[GoddessDanu]

DH and I aren't even done with our home study yet (2 more months to go!) but I've been looking at the photo listings of waiting children in my state and am very interested in two children, 8 and 6 yeas old. I've been reading books about older child adoption and children in foster care but I was wondering if I could get your take.

Did you adopt an older child and if you did, how has the experience been for you? Thanks!

[munketoes]

We adopted a 5 year old, so mine isn't quite as old as what your looking at. Older kids have been in the system longer most of the time, and come with some different issues than younger kids sometimes. but not all experiences are bad. The kids on the photolistings are usually hard to place, so make sure you get plenty of information on them. There are some families on here that have adopted kids in that age range though, so hopefully you will get some other replies.

[GoddessDanu]

So, I'm assuming the majority of you adopted infants?

If you were able to choose between an older child or a child under 2 years old, why did you go with the younger child?

Thanks!

[minibus]

I will PM you...

[crick]

I'd say the majority on this board did infant adoptions. If you visit the Older Child or Special Needs board, you'll find a lot more parents of older children.

We specified no children over 6 I believe since we felt that the younger the child was, the less "issues" they would have and easier to bond with.

That's been true and not true for us, and you'll find several parents that have not had this happen with their under 5 children.

It really does depend on their background and the number of families they have been with, imo. If you have a 2 year old that suffered severe abuse or multiple moves between family members, you will likely find that 2 year old more difficult to bond/attach than say a 7 year old who wasn't as abused or just had one foster family.

When looking at the photolistings, yes, the kids are generally there because they have been "labeled" as harder to place. But kids not on the listings can also have red flags too. It's really just necessary to know what issues you will NOT deal with and stay true to that, and find out all information about a child you can. Speak with foster families, former foster parents, teachers, therapists etc.

It can also be very overwhelming and scary to read about some families here and what they go through. It's really a situation of highs, lows, and all over the board spectrum. Know that it can be a heartbreaking process and it can also be a wonderful one!

[GoddessDanu]

Thank you for that advice, Crick. DH and I went from wanting a toddler to thinking that an older child (maybe as old as 8) would fit well into our family. There are so many children up for adoption that I hate thinking that I would rule out a placement just because of age.

I completely agree that we need to get as much information as possible. A couple of people have PMed me their experiences and their stories have been eye-opening. I'm starting to understand that this process is going to take longer than I expected but that that's a good thing because it means that we would need to be very thorough in investigated a child who we would think of adopting instead of basing our decision on a cute face.

If anyone else would like to PM me I welcome the advice.

[millie58]

My 4 came from foster care. L, my 11yo, (I got him at 6), had the "least traumatic" experience. My other 3 were doozies. Yes, they're healing. and it took us awhile to get here. but I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world!!

[buttascotchbaby]

I adopted (from foster care) my son who is now 13 (9 at placement) and my daughter who is now 7 (just turned 4 at time of placement) and there have been lots of ups and downs. One of the most shocking things to me was the amount of (and LONG lasting!) damage that could be done to one so young. I was far more apprehensive about my son than I was my daughter. I thought any problems would be with him. How wrong I was! LOL I call her "my little work in progress" and with weekly therapy we are getting there and she has come a LONG way. But I do not regret adopting themm, especially as I know what would have happened to them if I had not... Foster/adopting is not for the faint hearted! But the rewards can be awesome too. My kids are basically good kids on their way to becoming good adults and I am so grateful that we came into each others lives.

Having said that... I would really like to adopt an infant next time! There are still plenty of opportunities for there to be issues, but the odds are a little better that there will not be as much baggage. That is part of the reason, but the other, bigger part is that an infant will fit better into our family right now. My kids are 13, 12 and 7, all in school, all pretty stable and we all have the time and attention to give to a little one. Not to mention that I am getting older and would like to do the baby thing "one more time"

We also have our first foster placement in a while and it is 5 & 7 y.o. siblings and it has been much harder this time (on my kids more than anything/one else) to integrate them into our family.

I hope that helps some The thing is that there are SO many older kids out there that need adopting and I am SO glad that it ended up the way it did in my situation. I set out only wanting a baby girl, 0-2 I guess you can say that my perimeters widened just a bit LOL I am also a firm believer in what is meant to be will be and these kids are meant to be mine. As much as I feel that I want a baby now I am still open to whatever is meant to be too...

[GoddessDanu]

Millie and Jennifer, thank you. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me. You've given me even more to think about.