[Momtosons]

Please no flames after you read this...I am desperate need of some support.

I have yet to bond with our almost 8mth old DD. I still feel like I'm just taking care of someone else's child. I don't know how else to explain it....I just have no attachment to her.

I wonder if she would be better off with another family...I just can't help but wonder....please, please no flames....

Our adoption is not finalized and the papers have not been filed. I am NOT seriously thinking about giving her up...I just wonder if that would be better for all of us....I don't know...

I wanted her SO badly and now I just can't make her feel like mine...and it brings me to tears every time I think about it...

[lovemy2boys]

PM'ing You...

[angelkisses0102]

First off...(((HUGS)))

Secondly...no flames...you are simply being honest. Nothing wrong with that. Attachment/bonding, even with a bio can take a while.

I'll share my story with you....top line...if you want more detail...PM me and I will share it all.

We adopted a baby boy from Russia back in 2004...he was just 8 months old...and it took us thirty very long months to begin to attach to each other. Attachment is a two way street and even a newborn, placed at birth, can struggle to attach to their a-mom. Same for the a-mom...although both situations are rarely spoken about.

I also suffered from what is called PADs (Post Adoption Depression) which is a very real condition. I required professional help...medication and therapy...to overcome it. Again, rarely spoken about but very, very real.

Please know there is nothing wrong with you or your situation...the best advice I got was "fake it until you make it." Basically just act as if you are attached/bonded...practice attachment parenting...and if you are so inclined...pray.

My DS and I are now attached/bonded beyond words...I truly believe that because we both struggled to attach to one another...our current bond is deeper than ever...we appreciate what we had to work so hard for.

Do NOT beat yourself up...hang in there...and fake it.

All the best...

[jaenelle]

You will get no flames from me. I can't claim to understand what you are feeling, but I will pray that things will get better.

[mrskt]

No flames from me either - I had post-adoption depression as well and it took me almost 6 months to bond with my newborn. Hang in there - it will come. There's no recognized timeframe for when it's normal to bond. Lots of bio relationships take time to develop because either mom had traumatic surgery during or shortly after delivery, or because the baby was in NICU. Don't beat yourself up for it. Look for opportunities to invest in your relationship, and enjoy what you do have for now. It will come.

[portlowski]

I just want to say that I also had some bonding issues initially. I am only speaking for myself, but my bonding issues were due to guilt I felt about "taking the baby" from his birthmom. This was an unintended side effect of our open adoption...I just could see and feel her grief and it was preventing me from feeling like a "real mom."

My son is now 2 and a half and I am being completely honest when I say I would give my life for him and that he is the greatest thing to ever have happened in my life.

It didn't happen overnight. I also had heard "fake it til you make it" and it worked for me. I too felt guilty. I knew he deserved better. And you know what? For me, knowing he deserved better and crying because I wanted to feel unconditional love but I wasn't sure if I was capable...these were part of bonding. I realized I cared enough to know that I wanted these things for him and that he deserved them.

I began to feel bonded around 6 months but I didn't stop worrying about it til he was about a year old. I think counseling from someone who specializes in adoption and bonding issues could be so helpful for you and your child.

[jillned]

I had a very difficult time bonding with my daughter. From the moment she came home all she did was cry (colicky??) She did have her moments when she was perfectly happy and content, but overall it was difficult for about the first year. Then she was overcome with extreme separation anxiety. I couldn't leave her alone to even use the bathroom. She had this blood curdling scream that just got under my skin. We sought play therapy for her and she improved more than I could have imagined. Now, she is a happy, healthy 3 year old! There were days when I thought we'd never attach, but we have.
I often wonder if it has to do with the "we have a baby that needs a home TODAY" scenario. This is how our daughter came to us. Even thought we planned for her etc, I think as adoptive parents we have in our heads that it will take forever, then we'll be matched and then the birth will happen sometime after that. I think during that time, adoptive parents are attaching. When it happens in a matter of hours, our brains need to catch up with our emotions, if that makes sense.

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by jillned

I often wonder if it has to do with the "we have a baby that needs a home TODAY" scenario. This is how our daughter came to us. Even thought we planned for her etc, I think as adoptive parents we have in our heads that it will take forever, then we'll be matched and then the birth will happen sometime after that. I think during that time, adoptive parents are attaching. When it happens in a matter of hours, our brains need to catch up with our emotions, if that makes sense.

It didn't seem that this applied to me -- we were told it'd likely be around 9 months before we got the call. It was just over 2 months, and we were told to be there to pick DD up the next morning, after getting the call at 6:00 pm. We never had any problems attaching/bonding. For me, it was just a huge relief to have NO MORE WAITING! But I'm sure everyone is different -- no rights or wrongs, just differences.

