[Stormster]

I wonder if any of you moms (or dads) can appreciate this. In retrospect (and I've talked about this many times) E and I didn't bond until he was about a year old. I'm talking consistent feelings of intimacy on my side and really FEELING like he knew my role. Now it's unmistakable and Momma is one of his favorite words. He also kisses me whenever I ask and does his version of a cuddle.

But when I listen to other mothers who have very young babies and are totally blissed out, "falling in love" and I see a baby clinging to his mother (during feeding or just napping in her arms) I feel a huge sense of loss.

Even though we have our own special relationship, I can't help but have this continuing feeling of regret. I should have breast fed him, I shouldn't have had nurses those first months, I should have worn him more, co-slept. By the time I was conscious of ANY of this stuff he was already holding his own bottle, not letting us change him, not laying down to go to sleep (he literally sits up and tips over when he's asleep).

Is this just the nature of HIM or is this something about US. We've been together since birth, I was at his birth. Sometimes I really do think there is a bit of Primal Wound stuff going on. But with him it manifests as extreme independence.

Could this have happened with a bio child? Why must I dwell on it????

Thoughts? Feelings? Concerns?

[minibus]

Just my opinion. Some kids are cuddly, some are not. I think that this definitely could have happened with a child who came out of your womb. Our friends have a 3 y.o. boy who stands stiff as a board whenever he allows them to hug him. His mom "tricks" him into kissing her by telling him that she has an "owie" on her lips. He's just not a cuddly kid by nature. He was breastfed, SAHM except for 2 days a week, etc etc etc.

Don't beat yourself up over it. You did what you needed to do at the time ... your relationship with E is special and is what it should be.

I think that part of it might be the boy vs. girl thing, too.

[HappyTwinsMom]

Personal opinion? I think breast-feeding doesn't have anything to do with it. And, like minibus said, some kids are just cuddly when others aren't. I did not wear, breast-feed, or co-sleep my daughters and they were and are extremely bonded to me (and I to them).

Regrets aren't going to get you anywhere. Sure, it's quite normal to be sad and feel like you missed something, but you've got a wonderful relationship with your son today - and that's what counts.

[kretzklan]

With my bio son, I was a bit "standoffish" in my parenting when he was a baby - I did breastfeed, but I was single and left him with my mom a lot, didn't ever babytalk or excessively cuddle. Now that I'm dealing with two older adoptees who have attachment disorder and I definitely struggled with my attachment to them from day 1 - I have beat myself up about not "connecting" with my bio son from day 1. There are a lot of whys.
But, he is 12 now and a big, bad 7th grader and I can tell you that he is a loving kid. He's willing to cuddle (geez, not in front of friends) and still needs me a lot. He'll even hold my hand when we are out (far from home). I'm still not a big cuddler...but I try to give each of my kids what they need.
If your son is independent by nature or by nuture (from his first 12 months) is not important. Take the great parts of that...he'll be a good decision maker (or at least he'll be fine with his bad decisions)! He'll be able to handle privileges in a timely manner and trust me, you'll be a proud momma then!

[lovemy2boys]

I can appreciate what you're saying...

It took me AGES to bond with AJ...over a year, I bet.

I mean, I loved him...cared for him...would do anything for him, but it wasn't one of those all encompassing, literally feel your heart swelling kind of bonding things between the two of us...

I was stressed over the adoption...then I took him to work with me full time and did't feel I gave him the attention that I should...but one day, I looked at him and that feeling hit me like a brick...Just came out of nowhere!

When we brought home JD, I vowed things would be different...Then boom. The 15 months of colic, reflux, attachment issues, etc. Bye bye early bonding. Took til he was almost 2, until we could manage the rest of the "stuff" he had going on until that bonding came. Until he could (or would) sit on my lap and kiss and hug and cuddle and it "felt" just perfect. (And I know the bonding/attachment is more about that, but I try not to "go there" too much anymore)

And I can certainly "go there". Go to the guilt over that non-instant feeling of bonding, especially when I hear others say that had that instantaneous feeling...Go to heavy ache in my chest when I look at pics of when he was a little guy and my memories of that time are a sad because of what "should have been".

