[tondy24]

We are matched with a potential birthmom, due July 19th. We have been speaking with her since early Jan. so this has been a long match. Anyway, she is located in TX and the Texas social worker just had a chance to speak with her today, she has been talking with our IL attorney previously. She indicated to the social worker that there was no chance of the potential birthfather signing. He is not interested in parenting, nor are his parents, but he is absolutely not going to agree to the adoption. Both the mom and dad are minors (17). She had previously indicated to us that he was not being cooperative in order to give her a hard time, but we were under the impression that he was going to come around. The social worker said she is almost 100% confident that the match with fail after birth. Has anyone else been through a similair situation, how did things turn out?

On one hand I really want to be hopeful that he will come around and cooperate and sign, but on the other hand if he doesn't I don't want to put our DD through a failed match. We have already been matched for 17 weeks, I certainly don't want to go through another 11 weeks for everything to fail. Would you pull out now and cut your loss or would you move forward as originally planned.

[JustCourtney]

I certainly understand why you would be apprehensive, and wanted to protect yourself and your family as much as you can. I also can't help but think of the young girl who has chosen you to be the parents of her child. How will she feel when you tell her that it's not worth it to you to stick around for a couple of more weeks?

You have already invested 17 weeks, will 11 more (with your eyes open) really make a difference if it doesn't work out? I think you will either hurt now, and always wonder "what if?", or you can stick it out and see what happens, and know that you did all you could to help support this young mother. If she decides to parent, or the bfather does, then you will know the baby is where he/she is supposed to be.

That being said, there are never any guarantees in adoption. I hardly think that the opinion of one SW who has spoken with the girl one time is the final word. Refusing to sign TPR and stepping up and parenting are two very different things. Does Texas have a putative father registry? Our son's legal father (not bio), refused to sign - but never registered or provided any support, so the courts terminated his rights.

Follow your heart, but keep your eyes open. I think that if you walk away now there is a good chance you will regret it! Best of luck!

[Stormster]

We were in the same situation but the baby was already born. DH was not comfortable "fighting" another man for his child if he wasn't supportive of an adoption plan even though the mother was. We had had a meeting with this guy so we knew he meant what he said.

In fact, DH would not consider moving forward with E's adoption until he met and had a long talk with E's bio father.

Personally, I would try to meet this guy and see what your gut tells you. It's not too late to protect yourself and move on to an emotionally safer situation. Do you think this would be possible?

[sbaglio]

We adopted our DD from TX as well, and the bfather refused to sign. He was served, and had 30 days to appear in court to present his case and prove that he was ready and fit to parent our DD. He never responded, and his rights were terminated. Unless the bfather and his family go to court after the baby is born to answer a summons, and the bmom does not change her mind, I don't know why the adoption would fail. Your SW seems a bit to certain to me. I say research your options more before leaving this emom after such a long period of bonding, and possibly what is meant to be your child.

[mrskt]

My DD is from TX too, and was in a transitional care home while we waited out the 32 days for the putative father registry. If they aren't married (and I'm assuming they aren't at their ages), then he would need to sign up on the putative father registry within that 32 days, then come to court, establish paternity at his own expense, and make his case as a competent and able father.

I say wait it out. Just because he doesn't intend to sign doesn't mean that he intends to parent. As a DHS worker, my experience has been that most parents in similar situations won't sign, but don't step forward to actually be a parent either.

[sambob]

Is the case worker saying she's 100% sure the match will fail because of the issue with the potential father, or are there other issues? I would definitely talk to an attorney about the steps needed to terminate his rights, in the event he doesn't sign. It might be easy, or it might be very complex. You should have all of the information before deciding if you want to move forward.

[sbaglio]

Perhaps it's a male thing, but some bfathers are like that. They don't want to sign, yet they don't want to parent. We could never figure it out with our DD's bfather - he was like this.

[joskids]

We have never adopted from Texas. But I did work for an adoption agency and, often times, birthfather's don't want to sign but aren't interested in being supportive of the pregnancy, or parenting in the future. It seems to be a matter of pride -- "I'M NOT GOING TO BE THE ONE GIVING MY CHILD AWAY" kind of attitude. And, honestly, I find it very selfish. A biological parent has every right to parent their own child IF that is truly what they want -- to provide stability and security in their child's life. Unfortunately, that isn't the bottom line in many cases.

We ended up in a contested adoption when the biological father of our youngest child did not want to sign the surrender. He had supported the adoption plan thru the pregnancy, met us, knew the plan, dated other women, didn't support her emotionally, financially, etc. He never signed a putative father registry but then, when our child was 4 mos. old, he petitioned the court to stop our adoption, saying he wanted to parent. Biomom signed a document called an "Affidavit of Paternity" which COULD have, legally, entitled him to parent and thus, she would have gotten her child back. Just very sad and really impacted the open adoption we had with her. We won custody and finalized the adoption but, I can tell you, I'd rather deal with a failed placement initially than the emotion we went thru as a family when we feared losing the child we had parented from the time she was 3 days old. It wore on us dramatically and, still, I have nightmares that I have lost our baby girl.

If I were you, I'd ask the social worker to clarify her comments, I'd find out exactly where the biofather stands on this adoption plan and then ask yourselves honestly how far you are willing to go both emotionally and financially on this situation. You have rights also -- and although adoption is never a sure thing, you are responsible for protecting yourself as much as you possibly can.

Best wishes on your situation.