[oceanica]

So many of us had to explain this for profiles, social workers, etc.
It's hard to put into words exactly why, or what our motivations are.

I recently saw a single woman on adoption stories who went for a toddler in Colombia... she was 40 something, divorced, and had grown children and a 17 year old with an infant. I was listening to her explaining exactly why she wanted to do this, and thinking, wow. Being her age (I probably AM her age actually) and having 3 grown kids and wanting to start over again at the beginning seems kind of unusual. Did she just want to do it better this time? Is she having a midlife, empty nest reaction? I can't see myself in her position, when it's time to look towards retirement, grandchildren, and phase 2 of your life.

For me it's hard to explain too. Hubby and I met when I was 16 and I was aware that he wanted many children, at least 5 or 6, preferably more. I didn't. I thought having kids was something we'd do much later and didn't worry about it. He was 19 when we met. I was actually trying not to get pregnant, trying to be responsible, and didn't want it to happen before we were able financially to do it right and waiting for the time to be right. So I went on with my career so I could ensure a comfortable living. As I was going through education and training I saw friends and family members all starting their families and buying homes and settling in to their lives. Meanwhile hubby and I were living out of apartments and I was working hundreds of hours a week in my training program so I could get through it. I learned to live with the fact that there would be delayed gratification someday. Well we finally got to the prize at the end and I had the perfect career and could arrange things the way I wanted, and somewhat manage my time and we set up our business so kids could be with us there. In a cruel twist of fate, I never did get pregnant. What a bitter pill it was to think that I squandered the chance for a family early on and when the time came after all our hard work and careful planning we would be denied. I'm not sure what the fertility issues were because hubby was not AT ALL on board with pursuing medical evaluation and treatment. He just did nonparticipation and it effectively shut that avenue down. So 23 years later we decided we would adopt. We wanted a family and wanted to be parents... it's hard to really explain the reasoning. I guess we felt we were missing something. That isn't really a good reason to adopt I guess. You should not have kids to make yourself feel complete. It suggests that there is something needy about a person, not a good trait for a parent. I guess we felt we had a lot of love to give a child, and family and those ties between parent and child are the things that make life really worthwhile. We suddenly realized that we were old now and it was getting to be too late to do anything, so we pursued an adoption with a sense of urgency. After all, we are now old enough to be grandparents. We came across the birthmoms of our babies, one was 19 and one 14, and they had a pregnancy at a time or circumstance that wasn't good for them to parent. So they chose us, a couple who were not getting pregnant and at a time in our lives when it was best to parent, and here we are with our precious little babies! And these babies are going to be loved and appreciated much more than many bios will because we know what it's like NOT to be able to have them. We will always be thankful for them, even at their worst moments (which I'm sure are coming at some point.) Patience, love and time to devote to them will never be lacking, in part because we had so much trouble getting to this point.
I think a good moral to my story is: Get your priorities straight, and don't put off the things you really want and the things that are really important!

What about you? What is your story but more importantly WHY did you want to adopt at this time in your lives? Please try to articulate your reasons for choosing adoption and wanting children, and the route you took to get to your family (IA vs domestic.)

[Barbara81906]

I am 25 my husband is 26 I always knew I wanted to be a mom my whole life when asked what do you want to bw when you grow up my answer was a mom. my plan was always that I wanted to be pregnant 4 times and adopt atleast 2 kids... well when we first got together I had a mc and saw the dr was told I had pcos and that it would always be hard for me to conceive and carry to term if by chance i did conceive... I knew we would have to spend lots of money on fertility treatments at that point and not be garunteed a baby in the end or spend the same amount of money to adopt and have a baby, one that needed a home and parents that were able to take care of it... So my theory has now changed that to I want to adopt as many as I can handle and afford and I would also like to be pregnant once (maybe more depending on how well the first one goes)....
I never really had a preference on where to adopt from all children are equal. Our little girl is due to be born in september and this Miracle came at a time when we were financially able to afford it (a little inheritance money came 3 weeks before we found out about the pregnancy.. actually the day before she was conceived) It's almost as if this were all of our destiny for it to end up this way. Hence why we have decided to name her Destiny....

[GuatMommy2Be]

I knew at 18 that I'd adopt from Guatemala. I don't know what it was, I just knew. So we received our referral when I was 2 months away from turning 23. Guatemala was shutting down, we had been together since we were 16, and it was now or never.

I always figured I'd have a few bio children, and adopt one or two kids. Things have changed, we only want 2 children and having a full-bio child is now not an option. I'm worried about how my DD would feel about that, and also being the only non-CC in our family.

