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  #1  
Old 01-07-2009, 08:57 AM
beav beav is offline
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How old is too old to adopt a newborn

First and formost I donot want to offend anyone who has adopted at the age range I am talking about. Totally not where I am headed wtih this, but I would like some imput.
We have 5 children and I know I should be completly content to raise my 5, but I still feel such a desire to adopt again.
Our youngest is 2 and our oldest is 16.
For the longest time my husband was not on board with another adoption feeling like we were overwhelmed with where we were in life so I didnt feel it would ever be a reality.
He has had a change of heart over this year and knows how badly I want to do this and would be in support of it if we can manage it financially.
With the economy the way it is and some major unexpected expenses this year we have nothing to spare.
He encourages me by saying "lets take a 1-2 years to save up again and then go for it.
My concern is we will be 41/42 by then and I just dont know first of all if we would be considered by birthparents at that age AND if it would be fair to our child to be older when we brought them home.
I know 40 is not old, but when I look at being late 50's when they graduate I think WOW!
My parents were young when they had us kids and so they were always involved with our lives.
We were young when we first started having kids it is just that we have spread them out over 16 years.
I take my 2 year old to daycare and I am the oldest parent there.
I worry about health issues that start to come about as we age and wonder if that is fair to a child.
Maybe I am thinking too much but I would love to hear what you think.
The idea of waiting 2 more years for another baby kills me, and yet I know we cant live beyond our means right now--I have 5 other children to think about!!
Yes, we have considered other options of adopting an older child, but I crave the newborn baby thing and we just cant afford international adoption. Foster care is not an option because we are already at the 5 limit of children our state requires.
Advice welcome and I hope I didnt offend any 40's out their adopting. I know age is just a number and I am not freaking out that I will soon be 40, I just want to do what is best for the baby!
Thanks
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  #2  
Old 01-07-2009, 09:16 AM
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Chachi Chachi is offline
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It doesn't matter what others think -- it's all about how you and your DH feel that really matters. I recently adopted a newborn (still waiting to finalize) and I was 2 months shy of turning 43 when we brought him home. Yes, I will admit, that I sometimes worry about how old I will be when he gets to college but I don't feel too old now (well, maybe on those days when E is up several times during the night). I have a lot more life experience and confidence than Moms in their 20's and 30's and I know that what I am doing is the right thing at the right time for MY family.

If this is what you want and it was meant to be... then just let it happen and enjoy the ride alond the way! Best wishes to you.
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  #3  
Old 01-07-2009, 09:25 AM
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CaddoRose CaddoRose is offline
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As far as the age thing goes, when my DH was born his own Dad was 53. So here were are now with an 11 yr old bio and we would take a baby in a heart beat. We are 45 and 50. Even when DD was born, I was way older than other Moms or the others had several children with the kid the same age as my DD being their last baby. If we got a baby this year, then DH would be almost 70 when they were in college. So what. It's all about what you want and think you can handle, not based on the age of other people. it isn't their life, it's yours. I think we're older and wiser.
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  #4  
Old 01-07-2009, 09:26 AM
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Shadowfaerie Shadowfaerie is offline
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No, I don't think 41-42 is too old to adopt a newborn at all. I will be 40 this year, my husband is 44 and we will be adopting our second newborn in 2009. Expectant mothers keep choosing us so apparently they don't think we're "too old" to parent a newborn either. I'd say it has more to do with if you want to have a newborn at 40 or not than anything else. Yes, you will be nearly 60 when he/she graduates from high school, and yes you'll probably be more tired and have more aches and pains than someone in their 20's, and yes you may be the oldest parent at your son or daughters preschool but it's generally understood that adoptive parents are a bit older. If it's something you really want then go for it.
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  #5  
Old 01-07-2009, 09:27 AM
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DebCsMom DebCsMom is offline
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I was 41 and DH was 40 when we adopted our last child. We too now have 5 children ages 20, 18, 8, 6 and 5. It didn't take long AT ALL for us to adopt and in the case of his birth mom, she liked the fact that we were older parents who had experience!

My sister in law adopted their first child when she had just turned 40 and her husband was 52. The birthmom liked that they were settled and established in life.

