[tajmu311]

I don't post here much, but often find such wonderful support and advice, that I thought I would share a current struggle of mine. DH and I adopted DS when he was one month old. He will be two this month and I cannot believe how quickly time flies! We are part of a "semi-open" transracial domestic adoption. The contact arrangement at the time of placement was that we would send yearly written updates with pictures to M's birthmom through the agency. We have sent updates more often, however, as our SW indicated that M's birthmom really liked them and looked forward to them. We asked, in almost every letter, for contact in return, explaining that we feel strongly about M knowing as much about his history as possible. Birthmom called the agency in December 2007 to wish us a Merry Christmas and maintained contact with our SW for about a week. At that time she indicated that she would send us some pictures, etc. and we were ecstatic. Contact since then has been 0! We have continued to send updates but have received nothing in return. When I asked our SW this past Decemebr if she has heard anything, the basic response was that we need to move on, we are not going to hear anything, she has other things in her life she is concentrating on.

While I certainly respect birthmom's choice to not have contact, I am still struggling with this on a daily basis. I love my son more than anything in this whole entire world, but I can only give him so much. We have no idea who his birthfather is, a very limited medical history, and due to his birthmother's lifestyle choices it is a very realy possibility that by the time he reaches the age of 18 she will not be around to be found. I want him to know, from her, that she placed him for adoption because she loves him. That no matter what choices she has made in her life, she made the most important choice ever when she chose to give him life. I want him to know who he looks like. I want him to know the history that I wasn't able to provide him biologically.

I guess I am hurting for my little boy, who has done nothing wrong, but will undoubtedly have questions as some point about his birthfamily. I know that we will never be able to answer all of his questions, but I feel like I owe it to him to asnwer as many as I can. I think that honestly, I am also feeling a little bit of frustration towards birthmom for not following through. Is asking for a picture and note too much?

As DS's 2nd birthday approaches I am preparing to send another update. Do I ask again for a response? Do I leave it alone? Am I doing a disservice to my son by not seeking out his history relentlessly? While researching adoption and waiting for a placement, I often thought that having contact with a birthmom would be hard, that I would have feelings of jealousy, and that I would possibly resent her involvement. Now that I am on the other side, I am desperate for what I was once afriad of. I am so proud of my little guy and the incredible human being that he is and I want her to know that. I want her to see what a wonderful human being she brought into the world. I want to share his smile, his giggle, and his love with her, and I can't.

[Fran27]

I'm right there with you. We're in exactly the same situation, except that birthdad is known (married to birthmom) and that we have some sort of medical history they gave the agency a year before when they placed another baby.

We've never had any kind of contact with them... but I guess it's not going to change and I know that I'm not bothering asking them for anything... although I will when they are older and start asking about things. In our case though we knew from the start that they didn't want any contact.

I wonder all the time what they look like (and what the kids they've placed before look like too), but I guess in our case, considering they've placed 3 children before, I'm a little bit resentful that they put our kids in that position considering they had done the same 'mistake' 3 times before... so I guess I need to deal with that myself first if anything... but for the children I wish we had even just a picture, you know...

[Amber76]

I'm with you too! My son's birthmom requested a closed adoption. She doesn't want any contact at all. The agency tried to talk her into at least doing pictures and letters once a year, but she just wasn't interested at all. I hope and pray that she will someday change her mind. In the mean time, I send monthly updates and pictures (this first year, it will go to quarterly after DS's birthday this month) to the agency and they file them for her just in case she shows up someday and wants them. The agency hasn't seen her or had a response from her since my son was 1 month old. It breaks my heart. His birthdad we only have a first name for, and he apparently lives in Guatemala and has never even been to the US. I, too, wonder what I will tell my son when he is older and has questions. I guess I will just tell him what little I know. I begged the agency to meet his birthmom when we arrived to get our son, but his birthmom just wasn't open to it at all. I do know her full name and birthdate (because it was on the hospital release papers for my son), but I know that I can't legally search for her unless/until Ben wants to when he is 18. It is heartbreaking for our kids, isn't it? I don't have any advice, but thought you might like to know that others are struggling too. I'm especially struggling right now because my son's birthday is next weekend and I am wondering and worrying if his birthmom is okay and how she is feeling.