[swd]

Thank you for posting this. I wasn't brave enough to have posted the same thing 6 months ago, or even a year ago, when DS first came home. I had no idea what was even happening, until hindsight kicked in and I realized why I was struggling.

So you're in a much better position than I was, b/c you've allowed yourself to recognize what that feeling is! Good for you for acknowleding it and being so open about it. Hang in there. The bond will come. The growing pains and teething just make it that much harder!

[MamaS]

Two things come to mind:
First, you had 16 days to mentally prepare. Most women have nine months. Even though adoption was what you wanted, you still did not have time for the mindset to "set".
Second, during that time you had -- and lost -- two matches. Even though they weren't really yours, your mind was already thinking of them as yours. Now, you have this baby in your arms, but because of paperwork, she isn't really "yours" yet. Your mind may be protecting your heart from the possible pain of another loss.

[Momtosons]

Thank you SO much everyone, including those who PMd me(which I haven't gotten back to all of you). For some reason I felt like I must be the only person that has ever felt like this...not sure why! Everyone I talked to(don't know anyone personally who has adopted besides my Mom) was just appalled that I wasn't bonded to DD...which of course did help at all!

I think I have found at least part of the source of our bonding issues. 2 months before we got our DD, I delivered a little boy via surrogacy. Biologically he was mine and I had spent the whole pregnancy trying not to attach to him. And it worked!! I felt nothing towards him when he was born and was just SO thrilled to have helped make a family. He was born in July and we got our DD in September...I don't think I had enough time b/w those 2 major events. And this just dawned on me this morning...you would think that would be a "duh" thing! I don't know...but I think it wouldn't be a stretch to see how that could affect my bonding with our DD.

I have also found that I don't have the patience with her like I did my our sons...she has the most annoying cry(to me right now) and she freaks out when you don't give her food immediately when she wants it...which for some reason just irks me....don't know why. So, a lot of the time I am just super frustrated at her...and I know she doesn't deserve it b/c she is just a baby...but I can't seem to help it...

Anyway...I VERY much appreciate all of you sharing your stories! It has made me feel SO much better!!!

[Fran27]

I don't have much to add about what others have said... I hope things will be better soon.

On a side note, I do get irked also when mine whine sometimes (DS has the most annoying cry)... so I think it's pretty normal to be annoyed and irritated sometimes.

[startedover]

I also wanted to add that I have two bio children and when we adopted it took a little longer to bond. I did love her , but I didn't fall in love with her till later. Hang in there .

[ranoutofnames]

I too had trouble bonding... but I had trouble bonding to my bson, no trouble at all with my adaughters.

I also had a foster child who'd lived with me for 2yrs (since she was 4months old) reunite with her bparents within months after my son was born.

I went through MAJOR Post Partum Depression with Anxiety Disorder, which can happen to adoptive parents too. I too thought he would be better off with someone else to the point I looked into placing him for adoption... I was seriously that bad with PPD.

I finally sought medication to help get me through it and my only regret is that I didn't seek the medication help sooner. PRIDE... it was pride that kept me from seeking help sooner. I knew how to "fake it" with my foster kids until the bonding happened, I was always a "pull up by my own boot staps" kinda gal... so pride kept me from seeking medical help.

My only regret is not seeking help sooner. I had a combination of both medication and talk therapy. BEST thing I ever did for my baby and I.

[Casey677]

I had trouble bonding with my second adaughter. We had a very long match with her biomom. Although it was a fairly easy match, we had a lot of failed attempts prior to our first adoption and I just kept waiting for the shoe to drop. 6 months is a long time to wait for someone to change their mind (which is what I was doing.... not really waiting for a baby, just waiting for her biomom to change her mind). And then when she was just 3 weeks old, I discovered I was pregnant and likely conceived when she was just 5 days old.

My immediate thoughts were "I can't do this. I just cannot do this." Yes, I thought about all sorts of things from giving my second daughter back to placing my third..... my emotions were ALL over the place and I was an absolute basket case. And then my pregnancy became high risk with bleeding in the beginning and then preterm labor at 28 weeks and even though it was stopped, I spent the next few months on extreme light duty and could only pick up the baby a few times a day. My oldest was just 27 months old when my third daughter was born and the two babies were 9 months apart almost to the day. I was severely overwhelmed by the day to day realities of parenting 3 children well under the age of 3 for the first few months.

ALL of this contributed to my inability to bond with my second daughter. I really don't think I was fully bonded until she was closer to 15 months or so. And she had trouble bonding with me. I kept working on it and working on it. And now that she is 28 months there really is no difference and I can barely remember all the difficulties we had for so long.