[PWRWAGN]

I have posted here in the past - back when my wife and I were going through the process of adopting. I am looking for some thoughts/opinions on our open adoption. I would love to hear from parents who have been in our position or anyone who has been adopted. I know this post is long and similar ones have been discussed - but would greatly appreciate some advice on our situation.

Us = My wife and I have two bio boys 13 & 9 and Sadie who is now almost 26 months. Life is good and I love my daughter very much. I am wrapped around her finger and am enjoying raising this little girl.

Our adoption = We went though a local agency. We were selected by a birth mother and 6 months later we were in the hospital during the delivery. My wife actually cut the cord and Sadie has been our daughter ever since. During the process we agreed to submit photos and updates to the agency every 6 months for Birth Mother.

Birth Mother relationship = Rather than provide updates and photos every 6 months we just communicated over the phone once a week or so. We would email her photos and updates every couple weeks. Not to long after Sadie was born, Birth Mother asked if she could see Sadie - we were nervous about it, but agreed and met. Over the last two years, we have continued this relationship where we email photos, talk to her over the phone and meet with her every couple months or so.

The Birth Mother is a very nice young lady. She will often call just to talk to my wife about things that don't even relate to my daughter. She also had a little girl about 3 years before Sadie. Whenever we get together, Birth Mother will usually have a gift and treats Sadie like a friends child (if that makes sense?). The Birth Mother's little girl who is about 5 now calls Sadie her sister and always tries to play with her...

Question = First, I don't mean to offend anyone with this question. I understand the pain that a Birth Mother goes through making a decision like this and witnessed that pain first hand when we were handed Sadie by this Birth Mother. But I have started to wonder what is best for Sadie as she gets older. Is it healthy for her to have these meetings where she sees her Birth Mother and her biological half sister? I worry that even though we try to explain things to her, she will be confused by these meetings when she gets a little older.

Sadie will always know that she is adopted - I am not trying to hide this from her, I just wonder how this will affect her in another year and beyond. Do you think these meetings are and will continue to be healthy for her?

Opinions for this Dad are appreciated!

BTW - here is my little sweetie
http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a75...n/IMG_7902.jpg
http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a75...IMG_7398-1.jpg

[Fran27]

I think it's great. Honestly, if she ever gets confused, she'll let you know. I'm sure it will be beneficial in the long run for her to grow up knowing them. Hopefully someone with open adoption experience can be more helpful though!

[minibus]

I think that it's great to have such a great relationship with your daughter's birthmother and with her birth sister! Families come in all shapes and sizes. I say ... be proud and celebrate it!

[HappyTwinsMom]

First, congratulations on your beautiful daughter!

I agree with the others in that Sadie will tell you if/when she becomes confused. I do believe, though, that confusion on her part is unlikely since it will always be her reality. It's most likely to just feel "normal" to her, as she hasn't known anything different.

My daughters are 7 1/2 now and are expressing more curiosity about their adoption story. The funny thing is that they are only confused about the "biology" of the whole thing - that they didn't come from Mommy's tummy. They've always accepted that C is their birthmom and that they have sisters & a brother who aren't part of our immediate family. We just explain that they are siblings because they all grew in C's tummy, even though they don't all live with us.

[EZ2Luv]

As an adoptee I probably won't be with the majority, but for me if that were to have happened I think I would have been very confused. Please no flaming me. I was from the closed era and while I understand the concept of OA and see that it does work for some families I cannot say it would have with mine.

I do know that since you all already have this type of relationship in place it might be very hard to all of a sudden change things or cut out visits. I am interested in hearing from other who have OA that work.

I also think OA is a wonderful thing, but sinse it is fairly a new thing there aren't too many adult adoptees able to give their input based on experience. It is great I would think when the kids are too young to really understand but at some point I can see where it would cause confusion. As a PP said, you daughter will let you know if this a problem . However I also think that the Bmom and APs must be on the same page with things as far as who is referred to what. Again, I know for me it would have been very confusing.
I commend you for taking your daughters feelings into account. Many times it is all about the adults but ultimately the chid is the one affected.

EZ

[Leigh131313]

Your situation sounds similar to ours - sorta!

Our son M, is 4 1/2. We've had him since birth and have had ongoing contact with his maternal birthfamily which includes visits. She now has a new baby (m's bio half-sibling).

T is m's birthmom - she never calls herself his mom, she goes by her first name with M. She does not take on any sort of "mothering" role in our visits - she is just there enjoying our company. We don't call her daughter his sister, because in our family that just doesnt work (I also have a birthsibling and this distinction has worked well for us). It is his birthsibling. Future children that we have, are his brothers/sisters. I do think there is a difference - and if he choses when he's older to call T's kids his brothers and sisters, that's fine. But it's not where we're at.

