[TAP]

Ok, so I posted a few weeks ago that we were selected. We are so overjoyed, it is beyond words. We love our birthmom (bdad is out of picture) and her family is very supportive of her plan and seem like great people.

We were e-mailing regularly and have talked on the phone twice.

Since last week, I have not received any e-mails from her (I have sent two that she has not responded to).

Also, we got her a cell phone of her own (through the agency.) We left her a message last week and she never called us back. So, I called her Tuesday and she did call right back (I missed the call .. darn!!!). I left her another message last night and I havn't heard anything. I know she has a life (school, family, friends) and that it all should not revolve around us. But .....

I'm on such a roller coaster going between setting up my nursery with overwhelming joy to being completely worried that she is becoming distant and changing her mind (I'm taking all of that from her infrequent communication the last week).

I know I should feel lucky just to be chosen at this time and that there is hope for a little one in a few weeks. But, I can't get rid of the anxiousness. My DH is also beside himself .. we aren't sure if we should talk about picking out names or how we are going to comfort ourselves when it doesn't work out.

Sorry for the rant .. just needed to write it down.

Thank you all.

TAP

[KyliesMommy]

Tap, I understand your anxiety! Our DD was adopted at birth in October 2007. The bmom was in another state and we flew down to meet her in August and had daily contact after that. That being said, our DS was born in March 2009 and it was a local domestic placement and it was a whole different ball game. The bmom and I spoke on the phone once every couple of weeks and I experienced the same 'paranoia' when I would leave a v.m. and not receive a return call for a few days or even a week. She also had 2 other young children and was very busy. 1 week before our DS was scheduled to arrive (scheduled c-section) she and I spoke for the 'last' time. We knew going in that this would a completely closed adoption. During our 'last' conversation, she indicated that it was time to 'break ties' so to speak and that she would be taking the last week of pregnancy to regroup and prepare for what was ahead. It was VERY difficult knowing that she and I wouldn't speak again as we formed an incredible bond.

Sorry, got off track there. I guess I just want to say that your anxiety and 'paranoia' are normal but I wouldn't worry..especially if she is very close to her due date. Our bmom indicated she was just 'miserable' and ready for everything to be over.

Hope I was able to offer some sort of support?

[midnighttang]

That's a tough situation. I can only imagine how stressed out you are. Try not to worry too much. I'm sure this is any extremely emotional and stressful time for her as well. She may just not be able to talk to you right now. My suggestion, as impossible as it is, is to try not to invest too much of your emotions into this situation, because nothing is certain until she makes her final decision. If it were me in the situation I'm sure I would become extremely emotionally involved, pick out names, buy clothes, stress out and everything else I know you shouldn't do. I'll be thinking about you and waiting for an update. I hope everything works out for the best.

[belleinblue1978]

When I was in the last few weeks of my pregnancy I wasn't talking to anyone, heck, hardly even my boyfriend who lived with me. I was uncomfortable, unhappy, and super emtional. She may also just be trying to enjoy the last bit of her pregnancy without any added pressure and spending time talking to the baby while she is the mom and that kind of thing.

What I'm saying is it probably has zero to do with you and everything to do with her. I know that isn't much comfort, but give her some time, don't pressure, let her know you're there when she is ready to talk.

[Stormster]

Listen to Belle! I almost had a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN FOR NO REASON FOR EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE DESCRIBING.

We were in a very long match with a very independent woman who just didn't need constant contact. When we spoke it was great and then two weeks would go by and every single time I lost my mind.

Now we ended up walking away from that match for other reasons but our son's birth mother liked to talk every day, sometimes a few times a day! It had everything to do with the kind of people they were and zero to do with either woman's commitment to placing their children with us.

Please try and separate your needs from her experience which is unique and personal. You could talk to her every day and she could still decide to parent after all!

I didn't do much with the nursery. Painted and window treatments. If you're nervous or anxious decorating why not order the furniture but not have it delivered and just prep the room!

[Nevada Jen]

One of the wisest things I have heard said on this board is to remember that this is not an exciting happy time for people who are planning on placing a child for adoption. Think of how you feel when you get a call from a bil collector, when you have the money to pay them but just haven't gotten around to it. Certainly not all potential birthmom's feel this way but I think a lot do and aparents sometimes forget that.

