[TXKim]

Hi all,

We received a call today from our agency letting us know that we were being seriously considered by a birthmother who would like to speak with us. I wanted to get y'all's advice on a few things before calling the bmother...

1.) My husband and I are comfortable with sending pics and letters to the birthmother, but we had always thought it would be through the agency. If she wants to talk with us on the phone, then that may/is going to lead to more open contact. Those of you who started an adoption with a phone call to the birthmother, would you please let me know how communication progressed, if it did at all?

2.) I'm nervous. Any advice on what I should let her know during our conversation?

Thanks!
Kim in TX

[Mom-2-2]

I've never been through it so I can't give any words of wisdom, but my recommendation would be to just try and relax (if possible) and be honest and be yourself. If it's meant to be, it will be! Good luck! What exciting potential!

[Magic_Hat]

Congratulations on your possible match!

I don't think one phone call before she chooses you will necessarily lead to having an open adoption. If you put yourself in her shoes, think about how strange it would be to place your child with someone that you've never even spoken to (no offense to anyone who did that). She probably just wants to get a better idea of what you are like, a better idea than what you can get from reading a letter and seeing pictures.

Did you specify with your agency that you didn't want a very open adoption? Did they say what kind of openness this expectant mom wants? Maybe she does just want pictures and letters a couple times a year but would like to have a conversation in the beginning to be more sure of her choice. Your openness is something that you can negotiate in the beginning and it can evolve if you all want it to.

We met our daughter's birth mom in person and it was very nerve wracking! But luckily we all clicked. We started relaxing after about 15 minutes and then talked for 2 more hours! I went to the car and wrote down everything about her I could remember in case she did choose us but we didn't maintain openness. We do see her and speak/email regularly, which I'm grateful for. I guess I'm trying to say to look at this as an opportunity to find out more about her too, in case she ends up being the birth mom of your child. You might later be happy that you can tell your child that his/her birth mom had a sweet voice or a good sense of humor, etc.

Just try to be yourself and show that you are interested in her as a person not just as a potential birth mom.
Good luck!!

[Emster]

We alwasy assumed we would have pic/letter contact but weren't TOTALLY against some openness. We started our process with a phone call. The SW gave us a number we were to call at a specific time--I guess her home. We spoke for about an hour about EVERYTHING. It made everything much less scary. We didn't exchange info other than first names. Not even locations at that time. We didn't talk again until the day our baby was born about a month later.

We roomed in at the hospital for one night and shared a lot of time together and with her family over the course of her stay in the hospital and exchanged even more information, but still things remained relatively closed for a year after. WE were the ones who initially pushed for more casual openness. We worred about her, wanted Woob to have that connection to his family, so right around his first birthday we shared our first visit. It has been a blessing. Throughout it all, we are very respectful of boundaries. A phone call doesn't have to translate into a super open relationship. You can let things grow as you go if you want to. The going between with the agency got OLD and burdensome really fast (send christmas present to the agency and pay extra box and postage for them to send it on...takes forever to get there, etc.)

Regarding the phone call itself, just take it as it comes, breathe, know that she really wants to get to know YOU, not whats on paper. She'll likely have specific questions, and then you can go from there getting to know one another.

I wish you luck!

[Emster]

BTW--we are in regular contact with exchange of pics, visits at each others homes a few times per year, etc. Its even more important to us now, that Woob has two bio sisters who have been born since. He gets to keep those connections to sibs.

[nee18]

I posted on something similar to this too not to long ago, so sorry if I repeat myself, but we talked with our son's birthmom on the phone before he was born. We had a conference call at our agency with our social worker in the room, which helped a lot. She kind of helped guide our conversation when we got "stuck." Plus, I was able to make a list of questions that I had in front of me so I wouldn't forget what I wanted to ask (definitely a benefit of talking on the phone versus in person the first time). It was definitely awkward. It was by far the most important conversation I've ever had on the phone in my life, but, despite it's awkwardness, it went well and she chose us and now we have a beautiful little boy . So, try to stay positive, be yourself, and be confident in the fact that she already has seen a lot that she likes in you, so she probably just wants to get to know you better and make sure she's making the right choice. While we were open to an open adoption, I don't think a phone call means anything about how open things will be. We have visits once per year and primarily communicate through e-mail now a couple times per month. I would use the phone call as an opportunity to discuss openness and, who knows, maybe after talking with her, you'll feel comfortable with more. Or, maybe, you'll at least know what kind of boundaries you'll need to be comfortable. Good luck!!

[BrandyHagz]

Hopefully your agency is aware of your position on ongoing contact and hopefully your agency hasn't presented your profile to an expectant mother who doesn't meet your criteria regarding ongoing contact.

Regardless, adoption is about four adults coming together and making a decision that is in the best interest of the child - and each and every one of you have your own ideas about what that is. It is the agencies job to ensure that you and your partners ideas match up as close as possible with the ideas of the expectant parents considering adoption. This is what they're paid to do - so hopefully, they've done that!

