[loveajax]

On another board I frequent, a woman said she and her hubby were "turned down" by three agencies for domestic adoptions for being over the age requirements (she was 40, DH 46). Has anyone ever heard of this before? I have been so "cavalier" thinking that I had more time to think about whether we move forward for adoption #2 (I'm sure anyone who knows me is sick of me waffling on this...I know I am!). Now I am little scared...I know the agency we used does not (as far as I know), but I didn't plan on using them again. Yikes. (I am 40 and DH is 43, btw, and we live in an "agency only" state).

[thanksgivingmom]

hm....I don't know! (Obviously, since I'm not on that end of things!) BUT Cupcake's Mom was 42 at time of placement Not that that's helpful AT ALL, haha. Just throwing it out there!

[loveajax]

Tmom, you always are rubbing your youth (and beauty) in my face...hahahah!! I knew this would be in issue for a lot of IAs, but I had never heard of it for domestic. (Of course, by the time I decide to pull the trigger, I will be in the nursing home anyway...haha!).

[Gwen72]

DH was 45 when we first signed on with our original agency. They did tell us they would not accept us for their CC program but we were open to any race anyway so they accepted us into their AA/Biracial program. Their reasoning for not accepting us into the CC program was that emoms "Do not pick people who are old enough to be her parents." They said that since there are so few people open to AA/Biracial babies those emoms "don't have a choice but to place with older adoptive parents." The second agency we signed with who actually placed our son with us did not have and age limit though. I think you will be able to find an agency willing to work with you when you decide to go for number 2. Good Luck!

[Saya]

I've never heard of that before - I mean if it's up to the birthmom anyway, why create other artificial criteria? Certainly my agency doesn't have an age requirement. (Good thing too - I'll be 40 next month. . .)

[journeytolily]

While researching domestic adoption in 2008, I came across many agencies that have an age limit. Usually 40 or 45. It seemed that most agencies would allow you to be up to 50 for AA/biracial infants. And I even saw a couple of agencies with no age requirements whatsoever, no matter what race child you are open to.

You shouldn't have a problem finding an agency when the times comes, but you may find your choices a bit more limited than if you were in your 30's.

[loveajax]

Gwen....are you serious? Wow. Honestly, I can't believe some stuff I hear. It blows my mind.

Saya, I know. I mean I suppose an agency could say, "You likely will have a longer wait..." but to not "accept" a person/couple on age just seems wrong to me.

OK, I better A) start researching and B) keep dying those grays!!

ETA: Thank you, Journey, for responding as well! I thought 40 was the new 30!

Btw, at our orientation sessions, we met a birth mom who placed when she was in her early 40s....and my SW had a similar placement right before we adopted DD....I wonder if those women would want to place with people much younger (I guess it would depend, but it just reminded me that the agency may have been wrong, Gwen, when it was suggesting that all birth moms are young).

[belleinblue1978]

My son's parents are matched with an expectant couple and they are in their mid 40's. They were in their late 30's when we chose them.

My first mom was older than my folks when she had me. They were in their early 30's when I came home. I was 26 when kiddo was born, not all that young. I wouldn't have placed with a couple younger than myself. It's fallacy that all first moms are young.

[lovemy2boys]

When we were adopting the first time, there were two couples in our group who were "older" The wives were mid 40's, the husbands were 50's.

Our agency went by health - not age...

And the idea that an agency said that emoms don't pick people old enough to be THEIR parents is absurd. My DH is actually the same age as JD's biograndpa (firstmom's dad). In fact, her youngest sister is only 6 months older than JD...And in our experience, age had little to do with anything - it was the connection...

[aclee]

When so much in the adoption industry is based on wait times, some agencies will not accept older couples because their wait could be longer, and would "throw" their numbers. It is basically the same reason that many RE's will limit the # of women that they treat that are over a certain age, or even over a certain BMI...I know I asked many agencies how long their longest couple had currently been waiting! Often times agencies wouldn't say, or would tell me, but "qualify" it that the couple was same sex, older, or very selective in some way.

To the agencies...it's all business...

[loveajax]

Thank you, Belle, Love and Aclee....I wonder if agencies tell expecting parents, "Oh, here are the profiles...but don't expect to see anyone over 40!" I mean, WTH?

And Aclee, that's a good (and sad) point.

Ok, now I am sort of rip roaring mad (but i'm too old to get really mad...it's more like grumpy and tired!).

[Linny]

You can BET many agencies will limit those who are over 40yrs old; or, at least over 45. We've seen this time and again. We've received some 'grace' from agencies who, knowing we only wanted AA or bi-racial babies, let us 'go ahead and apply'.

However, I CAN tell you, I'm aware of a couple who've tried to adopt a baby who're in their 50's. They've adopted before too (approved homestudy, etc); BUT, their ICPC has said they feel 'they're too old' and using THAT as part of the criteria for not wanting them to come back into their state!!!!! (Yes, really...it's true.)

I often wonder what an agency's 'big deal' is by putting a cap on age? I mean, what's it to them---as long as the couple/single knows they might wait longer than people who're younger, KWIM?

But even so, in this day and age, when people are having families SO much later in life...and frankly, I think they're so much more patient and such, WHY would it matter to any agency?

Beats me. As for us, we've adopted when we were around 50...and our wait time wasn't much longer than anyone else here!!!
Just keep searching. You'll find an agency worthy of you!!!

Most Sincerely,

Linny

[Gwen72]

LoveAjax- the agency that would not accept us in the CC program was wrong about so many things. Hindsight is 20/20 though. They are doing our postplacement visits until June so I can't tell them exactly how I feel. I am hoping that TGM comes to my hometown to see her favorite football team sometime this fall and she brings along the face slapping ninja to help a sister out!

[CaddoRose]

We weren't officially "turned down" as prospective adoptive parents, but we were told by 3 agencies that because of our age it was unlikely that a mom would choose us to as adoptive parents. This is merely based on the history these agencies had with adoptive parents and expectant Moms.

At the time we were 43 and 48. We decided to go the foster care route and now, here we are at 46 and almost 51 and adopting our second foster placement who is 20 months old

[loveajax]

Linny, I was thinking of you and Jo when I wrote this and how I think the two of you are both so amazing.

Caddo, congrats!!!

And Gwen, share the ninja please!!

It's funny because I do some civil rights law and I just think this is seriously discriminatory. I may file a lawsuit and then have enough to adopt again with the contingency fee from the settlement!