[Fran27]

Just when I was packing for our trip, we got a letter from the agency. It was a 'social summary' of the adoption that we had to sign and send back so it goes in our files.

So, I read it... and discovered that my kids' birthparents didn't place two children before them, as I thought... but three.

I'm still shocked. My kids have five birth siblings, between 2 and 8, that they will probably never know. We were only able to contact one family, and they never replied... All of them were relinquished voluntarily, and they never wanted to pick a family or any contact. They never asked for money either...

I don't understand. How can I explain to my kids that their birthparents kept having children even though they knew they couldn't parent them (they have two children)? I'm really struggling with this. It's not something that I understand. I understand that accidental pregnancies happen, but four times?

I know I have several years before I have to tackle the subject, and I'll try my best to show my children how much I love them, but I'm worried all this is going to really hurt them

And for all I know there will be another birth sibling born soon...

[crick]

Ah Fran...I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't. I, myself, struggle with this very thing and know the day is coming very soon that I'll need to talk to my kids about it.

It's a shock for sure when you find out and all I can really suggest right now is you take some time to deal with your own feelings about it and talk about it. It's a hard place to be I think wanting to respect and honor our kids bparents in the way they should be and then wrestle with decisions like the ones they have made that aren't necessarily good ones or at least ones that can really possibly hurt our kids. So do give yourself some time to go through the emotions first. Hopefully the decisions will come when the time is right.

[Fran27]

Thanks Crick. I guess I never really thought about it, with all the excitement, until I saw that letter. At least I have several years to think about it.

[ChromaKelly]

Oh wow! That is a shock! I'm also struggling with the how do I explain the parented siblings issue too.

[loveajax]

fran, that's a tough one. i am wondering if they are super religious and don't believe in bc (my nutty parents were like this).

my dd is a placed middle child (with same birth mom and dad) and her younger sis and she are close in age. my dh always says, ''how do we explain that...'' i have no response. i guess at some age appropriate time, you explain the ''facts,'' without judgment as crick suggested. i think (hope) that's what we'll do but i know it's hard to think of your kids being hurt. good luck!

[binkybear]

I'd focus on the positive without trying to second guess or form/project judgements regarding the unknown (possible religious reason, social reasons, unknown marital structure, etc). If it's unknown "why" you (I'd) want to believe the intentions were not motivated by anything unloving, uncaring, or selfish.
5 children are thriving with families because their birthparents loved their lives and made the best plan they could for each of them. I guess I personally wouldn't second guess it all because you're fantastic kids are here with you now, and correct me if I'm wrong they're the most recent placement of the 5? Whatever the reasons may be behind this multiple placement....your kids are here, healthy, and happy.
For you and your family it's just your individual story for now, as they get to the age of fully comprehending placement you'll know how and when to share the more mature details.

[trixila]

Two comments:

A friend adopted a newborn from a birthmother who had placed 5 children before this new baby. My friend looked for the positive, that the birthmother was making adoption plans and building families.

My two kids have at least 6 birthsiblings out there, mostly parented by the birthparents. While it will be difficult to explain, I also have hope for sibling reunions, which can be very strong relationships.

[mommy3]

My youngest has 8 birthsiblings whom she's getting to know gradually over the years (she's 3) with visits. Having an open adoption I hope helps the discussion once it gets more pointed. We talk openly about her story and plant the seeds of "your birthmom decided that we should be your mommy and daddy" plus we have the luck that Alexis can hear the same from her birthmom, "you have the best mommy and daddy". Still, things can still come up later and I'll just try to keep my dd's story growing with more information as she grows up. Even if you don't have an open relationship, you can give her and "open story", as friends of mine do who have closed adoptions. It's all new paths for each of us as parents, but adoption seems to be that way. susan

[Linny]

I may get flamed for this, but sometimes I think adoptive parents try to hard. I think they believe their children will have a problem with comments/realities of their adoption, when in fact, it's the adoptive parents who truly have issues with the facts and project those feelings to the children. I mean no offense to this. Certainly a lot of us are tempted to do this in other areas of our childrens' lives too; but when it comes to a birth-past, sometimes it's just the fact of 'it is what it is' and you're with us now and someone cared enough to make the adoption plan, rather than abort you or try to raise you when she/he felt it wouldn't be in YOUR best interest to do so.