Yes we were young and DUMB when we began, but we've grown, matured, and got the naivety kicked out of us through our almost 2yr process. Our daughter is the absolute BEST gift we could ever ask for. I don't know why things happened the way they did, why it happened when it did... but it's just the way it is. I am so thankful we were ready for her when we were.. I can't imagine life without her.

[mommamarci]

I also always wanted to be a mom. I wanted 4 kids, my hubby said 1, maybe 2. He wanted to wait 5 years after we got married to start trying. I told him I would be trying with someone else by the time we hit 5 years! In the end, we started trying on our first anniversary. I was 22. We tried for 2 years before he finally admitted there was a problem. (He kept saying it had not been long enough and it would happen eventually.) Neither of us wanted to spend money on fertility treatments that might or might not work. I also did not want to know which of us had the 'problem.' I never wanted to lay blame. So we moved straight to adoption.

After our first son was born, my hubby changed his tune and said he wanted 6 kids. After baby #2 came along, he said 8... (8 is the max number allowed under 18 in our state.)

We are currently licensed foster parents. I honestly don't know if I will ever get to a point where I decide I am completely finished. I think I will always keep my baby stuff 'just in case!'

[mondk]

When I met my dh I already had a bio son and we said we wanted at least 4 children, dh back then said 6. We would like a little girl next time around. Dh is now saying 3 would be plenty...I would still like 4, 2 boys, 2 girls. We tried for plenty of years IF treatments using donor sperm come to find out I'm a poor responder anyway...I'm set on adoption but doing one final IUI in June. For the June IUI I'm doing some things different...I'm going to go off all my bipolar meds except for my Synthroid and Wellbutrin. I really still feel like my psychotropic meds may have contributed to us m/c'ing the last time. If it is a no go/doesn't work, I will come right back sailing into adoption.

Blessings, Michelle

[OakShannon]

I think that the feeling that you are missing something is a very good reason to become a parent. (Certainly better than, "oops!" ) I don't think it suggests neediness, necessarily. More a recognition of the fact that parenting is a fulfilling and life-changing experience that you don't want to miss. Like you, we had been married for a number of years, had finished school and settled into careers we enjoyed. Our life was very peaceful and easy. It wasn't that we were unhappy and looking to be completed. But I felt a deep need to nurture a child. To give my life to caring for someone else and watching that person grow.

Adoption felt like the right path for us. Neither of us felt a great need to experience pregnancy or have a biological child. And there were aspects of AI that were not comfortable for us. So we decided on fost-adopt and never looked back.

[yehudit]

These are great stories. I'm really touched by everyone's determination and in awe of those of you who always knew you'd adopt.

Here's my story:
DH and I married I was 27 he was 29. A year later I had my first m/c at 6 weeks. The m/c revealed an underlying illness that had been bothering me for years but was misdiagnosed repeatedly. But the hormones from the m/c made it much worse and after a few months I landed in the ER with many unpleasant symptoms. The dx was IBD/Crohn's disease, and after struggling to get well for almost 2 years, I finally fell pregnant again. This one stuck, and my little boy (thing 1) is 5 years old.

Unfortunatley, I wasn't as healthy as I thought, and after the preg I got very sick again and spent another 2years trying to get well again. Finally I had to have surgery to remove the damaged part of my intestine. About 2 months later we had a surprise -- I was preg! But unfortunately I lost this one too, again around 6 weeks.

I did get better after surgery, but 10 months later I developed a perforation -- basically, a hole in my intestine with all the stuff that goes through spilling out. WORST PAIN EVER!! And yes, I've been through childbirth and kidney stones. So another surgery, emergency this time. After surgery #2 I did get better and and thankful to have remained so with only small blips here and there.

So after all that we decided to try again thinking we'd have no trouble, since we'd never had trouble before. But it didn't happen. An furthermore, if it did happen it could endanger my health again. Not to mention to health of the child with the drugs I might need to stay well. We went to a specialist and got tested anyway, and they couldn't find any reason. So our dilemma was, do we try to do IVF and possibly endanger my health again between the preg and probably needing another c-section, use a surrogate, or adopt. To me, the answer was easy as I was never interested in using technology to have a baby (but I don't judge those who do), but it took a while for DH to come around.

We finally decided to start last spring (May) and was placed with our beautiful girl in Sept. and finalized in Dec. And we are sooooo glad we did!!!