But I have a tendancy to let too much "stuff" consume me...So I concentrate on the NOW...Where my kids seem no worse for the wear, and even at 5 and 7 STILL fight over who gets to sit on my lap (and let me tell ya - they are getting BIG...and HEAVY...but I know this time is fleeting, so I will take it while I can!)

[DPline]

I really want to second (third? fourth?) Minibus.

Personally, I three kids with three totally different personalities. And my interactions with them and them with me are different based on those personalities.

From reading your posts, you sound like an awesome mother who is totally dedicated to your active, independent son. As you said, you have your own special relationship. And that is as it should be.

[feelingreyt]

Storm,
I have read your postings on E for over a year now and I know you are truely bonded to each other. He knows who mommy is and loves you dearly.
Should you have had nurses? Who knows, but at the time you felt you needed them. So that was right for you. Don't worry about yesterday, today has enough worries of it's own.
As a parent of 3 children, I can tell you that they are all so different. My 2 bio children are as different as night and day. My youngest son is so much like his brother you would think they were bios, yet they are still so different. Each child bonded differently. Each child expresses themselves differently.
Do not dwell on it any longer. E knows you love him and he knows you are mommy.

I want to add that I never carried my children around all the time. I held them A LOT and still do! But the baby slings were just not my thing, and thats OK!

Also, You may just be having a baby itch. Are you guys thinking about another adoption? I longed for another baby to cuddle before my ds came along. I was suffering from the baby itch big time!! Now that my youngest is almost 17 months old, I feel it again, LOL. I think I better just get a back scratcher this time, LOL!

[Whistler]

Your question of "could this happen with a bio child?" the answer is definitely YES.

My daughter, Curly Miss, is my bio daughter, firstborn. When she was born I had a difficult, painful birth and the meds wore off just at the wrong time. So they put her on my chest to "bond" and I asked them to take her away because I was in so much pain I was nearly passing out and I was screaming and I couldn't even think about her. I did hold her soon after.

Then I tried to breastfeed but she was such a big baby it did not go well and after five weeks I gave up. I was still in such painful recovery mode too that my mom bonded with her much more strongly than I did. My husband even did more than me. I felt horribly guilty.

When she was just over 1, I got pg with Little Mister and got horribly sick again and was mostly bedridden for nine months. I could not take proper care of her and I saw her becoming more and more distant while her bond with her daddy grew stronger. By the time the baby was born, she'd not even look up if I came into the house after being away. I was so grieved. I thought I'd lost her. I had never really bonded with her in the first place then this.

My son, meanwhile, was love at first sight. We bonded instantly, breastfeeding went fine with some help from the lactation consultant and he has always been super attached to me. Of course this led to even more guilt with my daughter, because I loved my son so much but with her it was just irritation. She never loved on me or cuddled me or seemed happy to see me and it was hard to drum up affection for such a distant child.

Finally after I recovered somewhat from my son's pgcy and birth, we three had a summer together. Curly Miss was three and had just finished her first Preschool. I took time that summer to really invest in our relationship. For the first time my health was better and I poured everything I could think of into loving on her. I also tried to teach her to be affectionate to me. I'd promote cuddling even if neither of us felt like it. I got her special meals, took her to the park, played with her, did activites with her. When she got her big bed I lay with her in it.

Now she is four and I feel finally for the first time in her life like I love her to pieces like I do my son. She tells me she loves me, and screams "Mommy!!!" when I come in after going to the store. She comes and gives me hugs and tells me about her day.

It was a lot of work to bond with her whereas with my son it was effortless. But Curly's personality clashes a lot with mine so it makes sense that it was harder, I guess. I'll always be sad that my firstborn and I did not have that "instabond" that I had always heard about.

Still, I have a lot of peace about adopting. If it was that much work to bond well with my bio daughter, I should have no trouble putting in the work to bond with an adopted child.

Sorry I really wrote a book here. But I hope I can ease your fears that your relationship with your son is a good one and sometimes it takes a lot of work, even with bio kids.

[nikkianni]

Agreeing with everyone else here.
You're a great mom with a son who loves you and you love him. That's what's important. Everything that went before is just stuff.
And having read so much about E, I also agree that you just got an independent one. Period. I don't think there was a thing that you did to "cause" him to have the personality he has. He's just his own island. Period.
And that's not a bad thing.