As far as what others will think, who cares. My mom had a hissy fit when we adopted the last time! But she loves him to death now, ALL the kids!People said we were crazy for starting over. Like you when I drop my son off at preschool I look at some of the other moms and think, I could be YOUR MOM and your child who is in class with MY SON, could be my grandchild! LOL Again, so what!

More and more people are having children at later ages. If my DH would, we would in a heartbeat adopt again!!

Good Luck!

Deb
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  #6  
Old 01-07-2009, 09:57 AM
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mumofone mumofone is offline
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You know, I am 43 and DH will soon be 46. We have already adopted 3 children and are pursuing adoption again. I have also thought about all the negative things that can happen....my biggest fear is dying before my children are grown. But, that can happen with young parents as well.

We are active with our children, lots of outdoor things, camping, travel, swimming, etc. The only thing I find difficult is the fact that most of our friends have children much older than ours...so not many play dates with them. lol Having said that, when we do visit our friends, there are many older kiddos who love to dote on mine. lol

We do attend play groups whereby the younger ones get to play with other children their own age.

I had a relative who gave birth at the age of 50. She lived long enough to see her grandchildren graduate from high school....so you just never know.
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  #7  
Old 01-07-2009, 10:07 AM
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From my limited social circle, "older" parents (40s) is now more the norm.
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5/23/06- our sweet baby Samuel Miles born
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  #8  
Old 01-07-2009, 10:20 AM
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This is a subject close to my heart. I was 42 when E was born. To be honest, the two years prior to that really aged me because of a lot of stressful things happening to me including the adoption process which for us was pretty harsh.

At odd times, it hits me that I'm older than the other moms at play groups. I'm always thrilled to talk to women in their mid thirties! I consider them my peers. But when I do the math I get pretty scared. Wonder if I was being selfish etc. And this is what I think now:

1. Age is a number.
2. E's birth mother picked us knowing or ages. She very well may have picked another set of parents our age. This is what SHE wanted for him.
3. I am inspired to take great care of myself and plan on living a long long time for him (and for me!)
4. He has very very patient, loving and emotionally mature parents. We have the sense and "stillness" to love him in a very solid, consistent way that is definitely related to this maturity.
5. He has a great quality of life. He is so happy to be with us and couldn't care less how old we are.
6. We offer all the perks of the loving sweet grandparents and the parents. How can that be a bad thing?

I don't know. It comes and goes in waves but he's so well loved and taken care of in the end that's all that matters. I only wish some of the stress of the prior two years was less. I'd probably score ten years lower on a real age test!
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  #9  
Old 01-07-2009, 10:25 AM
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I was 40 and 42 when we adopted our two - now they are 4 and 2, and I am 44. DH is 41. If I was 3-4 years younger I would definitely adopt a third!

I definitely think about "how old I will be when..." and I worry they may get teased about their oldddd parents when they are teens, but I know we are giving these boys the best life we can.

Yes, I get really tired sometimes...yes, I am probably the oldest mom at preschool...yes, most of our local friends have kids at least 10 years older than ours...but I am also amazed at how many of my high school and college friends also have toddlers right now, so I am definitely not unique. I think I am more patient and more "satisfied" with my life than I would have been if we adopted younger...i.e. I don't regret not doing things, because I had time to do many things (travel, etc.) before kids.

I can honestly say I'm not sure if I'd adopt a newborn at that age (40) if I already had 5 kids, but you know what you can handle, what's in your heart and what's best for you and your family, so I say go for it! You can always plan and save and get ready in the meantime, and then revisit your decision later to make sure it's what you both still want.

Cate
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  #10  
Old 01-07-2009, 10:43 AM
Fran27 Fran27 is offline
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Keep in mind that, adoption or not, people are starting to have children later and later. It really depends a lot on your health and how young you feel. I know some 43 year old who would definitely not want to have a newborn now, but if you feel you can, why not?

In the mom club I belong to, I actually think I'm one of the youngest at 30 to have infant twins... quite sure a few are 40 or close. Dh is 45 and I still hope we'll be in a good situation to adopt again in a couple years (although I wish we could adopt a toddler or two then).