Thanks for listening

[ourdreamcametru]

I've always known I wanted three children, even as a small child I always played with three baby dolls. When DH and I started talking about getting married he said three was the perfect number for him too so that was our goal and on our wedding night we started trying to get pregnant. Little did we know that I would have problems that the Dr told us would not allow me to become pregnant and that if I did I would never be able to carry to term. Needless to say we were beside ourselves but quickly decided that "our" child didn't have to be born from us and we started checking into adoption agencies. We found the one we wanted to go with for IA adoption and started filling out the paperwork. We had our paperwork all filled out and were planning to mail it after a DR appointment but to our suprise we found out that day that we were expecting. Of course we were afraid that it would end premature but we decided to not mail the paperwork just yet and see what happened. I was able to make it to 33 1/2 weeks with little problem before our beautiful, healthy baby boy was born. At this point we decided to pour our everything into our son and put the rest in God's hands. To our surprise we were expecting again in a little over 3 years! This pregnancy was horrible, I was sick from day one, spent many weeks in the hospital and ended up with a horrible delivery birthing a baby with the cord wound tightly around his neck. Blue and not breathing we were sure he was stillborn but our WONDERFUL team of Drs were able to revive him and within hours he was declaired a perfect newborn. DH and I decided that we were done having children and that we were being given signs that maybe our perfect number was 2 and not 3. DH got "fixed" three months after our second son was born and we went on our merry little way with our beautiful baby boys. WELL, when our boys were 10 and 14 we were sent an angel in the form of an OB nurse friend who introduced us to a 17 year old friend who was expecting and baby girl and looking to place her for adoption. She fell in love with us and we fell in love with her and three months after we met number 3 was lovinging placed in my arms and the rest is history. DH and I were both 37 when our daughter was born and although this wasn't our vision of how our lives would be at this point we are so greatful that He knew what was perfect for us. Our precious daughter will be 5 in just a few short weeks, our youngest son will be 15 in August and the oldest will be 19 in July.

[jaenelle]

When I was younger I assumed kids were something I'd do later. I dated a bunch of jerks through my teens and early twenties and was never able to find anyone who wanted to be serious about me, about getting married.

I was 24 when I met my DH and 26 when we finally got married -- that's old for this part of the country. And wham! My baby-clock started ticking. My husband wanted to wait for several years to even begin working on having kids, and that was unacceptable to me. I have PCOS and knew that waiting could be a huge mistake, but he refused to give in, so we finally just gave up on bio kids and focused on adoption. I honestly wasn't that excited about pregnancy and certainly not about all the fertility treatments and stuff, and DH was mostly worried about what it would all do to my sanity, having failed treatments, miscarriages, etc.

I just wanted a baby, however it came to me was fine. Money was a problem, and I spent hours and hours researching to find an agency that was the least expensive and still offered what we wanted in terms of service. Found one in Texas and they were great.

We decided to adopt in February of 06, officially started our homestudy in March, joined agency in July, and kiddo was born October 1. So it was very fast -- in about six months I went from no hope of being a mom to actually being a mom. Wow.

And now we're thinking of #2 but can't afford to do an agency adoption of any kind, it doesn't look like. So we're going to investigate being foster parents, with the hope of adopting one or more of those kiddos.

[Betelnut]

I wanted to be a mother and didn't have a husband or boyfriend. I was in my early forties and knew that time was running out. Adoption seemed like a good option since I was uncomfortable with the idea of using a sperm bank. It was really a no-brainer although obviously I thought about it a lot, agonized whether I could do it as a single person and, of course, worried about the money.

The tipping point? As I sat and watched my annual dose of "Christmas Carol" movies, I realized that I didn't want to live with regret and let fear rule me. I wanted to "live Christmas" (metaphorically) all year round. I wanted to embrace life with all its joys and, yes, difficulties. So, as you can see by my timeline, I decided to adopt in December 2004 and I really did make that final decision while watching "A Christmas Carol."

Charles Dickens, I salute you! Literature and art can indeed change lives!

Three years later, I brought home my wonderful, ornery daughter!

[aallen25]

DH and I got marreid when we were 20 years old. I was ready to start TTC then but he wasn't. We were young newlyweds trying to finish college so I suppose, truth be told, we really weren't ready. I am one of those women who always knew I wanted to be a mom. In fact, it was a little hard for me to get through college because I really only wanted to be a SAHM.
Anyway, 3 years into our marriage DH decided he was ready to start "not trying to become pregnant but not trying to stop becoming pregnant". Can you tell the idea of becoming a dad kind of freaked him out?? So after about a year of trying and nothing happening I had a feeling there was a problem. A few months later we learned of our infertility and moved straight to adoption. We had talked before of having two kids and then adopting our third child so there was no question in our mind that adoption was the next step for us. Well, that's not totally honest. Dh knew adoption was our next step and, I did too but, the idea of never being pregnant and experiencing the miracle of a new life growing inside of me took some time to get over. Although, after being in the room for the birth of my nephew (my sister had a HARD labor) whatever jealous feelings I had towards pregnant women disappeared.
Anyway....being young, we didn't have a lot of money saved up so we decided to look into independent adoption. The next month we met with a local adoption attorney and two weeks later we were introduced to DD's birth mom through a coworker of mine.
We're hoping to start the process all over again at the end of this year!

