[dutchgirl2]

Hi Blessed2x,
Thanks! Yes I did take it. J's mom and grandma came out to meet our girls, so I actually got a 4 generations pic of A's first family. The pic I posted was taken then.

[nee18]

Thanks for all the great responses. And before I forget, the picture you posted is beautiful, Dutchgirl. I tend to be one of those people that never wants to make anyone too uncomfortable, which is just impossible in an OA (ours anyway). I think I have fears that, if I push my DH's family too much on OA, they may go back to rejecting our son. These fears probably aren't realistic, but, before we adopted, we truly had just accepted that they would not be part of our lives because they were so against the adoption and then, one day shortly after we brought our son home, it just turned completely around and they have been so in love with him. I just don't want to do anything to hurt his relationship with them, but I know that hiding his birth family's pictures and, in any way, making him feel ashamed of talking about his birthfamily with his extended family, would absolutely be more detrimental to him of course. It just gets so frustrating because I feel like, as his parents, if we, of all people, aren't threatened by and fully want an open adoption, what do our extended family have to be threatened by? I know it's just a lack of education and understanding, but it still just gets so frustrating.

[dutchgirl2]

I totally understand where you're coming from. My dad was dead set against the whole open adoption idea. So much so that when we matched with J and J and I called to tell him about it, he suggested we pass on this match and wait for one like with our oldest daughter, in other words wait until we could find a closed adoption situation. I was shocked that he would even suggest such a thing, and extremely hurt. I ended up writing a long letter and sending him the book "Adoption Is a Family Affair!: What Relatives and Friends Must Know". When I called him in Holland to see what he'd thought of the book, he told me it was too dry to read and he'd stopped after the first couple of pages.
I guess some people you just can not convince to change their minds about certain things. And I think it's nice of you to be so respectful of your extended family's feelings. I guess I'm just tired of having to think of others and feel like my first obligation is to my kids and their first families.

[nee18]

Originally Posted by dutchgirl2

I guess I'm just tired of having to think of others and feel like my first obligation is to my kids and their first families.

I hear ya there!

[elledarcy]

Our DD is only 10 months and we don't have any pics up because I really don't want to hear comments about them from our families who are very unsupportive of OA.

I will probably put up photos in the future though as we collect more (we don't really have any now). Once DD gets older I am hoping people will be respectful of her and not say disparaging things about OA!

[loveajax]

We have a photo album for DD of her birth that we share with her. I don't have any pictures of her birth family "hanging up" in our house. I have been meaning to create another album showing all the visit pictures we have (of course, I have been meaning to create a photo album in general...we have like 2500 pictures on the computer and we hardly ever print them out...arrgh!). I think it's one of those situations that whatever you want to do, do it! (Our families are not particularly supportive of "OA" and I don't even have any pix of DD up with her grandparents...whoops!).

[adoptionauthor]

My DH's family was not supportive about our son's OA so I understand where you're coming from.

But parenting reality check...you do what is best for your child not what is most comfortable for grown adults. They can take their sweet time getting used to the situation and you can allow that. But IMO you should never give your child the indication that their birthfamily is something to be ashamed of.

You have an OA...you rock! Be proud so that your child can too. I believe it was the book "Adoption is a Family Affair" (I could be wrong I've read too many!) that said you should ask yourself "is it more important that I'm a good parent or a good child?"

Open adoption is the norm in our house and I do have pictures of my son's birth mom in our house (just like I do pictures of grandma and my extended family). Keep the pics in.

After 2 years of relentless sighs and dirty looks at the mere mention of my sons birthmom my DH's family is finally figuring it out. Some people are slow to cope, you just keep doing your mom thing!

[lisa in venice]

She also assumed that it would eventually close. She makes lots of little comments about how "unhealthy" this whole arrangement is. We also have pictures of birth family everywhere and have included them in holiday cards etc. They are our family and we are proud of them (they are an extraordinary bunch that are family of choice not folks we are stuck with thru sheer genetic luck). It has been nearly ten years and even she has gotten used to it. This is your family, your rules. One of my favorite pictures of Sam and his first mom. It was taken at church at our younger child's baptism

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y15...e/IMG_0909.jpg

[dutchgirl2]

Lisa, what a lovely piccie of your son and his first mom!
I couldn't agree more, they are family of choice. That is a lovely way to put it.

[nee18]

[quote=adoptionauthor]I believe it was the book "Adoption is a Family Affair" (I could be wrong I've read too many!) that said you should ask yourself "is it more important that I'm a good parent or a good child?"QUOTE]

I love this! It really puts things in perspective. Thanks to everyone else for their responses too. It helps a lot to draw on the strength of others that have "been there, done that."

[NicoleP80]

We have one picture of Camden and his birthfather framed in his room from when he was 1st born. We also have pictures from his birthfather and birth brother in an album upstairs of his birth. His birthmom chose to not have her picture taken before, during or after his birth. She chose to not see him. Rather she does see plenty of pictures of him that we mail and on my blog. I am hoping in a month or so she will make the move to come see him. He is just 3 months so I know wounds are fresh for her.

As for those people who have family members who are uncomfy with OA and Birth parents I wrote this on my blog so family and friends could BETTER understand our position on open adoption:

Going to back track a little and update all of you on the adoption stuff. We believe we have found a birth mom. She is due in early October. Honestly she seems wonderful. The baby's father does too. They both seem to be genuinely caring people and very laid back. A lot of you know how I feel about adoption and if you don't here it is :" I truly believe parents who are able to place their child into another home are some of the most selfLESS people and it is such a gift, not just anyone can or will do this. It truly does show how much they love their child. Floyd and I are so happy and we are praying within every inch of our bodies this all works out.

Floyd and I have decided to do an open-adoption, which thankfully these parents want for their child as well. Quite a few people have asked us several variations of "why" ?
These are our reasons for doing so:
*When this child looks in the mirror, we want our child to know themselves. It's hard enough to face the world when you don't know where your face came from.
* We don't want our child to have the cabbage patch mentality. The truth is, this child's life won't start the day we adopt them. Like us, their history and ours began a thousand lifetimes ago.
* We believe in a birthmother's right to choose, if she has the courage to place her child with us, she has the wisdom and right to choose her childs parents. Our childs birthmother is his first Mother.
* We wanted to do a domestic open adoption so our child could know their birthfamily. Our adopted child's birthmother/father chose not to abort them, how could we abort our childs birthmother/birthfather/siblings from our lives.

There are plenty more reasons why we want an open adoption, but these few sum it up nicely I think. While Floyd and I will be this child's parents, this child will have other parents, his first parents... and one day this child will want to know about those parents and we *want* to be able to tell him about them.