[Jtimes2]

We've been with our agency a short time (approved in November 08) and they do semi-open adoptions which we are comfortable with (for many reasons we didn't want a fully open adoption, and with all due apologies I don't want to start a debate on open vs. semi vs. closed).
We have been presented with a PBM that is a good match on paper. Only thing is, she lives in the same town that we live in. The agency says "you do not run in the same circles" and it's a pretty big town - I don't even run into friends or co-workers at the supermarket. But, I'm concerned for her. I can imagine it would be devastating to her if she saw us and the baby at a store or something. And I guess I'm a little concerned for us. I am sure the agency screened her and she wouldn't run up to the stroller or do anything but you never know when emotions are so raw. They won't present us to her unless we say o.k. and there is absolutely no guarantee that she would pick us anyway. Part of me feels this is so right. DH is totally on the fence and wants to discuss it tonight. What would you do?

[belleinblue1978]

You both need to be comfortable with it. Does she only want a semi open adoption? What does the emom want?

Personally, I wouldn't have matched with someone in the same town that only wanted semi open,heck I probably wouldn't have matched with someone in the same town period. I certainly am NOT the type to interfer, but I need my space too. I don't even like my son's family visiting me in my town.

If you do accept the match and you ran into her could you be civil? Or would you feel an impulse to turn and run?

[Jtimes2]

I don't know what the agency has told her. I don't know if she even knows that we're in the same town and obviously for privacy reasons they can't tell me exactly what part of town she lives in. Our agency only does semi-open and closed, and they are very up front about that with PBM's and adoptive parents, so I'm positive she knows it will be semi-open.

I wonder about the "turn and run" impulse. To be honest, it would be my first thought, but the more I've thought about it, if she can handle it and be civil I can too. I don't want to go into this though if she's not aware that we live in this town. How horrible would it be if she was surprised to see us while she was still healing and grieving?

But, like I said there is no guarantee she'll choose us and it's a pretty big town so I don't think we would see each other. As the agency put it though, she would know what we look like and the photo updates we send would allow her to know what the child looks like too, so it is possible that we'd recognize each other at Wal-Mart.

[aclee]

I come from a medium sized town...my graduating class was about 170 kids. I live 2+ hours from my home town now in a smaller town, surrounded by small towns. I've "run into" 5 people from my graduating class randomly in surrounding small towns. Applebees, Market Basket, Walmart, Shaws, and at a fair.

If you are ok with it, I think it's a great idea, but I wouldn't do it on the premise that you are okay with it because you don't think it will end up happening. You almost have to accept it know it would happen, and you could handle it.

I think I would also try to think about how it would be when the child was older. If she is receiving updates, but you are not, what will your child know about her, or what she looks like. If she comes up to you, and your child is old enough to understand how will you deal with that. I also really wonder if and adopted child who knows that their bmom lives in the same town would spend a lot of time looking for them, and asking if that was them. I know that adopted children in the closed era have said they spend time wondering what their birth parents looked like and looking for people that "looked" like them when they were out. Would that be made worse if your child knew that their bmom lived in the same town? Maybe an adoptee would weigh in.

I think you have to be comfortable with all of that before you say yes.

[cetalley]

JTIMES2, I suppose I ask the same as,Belle,I would think this is something She needs to be handed, before preenting the issue with you first. I believe it should be agreed upon by both, but especially..for now what is important is what emothe wants. I, as a firstmom, can tell you, just for a heads up...we are a strong group of women whom want what is best at the time, for our children to be loved and guided by sincere, loving, and confident parents. This comes across as you not having confidence in emom or your own feelings i.e.- "you would if it were you". Speaking for MOST firstmoms, we don't relinquish, then in 6 months, run into "our" children then snatch them away..we just don't. It is my opinion you should maybe consider this placement is not the one for you. If it were I would not place my baby with anybody whom had this much doubt or insecurity issues. JMHO, and I mean no disrespect, you wanted thoughts, please discuss this with DH. Regardless, I hope you get to be a Mommy soon, and good luck.

[thanksgivingmom]

May I ask, what are the terms of the Semi OA you are considering?

I agree with Aclee that you need to be prepared for the possibility and be ready for it to happen, and so does the emom.

