[isitnaptime]

So my question is, what do you wish you had known when you started your domestic adoption?

Tell me about the hard parts, and the good parts.

Background:
We have been in the Ethiopian program for about 8 months, and are starting to think (for many reasons too long to get into) of switching to Domestic, specifically an AA infant.

I feel excited, but lost. We researched everything there was to know about international, and now we are into another unknown.


I talked to an agency that said she thought with our family specifics (middle class, SAHM, 2 bio kids)their agency would likely have a match for us within 2-6 months? Does this sound realistic, they said they don't have enough families for their AA emoms to pick from? Is that the norm? Their fees seem normal, not low, not high.

We are open to AA, HIV mother, maybe a little drugs, minimal alchohol, semi-open...

Help me BTDT people!

[Cjmeck]

We switched from international to domestic; mostly because I just had this non-stop GUT feeling that I needed to. We were stuck between Korea or Ethiopia too. And I think once I started picturing my child as black, I just knew it made more sense (for us) to adopt a nonwhite child from the US.
The actual process for us, was too easy. I'm sure we were just very lucky to have such a smooth road to our daughter. But I guess if I could tell you one thing, make sure you LOVE your agency. You need to trust them with one of the biggest decisions of your life. And depending on your state, you'll need to keep seeing them for postplacement visits after you adopt for a period of time. It was a huge blessing for us to work with such amazing, ethical people. Surround yourself with good people; they are out there.
And next, I'd like you telll you how your life with be forever changed when you hold that little baby with brown toes For me, I just suddenly woke up and saw a different world around me (good and bad). And I'm forever grateful for the life lessons my daughter has taught our entire family.
Oh, and about wait times. My timeline is in my signature and my daughter is AA/CC just fyi. We have one bio son who was 5.5yo when we adopted her.
Goodluck!

ETA: Since you are open to race, there are many agencies that will waive their "sign on" fees. We signed with 3 different agencies (they all knew and it was no big deal), and I believe we gave each agency no more than $150 to get on their list. Oh, and have you read The Complete Adoption Book? An agency gave it to us, it helped to clear up some myths/fears I had about domestic. Plus, it was a very step by step book--good for the methodical person I am

[journeytolily]

After having adopted twice internationally, and having one failed Vietnam adoption, we tried domestic. In less than 3 months of being "ready" (HS updated and profile completed), we had our beautiful baby girl in our arms!

It was easy and fast, compared to IA, at least in our experience. We were open to AA or biracial, but we did specify a girl (our baby in Vietnam had been a girl, so we were prepared in our hearts for a girl). We were open to some risk factors.

We initially had decided to sign with one agency, but there was little outlay of money. So after waiting for about 6 weeks, we decided to branch out to other agencies who would also let us wait with them for little or no money upfront. Shortly after that, we found out about an agency that needed families to present to a bmom, expecting a girl any day. We applied and were chosen. That was in late October, and I can't tell you how wonderful our baby girl is! Our agency was very helpful, and ethical, and that's so important.

If we decide to add one more child to our family down the road, we will definitely go the same path. Oh, and it was WAY more affordable for us than our international adoptions had been!

[isitnaptime]

Thank you guys so much. When we started our Ethiopian program for some reason I was under the impression that their were plenty of families waiting for AA babies here.

I do have a recommendation from a friend for an agency (and 3 of her friends used them), and I really have liked the people I have talked to.

What is the best way to find out how ethical they are. They don't take any fees until you are matched, then the rest of the fees are due at placement. You share birthmother expenses from match until birth,so if she decides to parent you are out what they have used for her expenses. Does that sound legit?

Thanks for the book recommendation, I think I skipped over most of the domestic parts in my books since I didn't think that is what we were doing! ahh, back to reading...

Congrats on both of your new babies! I am so excited to see those beautiful brown toes.

[journeytolily]

The fee policy of the agency sounds reasonable. You will almost always end up losing bmom expenses if a match fails, no matter what agency you use. Just one of the risks you have to be willing to take. Does the agency let you put a cap on expenses? This could keep you from being shown to as many potential bmoms, but if you have a low budget, it will also keep you from possibly losing as much money IF the match fails.

You might want to ask how much the range is for bmom expenses, then cap towards the lower end. Again, only if money is an issue for you.

[jpeel99]

We have adopted internationally and domestically. They are very different. Seeing the BMom up close and personal was very emotional. We had a roller coaster ride during the process. Having the baby just a few days old upon arrival home is nice with domestic. I really wanted to adopt again internationally, but it seems nearly impossible these days.

[sadie427]

I'm not sure why you're switching, but I would be a bit wary of switching just because you feel you've been waiting a long time--there are definitely people w/ short waits for an AA/Biracial infant, but it's very unpredictable. 2-6 months seems pretty short, although again it's variable and there are definitely people with short waits on this board. My general impression is that people with one or more children at home and those who are a bit older will wait longer. We have been waiting about 5 months with our agency and our friends who are a biracial family have been waiting about 7 or 8 months--then again, we aren't open to independent adoption, online networking or multiple agencies at that time, that would probably shorten your wait.

[journeytolily]

Sadie427,
I agree that it can be really unpredictible, but it seems like if you are open to waiting with 2 or 3 agencies, it's normally pretty fast. Of course, someone may want to just be with one agency, and that's fine too! I don't know how much longer the original poster's wait would be with Ethiopia, but maybe that's not the only reason she is thinking of switching.

I must say that people with children and who are older, DO get chosen - I am 47, DH just turned 44, and we already had two children at the time our bmom chose us. Our two kids were both adopted, and are of other races, so that might have actually been a plus for us. She did say that she really liked our multi-racial family!

[sadie427]

JTL, I pm'ed you!

[beav]

This is what happened to us. We had done all the paperwork and 2 years of research on international adoption. We were waiting for a referral from Guatemala when our social worker asked if we wanted to also consider domestic.
We had never considered domestic because we alreaady had 4 children and figured we may not even be chosen or it would be a very long wait. Boy were we wrong!
We were chosen 1 week after turning in our profile!
I do wish we had known more about domestic but it all worked out in the end and it has been a perfect match for us!
Things to prepare yourself for....do you want open/closed or somewhere in between
Do you want to meet birthparents
Are you willing to send pics and updates if it is closed or semi closed until the child is 18
Your baby may be named by birthmom at the hospital and you may possibly need to negotiate a name change if you desire
You will need to do updates and post placement visits until finalization
Finalization takes between 6-9 months (atleast in our state)
**Just some of the things we didnt know
Good Luck