[vegaschristina]

Did anyone see it? I think Prudie was a little harsh with a disappointed birth mom. What do you all think?

I loathe the daughter I placed for adoption.

[tweetybirdus]

I read it and thought she was a little harsh but I did agree to some extent in that the daughter probably has some issues about being placed for adoption and is probably acting out because of it. She may also have been raised bratty, you never know. I also think that she was right on when she said that maybe her expectations were too high for the type of relationship she wants versus what she has with the daughter. Although, I do think she could have worded it better. I also think she went a little too far by saying that she was acting much the same way as the daughter.

I think she was very disappointed and her expectations didn't mesh with reality and she was let down and hard. I think it's okay to care about someone, love someone, but not like them very much.


Just my 2 cents.

[Fran27]

I think she was way too harsh... Seems to me the only correct thing she says is that her parents didn't raise her very well.

[belleinblue1978]

That was a flat out mean reply. Of course when a person reunites they have different expectations alot of times, then that. I know I expected differently than what I got, but you know, that nature comment was unnecessary and hurtful.

[loveajax]

My husband is in a "reunion" right now (though he is not doing a very good job at it, but I have decided to stop nagging him). I think it is emotionally difficult for everyone involved and probably Prudie doesn't know enough to be giving advice about it (God knows I don't know either).

It would honestly kill me however if I ever heard DD's birth mom refer to her as a "brat" or say she was going to "suck" at her chosen profession. I think the birth mom's harshness probably prompted Prudie's harsh reply. It would be interesting to "know" what happens now?

[mnmomma]

I don't think Prudie was too harsh. I think that her point was that she wasn't really in a place to sit and criticize this girl as if her daughter didn't have reason to criticize her back. "Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" or something like that.

[belleinblue1978]

The nature comment was over the top and here is why: If an adopted person is awful, well you know, it's those bad genes and it's all nature, it couldn't be helped.

If an adopted person is great: Well those adoptive parents, they did a great job overcoming those bad genes.

I know it, b/c I've been hearing that comment for 31 years. Apparently because I am a decent human being that is all my mom and dad.

[Fran27]

I have more time to elaborate now... I think what stroke me as mean is that she's pretty much telling her 'you gave her away, someone else raised her, why did you expect things to go well when you decided to show up'. It's like everything is the birthmom's fault for putting her daughter for adoption, and she should never have searched for her daughter in the first place.

I guess it just seemed to me that this Prudie person has personal issues with adoption. I mean some kids grow up to be brats, and it's just so lame to blame it on the adoption when for all I know the parents did an awful job. There are bad parents everywhere, and just because they adopted doesn't make them perfect.

[Leigh131313]

The person who sent in the question deserved the response she got. It's not like she was overly kind in her wording of her concerns...I'm not sure what she THOUGHT she'd get as a reply, but to me it seemed pretty apropriate.

[Dickons]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

The nature comment was over the top and here is why: If an adopted person is awful, well you know, it's those bad genes and it's all nature, it couldn't be helped.

If an adopted person is great: Well those adoptive parents, they did a great job overcoming those bad genes.

I know it, b/c I've been hearing that comment for 31 years. Apparently because I am a decent human being that is all my mom and dad.

Bravo Bellinblue,

People twist things to make themselves feel good and can't see past their nose to really see the reality.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[elledarcy]

I thought the advice was fair. I think the birthmom was looking to place all the blame on the adoptive parents (and, granted, they may not have done such a great job), so that's where the "nature" comment came from. It seemed to me like Prudie was saying that the daughter's behavior might be a combination of both nature and nurture and that the birthmother was looking to place all the blame on her daughter’s parents.

Also, I think she had a point when she criticized the birthmom for essentially complaining that her daughter was not meeting her needs. I agree with Prudie that the birthmom needed to focus back on the daughter and how she might be having a difficult time dealing with the reunion and the feelings about her adoption this is bringing up. Not to mention the daughter is currently going to school and trying to raise a child, which is not easy.

The birthmom was pretty harsh in her letter and she deserved a harsh response. Reunion is hard, but she was acting like it was only hard for her and that her daughter had to live up to some mythical concept of what a daughter should be. Prudie was right to point out that the daughter probably has some disappointment and adoption issues of her own that the birthmother needs to be more sympathetic too.

[PersianMama]

I also think that maybe the daughter has issues since she is now a mother herself. She's obviously single, and she chose to keep her baby (even though the biomom says the grandparents are raising him/her). Her pregnancy and decision must have brought up all sorts of feelings about her own adoption, and then Boom, her biomom finds her! She didn't look for the woman herself, so maybe she didn't really want contact with her.

[feelingreyt]

Originally Posted by vegaschristina

Did anyone see it? I think Prudie was a little harsh with a disappointed birth mom. What do you all think?

I loathe the daughter I placed for adoption.

I thought the birthmom's comments were harsh and Ms. Prudie was responding in a like manner.

[EZ2Luv]

I think the advice was spot on. Notice how the Bmom signed the letter. reffering her as the "daughter she NEVER wanted". IMO the Bmom went in with a sucky attitude. Yes reunion is hard, but whatever side your on, you just can't expect to waltz in somone's life and expect to become fast friends and love everything about them. The reality is up until a relationship developes you are bacisally strangers who share DNA. Also, one side is always going to have fantasies of how the reunion is going to be the be all and end all of all the misery they have ever had in life, even things not related to the adoption. I have seen this happen so many times where people set them selves up. It just does not work that way.
One of the things I am grateful for is when I went into reunion it was because I basically HAD to. I did not have a chance at building any expectations and I would have been fine just getting medical information without ever exchanging words with bfamily. I am happy it happened that way because I found myself having to walk away because these people were too dysfunctional.
Had I set up expectations I would have been one diappointed chick.

EZ

[kdx2]

If someone is going to write to a columnist and put their feelings into such harsh and cruel words, they should expect the same in a response. To say you loathe your daughter? Fine if you loathe your daughter. But some things are better kept to one's self. Her daughter DID NOT seek out the mom so why should the daughter put on a show for her? Maybe she was raised not quite right....maybe she had PMS that day....maybe the baby was up all night so she was cranky....maybe she had a hangnail....maybe she has a bone to pick with her biomom....Who knows!?! There are so many factors as to why the daughter acted the way she did but to flat out say you loathe her after meeting her this one time after 23 years...ABSURD! Does the mom loathe her because she is a spitting image of the mother herself and the mom has some insecurities? Possibly.

While Prudie (is that even her real name?) could have chosen her words a little better, I feel she did a good job. The mother did not play around with words and used some that were very hurtful- I hope the daughter doesn't see the article. Prudie might just have been dishing back what the mom was dishing out and tried to put the mom in her place.

There are so many ways to look at Prudie's response. This would be good for a psych class to ponder...