[PandaPanda]

Hey all, first post here. Be gentle.

I'm at a point in my life where, though I consider myself too young to have children, I am thinking about what my choices will be in the next several years about starting a family. I have always been interested in adoption and for several reasons I think this is the best choice for me, but I'm worried that some of these reasons might be seen as a negative during an evaluation (is that the term?).

I am totally, completely grossed out by pregnancy. I am extremely uncomfortable regarding everything about being pregnant and giving birth, and I am thinking about pursuing a tubal ligation or other sterilization procedure to make sure that it never, ever happens.

If an adoption agency finds out that I 'threw away' my chances of having a child of my own, would that negatively affect their opinion of me as a prospective adopting parent? Has anyone had a similar experience? Would they consider my unwillingness to bear a child to mean that I couldn't be a loving mother?

Would I even have to disclose this?

This has been worrying me lately. I don't want to make a decision that could affect my ability to adopt in the future, but I also don't want to make a decision about MY body just because someone might not understand or agree with it.

Help?

[calee]

Hi and welcome to the boards.

I don't think that you being sterilized would make an adoption agency think that you are an unloving person. They WILL probably discuss your fertility with you, as for MANY people considering adoption, infertility is an emotional journey that warrents discussion during the adoption process.

I think that you could have difficulty finding a doctor that will perform a permanent sterilization on you for the reasons that you have listed. Perhaps there is another extremely reliable form of birth control (such as coils or an IUD) that you could consider.

[karla-k]

Hi, by your description of saying you are "too young" to have children, I am assuming you are a young adult. I agree with PP who said that most doctors will not agree to do this type of procedure for the reasons you state. There are also some doctors who will not do a tubal on even married women who have children if they are under a certain age (sometimes 30.)

I do know that when I was younger, lots of things seemed incredibly unappealing (and even disgusting) to me that are now not a big deal to me. I am not saying that you will ever have the desire to be pregnant, but life does bring experiences to us that sometimes swings our viewpoint on issues we feel strongly about.

Choosing to give up the option of ever bearing children is a permanent decision. Yes, they say there are surgeries, reversals, etc. But you must assume that a tubal ligation or vasectomy (for men) is permanent and have that mind set about it.

There are other options for birth control that are not permanent and if the day ever comes for whatever reason that you would want to be pregnant, you can stop using that method of birth control.

[emdmom]

I don't know how it might impact your chances at adoption. I would like to discourage you from sterilization. You may feel very differently in 5 years or 10 years. I was 25 when my oldest was born and I didn't want anymore children. I loved her and she was great, I just really didn't want any more. I was done and I couldn't imagine changing my mind. Now, she is almost 10, I have adopted 2 children and we are trying for a third. Your feelings may change just as the rest of you will. Also, are you married? If not, I would wait to do anything to limit your reproductive future. You may not change your mind; but, what if you do?

[PandaPanda]

I've heard that it's very difficult to be OKd for the procedure if you're young and childless. I haven't brought it up with my doctor yet because I am still considering the possible cons (hence this thread ) so I can be as educated as possible beforehand... Meanwhile, depo.

Other reasons (besides being generally terrified of pregnancy) for wanting to be sterilized are connected to the reasons I want to adopt. I feel like there are so many children in unloving homes or with no home at all that it would be selfish to become pregnant just to have one that's "mine" (not judging anyone, just how I'd feel personally). I'm worried about population growth and the strain it puts on the planet. I guess it's part rational and part emotional.

At least I already have a beautiful niece so the pressure to deliver grandchildren is off me for a while and I have time to think about it, lol. But I'd definitely like to hear from someone who had a similar situation, or an adoption professional who can tell me what sort of impact this decision would have.

emdmom: I'm not married, but in a LTR and have been living with my partner for about 3 1/2 years now. He has pretty much the same views I do. Even though we are not in a place to have children we talk about it a lot because it's obviously a huge decision!! x_X Used to date a guy that would talk a lot about "our son" that I would bear him when we were married (!!)... he even named it. Really awkward. Glad that's over.

[Wisdom]

Originally Posted by PandaPanda

I am totally, completely grossed out by pregnancy. I am extremely uncomfortable regarding everything about being pregnant and giving birth, and I am thinking about pursuing a tubal ligation or other sterilization procedure to make sure that it never, ever happens.
If an adoption agency finds out that I 'threw away' my chances of having a child of my own, would that negatively affect their opinion of me as a prospective adopting parent? Has anyone had a similar experience? Would they consider my unwillingness to bear a child to mean that I couldn't be a loving mother?