Honestly I don't think the whole 'I'll be too old when they graduate college' is really a problem until you're 48 or something when you adopt... Plus I think it helps if they have siblings, and it's a bit less of an issue, as they'll always have each other whatever happens.
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  #11  
Old 01-07-2009, 10:44 AM
cetalley cetalley is offline
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Beav, I have a thought on this. I was 25 when I relinquished. The ONLY info I was allowed to know about my twins parents was...she was 31 and he was 42. Ohter than the size of home that was basically all I was told. I had no choice in the matter, but if I had this would NOT have been an issue. Being able to Love, honor, respect, guide, and parent a child....is not determined by AGE, money,nor race, this is of course according to what I felt and believe(d) when I reliquished . I wish you and family many more blessings!
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  #12  
Old 01-07-2009, 10:55 AM
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I was 38 1/2 and my husband 44 1/2 when we adopted our daughter 18 months ago. We are kind of in the same boat you are in terms of thinking of a second adoption. We need to save money and be in a bigger house so that will put us at 42/48 if we try again.

I think that if you have the energy-go for it. I don't think birthparents are as concerned with age as your love for the child. I would think to a lot of bmoms a big family would be a plus also.
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  #13  
Old 01-07-2009, 11:17 AM
journeytolily journeytolily is offline
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We just brought home our baby girl in November, and I am 47, DH is almost 44. AND we are thinking we may do this one more time!

Both DH and I are "late bloomers". We didn't marry until we were 38/35, we brought home our daughter from Guatemala when I was 41, and our son from Korea when I was 43.

This wasn't how I saw my life working out - no, I always assumed I'd start my family when I was in my early 20s, and have a house full by my mid-30s!

I have definitely thought about the age thing. But honestly, isn't 47 the new 37?? People live longer now, and we have younger attitudes than previous generations. I was raised by my maternal grandparents, and they were both 48 when I was born. I went home from the hospital with them, and lived there til I was 20 and got married. They both lived well into their 80s, and even though I was sometimes embarrassed because my "parents" were so much older than the other kids' parents, I loved them completely, and know that I was incredibly blessed by being raised by them.

Maybe that gives me a little different perspective, I don't know. But I plan on doing my best to be here for my children as long as possible, and staying healthy and fit, and I hope to actually live to see my grandchildren one day!

If you have the desire, and the energy, don't let numbers bother you. Oh, and there are plenty of bmoms who choose "older" parents - it happened to us!
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  #14  
Old 01-07-2009, 11:27 AM
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jules17 jules17 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by journeytolily
This wasn't how I saw my life working out - no, I always assumed I'd start my family when I was in my early 20s, and have a house full by my mid-30s!

If you have the desire, and the energy, don't let numbers bother you. Oh, and there are plenty of bmoms who choose "older" parents - it happened to us!

Exactly!!

My 20s were "me time" - and, oh boy, did I live life to the fullest!!

I got married at 28 (which I thought was dreadfully young, considering I hadn't actually planned on ever getting married!)

I first became a mommy at 34 - and it was wonderful. Not a moment too soon, I think. Tony and I had "our time" to bond, travel, whatever.

So now our time is for our kids. The way it should be, right?

We are happily married and emotionally and financially secure, which also benefits our children.

Now we are 36 and 38 - and still hoping to adopt 2 more children.

Whatever your age - younger or older - if you are ready, go for it!!
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5/23/06- our sweet baby Samuel Miles born
1/19/07 - Home with The Giggler and never been happier!


11/08/06 - our sweet baby Lucas Matthew born
8/21/07 - Home!!! The Growler is just like his brother - a complete HONEY BEAR!

June 4, 2009- Julian "Jude" Thomas born. He is the sweetest of hearts. Oh, how I love my boys so!


Our children are not ours because they share our genes...they are ours because we have had the audacity to envision them and hope for them.
That, at the end of the day...or long sleepless night, is how love really works. - Unknown

I LOVE MY SWEET SONS!!!
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  #15  
Old 01-07-2009, 12:05 PM
startedover startedover is offline
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My first born I was 20 and as you know I was turning 39 when we adopted our dd. I had a rough physical year and had it not been for that YOU BET I WOULD DO IT AGAIN. I feel better now, but since I had made peace with being through, I am still at peace, but obviously you are not at peace. Take the plunge and go for it. Your next baby will be close to you 2 year old and age. Whats' another few year's. I do think 40 is too old for some people, but I think 30 is too old for some people. But not people that LOVE big families.
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