[adobe1234]

We've been offered a situation. The infant was born a couple of weeks ago. Was a bit premature (36 weeks, 5.25 lbs). The birthmom reported using cocaine and alcohol every other week for pregnancy mos. 6-8. The baby seems to be doing well. No withdrawal symptoms. Has been feeding well and gaining weight. Seems to be alert, even smiles and tracks. I've fallen in love without even seeing the baby, but we are concerned about alcohol exposure and the possibility of future neurodevelopmental problems, learning disabilities, behavioral problems, etc.

So a few questions:
1) Can a newborn that seems perfectly healthy and thriving develop major sequelae of alcohol/drug exposure only noticeable later in life?
2) We have asked for no drug or alcohol exposure/ HepC/ HIV, but have not been offered any situations like these. Is it realistic to wait for a situation that fits our criteria? Or is this just hopeful thinking?

We know there are never any guarantess, just wanted to know what the realities are.

[Stormster]

I am sorry this may not want to be what you want to hear but I would pass due to the possibility of FAS which can appear later in an otherwise perfectly healthy appearing infant.

Cocaine does not scare me at all but I've learned that eve the most honest addicts will play down their use and it's probably worse than she admits.

Good luck with this very difficult decision.

[Fran27]

If you go ahead with it, you need to be ready to deal with whatever problem might arise... and with such a heavy alcohol use, it's likely that something will.

Don't settle for something you're not ready to deal with just because the wait is hard. There's nothing wrong with admitting that a situation isn't for you. We would not have accepted the situation.

And I hear you about wondering if there are non alcohol, non drug situations out there... There is. You just have to be really patient (it took us 2 years). I would talk to your social worker and ask them to stop presenting you with situations that don't match your criteria though, I can't imagine having to rethink my decision and feel guilty all the time if I don't accept a situation... Ugh!

[Amber76]

It definitely is possible for a baby who looks and acts perfectly normal as a newborn to have major issues with behavior, learning, and development down the line. I've worked with kids with FAE or FAS who make it all the way to four or five appearing pretty normal but who struggle horribly and end up needing lots of special education services once they hit school age. If you're prepared to deal with that, I say go for it! If not, there are situations where babies don't have any drug or alcohol exposure at all. My son is one of them. You may wait a long time, or it might happen tomorrow. Our son came to us after less than two weeks of having our profile out there, and he had no drug or alcohol exposure at all.
Best of luck in making your choice.

[devildogwife]

The baby could definitely have issues later on in life. If the baby having FAS/FAE is something you're unable to deal with, just pass on the situation. The right situation will come along.

However, if we were presented with this situation, we'd go for it.

[ChromaKelly]

We were also presented with a drug-exposure situation (it was a prescription drug, but still, same considerations as there were possibilities of developmental problems). Someone on here told me not to look at the chances that he will be fine, but to honestly evaluate whether or not we are prepared for the chance that he will NOT be fine. It's OK to turn down a situation if it is not for you. Yes, FAS can show up later like others have said. Whatever decision you make, it has to be right for your family. Good luck!

Edit to add - A non-alcohol/drug exposed baby is NOT impossible! Yes, it may take a little longer, but we really didn't wait that long.

[minibus]

I agree with the other posters.

Yes, a baby that seems normal at birth can manifest FASD symptoms later on in life. If there are no facial features, full blown FAS has probably been ruled out.

Yes, it is realistic to wait for situations that fit your criteria, always keeping in mind that most things you base your decision on depend on the honesty of the expectant/birth parent (I say this NOT to slam expectant/birth parents, but because we had a situation where we were lied to).

Best of luck!

[sissyminsky]

I posted most of this reply on a different thread, but I thought it applied here, too.

I think you have to be realistic about what could be the possibility and whether or not your family is equipped for that. Check the Special Needs Board or read The Broken Cord by Michael Dorris. Everyone is equipped with certain gifts and talents so if you feel this would be an opportunity for you to use yours - go for it!

I personally would not consider this situation. For us, the risk would be too great. But, my husband and I are open to many things I know others are not willing to accept. Each family has to decide what is right for them.

There are no guarantees. Based on the pregnancy history, I was worried about certain issues arising with my son. Everything was fine. But, he at age 2 he was diagnosed with a life-threatening allergy that means he has to have an epipen with him everywhere he goes and weekly shots. I also have to be extra vigilant to make teachers and other caretakers are aware of risks and dangers. We've had trips to the emergency room and calls to 911. In the end, it has only made him more precious to us, helped us learn more, and given us more opportunities to see how amazing he is. Really, who could ask for more than that.

If this is your child, you will love him/her and that will be what is most important.

[loveajax]

I don't know the answers here....something in me is saying the risks of FAS are greater when there is drinking earlier in the pg (not that any drinking is good)?

As others have said, though, it's all about your comfort level. Don't feel guilty saying "no." I always believe your "gut" knows whether something is right for you or not.

GOOD LUCK!

[elledarcy]

You should talk to your pediatrician and read more about FAS, but, yes, a child can develop FAS later in life. If you're not comfortable with this, you should definitely say no rather than banking on everything being fine. If you think you can be a good parent to a child who may have some learning and behavior problems, then go ahead.

We said no to a situation where alcohol was involved because we were worried about the possibility of FAS later in life. The next day we got a call that we had been matched with our DD. She had no drug or alcohol exposure and is a very healthy, happy baby. Don’t worry – your child is out there!

[Jtimes2]

We've been offered two situations very similar to this and we passed on both because we did a lot of research and know what we are prepared and not prepared to handle down the road.

Good luck in your decision.

[mrskt]

Personally, the cocaine wouldn't worry me (DD was born cocaine-addicted with no prenatal care and assumed heavy use throughout pregnancy), but the alcohol would. And always assume that they are using significantly more than they are reporting - it's really common for users to underestimate and under report their use, for various reasons.

FAS can definitely appear as a normal healthy infant that later becomes a child with functional limitations, so I would make very sure that you feel comfortable with the likely possibility of it happening.

Bottom line - don't "settle" for something you're not comfortable with just because the wait is long and hard. The lifetime with a child you are not prepared to parent is much harder! I almost made that mistake, and I'm so thankful it fell through at the last minute.

[aclee]

Looking for a situation that is what you "want" is certainly feasible! If that is what you want, stick to it. We were open to everything but alcohol use, and Ty's bmom took Tylenol 2X during her pregnancy and was really sorry about it, but she had a major headache and sciatic nerve issues.

I would pass on this situation also.

Best of luck with your decision, you know if this is right for your family, more than anyone else does.