Would I even have to disclose this?

This has been worrying me lately. I don't want to make a decision that could affect my ability to adopt in the future, but I also don't want to make a decision about MY body just because someone might not understand or agree with it.

Help?

I don't think your choice would negatively affect an agency's opinion of you. But I think the agency and social worker doing your homestudy would want to know more about your reasons for pregnancy grossing you out. It's the social worker's job to evaluate potential a-parents and it would make sense for them to want to understand you so they can make a correct assessment of you. In other words, I don't think the choice to not bear a child would be the issue, but the reasons for the choice is what matters. They're not only looking for loving parents but parents who are emotionally mature and as long as you've done the emotional work and understand your reasoning for not wanting to be pregnant and you can relay that to your social worker I don't think you'll have a problem.

[jalapeno]

I've always wanted to adopt and over the years have gone through many different reasons as to why. I didn't want to add to the population growth. I didn't the see the point in going through a pregnancy when there were children in the world who needed homes. I am very queasy about anything medical and was definitely afraid of being pregnant. Etc etc.

Well, after two decades of adamantly insisting to anyone and everyone every time the subject came up that I would never never never get pregnant, I changed my mind. Why? Because I had become a mother (through adoption). Motherhood changed me in ways that are just impossible to explain. I wanted my daughter to have a sibling. My husband and I decided to go the pregnancy route because we had just been through an emotionally devastating experience with another foster child. The whole concept of pregnancy just shifted for me. It was a temporary thing. A stepping stone to a greater future. And certainly a small price to pay for the immense joys of motherhood that my daughter had opened my eyes to.

I don't think you would have any trouble adopting if you were able to do a voluntary sterilization. But I'd recommend not doing it. Best of luck!

[binkybear]

speaking from experience (well, the very little that I have so far) you don't have to be infertile to adopt or jump throught hoops in order to express your choice of adoption.

There are agency's out there that require proof of infertility in order to use their services. We weren't aware of that when walking into an informational meeting and pretty much were floored by the idea, just our opinions, I know some LIKE it that way. My point was it has zip zero nada to do with parenting. But in the end it's their business so they make the rules So check out all the fine print on websites and via phone calls before setting up info meetings.

I'm like you in the sense that we're not infertile (that we know of), do not have and never plan or planned on having biological children. We wanted to adopt. For us it was pretty much as easy as stating "we want to adopt we've not had fertility concerns/issues" and that was it.

Honestly, if you're very young and looking ahead before you make more concrete family decisions I'd put the focus on finances before permanent reproductive procedures. Get yourself ahead of where many start out in this process financially.

Well, that's my 2pennies,
Good luck to you

PS...there are quite a few of us out here who weren't ever into the idea of being pregnant, it's not uncommon. 20% of folks enter into adoptoin without fertility issues. That's not a lot, but it's not "rare".

[stilldeciding]

You have to do what is right for you. Pregnancy isn't all gross though. For me, being pregnant was actually ok, afterwards was the time I hate most. If you are under 35, I would strongly encourage you NOT to sterilize yourself even if you do not EVER think you want biological kids. Not because of any other reason, but emotionally. As women we are created to give life and even if we do not ever want to do that..taking that option away sometimes can lead to feelings we did not expect. Once it is done, its done. My DH was infertile for many years and the feeling of not being able to have kids wrecked him emotionally, made him feel like less then a man. You don't ever have to have biological kids and their is nothing wrong with adopting only. Just know that if you do this and change your mind, it may be impossible to go back and undo something like that. If I were you, it would be better to adopt FIRST and be able to say to the agency that you can have bio kids but just feel called to adopt. You don't owe them a huge explanation to why you are choosing NOT to bear children. This way, you leave the door open in case you change your mind, and once you do adopt you will know 100% how you feel and if you still feel strongly that you don't want bio kids. Then you will be able to emotionally make a better decision.

[Cjmeck]

Have you considered an IUD? I had one implanted right before we decided to adopt. For various reasons, I absolutely never want to be pregnant again. My doctor told me that the IUD is actually more effective than tubal ligation. And I don't think what you decide to do with your body will have any bearing on your ability to adopt. Really, our social worker didn't really get into the why's too much with us. You could just say "having a biological child was never important to me" and that would probably be the end of the story.

