[jarian]

I'm sure this post should be on another forum totally, but I feel more comfortable with the people here on adoption.com. Do you ever feel like people want you to be who they want you to be and they dismiss your feelings as if they mean nothing? Do you ever feel like you're losing your identity or having to always explain your thoughts and feelings when others don't? Sometimes being a wife, I actually feel like I'm more my husband than myself. When I talk to my mom, etc., she wants me to think the way she thinks. My husband and I are about to foster and decided we want a sibling group of two. I have had a few single women with children tell me I'm crazy for wanting to start out with two children and I don't know how hard it really is raising one child and now I want two. And then one person went as far as telling me that she's not totally happy being a mother and that it may not be for me either. Then she told me men are lazy and I'll be doing it all myself. I have known since I was a child that I wanted children and I don't need anyone telling me that children aren't for me. My mom raised three children by herself and was just fine. I am a quiet and reserved person and my inlaws and hubby are very outgoing. When I come around, my inlaws always try to make me be like one of them. It's so frustrating when people won't let me be myself. I'm a homebody, I love to read, I want as many children as God will allow, I like my job, and I love my home life and husband. I don't like the spotlight and I never want to be the life of the party. I'm not stuck up or uptight, I'm just quiet. People love me, but they seem to think my quiet life is no fun and apparently they think I don't like my quiet life because they don't like their lives simple. Why can't I just be me and people accept that. I allow people to be who they are nothing more. Just a rant...

[loveajax]

Jarian, first of all, you are a gorgeous woman!!! Second of all, you'd be surprised to learn what people "really" think about you. I know that I am a total extrovert (I never shut up!) but I really feel closest to those people in my life that are quiet and thoughtful...and man, I envy them!!!

It sounds like you totally have your act together and that can drive people nuts. People love trying to make "their" circumstances the same as yours. Also, sometimes people get a rise out of making you feel "less" (I remember being told by my MIL that "not everyone" was "meant" to be a mother...um thanks!).

I think your quiet confidence speaks volumes! I wish I could be more like that!!! Hang in there!

[jalapeno]

Jarian it sounds like you know exactly who you are and what you want. I'm sorry others are trying to confuse you and make life difficult. I've always been more of a quiet type and a homebody. And there have always been people in my life who seem to think there is something wrong with that. I feel like I'm more family focussed than a lot of my friends. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. Certainly not everyone is cut out to be a foster parent. But it's unfortunate when those with limitations insist on trying to force their opinions on others.

Best of luck to you!!

[Steph-Jason]

I think it's awful when someone tries to change someone else. We're all wonderful people with unique personalities. I'm sorry that you have people in your life who do not support that.

As far as people telling you things about adoption or fostering- in my experience the ones that make insensitive comments are the ones who know absolutely nothing about the process. You'll do what's best for you & your family & that's what is important.

You sound like a wonderful person. Hopefully soon all of those around you will appreciate that. Best of luck!!

[yehudit]

Hi Jarian,

The way you described yourself sounds a lot like me. Quiet, thoughtful, bookish, but in charge of her life. I've found that when you are quiet, people sometimes transfer their own "stuff" onto you -- they need to see a part of themselves in you so they don't really see you but what they want to see. And since you are generally content and don't make a big deal to tell them otherwise, it sticks.

This used to bother me too, but over the years (and a little therapy) I've come to terms with the fact that people may not like my choices. But usually it's because they don't understand them or the circumstances leading up to them.

Good luck with your adoption,
J

[JGarrick]

Don't you just love the way some people think that if you're not just like them you must be A) wrong, and B) unhappy about it. You could write off the former as being misinformed, or just plain not too bright. It's the concern about your well being and happiness that drives me crazy.

I'm happy with life just the way it is right now. I'd rather pay for Little League and piano lessons than a big screen TV, and if I have to miss the next episode of American Idol to hear an off-key choir sing, I consider it time well spent.