[ChromaKelly]

I can relate. We have little contact with Caleb's birthmom but would like more. When I do call her, she sounds geniunely glad to hear from us, but she never calls us. I guess I'll leave the ball in her court. I send the updates, always include our contact info with a line that she is free to contact us at any time. I wish she would send a letter or something for Caleb. I am afraid that she will move and we'll lose contact.

[tajmu311]

Thank you so much for all of your responses! It is nice to know that I am not alone in how I feel. As DS's birthday approaches I wonder if she's thinking about him, if she wants to see what he looks like, etc. We do know her full name and dob - we picked him up on her birthday! I hope that when he's 18 she's still alive to be found, which sounds horrible, but it's the truth!

DS has three other siblings that we know of, all with birthmom, that I think he deserves to know, but that's not my choice. So for now, I will continue to love him like crazy, tell him about how there was never a moment of this life that he was not desperately wanted, and hope to minimize the hurt he feels when it comes to his birthfamily.

[Lovebug]

We, too, are sadly in the same situation. We doubt that our youngest son's bmom will be around by the time he is 18 as well. {{{Hugs}}}

[dachshunds4you]

I understand your feelings and at times frustrations...but have you thought about it from her point of view? Maybe it just breaks her heart to know she made the right choice in giving him up, but it's just too hard for her to be 'reminded' all the time about it.

I don't doubt she loves him more than anything, and does remember his birthday, etc...but it must be really hard for her. It's probably a struggle for her, wanting to know how he's doing, yet constantly reminded he's away from her.

Give her time. You never know, she may come around. But for now, love him like you do, and you can always tell him his bmom loved him so much, this is the choice she made.

[Gwen72]

I'm in the same boat too. Our son came to us as a "baby born". His bmom refused to see him or to meet us. She refused pictures and letters from us. I had the same thoughts and fears you have. I wanted him to know from her why she placed him. I wanted her to send pictures of his birthfamily so he would know who he looks like. I wanted him to know her and the birthfamily. The SW and agency lawyer reached out to her multiple times on my behalf. She refused every time. I am coming to terms with it slowly. I hope you can to in your own time. Good Luck!

[takingtheplunge]

I will soon be writing my first letter. This is what I plan to do. Perhaps it can give you an idea:

With the letter, I will send just one photo in a sealed envelop. This will allow her to read my letter and decide when she is ready to view the photo if at all.

In my letter, I am going to include a self addressed stamped envelop with a very simple questionnaire and request a photo of her.

Then, I will wait 3 months. If I get nothing, I will write one more letter (or a package, rather) and i will enclose a instant camera with a postage paid box to mail me back the camera. Of course, both times, i will use my husband's PO box.

I don't know if this will work, but I figure she might not have stamps around and might not have any pics of herself if she's moved a lot and is semi-transient.

Ultimately, if this fails, I might try again in a year, but that will be the end. You cannot force someone into communicating and I won't continue giving pics if I get nothing in return.

Relax and don't fret. The child will live fine w/o a pic of his birth mom. You are the mom now.

[joskids]

I understand you also. Because we have some level of openness with the families of two of our children and NOT for the other two, it will be difficult in the future for the children who have limited contact. In the case of our oldest child, his biomother just has no desire for contact, although we've had small bits of contact with his bio aunt and finally have a photo of his biomother. Jury's still out on biofather, who he is, and any other info about him. I think it causes our son pain that we know who his birthmother is and where she lives, yet she doesn't want to know more about him. We've continued to keep in touch with the agency in hopes that she will change her mind as he gets older, but it's never easy. Since he got the photo of her, he's more satisfied with what he knows, and that definitely helps.

[jp4ga]

My situation is similar to your but different. The bmom of my daughter calls the agency demanding letters and pictures. I always send them as agreed to however, we have not had one update from her as she agreed to do. In court she stated that she wanted us to tell her daughter about her, but she refuses to send us any information, but is demanding about us sending her information.

I say send your update and let her know that you would love to hear from her and then forget about it. It is not worth the stress. Maybe one day she will send you an update, all you can do is hope and pray, but don't dwell on it, or you will go insane.