinging doors or trying to open cabinets.

As for the whining, I stop that right away. When I say no, they can be mad about it, but they can not take it out on the rest of us with whining or crying. Also, when I say no, I mean no and it won't ever change, so whining about it won't change it but will get you in time out. It's easier to stop that behavior now than to later listen to a 6 or 12 yr old whine. My DD(12yrs old) has friends who still whine at their parents instead of asking. I makes my teeth itch.

[aclee]

I have my own views on things regarding spoiling. I think kids CAN be spoiled without being spoiled rotten so to speak. I think when you have a "good" kid who does well in school, does extra activites etc, you can give them more. You balance it with them understanding they have the more and that it's because they make the right choices.

So how do you start that now when E is too little to really know the right choices? I think you set him up for success. I dislike having to tell Tyler no a million times a day. But he is the type of kid that needs a lot of redirection and to be taught boundaries. One day I decided I would just flip out when he did anything little thing right. SO I did. He randomly kissed one of the dogs. Instead of thinking, oh that's cute, I fell down to the floor with him, and used a really high squeaky voice and told him over and over, "Good Gentle!" "Good Boy!" Over and over. He was so excited he kept kissing the dog. I kept praising him. Then he started kissing my leg (instead of scratching it!) and I did the same thing. He almost never scratches any more. If he picks up something and has it in his mouth, I hold out my hand and he takes it out and brings it over to me. Then I sing, Thank yous and get all excited. It's a lot easier than chasing him down and doing a blind finger sweep.

Just learn from what happens. If you know E is going to go for Dad's ties every time he's in your room and Dad doesn't want him to play with them, then move them. He will find something else to do. If he has a tantrum cause he can't find them, then ignore that, but chances are he'll move on pretty quick. As far as taking things from him I don't want him to have though...I see it as my fault. If it's not going to hur the object, or hurt Ty, I let him have it this time, and then *I* make sure he can't get it again. If I have to take something away, I redirect and give him something else equally cool. That works about 50% of the time. The rest of the time if I've tried a couple redirects and new objects and he's set on a tantrum, then I walk away.

[NicoleP80]

Kids NEED boundries and consequences from early on. This provides for them a sense of security. Children THRIVE on boundries and consequences.

Yes, pick your battles. But pick them wisely. Don't not say no to something b/c you don't want to deal with the tantrum or tears.

If your husband says no to the ties, then do not let him play with those and be a united front and say "mommy and daddy say no to the ties, lets find something else".

If you allow your child to "test" or "do" whatever he pleases for fear of making his childhood anything less than grand you are doing him a disservice. Once he gets into the real world where mom and dad can't be with him it will be culture shock.

Sounds like you are doing a GREAT job with him. You just need to outline some definete boundries and that means talking with dad about what he wants too.

GOOD LUCK MOMMY!!!

[OakShannon]

I find this to be a hard one, too. To some extent, you can't blame a toddler for being whiny or demanding sometimes. They are very dependent and they can't tell you what they want most of the time. I do not like whining, though! If David was older, I wouldn't respond to it. But since he can't talk he's going to whine for things. I just encourage him to ask for things by name if he knows the word for it. I don't feel like I can really enforce a "no whining" rule on a 17-month-old.

We pretty much have it set up so that if a closet, drawer or cabinet is safe, he can play in it. If not, it's locked so he can't get in it and that really helps keep me from having to say "no" 100 times a day. If your DH doesn't want him in his ties, then maybe there is a way to make it inaccessible so you don't have keep telling E "no". I'm sure he has his reasons. There are some accessible things in our house that David can't play with - like the stereo, cat food and lamps. I look at those things as a chance to practice self control. He understands that they are off limits, but sometimes it's hard to resist. So we practice and I give him lots of praise when he stops himself. I'm not worried that he's going to be unhappy with limits, but I also don't expect him to be able to follow them consistently yet. He's not spoiled. He's just little.

[Saya]

I think everyone here has given you great advice! I also think that you and your husband should make some decisions together about what E is permitted to play with and what he isn't and, as Shannon says, make the things that aren't permitted as inaccessible and out of visable range as possible. In fact, maybe try to think six months or a year ahead - sure he can't see the top of this shelf NOW, but will he be able to in a month?

I feel like I'm often too lenient in this way too - if I coudl go back and change it, I honestly think I'd be a little more strict/hard-core from the beginning. I believe in pick your battles, but I think sometimes I let her pick them rather then me pick them! I'm trying to be better though. The more that DH and I act as a united front, the easier it is, I find.