[Gwen72]

I will give you a response to your friends and family who think they know better than you how to create your family. You say, "We have decided that we want a sibling group of two." They say, "blah blah blah blah blah." You say, "That was an announcement. NOT A Discussion!" Don't let people dismiss your thoughts and feelings. You are a grown woman. You are entitled to your feelings and to make your own decisions. Go on girl!

[Amber76]

I certainly hear your rant! My own mom tells me she thinks I'm wasting my education because I choose to stay at home with my son. She tells me I need more adult interaction. I'm perfectly happy where I am.

If you want two children at one time, you go for it! You know yourself and what you can and can't handle more than anyone else in the world.

I hope you have your children very soon!

[jarian]

I am certainly beginning to feel better. Thanks for the support! It helps to not feel alone in this world. Sometimes I wonder "Am I crazy?" for not feeling like everyone else. And then the sad part is, these same people confide things in me and I realize that I seem happier than they are, but I would never say that. The world would be better when people decide to quit imposing their opinions on others as if they are facts. Thanks to everyone!

[Stormster]

Jarian, motherhood made me much less interested in what others thought. All I care about now is my son and husband and our health and happiness.

I really came into my own after motherhood. It makes you a warrior!

[minibus]

Jarian - As an introvert with extraverted in-laws who think that everyone should be like them, I hear you!!! We are waiting to finalize our adoption on OUR sibling group of two. I think that we just have to be confident in who we are and know that that's ok, even if others think that we are "missing out". Easier said than done (for me at least) a lot of time, but when I take time to reflect, I cherish my friends and family who love and accept me for me. The others, who don't, can just ...

[SHD]

I have to agree with the others Jarian, stick to your guns and be yourself. If God is leading you in a direction then that is the path you should follow. You know your husband better than anyone, if the two of you are on board with this plan then go for it. I love the fact that you are a bookworm. That shows you are content and have a great imagination, letting books take you to another place. How relaxing. This will translate to your child/children one day.

Keep your chin up and follow your heart, which is God leading you in the direction He feels is right for you.

[GuatMommy2Be]

Easier said then done, but I wouldn't put much thought into those comments because the people spewing them certainly did not take a second to think about what they were saying. Not only that, but they certainly did not take your feelings into consideration.

I only have one child so I can't comment on two, but raising my daughter (who came to me as a toddler) has been wonderful. Sure, there are days where it can be hard- but everyone has hard days and it doesn't mean they last forever.

As for men being lazy... I don't know your husband personally, but mine (and I'm sure your DH is the same) knows that we are in this together, and I don't want to say he helps me - because I don't feel that is the right way to word it, but he takes on the responsibility (as he should) when he's home.

I wish you the best.

Oh & by the way, that is kinda - wow on the mother not being happy about being a mother. Yikes! Hope her child doesn't find that out.

[DannieAS]

whether one is introverted or extroverted...it still does not give any person the right to put down other's lives or to make quick comments on others...

I think I'm the opposite, my mother is an introvert and I'm an extrovert...mom wishes I was like her because introverts are "better" people. I think we are all made differently and that is great because we are all needed with our talents/personality/quirks to fill a role.

I value and am glad to have introverts for friends because they balance me out...and in turn my introvert friends like to have me around to keep things interesting...and even though I'm an extrovert....I love to read...picked that up from my mom the introvert...so Jarian, YOU have a lot to offer a child OR a sibling set of TWO!

[journeytolily]

Jarian, try not to let people's words affect you. I honestly think that most of the time, people just love to talk, and give opinions, without even thinking about what they are saying.

Unfortunately, many people are so stuck in their own small world, they can't even appreciate that we are all individuals, with our own personalities and desires and abilities and experiences. One person doesn't like being a mom, so of course you probably won't like it either. One person's experience has been lazy men, so of course your man will be lazy too.

It's frustrating, but just try to let it all go in one ear and out the other.