[jpeel99]

Those of you with open adoptions.....how does your extended family feel about this? Mine basically do not understand why there should be any ongoing relationship. How do yours feel and how do you handle this?

thanks
J

[adoptionauthor]

We were the first to adopt a child...ever...on either side of you family.

I would suggest that you make up a newsletter/letter/flyer and send it out to the family. We included a little bit about how things were going with our jobs etc. but the bulk of the letter was to let everyone know that we were adopting. We included some basic info (proper vocab) as well as a section about adoption myths (I'm sure you've heard them all already), and a bit about how the process would work for us with our agency.

Keep your letter positive, easy to understand and read, brief, and make sure that they see that you are EXCITED and CONFIDENT about adopting and they will be too. I wrote a note on our letters asking anyone to call or email if they had any questions at all...never a peep and we've had nothing but support.

Good luck!

[lovemy2boys]

My family is kind of all over the board...

My in laws don't really approve even though we've tried to educate them about it...They used to make little comments here and there, and we basically said "Be supportive or mind your business" - now we don't talk about it.

My mom is supportive from a distance. She is always the first one to say "Have a great visit! Call and let me know how it went"! But she doesn't "totally" involve herself in it because she doesn't really "get" it (I have a couple of cousins who are adopted, and because they aren't interested in finding their firstfamily, my mom thinks this is the norm)...

Although interestingly enough, JD's firstfamily would really like to meet my parents, so my mom's nervously excited about the "two families" BBQ we are planning in the summer.

Sometimes I wonder if my Dad even knows the kids are adopted...Maybe I should break it to him before the BBQ.

Extended family and friends are mostly just curious...so we answer any questions they may have, and let it go at that.

But seriously - aside from my inlaws, our family and friends may not "get" it, but they "get" that we are doing it for the kids...and for that reason alone, they are supportive.

Everyone knows that as long as they are respectful, we are open to questions and helping them understand the "whys" of it all...If they can't be respectful, well then, keep it to themselves.

[portlowski]

My father and step mom do NOT GET IT. It is very annoying. They won't come to events where our son's birthparents will be there. My stepmom keeps saying things like, "don't you wish you didn't have to deal with all this?" And when I say nol I don't mind, I am doing it for my son, I like our relationship etc. she will repeat, "but wouldn't it be better if they just dropped out fo the picture.?" Sigh. Now I just don't involve my parents (my mom is deceased, so dad and step mom) in it at all. I didn't even invite them to ds's birthday party because his birthfamily was there. Hard, but not worth the stress for me. My husband's family is totally cool with it, as is the rest of my family. My aunt and ds's birthgrandma get along great!

[binkybear]

Originally Posted by adoptionauthor

We were the first to adopt a child...ever...on either side of you family.

I would suggest that you make up a newsletter/letter/flyer and send it out to the family. We included a little bit about how things were going with our jobs etc. but the bulk of the letter was to let everyone know that we were adopting. We included some basic info (proper vocab) as well as a section about adoption myths (I'm sure you've heard them all already), and a bit about how the process would work for us with our agency.

Keep your letter positive, easy to understand and read, brief, and make sure that they see that you are EXCITED and CONFIDENT about adopting and they will be too. I wrote a note on our letters asking anyone to call or email if they had any questions at all...never a peep and we've had nothing but support.

Good luck!

We're only in process now, not yet adopted but we did this too! My hub has 2 cousins who were adopted internationally over 20 years ago, but that's it for both of our families. Immediate and extended family were all great from the getgo, but we wanted them all to be on the same page given that they didn't have all the mental prep time that we did about adoption. So we did a really positive, exicited and incredibly confident email filling them in on what we were doing, the genereal process and timeline, lingo, and what our overall hopes were for the adoption in openness and why. No one's been negative, mostly they're excited and just asking for updates. Knowing our families they'll be more likely to question why open (for genuine wanting to know) than to comment negatively or disagree with us. It's understandable, I mean they've never really been introduced to this all and I think I'd wonder if noone asked a single question...that would be odd for our bunch! But if anyone was to openly disagree we'll just handle it like anything else they weren't too keen about and know they'll move on I think the newletter/email/family discussion can really set the tone from the getgo and make things a lot easier overall if people know they can talk respectfully and ask questions.

[HappyTwinsMom]

Our families don't really "get" it, but they are supportive of our decision to do it the way we choose. FIL has a tendency to have some really dumb questions about adoption in general, but we just told him not to ask them in front of the children and we put up with him. You can't teach an old dog new tricks and all that...LOL!

[blessedbybug]

Most everyone are supportive now. But then, they birth families of our kids aren't overly involved in our lives. Both sets of grandparents had quite a few reservations about an open relationship with our kids' other families but alot of it, after conversation (I kept bringing it up gently in talking about our interaction with birth family) I found out ALOT, I should say, almost ALL of it was based on misconceptions they had formed based on "this story" or "that friend" that went through it. For one family member, it was really hard because she had placed a child and always thought she did what she had to do by accepting a closed relationship (she knows NOTHING and her daughter is turning 27) and it's brought up alot of hard things for her. They were concerned because our kids' other families have lived very different lives and they didn't want that to affect us. They were concerned that we would get hurt through it all and we have but we're still committed. We always speak gently and positively about what is going on. And we have told those who struggle with it, gently told them, that this is our choice so this is the way it is.