Of course now A has started with the "But Daddy said I could" when daddy didn't say anything of the kind! Where did she learn to be so sneaky!?

[Stormster]

Our house gets a B+ for baby proofing but the tie thing was sort of a surprise! ANd honestly you can't break a tie though he does have a penchant for Daddy's two very expensive Burberry ties ......

You are right we need to sit down and talk about how we want to do things!

[thanksgivingmom]

My SIL is big on "picking her battles" - problem is, she rarely seemed to pick them! (Not saying that's what you're doing, just saying it's a danger of the "pick your battles" mantra!)

I agree with a previous poster that said you and DH need to be on the same page. I think "Daddy says no" is an unfair way to go - because Daddy of course doesn't want to be the "bad guy." Also, ties aren't a toy, so it makes sense that this would be something off limits.

I think your vision of the world being a magical place for E is great - but I also think kids can have WONDERFUL childhoods and be absolutely happy all the while having rules and boundaries. You should be the one to rule the house (with DH) and still providing E all the happiness in the world. Kids might whine at naptime, but they need them. Kids might cry when we put sunscreen on them, but they need it. And kids might not always be happy with the rules and boundaries, but they need those too.

E wants really simple things now.....but he needs to know who runs the house, because someday, the things he wants or needs might not be so simple.

[Stormster]

TG mom that is all sooo true and so well said.

[thanksgivingmom]

Phew! I was worried for a second it didn't come out right

[feelingreyt]

I truly believe you have to set boundaries. Baby proofing your home is a MUST, however, there are some things that you just can't put away out of reach. Children have to be taught that just because they want something doesn't mean that they can have it.
Yes, choose your battles, but make sure E knows that mommy and daddy are boss.
Now the battles are small, but as he gets older, they will be bigger harder battles.
He needs to know that just because a drawer isn't locked, doesn't mean he can have access to it. What happens when he is older and is at someone's house and finds a closet unlocked and gets into something very harmful/dangerous? We say that would never happen to my child, but one really never knows. Children need to know there are rules and boundaries, otherwise they will have a very hard time when they venture out of the house, to school, to play, anywhere.
If we start enforcing boundaries when they are young, it will be so much easier to keep enforcing boundaries as they grow older. You can't just start having rules over night and expect a teenager to be OK with that.
I know I'm rambling on and on, but I truly believe that a child will ultimately be happier and more secure in the World if they learn to Respect and Obey their parents.

NOW, if I could just apply what I believe to everyday life it would be so easy, LOL! I still can't figure out how to get little H from spitting on everybody and everything when he gets mad!

[Stormster]

It's so true, and E isn't a bad kid, he doesn't test boundaries that often but he's terrible with the electric toothbrush and ties both of which I did not set boundaries on early enough.

However, like with touching the flat screen TV I went fairly ballistic on that one and while he does touch it every now and he really hasn't tested it.

And DH is right, his ties are like my ....I don't know, my makeup or something and he values them and doesn't need E's grubby little yogurt hands all over them.

Slightly OT but not really, i decided to take lower gate off stairs just to see how he does and he doesn't seem that interested!

But i'm wondering i guess you have to leave both gates on until both gates are off????

[sbaglio]

Chiming in here...I agree with those who say that you and your DH have to be on the same page. I try to recall the way I was raised, which was great in general, but there are obviously things I do differently.

We always agree when it comes to discipline. If we don't agree, we step away for a sec and discuss it before returning to the situation, or the one who disagrees keeps silent until we can discuss it.

We try to redirect, redirect, redirect. There are certain things that are off-bounds, such as the stereo etc. We limit the "no"s, and try to stick to "that's not okay." We always try to explain why she shouldn't touch or play with something, rather than just saying it. It's funny - she'll actually stop, stare at you, and listen, and who knows how much she understands, but sometimes she actually complies!

No corporal punishment ever.

As with aclee, we also do a lot of praising. She knows that when she picks up something, it's a blast to bring it over to us, because she'll get a big "Gracias!!", then she'll run off clapping her hands with glee.

The Look, as I mentioned in another thread, usually works when she's screaming, as does a stern "Stop." Our DD has a lot of gumption at times, so it's a day-by-day thing, but we're lucky that most of the time she's just a blast to be around and there's no need to discipline her.

I do think that you can spoil a child, and we try to keep that in mind. It's hard when you only have one child, but it serves the child better in the long run.