[ocracoke]

This is completely not adoption related -- I mean my daughter is adopted but none of the issues have anything to do with her being adopted. I had a terrible Christmas (aside from the pneumonia and broken toe) and I find myself still very angry about it and need some advise.

I had planned on having Christmas with my mom up at my grandma's house in the mountains. But at the last minute my aunt and her family said they couldn't make it and everything was switched to my aunt's house. Her house is huge and can more easily accommodate us all but being in suburbia NJ isn't the same as the Adirondack mountains. I was upset that they didn't even discuss it with me -- they just made the decision then called my mom and asked her to tell me. My sister, my niece, my mom, my daughter, and I all arrived on the 23rd. My niece is just under 2 years old and my daughter just turned 4 year old. The kids started playing in the kitchen as we brought things in from the car. My aunt asked us to move the kids to the living room and she didn't want the kids playing around the antique kitchen table. I moved the kids to the living room but my grandmother didn't want the kids playing in there because the dogs were in there and couldn't be trusted around the kids. So I had to move them to the bonus room. I didn't really want to do this as it is above the garage and I didn't want the kids going up and down the stairs all the time. Plus all 5 of us were staying in the bonus room and there just wasn't a lot of room for playing with all our stuff.

Okay some of the highlights that p***ed me off.

1. On Christmas eve we were getting ready for dinner when I saw my aunt pull my mom aside. My mom then came and talked to my sister and I. My aunt stated that my sister, my niece, my daughter and I would be eating dinner in the kitchen while everyone else ate in the dining room because they needed some "adult time." My grandmother and aunt had been our shopping all day, my uncle had been cooking, working out, and playing guitar all day, my female cousin had slept all day (in college) and my male cousin had worked all day. And she tells my mother? I am 40 -- treat me like an adult! I flipped and cried but in private then I went to dinner. I wanted to leave but Christmas was about my daughter -- not me. At dinner my aunt was setting the table and my mom put her place at the kitchen table and my aunt reminded her that there was room in the dining room for her (there was room for all of us in the dining room!). And my mom just said -- I am eating dinner with MY family -- and sat in the kitchen with us.

2. I asked about decorating cookies with the kids. My aunt said they (the kids) would make too much of a mess. She had made cookies but decided that after the kids went to bed she would whip up some icing and people could decorate their own cookies.

3. I wrote a letter to Santa with my daughter before putting her to bed and left it with some cookies, milk, and a carrot (for the reindeer). I put my daughter to bed then came down to get everything ready for the big event. I was pretty sick by this time and I just wanted to get things done. I went to write a letter from Santa to my daughter and discovered that they had already done it on the back of the letter she had written. I just went to bed.

4. On Christmas morning we managed to keep the kids upstairs until 7:30. We kept them in the kitchen opening stockings while we tried to get the rest of the crew up. It took them about 45 minutes to join us. Then they wanted to have coffee and rolls before opening presents. I vetoed this and took the kids into the living room. Our family opens one present at a time so it takes a long time. After about 20-30 minutes of opening presents my grandmother insisted that we go have rolls and coffee because the "rolls aren't good cold."

5. While opening presents later my daughter was getting excited and I really needed to redirect her and get her focused again. But every time I called her to come over to me at least 2 or 3 people also called her. She would get confused and I would have to pick her up and take her out of the room. She saw this as a punishment which was not my intent but I needed her to be listening to ME. I would comfort her and restate the rules then take her back in. This happened several times before I put her in the corner of the living room with a coloring book and crayons and asked her to stay there.

6. For Christmas dinner we were again told we would be in the kitchen -- which I had assumed. As we were starting to sit down my aunt approached my mom (this time in front of us) and told her that she would sit in the kitchen with us today and my mom could go enjoy the adult table. It really felt like my aunt was "taking one for the team" by the way she said it. Again my mom said to my aunt that she was welcome to join us in the kitchen but she was eating dinner with her family.

I left the morning of the 26th. I never confronted anybody. But I am still angry about it. I told my mom that I have no intentions of traveling for holidays again. Am I being unreasonable? On the 26th I headed up to my dad's house and my daughter got a second Christmas that was all about her, got to paint, got to decorate Christmas cookies, got to eat with the entire family, and got to act like a kid -- by this time I was diagnosed with pneumonia and not much help with her care -- luckily my dad and step mom were willing to see to her needs most of the time.

Just needing to vent,
Samantha

[MelissaLovesPugs]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I would be very upset too in that situation.

I can't believe they wanted you to eat in the other room. I had some family members do that once, when I was in 5th grade. It was an uncle I hardly ever see. Him and his wife (now ex-wife) had a main house, guest cottage, and another building with game tables & a hot tub. They apparently planned to eat a gourmet dinner in that building while the kids would eat "beany weenies" in the main house. They expected me to watch the younger ones. I was offended even as a kid. I just don't understand treating kids as outsiders like that.

As far as the mess decorating cookies...OF course it is a mess. That's part of the fun!

I'm glad you had a better time at your dad's house.

[finallyamom0310]

I am so sorry you had a rough holiday. I have found that holidays are rough when not on your own territory. That is why we host xmas eve and everyone has their own xmas morning. Then again, I have that luxury as my DH's family all live close and my family lives too far away.

[aclee]

Ugg...I can't say anything else. You aren't over reacting...

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by ocracoke

And my mom just said -- I am eating dinner with MY family -- and sat in the kitchen with us.

Can I tell you that I just LOVE your mother? She reminds me of mine...