I don't think this is confusing to M at all. At the age he is now, he understands that he grew in T's tummy and she chose us to be his mommy and daddy. Kids will understand what they grow up with. Really, it's no more confusing than explaining to him that his grandparents are also MY mom and dad...and his "old" grandpa is also MY grandpa.....family dynamics are fun!!

If you are not comfortable with something - talk to the birthmom about it. But as far as how this will effect Sadie? I doubt it will have a negative effect. If things ever become a problem - and you'll know if they do, you'll see from Sadie's behaviours - then you may have to ease off a bit on the visits...but until then, just enjoy the friend you have found in her birthmom!

[Daisy1339]

My husband and I had the same hang up and/or fear regarding any confusion. We don't anymore, though.

We now believe that visits will make adoption seem more normal to our child (if and when we are chosen). It sounds like you have a really good relationship and good boundaries, so I wouldn't worry.

She'll always be there to explain the whys and hows, but you will always be mom and dad.

[Quesita]

You know... so many adopted kids never get to know their birthmoms, and I think almost all of them, at some point, ask themselves "did my first mom love me?" "Why did she give me up?" "Is there something wrong with me?" Your daughter will never have to ask herself those questions.

Your love for her, and your role as her parents is clear. Some day, when she comes to understand that this woman who comes to visit is the woman who gave birth to her, she will know that she has love coming from many different directions. Complex? Yeah. But I can't help but think in the long run it will make her feel even more secure.

[lisa in venice]

We are entering our tenth year of open adoption and it is working great. There is zero confusion. I can see where someone raised in a closed adoption would think it very confusing with divided loyalties and stuff but Sam has only known open adoption and that is his normal. He thinks that closed sucks. He has two siblings with closed adoptions.

He did ask a lot of questions when he was really little, just trying to figure out who everyone was but somewhere around age three he got it. He is quite proud of his birth mom and has been known to show her of at school and at church. He feels special and so far he has never had a bad reaction. Some kids are confused but he sets them right pretty quickly. All in all it has been great for all of us and I can't imagine raising this kid any other way. Honestly given his penchant for drama I think raising him in a closed adoption would be a nightmare.

[startedover]

I have a situation almost duplicate of yours. we have two bio children and then a 25 month old little girl who has a 4 year old bio brother . We had no agreement in the beginning as far as open and birth mom had no desire to be in her life. That has all changed now. We seen them at Christmas and once since. We don't plan alot of get togethers but I do text her when something cute happens and heres the thing. She always acts like I am the friend and my daughter is just that, MY DAUGHTER. I understand that some bio moms are different but this happens to be our situation. I was actually looking at some pictures where the kids were together and she was staring at her son with so much love and admiration. I think that pic meant alot to me. I had just assumed when we first opened up the realtionship she would be swooning over my daughter all the time, that is not the case. When they left I told my daughter to tell ms "b" bye. Later when bio mom texted me she and asked if it was uncomfortable and I said "No , just having her call you Ms B seemed a little weird" and she said "why that is who I am." I too wander about whether we are handling this right. I wish there were stats on the subject, but reguardless we will just truck along with prayers and wishes and hope we do it right. No since wandering if we shouldn't have the relationship because then we would be wondering if we should.

[PWRWAGN]

Thanks for all of the comments! They are really helpful to me (us). I think I was forgetting that Sadie would not be confused if that was all she knows. I am only concerned for her and really don't mind continuing an open relationship with Birth Mother if it makes it easier for Sadie to understand. There is a lot of wisdom in your responses!

I especially liked reading the response above from "Startedover". That is exactly what we did too - we started over. As you said, your situation sounds very similar to ours! Our Birth Mother acts the exact same way towards Sadie as the description of yours. She really just enjoys seeing Sadie but does not have that motherly instinct or affection for her. In fact now that I think about it, she says "ask Sadies mommy" when her own daughter wants to do something with or give something to Sadie. Again, we really like Sadie's Birth Mother and will forever be grateful to her for choosing us. I guess things should just be left as they are for now and I should not worry when we have our next get together.

We were meant to have a daughter - just not a biological one, although that word "biological" means so much less to me these days. I once heard an adoptive parent (had an adoptive boy and two other bio kids) say "we have three kids, ones adopted - I forget which one". I have always liked that.

Thanks again for the replies.

[startedover]

pwrwagon
I loved reading how much we have in common. I don't know about you but the first year of my daughters life I wanted to tell everyone we met that we had adopted her. I was so proud of her. I remember when my other two were younger and people would say "what cute kids" I would reply with thank you. Now when someone says it about my dd I say something like "I KNOW" . It just comes out. But i feel like I had nothing to do with her biological makeup that I can just agree and not take the polite road. lol But this year that whold wanting to tell everyone she's adopted has faded. She is simply our daughter.