[Rubi]

I don't have any experience with bio kids, so I wouldn't know.....But would you say that you get the feeling that adopted children(adopted at birth), might have a bigger fear for rejection and higher seperation anxiety? Or do you think it is my fear of them feeling rejected that makes me think this? I've never read anything regarding the whole primal fear theory...I do think that adopted children might have had a rejection experience in the womb? But children who has not been adopted might also have had this experience....And even bio-kids do feel rejected by their bio-parents sometime?

[Fran27]

IMO adoption has nothing to do with it. I know of the 'primal wound' theory, but I think if it was the case adopted babies would be more fussy than bio babies, and as far as I know, it's not the case. Personally I think that the change of environment is probably more traumatizing than anything else, and I'm not sure how much they can hear about voices etc in the womb with all the noise in there.

I'm sure it's possible that the fear grows when they get older though, but it's our role to show them that we love them and we're not going anywhere... And honestly I've met a ton of bio kids that felt rejected by their parents also, so I think it has more to do with parenting than anything else.

[Cjmeck]

Just speaking from my own experience... I have 1 bio child and 1 adopted child. My bio son had big issues with separation anxiety (and still does a bit at 6.5yo). By contrast, my (adopted) daughter who is still young, 1 year old, but has shown very little issues with separation anxiety. In my opinion, most kids go through it at some point eventually. But the duration and intensity has A LOT to do with the child personality and temperment; and possibly some degree to parenting practices/handling of the anxiety.

[Leigh131313]

Hogwash in my opinion

Every kid/baby is different

[Happy123]

My son, adopted at birth, has "normal" seperation anxiety. My bio daughter had the worst case of seperation anxiety ever...still loves to be around me and she is twelve. My daughter is much more high strung than my son...I think that has more to play into it than anything.
Happy123

[minibus]

I'm not a believer in the "primal wound" theory. I think all kids are different and react different to different stimuli/events.

[binkybear]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

Hogwash in my opinion

Every kid/baby is different

Ditto.

Imo, and this is just my opinion I feel there needs to be "rejection" in order to feel rejected. And if that's the case, a case of true "rejection", (and it happens in this life) then address that true case according to it's own individual circumstances.

Speaking to an adoption from birth....
Will questions arise..yes. Will questions and concerns arise...yes. Could there be deep questions that make you as a parent say, wow I wonder about that, it sounds like __________ (something I've read, heard about, or seen)....yes, but that's where you talk rather than guess, project, and start labeling. Personally I think labeling is one of the worst things parents and people can do to a kid. Inevitably the kid assumes the role of the label or the theory behind the label and parents fall victim to the ease of the "experts" answer rather than just knowing their own kid. Again, just my take on it

[elledarcy]

My DD whom we adopted at birth is 10 months and has never shown any signs of separation anxiety. I actually though the opposite thing you did - "maybe because she's adopted and has always been 'separated' from her birthfamily, and this means she doesn't have a strong attachment to us."

I think it is individual personalities. She is very friendly and open with people and we are always around her when she meets new people so she probably does not feel anxious. If your child is more nervous or needs more attention, then they might be clingier.

[loveajax]

I was going to say the same thing as Elle...I have seen people say that when adopted kids don't have separation anxiety, it is due to the adoption. And if they do have separation anxiety, it is due to the adoption.

I think the reality is that kids are individuals with different personalities. My DD never really has had separation anxiety issues...(I used to call her "community baby!"). That doesn't mean that she doesn't "look" to DH and I first to comfort her, etc. (in fact, she looks to us every night when she crawls into bed with us at 3 a.m....arrgh!). I am married to an adoptee and while he can't speak for all adoptees, he thinks that people can really get "worked up" about trying to relate everything back to an adoption issue, when it just isn't "there." I am not saying not to be sensitive to issues that ARE there due to adoption, but just to realize that many things are not adoption-related (imo). GOOD LUCK!!

[HappyTwinsMom]

Our twins were adopted at birth. One of them showed stronger signs of separation anxiety as a baby than the other.

I do NOT buy into the "primal wound" theory. I've known far to many perfectly well-adjusted adopted people to believe it. And my own kids are great example as well; 99% of the time, they couldn't care less about having been adopted or about their birth family. I definitely believe that DH & I as adoptive parents have placed more emphasis on their adoption than it warranted - or they cared about.

[SoniaRose]

I am a 55 year old adoptee, and I just stumbled upon your question. If you really want to know the answer to your question, start reading some of the posts in the adult adoptee forums.

I was adopted at the age of 9 months, and my aparents told me that I was an unhappy withdrawn baby. I recently found out that my bmom visited with me several times while I was in foster care -- I really believe I bonded with her during those visits. In my mind, there is a undying psychic bond between mother and child. I also believe the bonding starts in the womb.

Just so you know, I had a good childhood and great aparents. I know that my bmom did the best thing for me by relinquishing me. But it never stopped the feeling within me that I was someone else.

There have been a lot of studies that conclude that adoptees tend to have a fear of rejection or abandonment. I can see that in my own life.

However, to end on a brighter note, I should say that I have had a very successful life with a long marriage and a good relationship with my aparents. I may have my insecurities, but overall I'm pretty "normal". Most adopted kids grow up just fine.

There is a lot of literature out there about the psychology of the adopted child, so just be aware that there can be issues. I'm sure you love your child and you'll be a great mom ! Best of wishes !

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

Hogwash in my opinion

Every kid/baby is different

I couldn't agree more!

[SoniaRose]

Personally I find the sentiment of "hogwash" to be insulting to the feelings of the adopted child. Babies are not mindless lumps; science has shown that they are very much aware of their surroundings. As an adult adoptee, I think the effects of the "Primal Wound" are exaggerated, but I believe there is some truth to it.

There are several studies of how the fetus is affected by its environment in the womb. One biologist concluded that a pregnant woman's emotions and perceptions directly affect the fetus on a cellular level. Another study showed that when the mother is upset, chemical reactions occur in her brain that affect the developing baby's brain.

There is no doubt that the adopted child feels some separation from his/her bmother -- obviously the love of the adoptive parents can help overcome the separation anxiety, but one part of the child will always be missing.

If you want to know more, go read in the Adult Adoptee or Search & Reunion forums -- why are so many adoptees looking for what has always been missing in their lives?

[Leigh131313]

I stand by my statement as it is my opinion. You can disagree all you want.

[lisa in venice]

I can't compare because all of ours were adopted so I don't have a bio-kid to compare to. I do know that the one kid with the most traumatic separation issues had them as a direct result of her placement experiences. She was moved three times in 12 weeks and for months she would not go to anyone that was not dh or I and would not make eye contact with any stranger for a couple of years. At 17 we are still dealing with very deep abandonment issues. The other kids have had sadness and stuff about their placements (well not the one in the fully open placement) but it has not manifested in separation anxiety like it did with dd. I think that there is sadness and loss involved in placement but each child processes it differently. I do believe in the "Primal Wound" theory but I don't think it is the be all and end all to a child's adoption experience. We all have issues to deal with and for our kids this is just one that they will have to navigate.