[ChromaKelly]

OK, sorry if you all are tired of me posting about the same subject. I just don't have anyone IRL who understands and can relate to why I am the one who's so hung up on contact.

Here's where we're at so far with contact with Caleb's birthmom. We were matched just two weeks before she had him. We spoke on the phone fairly frequently, as she was due and we had a lot to go over in a short amount of time, and also checking in to see how she was. Baby is born, we see her in the hospital, seem to get along OK, she tells SW she really likes us and is comfortable with her decision. During the ICPC wait, we did travel elsewhere in the state to be near the agency and file in the county they preferred us to file. So, we didn't see her after Caleb was discharged. I did call her during the ICPC, and then when we got home.

Once home, I called a couple times, sent my updates on time. Late November when I called, she said she hadn't received any of the pictures I sent, so I of course felt awful and reprinted all the pictures, and sent them in my next update to the agency. She said she was moving and was going to call me with her new address. I decided not to call for a bit, as I was always the one calling. In February, I call her, she sounds very happy to hear from me, says she lost her cell phone and that's why she didn't call. I get her new address and relay that to the agency. The agency had her grandmother's address on their records. During that phone call (and this I had kind of overlooked before), she mentioned that she had not gone over to her grandmother's, so she wasn't sure if the other packets had gotten to her. She had not relayed her new address to the agency.

DH brought those points to my attention. If she was really into maintaining contact, even with losing the phone and all that, she could have looked up the agency's phone number and had them relay a message to us, and that she hasn't gone over to pick up the other packets. And of course, the fact that I am always the one calling. I include our address, phone, and email in every update and say "please feel free to call or write any time." DH thinks maybe she's just too polite to say she doesn't really want any contact, or maybe it's too hard for her. Our agreement is monthly updates/pics for the first year, then once a year till 18. That's what she asked for, and we agreed. I did ask while we were in the wait if she was OK with phone calls and she said yes, but it's not official.

OK, promise I'm done rambling now! So would you feel it's time to just leave the proverbial ball in her court? I have not tried to call since February. I get the updates out faithfully. Is it enough that I am doing what we agreed to do? I feel like I need to do more to maintain contact. With just having a cell phone number for her, and that she is young and seems to move frequently, I feel like it would be so easy to lose track of her.

[Fran27]

I think I'd stick to what's been decided, send the updates, even if they go to her grandmother, make sure she knows how to contact you, and leave it to her... I agree that if she really wanted to get the packets she would have gone and picked them up, instead of making you reprint everything... and given her new address to the agency.

I'm sorry you're going through this!

[Steph-Jason]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I say stick to what was agreed upon. DH may be right- she may not be as OK with the contact as you think & maybe doesn't want to hurt your feelings (don't know if that's the case- just speculating).

[OakShannon]

Take this for what it's worth - our adoption isn't open and I know nothin' about it. But . . .

Caleb is really young and I would imagine that bmom's feelings are still pretty raw. It may be hard for her at this point to look at his pictures or initiate contact. So if she seems happy when you call, I wouldn't necessarily change what you are doing. Keep sending updates and making the occasional call and give it more time before backing away from trying to connect.

[snaps]

Unfortunately you may be in for a long road of this. We do have contact (far more open on our end) and we have constant mixed signals from bmom. One day it is like, "We are family and I love you guys and I miss you and I want visits......" and the next it is no contact for months and even once for almost a year. Weird thing for us is that we have the same bmom for both kids.

With our daughter's adoption (3 1/2 years ago) she intially thought she wanted a closed adoption, but we became close and visited prior to the birth and met many extended family members. At the birth we were there with many of her family members and some of bdad's family. We had a lot of contact and then it just stopped for almost a year. It drove me insane and NO ONE understood why. I just kept thinking I did something wrong or upset her or whatever. I just kept sending the letters, pictures, emails etc. letting her know we were open to whatever she wanted and asked that she please let us know via email or whatever way she wanted. Anyways, over the last year we have had much better contact and once she said, "I wish we would have had visits because it would have been so much easier for me." I hate to say it, but I was pissed. It was almost like she implied that it was our fault although I asked her repeatedly what she wanted. I told her we never knew what she wanted because she never said and that if she was going to proceed with visits then I have to know she is not going to float in and out of DD's life like that. She assured me she wouldn't.

