[nee18]

How do you all handle when family want to pass your child around like a football? It drives me crazy!! I try to be happy that they love him, want to hold him, and don't seem to be rejecting him in any way because he was adopted, but, to be honest, it just doesn't help me a lot. My MIL will honestly grab him from my arms and say things like, "you get to see mommy all the time," and just walk off with him. Now, my MIL and I don't have the best history to begin with, so, for my son and DH's sake, I'm trying to be as polite as I can, but this has GOT to stop! I have no problems with him being held by other people, but, it just seems common courtesy to ask first and to not rip a child from his mother's arms. Has anyone else dealt with this? What did you do? Am I overreacting?

[sambob]

I'm guessing this takes place at family events and stuff? If the baby's sleeping, or feeding, and someone tries to take him from you, I think it's totally appropriate to say, "I'll give him to you when he's done eating, okay?" But otherwise, I wouldn't get too worked up about it. Just sit back and enjoy watching the smiles he brings to others as they hold him - they need to bond with him, too.

[aclee]

Wear him. It helped a lot. When they asked for him, I would tell them it was super important for him to be near us/worn by us/held by us as much as possible for bonding. Or I would just say that it was hard to get him in and out, so I didn't want to take him out My biggest problem was carrier snatching where in the 3 seconds it would take me to take off my coat someone would snatch his carrier and bring it to another room so they could have few extra minutes to get him out of the carrier. I put an end to that by telling people only DH and I were allowed to get him in and out of the carrier because someone had done it wrong and messed up the straps. That didn't really happen, but it was a good rule As soon as I took him out of the carrier, I put him in his sling, or his bjorn.

I had a HUGE issue with everyone wanting to feed him. That is major bonding time, and I didn't like it. Everyone seemed to think that because he was bottle fed it was something they all needed to experience. Sorry...you don't help breastfeed the breastfed babies...why do you think you need to help feed mine?

[jules17]

Originally Posted by nee18

My MIL will honestly grab him from my arms and say things like, "you get to see mommy all the time," and just walk off with him.

it just seems common courtesy to ask first and to not rip a child from his mother's arms. Has anyone else dealt with this? What did you do? Am I overreacting?

Oh, man - have I ever been in your shoes. My MIL tried to grab my son from my arms once. Once. She grabbed and I didn't let go...she grabbed again and I didn't let go...she grabbed a third time and I said, "Don't ever grab my child from my arms. EVER." (he had just come home from Guatemala and was just waking up)

It made me FURIOUS. Absolutely crazy mad.

So we set firm boundaries. As in, I said (since Luke was so shy and sensitive) that you need to wait for him to come to you. If he doesn't, you need to be okay with that for now. He just came home from Guatemala at 9 months and his entire world has changed. It is not about "you" (MIL) ...it is about HIM.

No, you are not crazy and no, you are not overreacting.

Even now...he is 2 - he needs Mommy to help him ease into situations and I never let anyone push. I know it drives my inlaws crazy, but I don't care.

ETA: When we talked later about that day, she said, "I was just trying to help." To which I responded, "I wouldn't even take a casserole out of your hands without asking first."

[Stormster]

We have very little family around so there wasn't too much of that. The only time I can remember being shocked was when my Brother In Law kind of grabbed him out of his car seat when I think he was about to fall asleep. that was in England when he was about 5 months old. I didn't say anything but it bugged me.

It had more to do with the fact that he was falling asleep though. E loves being with new people, always has and I usually needed a break so for me it was pretty ok.

But after some of the slow attachment we had if we ever had a second baby i would probably wear and hold MUCH more so might be more conscious of that. I didn't feel protective of E because I didn't now I had to be. Now I realize I should have held and fed him much more than I did (we had a lot of help the first four months)

Jules you are TOUGH!!!!

[OakShannon]

I think Jules makes a good point about personalities. If a child is newly adopted and still adjusting or if he/she is shy and needs time to warm up, then I would set some clear guidelines, and if it annoyed the extended family, so be it. The child's needs are clearly the most important.

But, on the other hand . . . my son is not still adjusting and he has a very social personality, so when grandma comes, I hand him over. I know she's just itching to get her hands on him and I want them to have a relationship. Sadly, I don't have a mother-in-law. But I let my step-father and D's godparents, etc. spend as much "quality time" with him as they want when they see him because I know they love him and I want him to be comfortable with them. And he is. I'm always close by and he's good at reaching for (or these days, running to!) one of his mommies when he wants us.

If he's tired or not feeling well - then I keep him close and just explain that he's not up for socializing.

Sounds like a big part of your problem, though, is not just that your MIL wants to take your son, but the way she approaches. That might be something to discuss with her - or have your DH do it. After 12 years of navigating my partner's (huge!) family, I've learned that there are ways that they communicate and do things that are not meant to offend, but are just part of the family "culture" for lack of a better word - and I shrug off some things that used to drive me batty. (I'm sure Elizabeth does the same with my family. )

[jules17]

Originally Posted by Stormster

Jules you are TOUGH!!!!

Storm, if you had my MIL, you would be too!!

Honestly, she is the only person that I think we have had "issues" with. My parents and others seem to know and respect healthy boundaries.

