[Larue]

We recently completed our training to become foster parents for WA State, and to provide respite care. We are hoping to adopt a child 0 – 3 years old. Either gender and any race. I was always under the impression that children in the system are older. And many are. But there are also many infants and toddlers too. For us, we didn’t want to adopt out of birth order. Our sweet daughter Sabrina, adopted from Guatemala is 3. And we know for our family, that we have to maintain birth order and allow her to continue to be the oldest. After her readoption, and talking to our attorney, we found that there are many infants/toddlers in the system. Many are children of color who are drug exposed. And are Hispanic, AA, or bi-and multiracial. We are working through a private agency and hope to be placed soon.

So here is my question. I have come across many people, including adoptive parents, who look down on international adoption because they that think people should adopt kids from the U.S. Yet I don’t see these same people standing in line to adopt a child out of the system. We all have to do what works for our family. But I am confused by the double standard. I am interested in hearing from others. What were your reasons for choosing your adoption path? And for people who adopted out of the systen, what advice would you give me?

Thanks!

[Lorraine123]

We adopted from US foster care primarily because of the cost. It is basically free.

You will get comments no matter which direction you choose. We get asked why we did not adopt from overseas. When people hear my daughter is adopted, I get asked "from what country?".

You have to do what best matches your family.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Larue

We recently completed our training to become foster parents for WA State, and to provide respite care. We are hoping to adopt a child 0 – 3 years old. Either gender and any race. I was always under the impression that children in the system are older. And many are. But there are also many infants and toddlers too. For us, we didn’t want to adopt out of birth order. Our sweet daughter Sabrina, adopted from Guatemala is 3. And we know for our family, that we have to maintain birth order and allow her to continue to be the oldest. After her readoption, and talking to our attorney, we found that there are many infants/toddlers in the system. Many are children of color who are drug exposed. And are Hispanic, AA, or bi-and multiracial. We are working through a private agency and hope to be placed soon.

So here is my question. I have come across many people, including adoptive parents, who look down on international adoption because they that think people should adopt kids from the U.S. Yet I don’t see these same people standing in line to adopt a child out of the system. We all have to do what works for our family. But I am confused by the double standard. I am interested in hearing from others. What were your reasons for choosing your adoption path? And for people who adopted out of the systen, what advice would you give me?

Thanks!

We had hoped to adopt from foster care initially but it took our province a very long time to even get to the parent prep training much less the homestudy. We got to the point where we wanted to try other avenues so we checked out and eventually went with one of the private agencies here. Children's Services eventually got to us but each time (we were homestudy ready with them twice, the second time for foster-adopt) we were placed through the private agency first. We were placed with infants through the private agency but they had similar birth family histories to many children who eventually end up in the system.

We have gone through about six months of discussions with children's services in our area since we moved determining whether our family would do foster care. We have decided not to do it for now due to many factors, including Children's Services desire for us to basically start over with everything after we've already been through it all twice before and are parenting two kids with special needs backgrounds.

It was our first choice but the system was less than ideal. Although we did gain alot from the process regarding parenting kids with the backgrounds our kids have, we still struggled to deal with the system. For the most part, I do believe there is good intent, but it is overburdened and therefore was very frustrating to deal with.

Best of everything on this journey for you...

[crick]

Congrats on starting the process to add to your family!

Not sure why there's a double standard on anything really, but you will find just as many opinions about your choice to adopt from foster care as you do about your choice to adopt from Guat. So hopefully you've got your thick skin ready to go.

We were originally going to adopt from Ukraine and foster care didn't even enter our minds for a number of reasons. Then 9/11 happened and things got put on the back burner. I kept surfing the web though and one day I came across the U.S. Kids site that had all the pics of waiting kids. I went "huh?" ( I know..I know!) and that was it. Our track changed.