Cupcake's Mom and I live in seperate towns, about 20 minutes apart - but where we live all the towns are right on top of each other anyway. I know we go to some of the same shopping centers, etc., and while we have an open adoption, I don't think either of us is looking to "bump" into each other (for instance if I'm with family that don't know about the placement, with a friend that doesn't know, on a date, etc.) So if I'm going somewhere I know they've been (like EVER) I'm looking out a little - I will admit.

I know that I would be INCREDIBLY hurt if I saw Dee turn and walk away if we bumped into each other. I know that even if I were with people that didn't know about Dee, that I would feel that I MUST go at least say hello and acknowledge her presence (and Cupcake's!)

It's the risks and the complications that are inherent in some adoptions. And you have to weigh what you're comfortable with in every situation.

Best of luck to you!

[RavenSong]

Being in a larger city wouldn't diminish the possibility of running into your child's birthmother. I spotted my son a couple times in my hometown, which happens to be one of the largest cities on the West Coast. This possibility of running into each other is just one of the facts that come along with adoption, IMHO.

What worried me when I read your post was the comment, "I am sure the agency screened her and she wouldn't run up to the stroller or do anything but you never know when emotions are so raw." First of all, birthmoms process their emotions and experiences differently. Some bmoms have an incredible amount of grief the first couple years, while other bmoms bury the emotions deep inside themselves and become numb. The thing that bothers me though is your comment about the agency "screening" her. I don't know of any adoption agency that would refuse placing a child for adoption because the relinquishing mother might have emotional outbursts afterwards.

If I had run into my son with his parents when he was little, I would not have run up to them. I probably would have watched them from a distance for a while, but I doubt I would have even gone up to them. And I certainly wouldn't have snatched him back. That is a stereotype put out by Hollywood, and a very unrealistic one at that. I placed my son for adoption so he would have a better life than the one I could give him at the time. Why would I suddenly snatch him back, just because I caught a glimpse of him? That would negate the whole purpose of my relinquishing him to begin with.

Birthmothers are not just a mass of raw emotions...they still have logical brains and do give a lot of careful forethought to their decision to relinquish. Just my two cents...

[startedover]

the only time my husband and I truly talked aboutr adoption it was internation so that we would never have to fear just what you are talking about. Then 5days before our dd was born we were contacted about her and the birthmom lived 30 seconds from our business. We did not know each other prior to this. We accepted and I am so thankful that this is how it happened. The first "bump" into situation was akward, but we smiled , they smiled and we moved on. We turned the baby (in the stroller) for them to take a peak. We were at a public place and we all agreed (bio parents to) that we didn't want our dd the topic of town gossip, so at this point we were still in the stage that most people didn't know that dd bio parents were local. BUt since then, it has been nothing but a blessing. The bio grandpa contacted us by mail to see if we would send him an update and pictures. Now he sees her montly and that too I am thankful for. Feel free to pm me for more details of situations we have been faced with in a "in town" adoption.

[Jtimes2]

I am sorry if I offended anyone with my ramblings. Sometimes I say/type things without thinking. Thank you for your input. I was able to speak with one of my best friends last night, she is a Birth-Mom and it was wonderful to get her insight. All Birth-Moms are different, just as all adoptive Moms are different, and all children are different - one sweeping statement cannot apply to everyone and I apologize if that's how I came across.

DH and I discussed it and only came up with more questions. This is a personal decision and while I do value the opinions, I realized last night I should not have posted the question. We have to make this decision based on what feels best for us - which we're still working on! Thanks again.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Jtimes2

II wonder about the "turn and run" impulse. To be honest, it would be my first thought, but the more I've thought about it, if she can handle it and be civil I can too. I don't want to go into this though if she's not aware that we live in this town. How horrible would it be if she was surprised to see us while she was still healing and grieving?

But, like I said there is no guarantee she'll choose us and it's a pretty big town so I don't think we would see each other. As the agency put it though, she would know what we look like and the photo updates we send would allow her to know what the child looks like too, so it is possible that we'd recognize each other at Wal-Mart.