[binkybear]

I guess it depends...like is the family around all the time or are we talking about people wanting to hold, love and be with a child they don't see frequently? My niece should proabaly have "nerf" (as in football) stamped on her bottom as much as she was held and passed around by all of her relatives. Events like baptism, easter and her first Christmas forget about it...aunts, uncles, grandparents and all who hadn't seen her in forever all wanted to be with her. My sis would take her privatley for feedings and then as long as people weren't ill they were all welcomed to love the baby during those special events.
If it's family that's over all the time and see him all the time then they should think to ask, but the "mommy gets to see you all the time" thing is standard baby holding lingo. I've heard it all over. I'd probably just casually say "thanks mom , but we just got comfortable/settled/ready for mommy to feed (whatever fits) and when we're done here I'll be sure to let you have him first".

[jules17]

Originally Posted by OakShannon

I think Jules makes a good point about personalities. If a child is newly adopted and still adjusting or if he/she is shy and needs time to warm up, then I would set some clear guidelines, and if it annoyed the extended family, so be it. The child's needs are clearly the most important.

)

Yes, and it is different because our children have not been with us since birth. So "they" say that when you bring your child home, you should consider that he/she is a newborn in a lot of ways. Except they aren't, of course.

We felt that we needed time to figure out who is comfortable with what and try to foster that for healthy attachment.

We started by lots and lots and lots of communication about "what it would be like" when they came home - as in, we are primary caregivers and do the feeding, changing, etc.

So we tried to set the stage in a positive tone long before our sons came home.

[aclee]

Yeah at special events it's a free for all. I can't count how many times on Christmas day I would catch sight of Mike, and my sister, and if neither of them had Tyler I would say, where is Ty. Someone always had him, but it's hard to keep track of him when there are 40 family members that don't see him a lot that all want to hold him.

He's getting to the age where he will reach when he wants someone, and when he wants me...anyone else holding him will know it. He will pull your hair and scratch your eyes out if you aren't doing what he wants. They found me fast when he got upset.

I think more when you have a new tiny baby, I don't care how much you do or don't see them...you don't take the baby. Our good friends just had their baby girl. (6 pounder, she's so tiny she looks like an elf) and when we went to see her I knew I wanted to hold her, but I didn't even ask. Mom made a couple of gestures that I thought might have been take the baby while she was talking with DH, but I didn't touch that baby till she said, Are you going to hold her or what? I mean then I snatched her and didn't let her go for 20 minutes, but I even asked if I could peek at her hands because she was all wrapped up. These are people we know really well, and we take care of each other kids, but I just wouldn't grab the kid without asking or being told I could!!!

[jules17]

Originally Posted by aclee

Mom made a couple of gestures that I thought might have been take the baby while she was talking with DH, but I didn't touch that baby till she said, Are you going to hold her or what? I mean then I snatched her and didn't let her go for 20 minutes, but I even asked if I could peek at her hands because she was all wrapped up. These are people we know really well, and we take care of each other kids, but I just wouldn't grab the kid without asking or being told I could!!!

I wish everyone thought like you.

Our boys are the same way...they will wail "MOMMMMMYY" until they get me.

[jules17]

Originally Posted by aclee

I think more when you have a new tiny baby, I don't care how much you do or don't see them...you don't take the baby.

I agree, except with our kids, who weren't tiny or new, it is confusing to them to be passed around. Or it was, anyway. We could see them looking panicked and unsure at that point who Mom and Dad were.

So we felt boundaries were in order.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by jules17

I agree, except with our kids, who weren't tiny or new, it is confusing to them to be passed around. Or it was, anyway. We could see them looking panicked and unsure at that point who Mom and Dad were.

So we felt boundaries were in order.

They were new to YOU and the environment! Maybe not tiny though.

I'm starting to feel like Ty was never tiny. He's a monster.

[nikkianni]

I have a massive family and we're all extremely close. Sometimes annoyingly so, but that's a different issue.
Honestly, I don't/didn't have a problem with it.
When I wanted DD, I got her from whomever had her. This only happens at family functions so to be honest it was nice to have time to, say, eat with both hands.
Of course, none of my family ever tried to take her when I was feeding her or putting her to sleep. That I would have a problem with.
And when she wants me, they bring her back. Heck, you couldn't stop her now if you tried.

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by jules17

I agree, except with our kids, who weren't tiny or new, it is confusing to them to be passed around. Or it was, anyway. We could see them looking panicked and unsure at that point who Mom and Dad were.

So we felt boundaries were in order.

When we did our fost/adopt training we were told that a rough guideline is that is that you triple the age of your child at placement - and that is how old they will be when they have really adjusted and attached to you as parents. So for our son, who was placed at 3 months, we could expect that he would be fully adjusted and attached at 9 months. For us, that was probably about right. It may have gone a little quicker, but D is a pretty easygoing baby and seems to adjust to things more easily that some other babies. If your child was placed at 9 months, then they may not get there until they are a little over 2.

I think it is completely reasonable to prevent your child under those circumstances from being passed around. I would have explained as why as often as necessary and tried to keep the peace, but I would have been very firm about it.