[Amber76]

In our premarital counseling with our minister, he asked DH and I both about kids and we both said we wanted to have one or two and adopt at least two. So, when we found out a few years later that we wouldn't be having bio kids without extensive fertility help, we just skipped straight over that and decided to adopt. However, the day before our first meeting with an agency, my sister was killed in a car accident and I, for lack of a better word, inherited her two sons (ages 10 and 13). DH and I decided we needed to give ourselves, and the boys, time to be a instant family of 4 before we added a baby. So, four years later, we finally started the adoption process again. We decided to go with Guatemala because we felt we were being nudged there by God-we met a family with a child from there, we kept hearing ads for a Guatemala agency, we prayed about it and agreed that is where we were supposed to go. We got our daughter's referral in October of 2007. We traveled to meet her in December, and three days later she passed away. Since Guatemala was closed, after a few months of mourning, we switched our homestudy to a domestic adoption and settled in for the wait. Less than 2 weeks later, we were matched with our sweet baby boy-who is, you guessed it-GUATEMALAN AMERICAN! What a miracle! I guess God was showing us Guatemala, just not how we expected it to happen!

[Fran27]

I met dh when I was 22 and we got married when I was 25... I knew it would be hard for me to find a job here, and always wanted to have children (4), so we just started TTC after 6 months. After 6 months, we decided to have more tests, and found out that we would probably need to do IVF.

When we started treatments, I found out about adoption and how 'easy' it is in the US (where I come from it's pretty much unheard of to adopt a newborn, and the wait is really long for any adoption). In my mind, I went from thinking I would never be a mom to realizing that there could be a way after all... I would have started the process right away but dh wanted to keep trying infertility treatments before he was ready, and after one year we moved to adoption.

[MB80sgirl]

I always wanted a big family too, & I always knew my family would be formed by adoption. Since I was about 11, before I knew anything about racism or politics, I've pictured myself with a black daughter. After high school I went to beauty school & developed a special interest in braiding & black hairstyles. I met my husband when I was 19. We talked a lot about adoption before we were married. I have a condition that would make pregnancy risky, & we both felt that it was more important to provide a home to a child in need of a home & a loving mom & dad than to try to create one. Plus, our more selfish side really wanted a girl & adoption was the only sure way to get one. We decided on a black girl because like I said before it was something I always dreamed of, but also because we wanted a little girl that might be harder to place. In 2004 after being married 2 years & me working for 2 years at barely above minimum wage to save the money, we decided to adopt from Haiti, because we heard it was the easiest & most affordable program. To make the long story short it was anything but easy. It took a year & a half to complete the adoption. The child had serious health problems we were not told about (she was 16 months old when we got her, so someone had to have known) & the adoption ended in disruption. After taking some time to grieve our loss we decided to pursue domestic adoption in summer 2007, thinking we'd have a short wait for an AA girl. Well, it's 18 months later & still no match. We had 2 failed almost matches & signed up with a new agency 6 months ago. I always wanted to be a young mom & be done having kids by 30. I'm 6 months away from turning 30 & I wonder if my dream will ever come true. I know 30 isnt old by any standard, but I feel old, probably because of all I've gone through. My husband is 34 & doesnt want to have babies when he's 40, so I doubt we'll ever have the big family I dreamed about. At this point I'd be satisfied with just one. I know asking for a girl is probably making our wait longer, but we still really want a girl. I hope we'll find our baby soon & I'll be on the other side, sharing my success story with people who want to adopt.

[hope.4.Ali]

My DH and I always knew we wanted to be parents. The fact that my DH is great with children is part of what made me fall in love with him. Once my DH and I got married (at age 27 and 28), we decided to start TTC after just 6 months since my sister had fertility problems. After a year of no success, we decided to pursue fertility treatments (everything from clomid, IUIs and multiple IVFs). I knew a few people that were on waiting lists to adopt, so we felt guilty pursuing adoption if we could have one ourselves. After a year and a half of absolutely no success with fertility treatments, we were entered into a lottery pick with an agency that were accepting 3 couples into their domestic program. We were so excited to learn that we were one of the couples picked! After 6 months of waiting, we brought our son home! Life has never been better!