The healing and grieving from an adoption lasts forever. I don't know single first mom that is healed completely. We get better, but there are always going to be things that can upset us. I can only speak for myself and say that I've gotten better at dealing with my grief, but it won't ever go away.

I am however a fully functioning member of society that wouldn't purposefully embarass anyone, least of all my son or his parents.

Don't think that posting this question was wrong. Even if you didn't like all the things you heard, I bet you still learned something and it got you thinking.

[ourdreamcametru]

Our daughter's birthmother lived about 30 minutes from us when we met her and I was very worried about bumping into her at the mall or out to eat. In our case we ended up going from simi open to open and seeing her and her extended family several times a year. I am not trying to sway you from your decision but wanted to say that just because you feel open is not for you now doesn't mean your feelings won't change in the future. We were adiment about having a simi open with only letters and pictures a few times a year but our daughter's birthfamily handled things so well as far as giving us our space and standing back that we felt we were missing out on having them in our lives. Now that said, had they been pushy, overbearing or "strange" acting we might not have changed our dicisoin. You have to do what feels right in your heart.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by Jtimes2

I am sorry if I offended anyone with my ramblings. Sometimes I say/type things without thinking. Thank you for your input.

You didn't offend anybody with your questions...at least, I didn't feel offended by anything you said. Don't worry about it--I know how easy it is to misconstrue things said on message boards. It's one of the frustrating parts of Internet life. I sometimes come across as too harsh on the boards or in email when that's not my intention. I usually try to use emoticons to "lighten up" my posts, but I've been forgetting to use them lately.

Originally Posted by Jtimes2

DH and I discussed it and only came up with more questions. This is a personal decision and while I do value the opinions, I realized last night I should not have posted the question. We have to make this decision based on what feels best for us - which we're still working on! Thanks again.

I am so glad you posted your questions and concerns. It is only normal to have concerns and to reach out to others who may have experienced what you're going through. I don't think you can ever have "too many" questions when it comes to parenthood.

I'm sure you and your husband will reach the decision that is best for your family. Good luck on your journey.

[mommy3]

Much like you, I initially wanted a semi-open adoption and then, thanks to our agency and lots of reading, was willing (to consider) to move toward openness if it felt right. Interestingly, despite what we imagined, both children's birthparents were amazed that our relationships grew because THEY never imagined that they'd be able to do more than meet us and have what is known as a semi-open adoption. However, our relationships have grown on their own and now are fully open, although they now live 5 hours from us (one family) and across the country (the other family). We actually wished we could see the farther family much more often, but that's just an aside.

My point is that we really didn't know what we'd want until we met two wonderful families and the worries about "who they would be" fell away 100%. That isn't always true, I realize, but CAN be the case.

About "running into one another", my oldest dd is my bio dd but her dad and I are no longer together, never married, etc. We've NEVER run into him casually and the same goes for many people I know well locally -- and we live in a group of small towns, each only 10-15 min. away from one another. I agree with the pp that most birthparents wouldn't rush up to you and jump into your life, just like you wouldn't do if you saw them from afar. I'm not being judgmental, I just mean that when we really stop and think about how we act in that situation, most of us draw back.

Most of all I want to support you moving forward and considerig this situation and seeing, just seeing if it could work. You might be amazingly surprised to find that it can, in fact, work and that you have a lot or much in common with this special woman. If you CAN "consider" the situation further, maybe it's really worth the possibility. Please know that I'm not judging you or your choices, but just sharing my ideas, having been right where you are in many ways. Best of luck, susan

[Fran27]

Well, you have your reasons not to want visits with the birthparents of the child you will adopt... so I don't think it would be such a good idea to accept the situation.

I guess I'm a bit confused about why you don't want any face to face contact yet are considering being matched with someone you could meet at the grocery store.

[heart_string]

Originally Posted by Fran27

Well, you have your reasons not to want visits with the birthparents of the child you will adopt... so I don't think it would be such a good idea to accept the situation.

I guess I'm a bit confused about why you don't want any face to face contact yet are considering being matched with someone you could meet at the grocery store.

I wondered the same thing. If I didn't want to have the possibility of running into the person that adopted my child, I would not meet them at all - after all, you can't fear what you don't know.