Now, as far as a conversation goes - I can't imagine placing my child with someone blindly - that's just me and I realize hundreds of people do it - but I can't imagine doing so myself. While its impossible for anyone here to express what the expectant parents might be feeling – its likely that they want to learn more about you than what is in a printed profile. Talking to you and ensuring their concerns are met is a far cry from expecting or wanting an open adoption.

I urge you to put the concerns aside and just communicate with each other – if the topic of open adoption comes up, you can let them know at that time that the agency/attorney had made a mistake, you weren’t interested in open adoption and you can terminate the call/match at that time.

Everyone has their line in the sand…there is nothing wrong with not wanting an open adoption – and hopefully your adoption professional is keeping this very important criteria in mind when presenting you to expectant parents.

[BrandyHagz]

Ack! I didn't mean that to come across as strong as it may have.

What I meant was - hopefully your agency hasn't put you in a position of having to make a hard(er) decision - so just sit back and roll with it - see where it goes and what happens.

[ChromaKelly]

We had that initial phone call with Caleb's birthmother too and I was a nervous wreck! We were also only comfortable with pics/letters, but the way this fascilitator worked was to do the conference calls. One of the people from the fascilitator was on the phone with us, and that did help guide the conversation. Maybe ask if a councelor can be in on the conversation?
It won't necessarily lead to an open adoption. We spoke frequently with Caleb's birthmother during the match period (it was only a couple weeks, she was almost due when we matched), but after placement, we haven't talked that much. We would like more phone contact, but she doesn't call us.
Try not to be too nervous! That first phone call was mostly small talk, kind of like being at a dinner party.

[TXKim]

Thank you all for the kind advice! Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get back to the forum before calling her, so we went into a little unprepared in the conversation topics and questions category. But the conversation went REALLY well. There were a few moments of silence were we were waiting for one another to speak, but I really liked her. Hopefully she liked us as well. And as far as the "too" open for comfortableness....everything was fine. She wants to continue talking, but agreed that we would arrange them through our agency. I'm sure that I will become more comfortable as we move along, but this is my first adoption and it was my first time speaking with a birthmother, so the unknown was a looming.

Thank you all for your support and I will be sure to update as it progresses (if it progresses).

[Magic_Hat]

Glad it went well!!

[TAP]

The exact same thing just happened to us. The agency called last Friday and said a birthmom had picked us. So, of course, we thougth we were "matched." We found out monday that we were not "matched" until we had a phone call with the birthmom and then she could decide to go forward or not. Of course, we were sooo nervous.

But, we kept it very high level. We stuck with "We are very excited you picked us." "How are you feeling", "Your welcome to ask us any questions you'd like", etc.

It went really really well. We also gave you our e-mail, that only reflects our first names and she already e-mailed today saying how happy she is she chose us.

So, TODAY, we will be officially matched. She is due next months.

With all that said, even though we talked, will e-mail and maybe even talk some more .. the level of openness will be for all of us to detemine. As of now, she only wants cards and pictures when she requests them and through the agency.

I hope that helps.

But remember .. the phone call is important .. if you want the match. Our agency said don't be too probing as the first phone call is not the time. It's all for her to make a decision, and we can probe through the agency later.

TAP

[brooklyn_girl]

One thing to keep in mind - just because the emom is open to talking to you now, doesn't mean she necessarily wants an open adoption. I talk to emom every couple weeks, have had lunch with her three times in the past few months - but says that after the baby comes she pretty much wants to forget that it ever happened and move on.

We're hoping she might eventually change her mind and wants the occasional photo or whatever. So I guess what I'm saying is openness now may not necessarily indicate openness later....

[boodersmom]

TAP and TXKim, I am glad that both of your calls went well. Definitely keep an open mind when talking with your emoms and know that this is just a way for you all to get to know a little bit about one another that paper can't tell you. We talked to 3 emoms and were able to find out about them, their families, what their wishes were at the hospital and what there expectations were once the baby was born. It can seem frustrating at times because you are trying so hard to say the right things but just try to relax and understand that they are making their decision to place their babies with someone that they feel comfortable with and someone they feel they can trust. Good luck to you both and please keep us posted!

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by brooklyn_girl

One thing to keep in mind - just because the emom is open to talking to you now, doesn't mean she necessarily wants an open adoption. I talk to emom every couple weeks, have had lunch with her three times in the past few months - but says that after the baby comes she pretty much wants to forget that it ever happened and move on.

We're hoping she might eventually change her mind and wants the occasional photo or whatever. So I guess what I'm saying is openness now may not necessarily indicate openness later....

I wouldn't be surprised if she did change her mind to some degree......"forgetting that it ever happened" and "moving on"??? Two concepts that I know used to be VERY "recommended" yet two things that I feel are nearly impossible to attain.

Once that baby is born and in your arms - your world changes - whether you place or not. I'd let her know that you'll support her down the road should she decide that she's ready for or receptive to pictures. Good luck!