[missywojo]

I need a better response to this. This wonderful phrase of insight is my current pet peeve. I heard it multiple times over mother's day weekend from well meaning extended family and friends -- so I don't want to be too snarky.

To family and friends, I usually remind them that we have been trying for years and remind them of all the fertility treatments and if it was going to happen, it would have happened. If they start to tell me about the 1 person they know who it happened to, I usually point out that out of the thousands of women they know, that it's only happened once.

Sometimes, I just don't feel like educating all the time, so who's got some good responses to this one?

[jp4ga]

My response is "I hope so!" Its been 10 months and has not happened yet.

[BrandyHagz]

"Oh, wouldn't that be awesome! I'd love two kids!"

What I typically see is that people get defensive about it - like getting pregnant after adopting is a bad thing...typically, it isn't, right?

What people tend to think people are saying (and what they might really be trying to say, without actually saying it) is "So, you'll have a real kid after this, will you still want this other kid you're getting?"

The answer to that can easily be given with the response I posted above.

Having a biological kid isn't the end of the world and it typically doesn't lead people to not wanting their adopted kid any more - so saying "Woo hoo! Imagine having 2 so close in age...that'd be great!" basically answers their question without being snarky (even though the question sometimes does deserve a snarky answer).

[JenC]

My response is "I hope not!" Funny that we have exactly opposite responses!

I don't want to get pregnant. I've been pg 3 times. I've had 3 miscarriages. I've done the drugs. Don't want to ever walk down that road again.

You could just say that adoption is not a cure for infertility and leave it at that. The whole "you'll get pregnant now" thing really bugs me because it makes adoption seem like second class. Ick.

EDIT: Apparently Brandy and I are thinking about the same issue with this!

[KLL08]

I like the response-adoption isn't a cure for infertility.
I hate when people make this remark. As if adoption is a second or lesser choice. And like Jenc I really don't want to get pregnant after our losses I'm terrified of getting pregnant only to lose the child shortly after finding out we are expecting.

A lot of times I just ignore the person and walk away...in hopes they will take a hint!!

[Cjmeck]

Originally Posted by JenC

My response is "I hope not!" Funny that we have exactly opposite responses!

I don't want to get pregnant. I've been pg 3 times. I've had 3 miscarriages. I've done the drugs. Don't want to ever walk down that road again.

You could just say that adoption is not a cure for infertility and leave it at that. The whole "you'll get pregnant now" thing really bugs me because it makes adoption seem like second class. Ick.

EDIT: Apparently Brandy and I are thinking about the same issue with this!

This was my exact response. Actually, it was more like "OMG, I hope not!" I was soooo over the whole preg thing, with a history similiar to yours.

[Amber76]

I'd just say, "That would be great, but I'm not counting on it. Besides, I'll be so happy loving my baby that I'm not sure I'd even WANT another child right away." That usually worked for the people who said that to me. It certainly is irritating!

[Steph-Jason]

Yeah- we got that alot too. Especially in the beginning. When people said it to me I'd just say that being a mommy to DD kept me busy enough. DH got so sick of it with a woman that he works with that eventually he said: "You know, if Steph gets pregnant she'll probably die" - then he just walked away. I have the same reaction about getting pregnant as a few of the other posters. We tried- it didn't happen, when it finally happened we m/c & I don't want to go through that again. We're done with that book thank you very much & VERY MUCH in love with our daughter. The whole Steph will die thing did shut the woman up at work though. I haven't gotten it as much lately - thankfully. Not saying that I'd be upset if I got pregnant but we have like a 1% chance of that happening & if it happens its very likely to result in a tubal. No thanks!!

[alinev]

I am acutally one of the cases that perpetuate the belief that "of course you will get pregnant after adopting". We were matched within a week after our paperwork cleard and I was pregnant almost immediately after that. A fluke, considering I was over 40, had tubes that were 80% blocked and had failed at 4 rounds of IVF.

Since then, everytime someone says "of course" I nicely tell them that we were simply lucky and our situation is certainly not the norm.

The fact remains, this issue is as ingrained as the idea that you can predict a child's sex by the way the mother carries LOL. Sorry ladies, he fact remains that whomever knows our story will continue to torture the rest of the adopting population for years to come.

[loveajax]

Shoot them this courtesy of a.com (it shows the low incidence of pregnancy after adoption). On another site, I am "friends" with probably 20 adoptive moms. Only one has gone on to become pg (twice) and deliver two more kids. One friend got pg and unfortunately had a m/c. (This seems sort of consistent with the statistics below).

The whole thing is that I don't ask people I really don't know about their family planning. I'm not sure why people love to make this comment? I suppose it's consistent with the "relax and you'll get pg" line of folks who have no idea what IF is all about. If I ever had anyone say this to me in front of DD, I think I would take them out (hasn't happened! of course, I'm ancient so nobody thinks of me being pg anymore anyway!).