[PandaPanda]

Originally Posted by Cjmeck

Have you considered an IUD? I had one implanted right before we decided to adopt. For various reasons, I absolutely never want to be pregnant again. My doctor told me that the IUD is actually more effective than tubal ligation. And I don't think what you decide to do with your body will have any bearing on your ability to adopt. Really, our social worker didn't really get into the why's too much with us. You could just say "having a biological child was never important to me" and that would probably be the end of the story.

IUDs make me kind of squidgy (had a bad cervix-meets-huge-needle thing and the thought of anything going up there is a bit scary!!) but if the hormonal stuff stops working out it's great to know that IUDs are so effective. Definitely a lot cheaper than tubal ligation, too!

Big thanks to everyone who commented and put me at ease about the adoption aspect of this. Don't worry, I'm not going to run down the street and get my tubes tied, but it's good to know that not wanting biological kids won't be a big fat "what's wrong with this lady?" sign.

Now I can move on to worrying about every thing else

[humanpitchpipe]

I have to jump in here because I did go through a sterilization. After seeing my parents adopt my brother seven years ago, I knew that adoption was going to be the way that I was going to build my family. We adopted our son from Guatemala and I was on birth control. It was not an issue with the SW in our homestudy - we simply said that we felt God was leading us to adopt. Now we are in process for number 2. I have had several friends go through rough pregnancies and/or several miscarriages, and after our first adoption experience I decided I don't want to become pregnant - ever. I am 31 years old. We have decided that a biological child is not important to us. Plus I have been on Depo and the side effects are too much for me - to the point that it is interfering with my everyday life. And I don't want to take a pill everyday and I have tried so many other birth controls. So I decided to go through a sterilization. I had the Essure coils implanted into my Fallopian tubes. It was quick and painless and the best decision I ever made. I think that it is a decision that you have to really think about and that your significant other should also be okay with. The doctor did not give me any problems or refuse to do the surgery. He simply asked why I wanted the procedure done and I explained why. If you want more information on the Essure (much easier on the body than getting the "tubes tied") PM me. I would be more than happy to discuss it with you.

[qs mom]

Fertility, sterilization, etc. never came up in my homestudy, that I recall.

I'm single, have been in 2 LTR (I'm old! ) anyway, I never became pregnant. I was not opposed to it, it just didn't happen.

I adopted me son, and a year and a half later, had a hysterectomy. It turns out I had a uterine problem that is rare in women who have never given birth. IT was the best think I ever did. That's a story for another day.

Shop around for an agency. It should not be a problem, but some agencies might make it a problem.

As far as sterilization, shop your options. There are plenty of birth control methods, and tubal ligation isn't the only way to make it permanent. The coils look like an awesome option.

[Linny]

In many ways, this thread really hits home, let me tell ya! Dh and I chose to adopt---not because of infertility; but for the reasons of just wanting to adopt, feeling there are already too many children/people on the planet, etc........we knew we would adopt long before we ever got married.
I tried (in vain) to be sterilized, because we knew we'd never want to go the biological route. (BTW, I'm okay with pregnancy, but have/had no desire to do so, except for the EASE of having a baby which would have been much more so than going through the hoops for adoption, KWIM?)
But, no MD would touch this---for me---however, my dh WAS able to convince his childhood MD to help us out. And, he did. We made this decision at the age of 25yrs old and we've never regretted it.

I will tell you though, for most of the agencies we've dealt with, we had to explain our reasoning to adopt rather than give birth. I find this ridiculous; but we had to discuss it more than once...and I realize it's out of the norm for most people/couples.
However, while an agency may ask you to talk to your MD or further with their caseworker, overall, I think it may show your dedication to adoption
I could almost guarantee it will come up; and, in some instances, some agencies won't even talk to you---especially if you're wanting the 'healthy-white baby', because those programs are sometimes 'saved' for those undergoing infertility. (Something else I don't understand.....but that's another thread.) We never wanted the 'healthy-white baby' anyway...so it didn't matter, KWIM?
Anyway, that's my take, or rather, our take. I hope it helps somewhat.

Sincerely,

Linny

[PersianMama]

It sounds like what you might want is some form of long-term birth control. Don't make a potentially life-altering decision right now. It sounds silly, but you might fall in love and want to have a baby with someone someday. I've given birth to three babies. Believe me, it is gross and weird The thing is that it doesn't seem so gross and weird when it's your own body and your baby.

As far as adoption, I don't think it would ruin your chances.