[mommieof2cuties]

We are still having issues with or adopted DS birthmom. She is Bipolor and I really thought I could handle it. But she has been calling my husbands cell at all hours of the night. She seems to think that one day my husband and I will divorce and she will move in and be me. I am not worried about that at all. But worried about the relationship this plays into my son. When we do have visits he hates going, when my ds talks about her he dislikes her (he is only just three) Because I have a love for the adoption world and change, I don't want to over look something I could or couldn't have done for DS. We have tried to get her in programs, we hae tried to do so much for her, but when we moved we decide it was best to really limit contact since it was so unhealthy. But my husband said she will call his cell all hours and seldom asks about DS always about me. I am at a loss as to what to do.I don't want DS to dislike his bmom, but she did do mean things to him so on one hand I can feel his feelings towards her, but I always believe in chances. All advice is welcome.

God Bless
Summer

[4everwaiting]

Sorry I have no advice...

But sending big ((HUGS)) to you all for having to go through this!

[mommieof2cuties]

Originally Posted by 4everwaiting

Sorry I have no advice...

But sending big ((HUGS)) to you all for having to go through this!

THANK YOU!!!!

[Jensboys]

Can I ask why your husband is taking the calls from another woman in the middle of the night? He is the healthy one in this situation and should be be firm with his boundaries. "My wife and I have a rule that we dont talk privately with someone of the opposite sex" or "I have decided not to take your personal calls anymore, why dont you call my wife tomorrow afternoon" or ?? Some other way to show her that HE doesnt agree with the behavior.

I am sorry ... boundaries are TOUGH.

[danhanan]

Oh Summer, I can so relate. We had serious problems with our DD's bmom. I sought advice from a psychologist, who, after hearing everything that went on recommended that we cut off all contact until DD is at least 10 yrs old. She feels the same way about her bmom. I tried so hard for so long to work things out, but opne thing the psychologist said was that you can expect to reason with the unreasonable and you can't set boundries with someone that knows none.
Good luck, it's such a tough road.

[crick]

I agree with Jensboys...

You can't change her behavior or control her calling him. You can change your response to it all though. Your dh can answer one time and firmly say he will not accept her calls any longer and direct her to email or another number/plan you both set up. Then he either blocks her or just doesn't answer and deletes her msgs.

To set a boundary with someone who has no concept of what that means or refuses to respect it means you can only change your end of things.

It's hard and frustrating I'm sure!

[mondk]

Can your hubby change his cell number; maybe then she'd get the hint. Or call her yourself and tell her you are the one she should contact...and even then, via email or something.

Being bipolar myself, just understand: we aren't all bad! :-)

Blessings, Michelle

[EZ2Luv]

I agree with those who said to change the number. People with such mental health issues really cannot control their behavior (especially if they stopped taking meds) so clear boundries need to be set. Sutle hints or just plain asking them not to call does not always work and you ust be F I R M- firm and tell her NO then change the number.
Also, while I can appreciate you wanting your ason to have contact and all, I would seriously not force the child at this point. I would wait it out until he is maybe 10-12 or expresses desire.
It is so tricky with dealing with people with these bipolar issues and mental health issues in general. I had a stalker that was bipolar(among other things)and despite my being nice and asking nicely for her to stop calling, it seemed to intensify her behavior to the point of harrassment. Sometimes there is just no reasoning with them and they have no idea about how much tension they are causing everyone.

EZ

[mommieof2cuties]

My husband cannot change his cell, but we spoke to a friend who works for the FBI. He said we should file charges for her calling and calling after 9pm when it is clearly not an emergency. I am not one to have conflicts with people so this is all new to me. I want my son to be able to see his bio-siblings and mother, but not when she is like this. Her dream is to become me, she has told people this. I wish she would stay on her meds and get the help she needs. I feel bad for all her other children also that have to be on the other end listening to all of this going on. For the record, I trust my husband and like me he likes to avoid conflicts, we used to live in the same town so we didn't want to step on toes, but since moving we have put r foot down much more. The calling and yelling is really the only thing she can do. When her cell is shut off it is so peaceful!

Thanks for the advice,
Summer

[cetalley]

I do not see where you state if firstmom is getting counseling, and if not I think it is time to just tell her, what it is you expect, in writing, and personnally, then explain if these expectations are broken, you will stop contact, until your son is older, and wishes to resume. Tell her she is not acting appropriately in a way that is healthy for your son, and the 3 of you as his examples. Tell her you need her to be on the same page, for your sons sake. If she cannot do this,you will stop contact, until she has proven otherwise..ie. a letter from her therapist. Also have you and hubby included in the adoption, any type of counseling? This really could be helpful if she sees this is the only way to continue in the open adoption plan. Just try to never take all contact away, this would not be proper if you have given your word, and when son is older will see that you broke a promise, therefore could be sahurt by this action. I wish you amny blessings, it sounds like you are really trying, but I do agree that your husband , may just have to get tougher. He most definately needs to let her know, under no uncertain terms is it appropriate for her to call him, and that he will not take that type of disrespect for his wife..no ifs, ands, or buts. This is not about you trusting your husband ...this is about showing respect for his wife...Blessings...C.J. ( A firstmom)>

[zxczxcasdasd]

I don't think it's about not trusting your husband, I think it's about recognizing that by taking her repeated late night calls, he has encouraged and affirmed the behavior. She is responsible for calling, but he is responsible for accepting it and engaging her.