Last fall she contacted me with another unplanned pregnancy and asked us if we wanted to adopt (same bdad as well). We had been trying to adopt again for a year and a half and were ecstatic. We talked on the phone and had a visit for the first time since DD was born. DD got to meet her bio brother who they parent. Contact was great, but started to fade prior to the birth. We were out of state for 3 weeks with the birth (long story) and had visits, dinners together, the kids played, etc. We even drove her to and from the hospital for induction and to doctor's appts. The DS was born and we had LONG visits while we were there waiting for ICPC.

After ICPC we had several phone calls and text messages. Then NOTHING. She didn't return texts (when she asked us to text her) so we stopped sending them. She did finally email, but then is very inconsistent again, "write me back right away...i can't wait to hear from you" then she logs on to myspace and doesn't read the email. i don't know what she wants

Oh and another thing we have had is lots of broken promises. She was going to send DD stuff tons of times and we have never even gotten a card from her. While we were out of state she bought DD a present and her son a present to give them at the time of the birth so they wouldn't feel left out. She ended up giving her son both things and promising to get DD something later. Of course nothing came. At least DD didn't really think about it much.

I struggle with this all the time because now i have two kids who are bio brother and sister with another bio brother out there that bparents are parenting. i want to stay in touch, but it kills me with the ups and downs. I swear sometimes she only contacts us to ask for stuff to. We get a lot of stories about phones being lost, stolen, etc. We have never had outright requests for money, but it has been implied. We do have good contact with some extended family members which helps.

I am sorry this is long, but I totally understand. I am 100% in favor of open adoption, but it is not always easy. Hang in there.

[jp4ga]

The ball IMHO should officially be in her court. The thing with OA is that ALL parties must communicate. The OA is no longer an OA if one party is MIA. Send your updates as you promised but quit stressing over it. You will drive yourself nuts trying to see into her mind. You will drive your family nuts trying to analyze why she does what she does. Live your life and stick to the agreement and don't stress.

When your child is older and asks questions all you can do is tell him what you know and be open and honest with him. Hopefully in time his bmom will return contact.

[ChromaKelly]

Snaps, that would be frustrating! I can relate to feeling like "did I do something wrong?" and wanting to have the connection because there are bio-siblings in the picture.

I guess I'm also frustrated because the picture is usually painted that the a-parents are the ones who don't want contact, and here we are open to contact and hoping for it, and she doesn't seem to want it. I just want Caleb to know that we did try, we didn't "duck" her or anything. I guess all I can do is keep doing the updates and include our contact info every time, and maybe try to call every so often (4-6 months?). I don't want to seem like a stalker. I'm sure this is all still raw for her too.

Edit - Debbie, I was writing this while you posted. You are so right, I need to stop analyzing the "why". I am driving myself crazy! I'll just do my part and leave it at that. Thank you.

[Emberbit]

I would say that I have a fairly good relationship with my daughter’s parents. I see the three of them (mom, dad, baby) fairly frequently. They don’t send pictures, they hand them to me or hide them in my house for me to find later. I’ve babysat while her parents went to a concert that was in my area. Sometimes the amount of contact seems like too much…and sometimes, not near enough. And even when it feels like too much, I always want it.

But I’d never call them if they didn’t call me. I have enough trouble getting up the courage to return a call when they leave a voicemail. What if I interrupt dinner or wake the baby up from a nap or call at a bad time? Will they feel like I’m intruding?

I know that they want to hear from me and that they won’t consider it intruding. We built a great relationship before the birth and it’s still strong after a year. They want me to call (and have asked why I don’t call more often) and initiate contact but I can’t make the worries go away and sometimes I’m paralyzed by indecision and fears that don’t have any basis in reality. I’ve been in counseling weekly since August of 2007 (during pregnancy) and I still can’t do it. If Baby’s mom didn’t make the effort and keep up contact, I don’t know if I could reach out. Even if I missed them so much and just wanted to say “hi”, even knowing that they’d want me to contact them, I don’t know if I could be the one to initiate contact.

