[brooklyn_girl]

Hi,

We met with an eMom today who is considering us. She asked us directly if we liked a certain name and whether we'd consider giving the baby this name. We don't love the name, but said sure, we'll think about it. Well on the car ride home we pretty much agreed we'd really rather not go with it (if she picks us). However I would feel bad declining (we have first and middle names picked out already) - although fyi the name doesn't have huge sentimental meaning for eMom, she heard it on a TV show and really liked it.

Anyway, I'm really just curious if anyone has been through a similar scenario and how you handled it?

[lovemy2boys]

Well, in all honesty, if she is really set on the name, then I think that should be respected.

If you're really set on your name, that should be respected as well.

Maybe you can work towards a happy medium...If not, and if the name is very important to both of you, then unfortunately, it may not be the correct match.

For both our boys, we used the name we chose as the first name, and used the middle name their firstparents chose as our boys middle names. We are all pleased.

Good luck!

[oceanica]

I guess you will have to really determine how important the name is to you. It sounds like you have done that. If you do decide it has to be the name you wanted make sure she knows.
With our Keonte, the birthmom picked the name. We had a name picked out but we ultimately went with what the birthmom wanted because we liked the name somewhat and the other named we'd had was for another baby who died and any other names we liked were names we had considered for him. The name wasn't what we originally wanted but we love it now!

[brooklyn_girl]

Thanks for your replies. I guess we can talk about it if she picks us. She wasn't "set" on the name and I don't think it's a dealbreaker but I don't like the idea of disappointing her either, esp. with an open adoption. One idea I just had was doing two middle names. My DH has two middle names, why not baby? Hmmm.

[SupaModel]

I had my heart set on DS name for YEARS!! There was no way I was backing down from that. It would have been a deal breaker. What we did was change the first name bmom gave him and made it his midddle name. We gave him the first named I had always dreamed about.

I say follow your heart.

[jalapeno]

My take is a little bit different I suppose. We have zero contact with birthparents. I've never even seen pictures. So I felt it would be really important to use the names that their birthmom picked out in order for my kids to have that little bit of connection to her. Having said that, the name she chose for our daughter was too strange for us to be comfortable with as a first name. So we used it as one of her middle names.

So I guess I figure it wouldn't be as big of a deal to change a name when there is an open adoption (provided it isn't a deal-breaker and it doesn't sound like it would be here). E-mom and baby will still have the opportunity to create lots of other meaningful connections. But that's just my own skewed perspective I suppose.

As for the two middle names . . . I have two middle names and all my kids have two. I've always liked this about me and I think it gives my kids options with their names without having to officially change them. My daughter can easily "drop" the name her birthmom gave her if she also doesn't like it (I only ever use one of my middle names for official purposes now). Or she could choose to have people call her by that name if she wanted.

[snaps]

I would discuss with her the possibility of using it as a middle name. In our case we had first names we liked and used the birthparents first names for the kids middle names (we have two children adopted from the same family - not twins). It just worked out that the first child was a girl so we used the bmom's first name for the middle name and then when they had another unplanned pregnancy and asked us to adopt it was a boy so we used bdad's first name as the middle name.

[Magic_Hat]

Both DD and DS had been given names by their birth moms. We didn't love either name enough to keep them as first names so we kept them as middle names. We thought it was an important connection and I think both birth moms were pleased. We have a very open adoption with DD's birth mom. We just brought DS home but plan on an open adoption with his birth family as well.

If she chooses you, maybe you can discuss it again.

Fingers crossed for you!!

[portlowski]

This is exactly the situation my husband and I were in 2 and a half years ago. Naming was important to me, but it was even more important to my son's birthparents who were very set on a name. We ended up deciding that we would use their name and add a middle name of our own. We explained that we wanted to honor their name, but that we also felt that naming a child is an act of parenthood that we wanted to participate in if they chose as the parents of their child.

We also decided to call our son by his first 2 initials. We also didn't mind if the birthfamily continued to refer to him just by his first name, since it was his name after all!

Funny enough, our sons's birthmom now calls him by his initials, and I have grown to like his first name more and more.

One note...when I went through brief post-adoption blues (another topic) I felt very sad about not getting to name him exactly what I wanted. I think that was just a the final act of grieving my inability to have a biological child. Now my boy is the joy of my life and his name tells the story of who he is.

[Shells90]

We used the first name that my daughters birthparents "liked" - they explained their reasons and the name was pretty so I felt it was important to give that gift to my daughter. We included two middle names that were meaningful to us as a family and we go by her first middle name yet her legal name is the birthparents choice.

We have an open adoption and her birthfamily now refers to her with her middle name yet I think they really feel a part of her life because of the permanency of using the name they chose. I think it will be special for my daughter also to have a history with her name and it signifies the unity of the families with the adoption plan.

[mondk]

I had Joshua Dale picked out, and bmom liked/wanted Gabriel Michael...so we named him Michael Joshua Dale which gives him 2 middle names but we call him Joshie.

She was fine with the Joshua Dale but I really liked the sound of the 3 names. Plus Michael is the male version of Michelle, so his name totally represents all of us.

Blessings, Michelle

P.S. Dale is my dh's name, in case you've wondered what I meant by representing all of us.

[tomandcate]

Our first son, we picked out four names and his bmom chose the "final" one for his first name. (Middle name is DH's first name.) So it was nice to name him together.

Our second son, his bmom asked us if we had a name, we told her, and she liked it. She chose his middle name.

Hopefully there's a way you can all come together to choose name(s) that are meaningful to everyone!

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by jalapeno

My take is a little bit different I suppose. We have zero contact with birthparents. I've never even seen pictures. So I felt it would be really important to use the names that their birthmom picked out in order for my kids to have that little bit of connection to her.

We did the same thing - and for the same reason. I thought it might be meaningful for David to know that his birthmom chose his name. The way we felt was that we would be the ones who would get to raise and nurture this child - to be his parents always. But that one act of parenting, the act of naming, could be hers. Her gift to him that would be part of him every day of his life. His middle name is Elizabeth's father's name. So he has something from us, too.

But it's a very personal thing. And if naming is really important to you (as it is for most parents) then I think you just need to be honest with her. Incorporating her choice as one of baby's middle names might be a good compromise.

[aallen25]

We had a name picked out when we met DD's birth mom. She wanted us to name DD and asked if we had any names picked out so I told her the name DH and had decided on years ago for our first daughter. The next time I saw her she informed us she didn't really like the first name, so after much deliberation (names are HUGE for me as well) we decided to all come up with a few names we liked and go from there. In the end the name we chose was mine and DH's next favorite name, but it was also a name DD's birth mom liked as well.

[jp4ga]

Our baby was a baby born situation with a name already given at birth. She was only a few weeks old when she was placed with us. The bmom named her the same exact name as my niece that was only 3 months old. I did not want my adopted child to have the exact same first, middle and last name as her cousin especially when they were so close in age. We told the bmom that the name was exactly the same and that it would not work for us. We expected her to walk out the door because she was insistant on the name, but she signed the papers. We named her a name that made her initials the same as her biomom.