Maybe someone's already said this in a much more eloquent way than I just tried to do; but I'm aware of families who released their bio children to adoption and they HAD and continue to HAVE many more children. I've known of more than one case where there were 7children at last count. None were actually being raised by the birthmother and perhaps it was best that she wasn't. However, as I look at it, the birthmom had the courage to deal with the pregnancy and release the children into a better environment.

That isn't too flattering I suppose. And, *I* don't understand that type of thinking either; but, 'it is what it is' and if it were the situation I was talking about...I guess I'd just tell my children the 'facts', without any flowery-talk about it; and go from there.

We have three little ones still at home and infants that are now grown. In our experience, the best policy was/is total and complete honesty when they've 'asked the hard questions'.
The actions of their birthparents aren't choices *we* made and we won't take responsibility for them. But...we will be responsible enough to tell them the truth of their circumstances and let them know *they* aren't responsible for those choices either.

Just my two-cents...

Sincerely,

Linny

[Fran27]

Linny, the thing is, pretty often when adoptive parents have issues with the reasons of the placement, it's because it's a situation that is quite different with the way they were raised, I think. It can become an issue with the children though, when you want to raise them the same way.

For example, my family has always believed in birth control, and always thought it was more important than 'forbidding' sex before 18 (with a limit, obviously). If I raise my children the same way, and they end up thinking the way I do about it, it might be a problem for them, too.

I know they placed the children so they could have a better life, so I guess we can go from there... Birthdad isn't religious as far as I know.

[Stormster]

Fran i jst wrote a BOOK but deleted it. it was too personal. All I can say is thank goodness they have each other because they will learn the difference between being raised together and all that goes with it. What a blessing.

[nikkianni]

Originally Posted by Linny

I may get flamed for this, but sometimes I think adoptive parents try to hard.

I sort of agree. Not to negate the concern because I do understand it. Our DD has an older biosib that she'll never know.
And DD's bparents got pregnant again with the clear knowledge that they would not be allowed to keep the child they were having.
Why? I don't know. How do I explain this to DD? The simple answer is I can't. I can give details I know but I can't tell her the whys. That will be someone else's job should DD choose to find out. At that point I'll be the shoulder to lean on.
But I guess I'm not concerned about it really. I'll give DD age appropriate answers about her adoption as she grows and one day she'll know the whole story. What she decides to do about that story will be up to her and I'll help her any way I can. That's my job as her mom.

[crick]

I don't know that I try too hard in this aspect, but I do know from a kid and even adoptee point of view, this really seems to be an issue that is upsetting. I've read several experiences shared by adoptees and it's not usually a good one - when they have found out about kept & raised siblings or just more siblings out there etc.

Doesn't mean it's a doomed situation etc. at all, or that my kids will feel the same way. Just means I'd rather be on the more concerned side of this coin than not and tread carefully. That's just my personal situation though, because I know my kids and background. For others, it might be different.

[aclee]

I worry too. Ty has 3 parented siblings, and the one that is just a bit older than him (less than a year) was clearly and "opps" too. I wonder if he will be angry that the first opps got parented and the second opps got placed. His bmom is very vocal with her intentions to abort Ty and then her sign that she was meant to place. I'm not sure how someone would feel hearing that either. I'm lucky in that we have a good relationship with her now, and the hard questions are something she is willing to answer later. It's really really difficult to answer questions on someone else's path and choices about life. Sometimes I think we can't really answer those questions, and can only answer them as they pertain to our own lives. I think it's ok to tell your kids you don't have ALL the answers...How can you possibly answer how/why a person would behave in the manner they do? Only that person knows that.

edit to add...when I read this title I thought for sure you were pregnant Fran

[Fran27]

Lol aclee, we'd have to find time for the s word for that first...