I don't see filing a complaint until you expressly tell her that calls are only allowed to certain numbers (ie, not your husbands cell) and between certain times and then enforce it by not answering anything other than that. Only if she's breaking well-defined, well-enforced boundaries over a period of time, do I think this should rise to filing an official complaint about her.

I'm sure it's exhausting. I hope this all can get sorted out so you can have a peaceful relationship.

[danhanan]

cetally, please know that I mean absolutely no disrespect but sometimes even though it involves breaking a promise, it's the only thing to do. We tried for almost two years to work things out with our DD's 1st mom. I won't go into details, but even members of her family were wondering why we put up with what was happening. As much as we wanted to have a good and healthy relationship with her, our biggest mistake wasn't breaking our promise. It was waiting too long to do so. Although DD was too young to know that legal things that we had to go through, she was old enough to remember the things that K did. She firghtened her terribly and now, even though a few years have passed, DD wants nothing to do with her. It makes me sad for both of them.
I would like to think that our situation is the exception. It's not how we imagined it to be but our first responsibilty is to our DD.

[RavenSong]

Personally, I disagree with your FBI friend about filing charges against your child's birthmother for calling your husband in the middle of the night. Don't you think it might be a little more appropriate to first talk to her, to tell her how her behavior is unsettling and out of line? I don't think the police should have to solve this communication problem unless you've warned her not to call.

If she's calling in the middle of the night, it sounds like she may be off her meds. My son is bipolar, and when he's in a manic phase, he doesn't seem to need any sleep...he'll stay up for days at a time, or at least through the night.

I think it's time for you and your husband to sit down with her and have a pow-wow. If something she's doing is upsetting you, come out and tell her. I'm confused as to why your husband isn't telling her himself that she's not to call him in the middle of the night.

[committedsoul]

Originally Posted by mommieof2cuties

Her dream is to become me, she has told people this. I wish she would stay on her meds and get the help she needs.

The first statement is scary to me...

I would hope that she doesn't know where you live... Wow... Me, personally, I would probably change my number... and I know how hard it is to have to inform people about the number being changed... And I eould cease all contact until the child is older... or at least do only letters and pictures until bmom becomes more stable...

I'm worried for you, friend. You said in a pp that when she calls, she doesn't ask about her child, she asks your husband about YOU...

Just be very vigilant and careful and I agree that your husband needs to toughen up on the boundaries. Unless he has an older phone model, he can block her calls, and even if not, he can giver her a set ringtone and ringtone can be mute... I know, I do it on my Blackberry.

Good luck with this and keep us posted.

-Committed

[cetalley]

DanHanan, I take NO offense, and respect your views also. I, like you, I am being given a glance at a small portion of the issues this OP has been dealing with, by doing this we are left with what we may do in the situation the OP is in. I think we can all agree that this childs safety is the OP'S first concern. I still do not see an answer to whether this firstmom has/is getting counseling. In knowing from her post she state"In knowing she was bi-polar, and THOUGHT she could handle this". If she knew this before she became this angels new parent, then she should have discussed at the time the emom was making an adoption plan, what would and would not be required in this open adoption agreement. She was obligated to make sure emom was getting counseling, and (IMHO), should still be responsible in making sure she is. My stating to "not end all contact with childs firstmom", was meant in the way, that by keeping her word to maintain a form of contact, this child will, appreciate and understand all of the whys of his upbringing, and know that the parents that loved and raised him, kept their word, did all they could to help his fistmom. I also felt the Dad(whom doesn't like conflict), should absolutely tell this Firstmom, that no calls will be excepted ANYtime, that all issues need to be discussed at reasonable times and done so with all 3 of them. To continue to except those calls is NOT helping this young lady whom has a mental disorder, it only keeps the pot stirred, and IS disrespectful to his wife. I have read so so many times where the new parents use any and all excuses to stop contact...(THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM), just so I make that clear. Not only is this firstmom mentally ill, she has to add to her troubles by dealing with the loss of her child, and everyday thinking another Mom is doing what she should be(hence the jealousy). If they still respect the woman whom gave them a beautiful miracle, and knew and excepted she was mentally ill, then they do owe to their child to do all they can. I suggested they pull away, only until she is mentally stable(back on meds.) and has been treating with a therapist, then attempt to bring her back slowly and with ongoing precautions. This agreement was made before she was a firstmom, it was good enough then, I only ask that they COMMUNICATE, and work with her now, and to not END the agreement. Anything worth having is worth the work to keep it. ALWAYS keeping in mind the safety of this child, and what is in the best interest of this child. Blessings to all, and again I mean no disrespect, JMHO! C.J.