[nee18]

I was just curious, for those of you in open adoptions, how you handle displaying photos of your child's birth family? Our son's not even a year old yet, so, as many other posts of mine have said, we are still trying to navigate our OA situation. Here's my situation to better explain: I made a photo book about things we did with our son in 2008 and I included pictures of us with his bfamily, which seems totally logical to us to do. However, I'm hesitant to sit it out because my husband's family is so threatened by the OA. I don't want to hide our son's birthfamily and we have been trying to educate my DH's family on OA as we go, hoping to increase their comfort level, but they're just not "there" yet. They were not all on board with the adoption from the beginning, but have fully taken on our son 100% as part of their/our family now, which we are so happy about. I just don't want to sit out the album and have them feel threatened or insecure by our relationship with our son's bfamily. But, I also think eventually they are going to have to get used to it because our son's bfamily will, hopefully, always be part of our lives and we want our son to be able to talk about them and share photos of things he did with them, etc. We don't ever want him to feel like he has to hide his relationship with his bfamily. We want him to be proud of it and feel comfortable talking about it with his whole family, not just me and my DH. What do the rest of you do with pictures around family that's not so on-board with OA?

[aclee]

i think you do it now, while he is too young to realize they are uncomfortable about it. As the only domestic adoption in my family, the bfamily makes some people in my family very uncomfortable. I hear it in their voices when they ask about them...as if every time they ask, they aren't really wanting to hear, they are just hoping I'll say, Nope...haven't heard from them!...when I don't they rush on to another topic...

My mother as advised that I "let it be" and never be the one to initiate contact with the bfamily. It's hard, but I push on...because I have hopes that by the time Tyler is 4 or 5, it will be just a part of our lives, just like he is...

[finallyamom0310]

I say put it out now too. I created a blog to update the family as we don't get together that often and posted pics of DD with BMom after our visit this summer.

My family is really uncomfortable too but luckily they try to hide it and when we talk about DD's Bmom they smile, ask questions and pretend.

[lovemy2boys]

Well, our kids are older (5 and 7) so even though we had pics out when they were young, now it's up to them. AJ (7) has a pic of his firstmom and firstbrother on his dresser. He did this on his own.

JD (5) took a bunch of pics of his firstmom and made a huge collage posterboard that is in the playroom (he did this while AJ was doing a school project.)

My in laws made a remark about it. I told them to get over it...MY house, MY kids, OUR decision. They kept on and on, so I used a line I heard from one of the moms here...I said "The pictures stay. This is an announcement...not a discussion."

I get tired of trying to appease everyone - I spent too many years doing so...

[Leigh131313]

If it's something you want to be doing it - do it. They are just going to have to learn to be comfortable. Just like anything in life, this will take some time.

Personally, I don't scrapbook birthfamily stuff. I don't hang pictures of them up or stuff like that. However, if they send me a picture in the mail, it makes it to my refrigerator wall of fame just like all of the other pictures I receive. They are a part of our lives just like all of the other smiling faces that I enjoy looking at while I pull out the milk.

Just live your open adoption they way you want to - they'll catch on or learn to deal with it.

[cetalley]

NEE18, You are being ever so thoughtful, and I commend you for being that way, towards the families' feelings...however, this is YOUR home and in my opinion, this is not about their greater good...it is for the greater good of your child. This is out of respect for your son, and a need to let him feel comfortable, and happy knowing HIS MOMMY did this for him and his Firstfamily. Kuddos to you for being respectful enough to all, but especially for respecting your son enough to do thid....it is after all...about "our" children! Blessings, and may 2009 bring you,hubby and your lucky son many many more memories for the memory books! C.J. P.S...family will admire and except this one day..until then keep doing what you are doing!

[binkybear]

I actually think the photo book or scrapbook is the perfect way to get them use to it all. With a book they have to pick it up , open it up and take it on in their own time...photos placed out doesn't allow that.

I think you should do what you want and like for your hub and son as a family, but taking immediate and extended family into consideration is nice to. They didn't have all the time you guys did to prep mentally and probably didn't do 1/16 of all of the research, reading, etc that you guys did regarding OA. I think it's ok to babystep it with them for the long haul and big picture of a family.

I was bouncing around youtube recently and there are a couple of decent videos out there from the adoptees perspective (adults and young teens). Your family loves your son, so maybe seeing that "big picture" idea of OA from his point of view could help them "get it". Sometimes seeing it in a video with real live people is more of an impact that the reading materials. (??)

[ourdreamcametru]

We also have an OA and our families are very uncomfortable with any OA situation so we have not told them that we see Castle's birthmother and her family. We do however have a picture of both her birthmother and her birthfather framed and sitting in her room. She is 4.5 and just now starting to understand, we have always told her who they were.

[Blessed2x.]

When my children were little, we have various little plastic photo albums that they could look at like books. One was full of people who loved them, another was a trip to the zoo, etc. I would keep these photo books in their own basket of books so they had access to them when they wanted. Maybe you could try this with pictures of birthfamily in it.

Their "keepsake" baby book, however, I kept high on the shelf. We would get it down occassionally to look at together, but otherwise kept it safe.