[snaps]

Emberbit - thanks for sharing. I sometimes think our kids bmom is just scared too, but I just can't tell. She does so good with us when we are around and it seems so relaxed. We live pretty far away though and I often wonder if it is just that she gets scared. You know how you get scared/nervous when you haven't done something or seen someone in awhile and then it is right back to normal and then you feel stupid that you felt that way with no basis?

ChromaKelly - evidently it is quite common from what I have read for bparents to drop out of the picture after the birth or 1st year of life. Many adoptive couples are worried about contact before the birth and then crave it later and bparents think they want it and then don't later. Now, I am NOT saying that that is how it is for everyone, but it is what I have heard over and over from other people. Good luck

[alinev]

We have a similar sitution with our boys bmom. We gave up using the agency as the go between a few years ago and that was fine but she has since moved several times and my requests for a new address have received no response. I contacted her the day before our oldest son's birthday to tell her we were thinking about her and let us know if she wanted more photos via email and she responded yes but after I sent the photos we didn't hear anything again for a few months. She does have a MySpace page that she logins into everyday so I know she gets my mails. We heard from her again 3 months ago to tell us she had another baby, we have 2 of her sons, and that she was fine. Last week she invited me into a Yahoo contacts page and I agreed and sent more info on the boys. I believe that our bmother just really doesn't want too much contact because her life is really not terribly stable. I don't mean drugs or alcohol, just a series of poor choices, new housing etc. I just let her come to us when she wants to and will always let her know where we are.

[Casey677]

We had a very similar situation. Our dd's bmom moved very frequently (from friends couch to friends couch). I kept up with her the best I could and one day when dd was 11 months old, I just completely lost contact. I had talked to her a few times on the phone (I always was the one who called). She sent us two letters in an 11 month time frame. The last time I spoke to her she told me how hard this all was from her, that she had decided to keep a journal for dd and that was it. She disappeared.

I had a gut feeling that would happen and I still feel like I should have done more to keep in contact with her. I don't know what more I could have done, but surely there must have been something? I check for her on myspace and facebook and google and 3 years later, still no sign of her.

I hope the same doesn't happen in your case. it really hurts my heart and I worry about her constantly. I still feel like I am the one who broke my promise since she hasn't gotten an update in 3 years. I *know* she could call us or the agency at any time. But it doesn't make it any easier.

[ChromaKelly]

Emberlit, thank you for sharing your perspective, I really appreciate it!
It's good to know (although I'm sad you are also in the same situation) that others can relate. I've relayed what's going on to some other people, when they ask if we still have contact, and the response is usually something like "Oh well, you did your part." or "At least she's not introduing." like I should be relieved I'm not hearing from her.

I admit too, I started feeling kind of motherly/big sisterly to her, and I also just want to know what she's up to, if she got back to her classes, how she is doing, stuff like that. I know, not my place, just admitting what's going through my mind.

[snaps]

ChromaKelly - I know. People are always acting like we should be relieved when we haven't heard from bmom. They are like, "whew, aren't you glad that is over?" I hate when people say stuff like that.

I too feel like I want to know everything is getting better or that her life is back on track. Maybe it is motherly or whatever. I guess I want to see that her decision to place somehow "helped" her life get to a place where it should be.

[momma2be]

I agree with the others, you should follow your agreement and keep your information current with your agency. When/if your birthmother is ready, she will "remember" to call the agency and get intouch. I am sure this is a difficult time. Our birthmother actually requested that we not contact her and allow her to contact us when she is ready. As an adoptee, myself, I feel that it is important that you do your part and keep what info you have on your son's birthmother for future use (if he is interested in contacting her). I never had contact with my birthmom and would love to have a name and some background info to help me locate her.

I would put the "ball" in her court at this time. You have followed the agreement and must understand that perhaps the birthmom needs her time.