My other advice is to let go of the worry and enjoy yourself. Its not gonna hurt any less if she changes her mind if you do not decorate the room.

[bethy724]

I know it's easier said than done but worrying won't change anything so do your best to just coast.

It sounds like your aware of all possible results (your adopting or her choosing to parent) so your being realistic & aware of her choices but worrying won't change anything. Good luck & hang in there.

[EZ2Luv]

I am sure you are anxious, but also this is a holiday week and there just might be other commitments that are going on. As stressful as it is there is little you can do except try not to get stressed(I hope that made sense) That is the only choice you have.

I am sure you are looking for reassurance from emom, but that is still no guarentee. There are many situations where APs and EMoms talk multiple times a week or sometimes daily where the Emom is certain she will place, then the baby is born and Bmom decides to parent. SO my best advice would be until that TPR is signed and revocation period is over this is not a done deal. Give Emom the space she needs and if this is meant to be your baby it will happen whether you speak with Emom 5 times a day or every 5 weeks.

EZ

[thanksgivingmom]

I agree with Belle 100%.....while I wasn't matched before Cupcake was born, the end was about me, me, me. And my daughter of course. It was a time where I read to her, talked to her, sang to her. My guess is that I would have been very reluctant to using that time to reassure someone else, or even to communicate with them about the baby and the plan for her to leave me.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, honestly. But your needs are likely not her top priority, nor should they be.

And, likewise, should she place, her feelings aren't going to be your top priority. Your top priority will be being an amazing Mom.

We all have to take care of ourselves, and our children of course! Best of luck to you all!!!

[Steph-Jason]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

before Cupcake was born, the end was about me, me, me. And my daughter of course. It was a time where I read to her, talked to her, sang to her. ll!!!

I think thats the case with most pregnant women- then throw in the added emotions that I'm sure most moms who are considering placing have got to be feeling. I know you've got to be scared & anxious but also remember how the emom must be feeling about now!! As an amom I can't speak for what it must feel like getting so close to the labor if you're considering placing but I can only imaging it's incredibly emotional & intense for her right now. I also can't relate to the feelings that you're having of such high anxiety since we were matched the day DD was born but try to remember that whatever God means to happen will happen (I know that's alot easier said than done!!)

As for the nursery- I've read that it's always best to wait until after TPR has been done. I know that's not always easy if you're going to be in another state until clearance but do you have someone that can help with that? I've read that it's better not to prepare too much in case the emom decides to parent- that way you're not decorating that room with that specific baby in mind. We had my parents get basic stuff for us - the crib, changing table & a few decorative items while we were waiting to come home. Then within the next month we finished everything ourselves. Good luck to you!!

[ChromaKelly]

Yep, I was feeling exactly the same way. I was always worried that she would have the baby and no one would call us. Caleb's bmom is/was a busy person, and it was hard for her to find a free moment to call. Try not to worry or take it personally. :hug:

[RavenSong]

Like Belle and TGM, I spent the last few weeks of my pregnancy concentrating on what was coming. I pulled back emotionally from family and friends. I became very quiet... Looking back now, I think I was going very deep inside myself to gather the strength I needed to place my baby for adoption.

The last few weeks of pregnancy are also an extremely hormonal time. I burst into tears for the slightest reason, and I snapped quickly at people who annoyed me at home.

Hang in there. I know it must be so frustrating not to be in control, at least it would be for me.

[SupaModel]

I would be stressing too. ((HUGS))

[TAP]

Hi everyone .. thank you for all your advice. It's all so reasonable, no wonder this forum is such a great place.

So, I sent our wonderful birthmom a text message and wished her a happy easter and she immediately texted us back thanking us and wishing us a happy easter. Maybe I'm just using the wrong media.

Anyway, Im going to try to relax this week and enjoy my family and husband and think good thoughts.

After reading all your posts, it really is out of my control and all I can do is take comfort in the fact that it will already be what it will be.

Thank you all again,

TAP

[thanksgivingmom]

Glad to hear your update TAP!