[Foundoutat50]

Question for aparents of grown akids:

Now that your dd or ds is all grown up, do they have your way of thinking, your problem-solving, your outlook or have you found that nature was stronger than nurture?

Not even knowing about my adoption until I was 50 I'm surprised to learn that I am waaay more like my birthmother than my parents who raised me. I always knew I was different from them and I never met my birthmother but people who knew her and have now met me have convinced me that I am very much like her in personality, relationships, clothing - pretty much in every way there is.

Even though my dd did not meet her bmother until she (dd) was in her 20's, there are similarities that go much deeper than just appearance.

What do you think? Nature or nurture?

[zxczxcasdasd]

It goes both ways. We used to get all the time that we looked like brother and sister or that he "got" my eyes, but in reality it was ways in which, coincidentally, he inherited features that happen to resemble mine. Hubby's are small and blue, M's are big and green, J got big and blue which is what I have. Hubby is blonde and and M has black hair and J ended up with medium brown, which is the same color as mine. M has said that he looks exactly like her dad, but we have never met him, nor ever seen a picture of him so it's hard to say.

He definitely has M's super-slender physique, which is...ummm, not the same as me. He has M's olive skin.

What's really weird is that M's second husband looks eerily like hubby (J's dad, M's first husband) and our younger son, with the exception of hair color, really closely resembles their son.

As for way of thinking and personality, J is way more like me than he is like his dad to whom he's biologically related. He doesn't seem anything like M is now, but is somewhat like hubby remembers M being before the PS really took over and the effects of that, plus the medication for it, altered her so much. J is, in personality, very much like his half sister through M, who is 2 years younger. That personality is much the same as mine, but it's probably more coincidence considering that half sis is so much the same as well.

Actually, here's what I think in a nutshell.

Kids are born with certain inalterable qualities, which I think are: physical features, personality, inclinations, talents, natural strengths and weaknesses and probably more that I'm not thinking of at the moment.

If, as a parent, you seek to change things with which they have been born to be more like you, you will only drive yourself and your child crazy. He came to me as a whole person already.

The things which I had influence over were: his character, his values, his exposure to the world and certain experiences, his education, his habits and his home environment. In these particular ways, I think he does resemble me, which makes sense since those are things which I could direct.

All the other ways he resembles me are sure fun and it makes me happy that we have these commonalities, but I know, and he knows, that it was coincidence.

He has wondered aloud before how he ended up so much like me and we've joked that maybe I have airborne genes but we know it was mostly coincidence.

[lisa in venice]

Our aren't quite grown up yet but at 17 and 19 I am definitely seeing more nature in their personalities and how they approach life. We have worked very hard to give them increased opportunities but we are realizing that what they choose to do with those is really up to them.

[Linny]

We have a 28yr old and a 27 year old. (We also have little ones still at home and hoping...just hoping SO hard to have another baby????!!! )

Anyway...good question. In our home, the saying is: "Some genetic qualities are transferred through the air!"

And for us, most of that is true. Certaily some quirks each has are NOT the way dh and I 'think' and 'are'.......BUT...I can tell you that my daughter has MANY characteristics where she acts a LOT like me. (And, not only were our two grown kids adopted as infants, they're also Asian.) And, one of the biggest surprises we got, was that my daughter SOUNDS just like me. I sound a LOT like my sister and mom....SO much that all of us could 'fool' a lot of people over the phone!!!!! Sooo, something about that transference of voice sound made some sort of impresion, because it's unmistakeable.

Do I think Nature plays a roll, somewhat, but I continue to believe that Nuture plays a bigger one.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Leigh131313]

I see things much like ZXCyadayada(seriously, did you pick that name just to drive me insane??? lol)

I see my sons birthmom all OVER my sons features - yet everyone says he looks like me. His birthmom and I do not look alike!! However, M has a big round head from his birthmom (I also have a bowling ball head), he has big eyes (as do I) and his hair is not identical to mine, but it is easy to draw a line between us. But we do have the same personality - which is interesting cuz my son has our strongwilled and stubborn personality so he gets it both from nature andnurture!! Poor kid (Actually, poor me!!)

Sometimes I think emoms/edads are looking for people like themselves. Not to be mirror images - but just that common kindred feeling...... I just see so many similarities between adopted children and their parents that goes beyond what we can control through nurture. It's really interesting!!

I have been lucky in that we have an open relationship with not only his birthmom but also his birthaunts/uncle and his birthcousins. I can see SO many similarities between M and his birthcousins (they are 2 and 3 years older than him). It's really cute!! Now that he has a birthsibling, it's really fun to see the similarities AND the differences (the dad is not m's birthfather).