Once your kid is home, I don't think you will hear this that often because everyone will be so gaga over your kid! Best to you!

PS: Ali, it's you who has ruined it for all of us...haha! I think that's great!


Pregnancy After Adoption - Adoption Encyclopedia

[BrandyHagz]

The fact remains - it's easy to offend, which ever side you stand on.

I'd have to take my shoes off (and quite possibly my husbands shoes as well) to count the number of times we've heard "Well, you can always adopt" as we struggled with infertility.

Adoption isn't always a viable option for someone who is experiencing infertility - just as pregnancy isn't always an option for someone who has adopted.

[stilldeciding]

I have a lot of opinions on this particular subject here's why:

I was raised by My biological Mom and adopted by her husband when I was an infant. Also my Mom's MOM, my grandmother was adopted

I have been unable to get pregnant for 3 years...(DH Is considered sterile) we went through lots and I mean a LOT of fertility treatments..at the time I was only 20 and DH was 23

then, got pregnant FINALLY on our own and I had a M/C

THEN a week later....at 23 after no longer getting any fertility treatments and getting prayed over at my church, immediately following the M/C..3 weeks later I found out ...ahhhh I was pregnant again on our own. No outside help!

Then 9 months later I had my first son

Then 13-14 months later DH and I,again ttc on our own, again with no help and first month try, I was pregnant with second son

Which leads me to today..I can still have more bio kids and may still do that..but am actively pursuing a match through foster care adoption

But here is the reason I tell all of you the above background on me...I have so much experience with all sides of the KID issue that this is my take! I believe that the family I was meant to have I have...I do not get caught up on the idea of WHERE the child comes from...God has a reason he allows what is to be. I think had I not had the bio kids immediately God would have had me adopt MY child that I was supposed to have..then I would still have bio child's too. It doesn't matter what order they come, it doesn't matter whether they are adopted or biological. God KNOWS what kids we all should have! And he will send them to me and you when its his time and how they get to you or me is anyone's guess. I feel like this...had I not have my bio kids my life wouldn't be complete..I was meant to have them....if I am meant to adopt and don't..and I don't get that child as well...my life would never be complete either. My life will only be complete when I have ALL the kids God wants for me..no matter HOW they come to me..the important thing is that they DO! There is no better way to have ALL MY kids then the way God intends!!! If anyone says one way is better then they are wrong...the experience of childbirth is wonderful but so is the birth of a child through adoption. I love the fact that I can see ALL sides of this! ALL kids are a blessing and I am so lucky to have kids and am hoping for more.

I was greatly loved by my adopt. dad..though to me he was MY DAD.....in all ways...no difference then my relationship with my bio Mom

I love the fact that I was blessed against all odds to have my bio kids..they were meant to be

but above all I feel this way for those of you out there who can't conceive...if you did or do adopt and then you DO get pregnant..guess what...had you not adopted that child...you wouldn't have had him or her possibly...and God's plan for you to have that child wouldn't have been fulfilled.

[Bunnygirl]

I used to get that a lot, too. It always made me want to scream! I'd generally just kind of nod and go, uh huh, and then change the subject -- really it's just too complicated an issue to explain to someone who's clearly clueless. It's right up there, in my mind, with the suggestion that we try donor eggs (now that we're trying to adopt a 2nd time and I'm 44 we're getting a lot of donor egg suggestions) so that we'll have more control and I'll have the "birth experience" -- first off, no we won't have all that much control since there's still plenty of chances for birth defects, injuries, loss, etc. with a bio child and second off, the people who have said these things to me are people who KNOW that I lost a child in labor several years ago, so, obviously I've HAD the "birth experience" -- it was obviously an awful birth experience but does anybody think that I'd really want to go through another pregnancy and labor????? And how would it make our son feel if, after adopting him, we were to go to such great lengths to have a child by means other than by adoption? Sorry, I guess I've gotten a bit off topic in my rant!

[nee18]

I've gotten that comment a few times and I usually reply with something like, "You never know. That would be just as big of a miracle as when our son joined our family," or something along those lines. I always try to point out that, if it were to happen, it would be no less of a blessing than our son coming to us through adoption.

[Gs_Mom]

I think most people are well meaning. They just aren't part of the adoption world and are trying to say something, anything.

I am embarrased to think about my reaction many many years ago when my former SIL and BIL announced they were adopting from China and then got pregnant on their "last" vacation before traveling to China (my reaction both to that and the whole idea of adoption). If we were still in touch, I would apologize!

Anyway, although I don't get the comment anymore, I used to when we were trying to adopt.

I usually point out that it's really unlikely and TV/people only talk about the exception to the rule and not the 1,000's and 1,000's of people who don't actually get pregnant when they adopt (much like they all have the idea that there is a big risk of the birth parents "taking the baby back.")

Or, I'll just say "I doubt it" and change the subject.