Advice - you are likely already well read on attachment concerns and since you are going for the 0-3 age range, I highly recommend "The Toddler's Adoption - A Weaver's Craft" if you haven't yet read this book. (Don't know how old Sabrina was when she came home so forgive me if you've already read this stuff)

In general, I think foster care adoption carries a lot of assumptions from others, much like they do with international, only you'll have different scenarios. I find at times there is an opinion of "kids are 2nd rate" and yet you as the parent are "a saint" for adopting one of "those children".

I will say a difference will be reading the reports from the social workers and foster parents. They do use some key phrases that should raise some flags for you to do more research on before you make a decision. In general, assume more than they tell you and ask a lot of questions.

[Larue]

Thank you every one for sharing your experience and input. I have read A Toddler Adoption, The Weaver's Craft. Great Book! And after going through attachment issues with my daughter, I expect to experience many more challenges with our next child. I have consulted with an attachment therapist in the past. And imagine I will be doing so again.

Still wondering about the challenges of kids in the system, which is unique. Not surprised to see that this thread has 62 views, but only 3 responses. I am going to cross post in another forum and hope for more input. Thanks again!

[Daisy1339]

Hi, Laura!

DH and I were licensed to foster/adopt through our state in 2007. We got one placement, an infant, but a maternal aunt popped up and took him.

So, we decided that we could not stand that kind of heartache again. We only had him for 3 weeks, but the reality is we could have had him for 15 months or more and a family member would have still trumped us.

We found the agency we are with now and just hoping for a short wait ( along with everyone else! ).

Good Luck!

[missymissus]

Hi Laura!

DH and I are also licensed to foster/adopt in Washington state and are hoping to adopt a child or two 0-3 years old. So far we've had 3 placements (our first is still here).

I've noticed that people are going to comment on absolutely anything and everything you do, whether biological or adopted or foster or none at all. Its just the way nosey people are.

As far as why you don't see people standing in line to adopt from foster care, I would guess a large part of that is the emotional rollercoaster. Not knowing if the child you love is going to stay forever or go home before the next holiday can be heartbreaking. There have been times where I've doubted if I can continue to go through it and I know many people who don't feel they can go through it.

[slugbug0930]

Originally I wanted to go the foster adopt route because it is cheaper and there are a lot of kids in the system that could use a permanent & loving home.....but DH said that he couldn't handle getting attached to a child and then having to give them back. So then we decided on international adoption as that seemed to fit DH's general requirement of less risk of someone taking the child after placement.

But in the end we ended up with a domestic adoption. We didn't really choose to go this route but.....DD made her way into our life through an identified match.

One of my coworkers/friend knew that DH & I were planning, saving & getting everything in order to adopt a child. My friend let me know that she knew someone that was looking to place her baby for adoption. DD's bmom is a very close friend of my friend's family. She had let my friend's family know that she was planning on placing DD for adoption. DD's bmom is incarcerated and will be for the next 6 years. She chose to place DD in an open adoption situation rather than put her in foster care as she had no family that she felt could trust to take custody of DD. We contacted DD's bmom and after she decided that she liked us and wanted to place DD with us.....we then worked with the agency she had chosen.

Since I wasn't opposed to any of the options you mentioned I can't say why some people prefer one over the other. I know in DH's case it was a sense of security. Trust me he was totally freaked out until we got DD's finalization papers in the mail. He just couldn't relax until he knew she was ours officially forever. Luckily DD's adoption finalized in only 4 months.

[vegaschristina]

Foster adoption can take SO long! I've had my youngest 2 kids since they were infants...my son since he was 6 months and my daughter since she was 3 moths...we still haven't finalized. We've had Bubba for 3 years now.

Just so you know, our kids were still foster kids when we brought them home, and we've loved them thru weekly visits, and when bmom took off and there were no visits, and even right before RU happened. We've loved them thru the TPR trial, bmom's relinquishment, and thru waiting to be referred to the adoption unit. And, God willing, we'll finalize this year. I'm finally excited it's gonna happen because now the kids have a CAP attorney to look out for their interests.