[karla-k]

We do what we do as a family and if someone doesn't agree, oh well! I would put the photos where you want them and if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to look

My mother was not in favor of us adopting, especially internationally. But this is not about her. We sent her email pics just like we send other people pics. She was free to delete or whatever. Thankfully, she has taken a 180 degree turn and is in love with our son!

I wouldn't put the pics out just for your families' sake nor would I put them away for their sake.

Isn't family fun!

[mommamarci]

I have a picture of me, Cameron, Cameron's bmom, and his bio brother that sits out in his room. It has sat out since we got home with him. I would love to put a newer pic out but that is the only time we have seen her. It will sit out until Cameron is old enough to decide whether or not he wants it out for people to see.

[mommy3]

We've kept photos of birthfamilies in our children's rooms until they could make the choice of where those photos were placed. We enjoy the photos as part of family albums and if someone has a question/issue, fine with me b/c it's OUR album. I talk openly and warmly about visits but don't drag the discussion out. My MIL/FIL are kinda okay about the topic but hardly ever ask me more about ANYthing we share on birthfamily updates, which tells me they are generally uncomfortable for a very vocal family. Still, they have improved. My own parents think they know it all b/c they have two other grandchildren who were also adopted, but those are closed adoptions. . . so when I share anything, true to form, my mom knows all about it. . . and yet I realize she is fairly unenlightened for real. Still, it's not THEIR child's birthfamily and we do what we feel is right for our children's lives. I want our children to feel like any reasonable topic can be talked about so birthfamily updates/visits/love are just naturally part of our conversations. The quiet it the room is palpable at times when other family is around, but I figure the only way they can be enlightened is to enjoy our world. I'm sure my children will notice this when they get older and it may all go on the list of "things my grandma doesn't quite understand" but that's okay, 'cause we love grandma anyway. I agree with the "decide what's right for your own family" plan. susan

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by nee18

I was just curious, for those of you in open adoptions, how you handle displaying photos of your child's birth family? Our son's not even a year old yet, so, as many other posts of mine have said, we are still trying to navigate our OA situation. Here's my situation to better explain: I made a photo book about things we did with our son in 2008 and I included pictures of us with his bfamily, which seems totally logical to us to do. However, I'm hesitant to sit it out because my husband's family is so threatened by the OA. I don't want to hide our son's birthfamily and we have been trying to educate my DH's family on OA as we go, hoping to increase their comfort level, but they're just not "there" yet. They were not all on board with the adoption from the beginning, but have fully taken on our son 100% as part of their/our family now, which we are so happy about. I just don't want to sit out the album and have them feel threatened or insecure by our relationship with our son's bfamily. But, I also think eventually they are going to have to get used to it because our son's bfamily will, hopefully, always be part of our lives and we want our son to be able to talk about them and share photos of things he did with them, etc. We don't ever want him to feel like he has to hide his relationship with his bfamily. We want him to be proud of it and feel comfortable talking about it with his whole family, not just me and my DH. What do the rest of you do with pictures around family that's not so on-board with OA?

We have pictures in many places including kiddos' bedrooms, in photo albums and in the main areas of our home. And I speak of our relationships (with the birth parents of our kids, which are not not easy or ideal) often in order to make it a normal part of conversation instead of something that some people want to skirt around and would rather pretend doesn't exist or doesn't matter to our children. Otherwise, I am teaching them that it is okay for them to be uncomfortable, teaching them how to treat us and our child. I feel like it is important for them to understand that this is our choice for our family (just like when we decided to adopt and some were against it) and that they will have to find peace with it because it wasn't changing just because they were uncomfortable. I would not want to hide those pictures from anyone to make them more comfortable because I don't want my children to think I'm hiding their birth families from anyone, or that I'm embarrassed of the fact they were adopted into our family.

I would recommend you put the album out because in the end, if they are going to uncomfortable with and threatened by your choice for your child, it is for them to deal with. And I would hope that they are able to find some peace with it in the near future before your child begins to understand that his family isn't accepting his other family.

Blessings...

[dutchgirl2]

Ah photos...my favorite thing! I'm a very visual person and love being surrounded by photos of loved ones on our walls. And we are in an extremely open adoption with our youngest daughter's first family so we do have photos of them on our walls. I did a photoshoot for J and J this past year and have my fave from that session blown up big and on our wall. I also have a fave of just J with A and have that one blown up big and on A's wall in her bedroom. I love it. It is my husband's favorite picture of them together too. I hope it's ok to attach and show it? J and J don't care, they know their pictures are on my blog and on my website.

My family and my husbands family are weirded out by our close relationship with A's first family, but frankly I could care less what anybody thinks about that. I talk about them very matter of factly. As far as we are concerned, they are our family. And I notice that it works well for our girls that way too. They both know A came out of J's belly (I did a maternity photo session for them too, so our girls can totally see the big belly and everything). They don't know any better, and we like it that way. There's nothing secretive about any of it. My only huge regret is that we have a closed adoption situation in regards to my oldest daughter.

[Blessed2x.]

Dutchgirl,

Your pictures are great! Did you say that you took them?

B.