[mdesi]

I'm not looking for sympathy by posting this, or even the "you will get your baby." (Although, I have appreciated that in the past.) I want real answers and stories.

Has anyone ever thought that maybe they don't have children b/c it's not meant to be? I'm there, right now. (Not crying there, but just wondering - crying will come by the end of the week, I'm sure - LOL.) Did anyone else have this thought/fear/concern? What happened? How did you know that you were meant to have a life that included children?

[aclee]

We did not wait long, nor did we struggle for very long with IF before moving to adoption...but for me it was a very long and very out of control and difficult wait. The only thing that got me through it was realizing that children are a gift from God, and as a result, he gives them to you when he knows you are ready, not when you think you are ready. Like with any gift, you can ask for one thing, but in the end, it's up to the giver how the gift giving goes down

Have patience, do not lose hope

[ocracoke]

I had a long wait through the whole IF cycles. Each time I was not pregnant a friend would say -- "It just wasn't meant to be." And I wanted to slap some one. HOw was it possible I was not meant to be a mother? There was no way that could compute in my head. I was meant to be a mother. Once I decided on adoption things seemed to fall into place. My 11 weeks wait for a referral (which I understand is short) was pure torture. I ate more Ben and Jerry's ice cream then should be legally allowed. But I knew my daughter was out there. I knew I would be a mother. And I was right. Nothing makes the wait easier. Nothing we can say will make the wait okay. But I will say that once you have your child in your arms it will be worth everything you endured. And then your life gets turned upside down and you would kill for just one more hour of sleep. And yet it is still worth it.

Samantha

[SupaModel]

I felt that way sometimes. Maybe it's not meant to be. God made me this way for a reason. Thankfully I got my baby and all that changed. Hopefully your wait will end soon

[lovemy2boys]

I did.

3 years of treatments...adoption process...year and a half of waiting.

I got to this really weird place of maybe this is something I wanted "too" much. But I just couldn't let myself go "there" to what if it never happens...but it always lingered in my mind.

And the whole "your baby will come" got tiresome.

But now I find myself saying that to people...Because I firmly believe it...

(((Hugs)))) to you...

[Whistler]

((((Hugs))))

I think you were meant to have children because you really, really want children. I don't think God put such a desire on people's hearts unless He intends to fulfill it, somehow. In His timing. In His way.

Blessings.

[bethy724]

Accepting bio children weren't meant to be was hard & took 7 years-it did NOT mean I wasn't meant to be a mother. I'm a single mom (no husband/boyfriend) so my motherhood was meant to be thru foster care & adoption. I wish people could see fertility & motherhood are 2 different things - I wasn't meant to have bio children - I was meant to be my son's mom. I hope it takes you less than 7 years to see that but if it takes more/less that is what is in your plans.

[minibus]

I think that you have to take control over your own destiny, to some extent. If you give up because you think it's not "meant to be" then, quite simply, it will NOT be because you've given up.

I worried about it not being "meant to be" through IF, through different diagnoses, through our failed match, through all the turbulence that goes along with adoption. But you have to keep going, otherwise it never will be. We have two beautiful children now and they were "meant" to be ours.

[nikkianni]

Oh yeah, I was where you are. A few times. And we didn't wait that long. But I'm a horrible waiter as it turns out.
I don't think I could fully appreciate it all until after DD was born. Now I get it. If I hadn't waited, if I hadn't been rejected, depressed, etc. I wouldn't have DD. And frankly that thought isn't aceptable. I now know I wasn't waiting for a baby. I was waiting for MY baby. And that's DD.
You were meant to be a mom, but only to YOUR baby.

[megaphonemo]

How did i know I was meant to have kids?? I just never imagined not having children. Come H*LL or high water, I was gonna make it happen somehow... Fertility treatments sucked, but I learned that if I can stick a needle in my own stomach, I can do anything.... waiting sucked too, but I always kept in mind the thing that our SW said to us... It is not an if, it is a when, because it will happen... And it did.... twice!

Keep saying that to yourself - it will happen, not if, but when....

Mega

[loveajax]

Mega, oh yeah, the glory days of stomach-sticking!!! I have a friend who does her own butt shot (though I guess it's better than the indignity of my DH doing it).