[TxMom65]

We chose to adopt our daughter from foster care because we knew her already from school. The majority of people were overwhelmingly supportive but a few had the opinion that all of these kids are damaged goods, had the nerve to ask if she had been molested, and warned that she would act out as a teen.
The truth is that there is always a history and some pain to the lives of these children. My daughter is a blessing and a joy but her pain is still there.
Good luck on your journey. These kids do need good people for parents.

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by crick

Congrats on starting the process to add to your family!

Not sure why there's a double standard on anything really, but you will find just as many opinions about your choice to adopt from foster care as you do about your choice to adopt from Guat. So hopefully you've got your thick skin ready to go.

In general, I think foster care adoption carries a lot of assumptions from others, much like they do with international, only you'll have different scenarios. I find at times there is an opinion of "kids are 2nd rate" and yet you as the parent are "a saint" for adopting one of "those children".

I will say a difference will be reading the reports from the social workers and foster parents. They do use some key phrases that should raise some flags for you to do more research on before you make a decision. In general, assume more than they tell you and ask a lot of questions.

I really can't say it any better than this. It is a shame that people judge based upon how you decide to go about adopting. It's a difficult process however you go about it and support would be so much more helpful! Actually, I hear those types of comments more from people who are not adoptive parents than from those who are. We did fost-adopt with our son. We have heard many times that our son is so lucky that we adopted him and people ask for details about why he was removed from his birthparents. So there is a stigma there too - but perhaps a slightly different form.

I wish you the very best on your journey. Our adoption through foster care went very smoothly and we have had our beautiful son since he was 3 months old. But as you can tell from other comments, it's not always as easy as it was for us.

[jp4ga]

We tried to adopt from the foster care system in our state. After 3 years we were still at step #1, we had several placements, but all were returned home, many are now back in care. My state and especially my county believes in "reunification at any cost." So after 3 years of heart ache we went the private route. The sad thing is that when we told the supervisor that we were going private, they closed our home. We are more than willing and able to continue to foster and help kids, but since we went the private route to complete our family we are no longer able to provide homes to children in need.

I think that you will find Foster to Adopt differs state by state, and that people have tried this route and have not had success based on individual state laws. I don't think it is a double standard, people get tired of waiting and having disappointment after disappointment.

[shy_bear]

For us we firmly believe there are tons of kids here in the US why would anyone go overseas? You have to take care of your own first. Again, just our opinion. I don't judge those who adopt overseas it was just not the right choice for our family.
We fostered for awhile and felt our kids, who are adopted domestically, where not old enough to deal with it. We then a couple of years later went back to the system to adopt. We were open to a sib set of 2 no older than 3. We were placed with a newborn baby who does have some issues, but the process was very simple and we had no legal issues. We have been told and I know that this kind of case is very rare so we truely count our blessings.
I feel no matter how you adopt someone has something to say!!!

[SuzBerg]

Larue - You might want to post this questiion on the Special Needs Board - most of us have adopted our kids from Foster Care.

We adopted our daughter at age 2.5 from our state's system. We went through a private non-profit agency. I liked working with them instead of DHS (or CPC or whatever it's called in your state). We did straight adoption and did not foster first. This meant we waited longer but for our family it was a good option.

I don't know why the stigma, but I do know what you are talking about. I have had people make really rude, innapropriate comments. Our daughter has been with us almost 5 years - adopting from foster care was a great decision for us.

[Fe2002]

I adopted an AA baby thru a private agency. My DD came home when she was 3 wks. As a general rule of thumb, I just don't deal with govt/social service type agencies. If I can avoid it, I will. The bureaucracy drives me crazy. For me, it wasn't a stigma against the children so much as my preconceived notions of dealing with DFACS.

I realize I could've been matched with a similar situation thru DFACS for low or no cost, but I still didn't consider the anticipated aggravation worth it.