[mkviola]

Have any of you ever turned down a match or heard of someone who did? We just found out today we were chosen by a birthmother and we haven't even done our homestudy, yet! Anyway, we are not sure this is a fit for us (medical and emotional possible issues, not to mention fees that are MUCH more than we expected), yet I am feeling confused. We need to call our social worker back soon. My gut tells me no, but I can't help thinking what if we don't get another call or what if this is what is meant to be?...

[SupaModel]

Yes we have for different reasons. Follow your heart. Dont wanna settle or have regrets. kwim?

[aspenhall]

We turned down matches, but they were toddlers with severe FAS and special needs we didn't want to deal with.

Only you know what you can handle, and if your gut tells you no, then by taking this child you would be stopping the family who IS meant to be his family.

Or you could just be initially overwhelmed, and upon further research and stuff, you see that it is do-able. We always said we'd make a judgement based on whether the birth families and children FELT like family.

[Mom2Max]

I agree with Supa. You need to follow that gut feeling you have. We turned down one match because the fees were too high, and it was hard, but we had to be realistic about what we can and can't afford.

[loveajax]

We did as well....you really need to follow your gut. I feel like when you get a match, you should just be thrilled and excited -- that's what that baby deserves! The right situation will come along. Good luck.

[mkviola]

This was so helpful and exactly what we needed to hear. Thank you all so much!!!

[Fran27]

Don't feel bad if you say no. It's really fine. Like everyone said, you do what's best for your family and the right situation will come.

It's really the fault of your social worker for presenting you with a situation that she should know you are not ok with.

[viannqueen]

We had to and it was hard. The situation was perfect, except that she lived an hour from us and we had a hunch that she'd want much more openness than we were comfortable. My gut had to agree. It was hard, but we were quickly matched with my daughter who is perfect in every way. I have no regrets whatsoever. That birthmom eventually found her son a family through the agency. I ran into their blog once and it was weird to see the son that almost was ours. Except he was where he belonged.

[KLL08]

We had to say no to a match we were one day away from picking up our almost son. It was the hardest day of my life. We had already named him, decorated the nursery, everything, but his medical needs were greater than we could handle. Just found out last week that another family is considering him. At first it stung, but now I am happy to have been a part of his life if just for a while. We have continued to pray for his forever family to find him and for a miracle for his medical needs.
I think when the right situation comes you know in your gut.

[brooklyn_girl]

I could not agree more with everyone saying go with what your gut tells you. Even if your head says do it, if your gut say don't, it's worth listening.

[mkviola]

Those are all good points. Thank you all so much for this.

[jp4ga]

We turned down several matches due to emom/bmom expenses being out of our range. When we decieded to adopt we looked at all of the expenses including emom/bmom and decided what we would pay to support her during this time. Our agency kept coming at us with great situations but the emom/bmom fees were 15,000 or more. Finally the right situation came and the bmom fees were in our range.

We also turned down one situation where the bmom was over 40, and had a long history of drug abuse. She wanted a fully open adoption. I do not associate with people who do drugs and did not want to make a life long committment to do so just to get a baby. And I was not going to say sure we will have an open adoption and then close it.

Go with your gut. You have time, and more calls will come. Some will be right and some will not.

[sugarmuffin]

I agree, please have the courage to go with your guts and not cave in to the fear that this may be your one and only chance. Special needs childern are not for everyone and it wouldn't be fair to anyone especially the child if you couldn't handle it and had regrets coz kids pick up on things. YOUR baby is out there and will find you no matter what.

I know its hard and believe me there is no preaching or judgement intended in this message.

[joskids]

Yes, we turned down more than one "match." This is a child you will raise for the next 18 years (or more). And if fees are higher than you expected, but that is the ONLY reason you would turn down a match, then work with the agency to bring those fees down. I'm sorry, but I'm a "negotiator." IF an agency has no other family for a child, they will sometimes consider alternatives. Just something to remember for future reference.

[mkviola]

If it was only one of the issues separately, it would have been different. With our first adoption, the fees actually were lowered based on our cap, which helped. I think the bottom line is this wasn't our baby and I'm glad we followed our gut on this. It helped so much reading your responses. Thanks again!