It was the same way when we decided to adopt. They were mostly just anxious for us based on what they knew of adoption, which was very limited and anecdotal. We plugged through and they have willingly and lovingly accepted our children as their family.

HTH...

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by portlowski

she will repeat, "but wouldn't it be better if they just dropped out fo the picture.?"

My SIL said the same thing to me. I said "better for who - you?" She pretty much ignored me after that.

[aclee]

My mother tries to make comments about our open adoption and tries to tell me that if I "let them go" it will be easier for her, and I should give her space. I told her that M and R were more than able to choose a closed adoption if that was what they wanted. I said that open adoption wasn't really about me, or her...it was about Tyler. M was strong enough to make an adoption plan, she is certainly strong enough to close it if it's too much for her.

So that's what I tell them

[mommamarci]

Do you have ongoing visit type contact? Our families were VERY uncertain about open adoption. Then my one and only visit that I have had with Cameron's bmom, my mom was there for. (Dh had to leave and go back to work and mom did not want me to be alone in a different state with a baby, so she came to stay with me.) That made all the difference. My mom thinks E is the best and sweetest person. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard her defend E and the openess since then. (We still have an open adoption, but have not had any more visits per E's wishes.)

Maybe if some of your immediate family members met her, their opinions would change. My mom could see how much E loved Cameron and how hard it was. She knew that E would never do anything to hurt or cause pain for Cameron. It was unintentional, but that is how we made open adoptions a great idea in our family!

[tomandcate]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

My SIL said the same thing to me. I said "better for who - you?" She pretty much ignored me after that.

Ohhh, that's beautiful. Love it.

[nee18]

My husband's family has had some issues with it. My mom met our son's bmom, so my side of the family is much more "on board" with things. I still get the impression from both sides, to an extent, that they would rather not talk about it. And, when they do (especially my in-laws), they tend to ask awkward and inappropriate questions. Like, one time, my MIL asked me if his bmom was taking birth control now! (as if that's anyone's business but his bmom's). I feel that many of our extended family is threatened by it, but I hope it gets better as time goes on. Just the other day, my son's great-grandma asked me if we had heard anything from "his birthmother." I was so happy to hear this question. I answered with not too much detail just because we're still deciding how much we want to share at this point until our son is old enough to understand things himself, but she wasn't trying to "snoop" and she used adoption friendly language. So, I have hope! But, I know it won't be easy, which is probably obvious by my other post about what to do with pics of our son's bfamily around our extended family.

[redbonec]

Most are polite when I talk about our open adoption if it comes up. I thought my mom and dad would be really leery, because they are just very anxious and suspicious of everything, not just adoption. But, they came to the hospital the day we were bringing K home (I asked K's birthmother if this was okay) and they were thrilled to meet her. My parents think very highly of her. My mom has been excited each time K and I have gotten to visit with her.

Other family who has not met her, if I say something about her birthmother (for example, when she came to visit a couple months ago, brought K a sandbox and a basketball hoop, family visits and asks when she got thatm and I tell them), they smile with a frozen smile and not sure what to say next, and then usually say, "Soooo...how is that going?"

I used to try to "educate" and was all excited about talking about open adoption, because ours has been great, but people still don't get it. I don't know why. Sometimes I will say something I learned here on the forum that I think is so true--"How can a baby be loved by too many people?" "This way K does not have to wonder who her birthmother is." "K can ask any questions to her birthmother, who can answer her directly and honestly."

[loveajax]

Redbone, OMG, that "frozen look" and "sooooooooo...how is that going." Totally, totally.

My MIL who is actually a cool a mom herself and I think sort of "ahead of her time" in terms of being open about adoption, supporting her kids in reunion, etc. said something that really stung when we were talking about OA. She said: "i don't think I could have done that." I'm like "done what?" And then I got super defensive. Not good to do with a controlling, 75 yo MIL!

My mom surprisingly has been pretty cool. She always says how much she prays for DD's birth mom.

No one in my family has met DD's birth family (we only have yearly visits for now).

[Steph-Jason]

Gosh- we've been so blessed in this department. Ours is considered a semi open adoption. DD's bmom lives in a different state. Our agency "requires" that we send a letter & pic yearly to update. While we were in the hospital when DD we decided to have communication outside of the agency - so we email pics & updates regularly. It's been a great experience for us- I really felt like I had such a strong bond between DD's bmom while we were in the hospital. When we first brought DD home we had lots of questions - but nothing that wasn't supportive - just very curious & interested. I had told everyone of the time we spent with her in the hospital & everyone just seemed to think it was a very cool bond. This is the first adoption in either of our families so there wasn't alot of knowledge about it. I've had some insensitive questions from coworkers or strangers but thankfully our family is very supportive. The first time we told everyone we were adopting was last Easter & it was really great.. we had a couple of years of trying to conceive so everyone was just so excited that we'd be parents.