[TAP]

I everyone. I would appreciate any thoughts/advice you might have. We got a call from an agency saying that we fit the profile that an emom was looking for. They are only presenting us and one other couple. The emom is due MONDAY.

So, she was apparently matched with potential adoptive parents for five months. But was too "controlling" about the open adoption plan. She got uncomfortable with the adoptive parents not signing the OA agreement and wanted to be re-matched.

We are ok with open adoption and the terms of the OA agreement. We would also be ok signing.

My real question is I am only going to have a few hours to know her before I enter into a lifelong relationship. And, she didn't get a long with previous match.

Obviously, I don't want to miss this opportunity, but have some bad feelings.

I guess I should just wait to see if she picks us before I worry. Has anyone not gotten along with their birthmom and how have they managed the situation. She is in CA, so she will have access to our names and our contact information and contact will not necessarily just be through the agency. Again, in concept I am ok with that.

TAP

[hopingforachild]

Just want to clarify, was the emom too controlling or the PAP?

You said you are OK with the terms of the agreement, but later that you have "some bad feelings" Does the personality of the emom impact how you feel about the agreement? For example, are you ok with the agreement in a best case scenario---your "ideal" emom, whatever that may be? OR are you Ok with the agreement with ANY emom? If so, you should go for it. If it depends on the emom, be cautious and try to learn more ahed of time. If you were to be chosen, it would be difficult to think clearly about the situation due to the excitement.

I second guess every decision I make, so I am not making light of your worries. You are right, this is something that will affect your whole life.

BEST WISHES.

[Jensboys]

I think you will read on here all the time if an expectant mom considering adoption posts here that the parents she has chosen wont sign an O/A she will be advised to RUN (not walk) from the match.

If you are comfortable with the agreement, I think you should be happy to match with a mother that is obviously so strong of character and minded in what she wants that she was willing to take this risk and re-match for the sake of her child - even at this late stage.

She is doing what she is supposed to do making the best parenting decision she can. If this is something she believes is best for her child (openness and adoptive parents that agree with that) then obviously she is doing the right thing

Good luck.

[TAP]

Thank you both.

-The e-mom was too controlling (accoridng to agency). But, she also said the potential adoptive parents were difficult in negotiating the OA and then, of course, woudn't sign.

-I guess I am ok with the OA agreement with any emom, if it turns out that we ALL do what is in the agreement. My DH asked "what if she calls us all the time and wants every detail of information or tells us what to do". I told him that we don't have to do what she says, but we should try to listen.

-I also understand why she would walk away from her first match.

Ok .. I'm going to simply try to relax and wait until we are told what she decides. It will be a long day.

[paigeturner]

Originally Posted by TAP

My real question is I am only going to have a few hours to know her before I enter into a lifelong relationship. And, she didn't get a long with previous match.

And she'll only have a few hours to decide if she's going to entrust you to raise her child. Imagine the pressure she's under!

[Fran27]

I'd go with what you are comfortable with... I'd be careful with an OA agreement personally if I wasn't totally in agreement with it, if I didn't feel comfortable with the emom... and if there was no option to stop the OA if the visits are making things difficult for the child for any reason.

[loveajax]

One of the hard things about OA in the situation you are in is it's kind of like an "arranged marriage." I am glad that we got to know DD's birth parents "fairly" well before she was born because it really helped us I think with our OA. If you don't mind me asking, what ARE the terms of the OA? Anyway, good luck! I know it is a stressful time (for everyone).

[TAP]

Originally Posted by paigeturner

And she'll only have a few hours to decide if she's going to entrust you to raise her child. Imagine the pressure she's under!

Very fair comment. I feel for her. I can't even imagine.

TAP

[TAP]

The agreement says that she wants cards and letters annually. She is asking for direct contact (not through agency). She would like a visit at 6 months, at 1 yr, and then every year thereafter.

Now this isn't in the agreement, but we let the agency know that she would be responsible for visiting us (we are in different states) and they said she would probably be ok with that.

It frankly seems pretty reasonable. I do not have any idea what the specific concerns were of the previous couple she was matched with.

TAP

[Leigh131313]

I would definitely clarify who is responsible for travel, I might also clarify that emom would be responsible for her own accomodations.

Your dh really shouldn't be concerned - it sounds like a pretty reasonable OA agreement. Unless you are leaving something out, it doesn't sound like you are agreeing to her having any say in anything...She just wants updates and visits (and the visiting schedule sounds very reasonable to me) I can totes understand why she would back out if a family was unwilling to agree.

good luck

[loveajax]

Good luck, TAP! Keep us posted!

[paigeturner]

Ditto what LA just said! It all sounds reasonable to me. It sounds like this is a woman who is carefully making a plan for her child, which is her job at this point, and won't compromise. I admire that.

[lahdh4]

It sounds reasonable to me as well.
good luck

[belleinblue1978]

I'd say it sounds pretty reasonable too.

Another thing to remember is that not everyone gets alone with everyone. My best friend at my job used to be the person that NO ONE liked. We got along great. Maybe it was just a personality clash too.

[thanksgivingmom]

I also can see why an eMom would refuse a match that wouldn't agree to those terms. It seems incredibly reasonable to me, and I think it's really great that she stood her ground in that decision.

Best of luck to you both!