[MamaS]

Don't compare your relationship with your child to what you see of others. All relationships are different. Just like all marriages -- some are lovey-dovey, touchy-feely and some are hand-holders and some are distant. You can't judge how much love the partners have for each other by how much they hug!
Neither can you judge your relationship with your child. It you are bonded NOW, that is what is important.

[loveajax]

I am going to be flamed for this, but here goes. I really don't believe in the Primal Wound theory. My DH was adopted and says it's a bunch of "hoohah." I do think my DD missed her birth mom for the first few days she was home with us, but then voila! But I was just a lucky one who felt an "immediate" attachment.

Now, I DO believe in kids having their own personalities which may or may not be anything like yours (even if you are bio related). And E is independent and feisty! I think that's great.

The other thing to think about is that you suffered a lot of losses (including a failed adoption, right?) along the way. I can imagine that you needed to "protect" yourself more because of that...that isn't bad, that makes you human!

You are a great, great mom! As others have said, your son is totally bonded to you. I am the queen of "guilt" -- adoptive parent guilt, Catholic guilt, you name it. But I really believe you should let this one go and start living in the now.

[elledarcy]

I know how you feel! My DD is nearly ten months and she has never had an ounce of separation anxiety. In the crazy places of my mind I think, "it's because she's adopted and she's been separated her whole life!" instead of just being happy that I have a sociable, friendly baby!

I was very jealous of other moms who seemed more "bonded" with their children, but I realized that it is really something you have to grow into. At almost ten months, she is just beginning to snuggle and respond warmly and be excited to see me. I think this has more to do with her growing and learning new concepts and quality spending more time with me than our lack of pre-birth attachment. Or at least I hope.

In any case, I know just how you feel.

[sheababy]

I was somewhat the same way. While I loved DD it's only since she starting having a personality that I fall more in love with her everyday. She was not a clingy child either-held her own bottle, not a cuddler. We co-slept-out of necessity at first and then it just became easier-but she had her own space on the bed-separated from me by rolled up blankets. Probably around 16 months she has started to be more needy and cuddly-I am actually enjoying it since she wasn't in the beginning. But she is still an INDEPENDENT child!

After we brought DD home 3 of my friends who had bio kids told me they didn't feel like a mom or that the kids were theirs for a long time (2 years). This was a surprise and a relief to hear.

Forget about what happened in the past-live in the moment. You have nothing to feel bad about.

[cetalley]

"What the child has missed is the security and serenity of oneness with the person who gave birth to him, a continuum of bonding from prenatal to post natal life." Nancy Verrier, The Primal Woun. Some experts feel that a baby can bond with OTHERS better if it first bonds with its' original mother....We do not seperate puppies and their mothers too early , because we know that psychologically it is not good for them to do so...yet we have no qualms about seperating humans and their babies minutes after birth. People confuse bonding with attachment. Bonding begins in the womb, proven by the childs recogniotion of its mothers scent, voice, heartbeat...within seconds and minutes of birth. However attachment to others and caregivers, new mothers begin between 6-8 months. Infant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Bonding and attachment are distinctly different. Adopting an infant at birth accomplishes little for the baby, mother, or the people adopting (other than this is done to get a baby as close as possible as having been pregnant themselves..which of course would have been their first choice. I hope this helps somewhat to explain why these issues continue to come around every so often. I am sure E is exactly where he should be. As stated previously, all children will progress at different stages, but I am sure , Stormster, E is exactly where he should be. I send this as knowledge in hopes of some understanding, it most assuredly is meant no other way. Sometimes we ALL over think things, when in reality there really is a simple reason. Please do not let bonding and attachment to keep entering your thoughts, for while we tend to overthink some things...we forget to enjoy what is obviously in front of us...keep loving E and be the best Mommy you can...as I know you are..Blessings

[HappyTwinsMom]

Loveajax - no flames here - I agree with you completely and don't buy into the whole "Primal Wound" thing, either. My daughters and I bonded almost immediately (well, as much as you can when you're holding them on a schedule in the NICU) and they still don't care all that much about having been adopted.