This year, Christmas was supposed to be at my Grandmas...My mom was there a few weeks before hand, and my Grandma was hemming and hawing...She said "But we just painted and got new flooring throughout the entire house..."

And my mom said "The only two kids that will be here are Adam and Joey...and if you don't want them here, fine...but you can cross the rest of us (my parents, brothers, their gf's, us and our boys) off our list because we go where THEY go".

My grandma then proceeds to tell her no, it wasn't about our boys, but about a cigarette burn my mom and uncle put in the carpet last time they replaced it...In the 70's...when they were like 20...

Sigh...such is my family. And my in-laws are worse.

Anyway, the kids had the flu on Christmas Eve/Day. We stayed home. It was our best Christmas ever. I HIGHLY recommend it...

[startedover]

You poor thing. You are welcome at my house any Christmas where the adults and kids eat in the same room , even if means some sit on the floor. Kids sling icing all over the place and nothing horrible happens. I am glad you got your good Christmas with your dad. I feel for your mom too ,as she had to feel horrible too.

[Fran27]

Yikes... I'd definitely not travel with those people again. I think next time you need to do have it with your sister and your mom!

[ocracoke]

You know what hurts the most about this is that prior to December this was always my favorite part of my family. I love my aunt and uncle. I always stayed in touch with my cousins -- despite the 20 year age gap. We travel to their house a lot. We talk on the phone. We email. And I just felt like an unwelcomed guest. Actually I felt like my daughter was an unwelcomed guest -- which hurts more.

Samantha

[Cjmeck]

You just summed up every reason why I refuse to travel anywhere on Christmas. Dh and I have a rule that Santa only comes to our kids' home I will travel the day before or after but we always wake up on Christmas at home. Its a real shame that you ended up in such a non-kid friendly place. But I have to say, that I am so proud of your mom for staying with HER FAMILY. Sounds like you made the best of a bad situation. I probably wouldn't say anything to anyone except for your mom. And really, I would thank her. It doesn't sound like anyone was really being mean spirited, just as they get older (and I have this in my family too) their lives are not kid-centered anymore. They just don't get it, so no point in having a conversation about it. Next year, invite your mom to your home. Good for you for sticking it out and I bet your daughter will have good memories of a Christmas that you barely survived!

[Leigh131313]

well it sounds like if you are going to go anywhere for Christmas - make it your dads house!!


and your mom handled it beautifully!!

[mg1970]

You know, it is stories like these that make me thankful that we decided to have a tradition of just our family Christmas day.

My Mom grew up with memories of having to wake up Christmas morning, pack up presents and getting carsick on the long drive to Grandmas house. When I left home I came home for Christmas, and the first year I was serious with my husband we tried to visit all of our family between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It only took one year of that before I set the expectation that we would not be visiting all of our family between the holidays. We then rotated the holidays across our family.

My Mom always said that she loved having us, but that when we have children we should spend our Christmas at home. She said "I will come to you" -- and she does.

Growing up Christmas was something we did with just our immediate family. Sometimes we would join another family for dinner Christmas eve, but Christmas day we spent the whole day together, most of it in our pajamas. And that is how my family celebrates it today. No friends, no neighbors, no work, no in laws, just us and sometimes my Mom.

I think anytime you try to get that many family members together it is going to be political. I think Thankgiving is a better day for that disaster.

I totally vote for Christmas with your immediate family next year.

[MamaS]

I totally agree. Travel for Thanksgiving if you must, but kids should be at their homes for Christmas (so Santa can find them)!
When you are feeling better, send one more email to your aunt and uncle and tell them how you felt and why you will no longer be visiting their home. If they wanted an "adults only" Christmas, that is their right, but they should not try to have an "adults only" Christmas by putting the kids in the corner -- or in the kitchen. They deserve to know what they lost and why they lost it and telling them might make you feel better.
Sorry about the pneumonia -- I had strep throat all through Christmas, so I know about the "dead on your feet" feeling.

[Stormster]

We didn't have ANY Christmas ....in fact the entire family was in the hospital half of us getting IV's on Christmas day. So I know the feeling of a disappointing holiday.

Your mom and dad sound awesome (and your step mother). You are lucky you have them!

I'm sure you are disappointed that this part of your extended family showed you their true colors but maybe they just aren't good "Christmas with young kids" people. You never have to do that again. And your mother will also know not to subject you to that again. Chalk it up to experience and keep control over your All future Christmases! I know I am.

[CaddoRose]

I'm so sorry your Christmas was such an ordeal. You are not being unreasonable at all. Next time you know to not participate in events at the Aunt's house because she is more worried about herself and her house than providing a memorable event with family. Just don't go there again.

I for one can not imagine putting kids in one room and adults in the other for a meal. Everybody sits in the same room and eats and sometimes it means I get the bar stool and no table, but it's my house and I don't mind. It's all about giving the kids those memories of being with family and interacting with them. It builds life long relationships with family.

I personally think it is cruel and unusual punishment to open presents one at a time. What's the point of that anyway? Nobody likes it except an adult who likes to control everything. Christmas should be about being a like a child and having joy. There is no joy in watching one person at a time open presents. Is there possibly any other way to make a kid hate Christmas?

[Wisdom]

All I can say is "Ughh!" I wouldn't have enjoyed that at all. Christmas day is one holiday I no longer budge on when it comes to visiting friends and relatives. I don't mind visiting on Thanksgiving, but not Christmas day and even more so now that we have a little one. I like doing things a certain way on Christmas and others have their way of doing things and usually it's not my way. Your mom does sound awesome, by the way!