[Leigh131313]

Dear Adoption

I know that you and I have had our ups and downs. You've taken me to both the highest highs and the lowest lows of my entire life. There are days I embrace you, love you and are so glad that you are a part of my everyday life - and there are days I want to rid you from my existence for ever.

Today I am really angry at you. I am mad adoption - really mad. I am mad about the choices you have made for my family. I did not plan for my son to be an only child this long and I resent dealing with these "center of the universe" issues we've been dealing with. This is YOUR fault adoption - YOURS.

I am a good mom. I have put my son in activities, programs and scheduled NUMEROUS playdates to try to teach him kindness and compassion. How many other parents invite the entire hockey team over for a pizza day? Yet here I am STILL strugging with a child who is strongwilled, controlling and lacks the empathy that I have been trying all of these years to instill in him.

Do you know what it's like to be told by the preschool teachers "well, this is what happens alot with only children" when they discuss how he is hurting other kids feelings by excluding them or bossing them around? When all you've wanted for the past 2 years is to make him NOT an only child?

This is YOUR fault adoption. You are making bad decisions on my behalf and you better get your act together soon or you and I will no longer be friends.


Sincerely
Fed Up

[lovemy2boys]

Aww...Leigh. I'm so sorry to hear you're having a hard time...No words of wisdom. Just and wanting you to know that you're not alone.

[Fran27]

I'm so sorry Leigh... I still can't believe you haven't been matched, I really hope it's coming for you soon...

[4everwaiting]

Leigh- I understand!!!



Sandra

[crystalp]

I'm so sorry. Isn't waiting horrible?

[Stormster]

Do you really think that stuff is down to him being an only?

Yikes....

[finallyamom0310]

I hope it isn't down to being an only. Things are looking more like DD will be an only (her brother is 16 and will be gone most of her growing up years)

[Cjmeck]

I can soooo sympathize! I was extremely mad (at infertility in my case) as my son was an only child for 5.75 years. And yes, I had those conversations with preschool teachers, and family members. But I REFUSED to believe that being an only child is a bad thing! I REFUSED to believe that not having siblings would some how scar my child forever. I REFUSED to believe that being an only child made my son make bad choices or act up. Your son is a good kid too and don't let others sterotype him! I've met plenty of only children who weren't bossy; my son wasn't one of them but they exist. I am convinced my son's inborn temperment was to blame, not a lack of siblings. Its hard when you feel guilty like you caused this. You didn't. Its not your fault, okay?? I hate so much when people sterotype only child. Drives me insane. If that teacher even thinks those thoughts again; you call me! I'll take care of her. Because actually, research shows that only child pretty much display the same personality characteristics of first born kids. So, there you go! Feel better!

[aclee]

I can't wait to hear what the teachers will blame it on with Tyler...cause I don't think he'll be an only. Maybe they will blame it on him being the oldest.

Tell them that if being an only means you raise a LEADER and not a FOLLOWER...all kids should be "onlyies"

I don't know how you spell that cause it's not a word...so i made up that spelling.

As far as adoption...I hear you. We matched quickly with Ty and I'm afraid to do another domestic because what are the chances that will happen twice? Building our families in this manner is not easy. Having so little control over our new additions...

[nikkianni]

Originally Posted by aclee

As far as adoption...I hear you. We matched quickly with Ty and I'm afraid to do another domestic because what are the chances that will happen twice? Building our families in this manner is not easy. Having so little control over our new additions...

Amen! Our not even seven month wait seems like nothing now and during it I was a controlling, self-recriminating wreck. What if we pinch every penny, sell off all our worldly goods, etc. and are able to start another adoption just to wait for years? It's terrifying.
Leigh, you're a stronger person than I am. That's all there is to it. I'm sorry things are so bleak right now and I wish I had a crystal ball so I could tell you when it would get better.

[BlessedbySnuggs]

Just wanted to say sorry....UGH, the lack of control in adoption can be very frustrating at times...to say the least! I hope your next baby finds you really soon!

I do understand the frustration with the lack of control. I so want another baby, but due to the ridiculous costs involved in adoption, we will have to wait another year or two to even think of adding to our family (its the large fees due upfront that are just horrific).

I'm sorry things are rough right now! Hugs!

[SupaModel]

Looks very likely DS will be an only child too. I wonder what i'll get blamed for.

[mommy3]

Leigh, The lack of control in adoption was my nemesis for sure -- but it did teach me to believe on faith, something I've never EVER thought I could do. Now, I did have to keep myself steeled every minute, every hour and fell of that wagon all the time -- the lack of control, the way possibilities would fly into my heart and then fall away when someone else just chose for them to leave, the continued losses. Still, I tried to stay focused (and it was always very painful) that this was the only choice I had. Yep, I had your days (and sometimes weeks) when I was mad first at fertility/infertility and then at the adoption dramas. Not being able to predict when/if things would finally happen for us was crazy. I could make up my cute phrase like, "I'm either a mouse or an elephant; our baby will come in 22 days or 22 months", but that was only one coping mechanism in a place in my life where my will power could only do SO much. Now that we've adopted twice and have 3 amazing children, much of that falls away until I read a note like yours and it all comes back so clearly. It hurts so much to be ready and not match, not have your baby in your arms. Don't lose your hope; don't let the questions go too deep. Wishing you the right situation soon, as feeble as that wish can sound. Still, it's all we've got to go on. . . take care of yourself and your sweet child -- susan

[blessedbybug]

(((((((((((((((((Leigh)))))))))))))))))... I am sorry this is taking so long for your family. I truly don't understand any of it. I wish I knew what to say...

[mumofone]

Hugs to you, Leigh. I can certainly understand your frustration. I've been there. We waited close to 5 years for our second babe to join our family. It's hard, it hurt, and we felt like it was never going to happen for us again.

It hurt so badly that I couldn't offer our only child a sibling.

I called our Social Worker every single month, and then more often than that. Our son used to get on the phone with her and ask her too.

Vent here, that's what we're here for.