I was a horrible waiter too. I had gone thru years of IF and once our HS was approved, I think I had an image of the stork dropping off the baby the next day! It WILL happen. Also, I don't know what your situation is, but I started doing some other things (signing up with an agency and a facilitator who had no upfront fees) and things started to "happen." We ultimately only waited 5 months, but it seemed like eternity.

As Mega said, the SW said something to me that was wonderful: "You WILL be a Mom." So I will repeat that to you. I know, know, know the sadness of waiting, believe me, and I just want to give you a hug.

[ourdreamcametru]

I did! I'm going to be completely honest here, my DH and I have two bio sons who are now 18 and 14, I love them with all my heart and would die for either of them at any given time.....BUT.... in my heart I wanted a girl and when I didn't get her the very first time I was devistated! The second time I felt the same way and vowed then to never have another bio child in fear of another boy. PLEASE DON'T FORGET THAT I LOVE MY BOYS lol I just knew in my heart that I was supposed to have a girl and when the plan didn't go my way I was angry. Now, I have my girl through adoption and it's the greatest thing ever, I feel complete with the three children I have. I think it's normal to feel that way when you think you aren't going to be a parent but I agree with an above poster, if you feel it so strong in your heart it will happen, I dont' think God would allow us to feel such pain and loss if he weren't going to fill that hole!

[meghann]

Oh, goodness yes - I am so familiar with that feeling. I've been told as much by some very rude people over the years as well - that I should just accept that I wasn't "meant to be" a mother, etc. etc. etc.

We also had a number of snags - the most recent of which was when our mortgage lender froze our home equity account (which was earmarked to pay for our adoption fees) because of all the garbage going on in the mortgage industry (we've never been so much as a day late on a payment, so why they decided we're all of a sudden a credit risk is beyond me...). I was truly ready to throw in the towel then - I thought, "OK, maybe the universe is trying to tell me something..." - and a family member came through for us, lending us the money we would need to pay our fees.

I found it was worse when I was PMSing - you know how sometimes you just get emotional then?

The last time I felt that way - to the point where I was ready to crawl under the covers & cry & not come out for a few weeks? One week before Thanksgiving, this year. We found out the next day that we'd been chosen, and we brought our daughter home on Thanksgiving day.

I'm not saying that it's good to feel this way, because it means good news is coming to you - but I can say that I understand the sentiment that "it's always darkest just before dawn." I was really & truly ready to give up - to pull our profile & just say, "The hell with it. Clearly this isn't going to happen, so why keep trying?" And then...well, it happened.

I hope it happens for you soon.

[4everwaiting]

Originally Posted by mdesi

I'm not looking for sympathy by posting this, or even the "you will get your baby." (Although, I have appreciated that in the past.) I want real answers and stories.

Has anyone ever thought that maybe they don't have children b/c it's not meant to be? I'm there, right now. (Not crying there, but just wondering - crying will come by the end of the week, I'm sure - LOL.) Did anyone else have this thought/fear/concern? What happened? How did you know that you were meant to have a life that included children?

Yes, everyday I have the same thoughts, fears and concerns! After 2.5 years of being on the waiting list, yes I have big concerns...

((HUGS)) I know what you are going through and beleive me, it is tough. Go with your heart!!! IT WILL HAPPEN!!!


S

[Gwen72]

I felt like I was being punished because I placed my first son for adoption as a teenager. I felt like that is why I couldn't get pregnant. Intellectually, I know there are medical reasons why I can't get pregnant but I still felt pursecuted by God himself. When we decided on adoption we got jerked around by our homestudy agency and then had the failed match. So yes, I felt like I was not meant to be a mother. I didn't get to parent the son I gave birth to. I couldn't get pregnant again and adoption was going down in flames too. I was about as low as I ever have been in my life. It's a good thing breathing is automatic because I would have quit doing it if it were in my control. Four days later I met the most gorgeous man in the world and fell hopelessly in love with him. He was short and skinny and almost bald but he rocked my world! He will be six weeks old in a few days. He looks into my eyes for long periods of time while I'm giving him a bottle or we are snuggling. When other people hold him he keeps an eye on me. He smiles at me and coos to me. The years of trying to get pregnant and the heartache we went through before him seem like a distant memory. Of course, that could be because he still gets up to eat and poop every hour and a half around the clock and I am severely sleep deprived! I am sorry you are feeling so down. All I can do for you is this...