[hopefulmommie2b]

I usually lurk here...but need some advice. I have a 2 year old son who we adopted at birth in an open adoption. It was a rocky start, and for several reasons, we did not have much contact with birthmom for the first year or so. She has really shown great progress in her life, and we are so proud of her. We really treasure our relationship, but I have an issue I don't know how to address. She has never sent us anything for our son before. Today we got a card for Christmas, addressed to us with a message for him and us. She was really sweet with her words, and we are greatful, but she signed it "Love, Mommy"...I have a major issue with that. Then she called and asked to talk to him, granted he just turned 2, so doesn't have much to say, but she spent a good 3 minutes trying to get him to say "momma" on the phone. I really don't want to make waves, but I AM MOMMY... We never really addressed how this would be handled in the beginning since she was really not in a good place, and we weren't sure about contact until she cleaned herself up. Is there a polite way to address this without making her feel terrible? Yes, she is his birthmom, and we tell him about her and how she loves him, but we call her by her first name. Any advice would be helpful...I feel awful for even feeling this way, but I can't help it. Thanks!

[lovemy2boys]

This is a tough one...Personally, the card would not have bothered me but the coaxing on the phone call would have...but that's just me, and everyone has their own feelings on things like this.


If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then it is something you should gently discuss. Tell her that at this point, you'd prefer if your DS addresses her as (whatever you'd prefer).

Good luck. I know it's not always easy approaching your child's firstmom on things such as this...but it's better to get it out in the open as opposed to letting it build up.

[SHD]

I feel you on this one. We have a semi-open adoption with my DD Bmom. In her first letter to us after six months she signed it with her name and then (mom). I was not happy to say the least. I have to be honest I've never mentioned it so my passive/aggressive anger got me no where. If this is somethng that you feel strongly about I say address it now so that it doesn't build up. Good luck to you.

[tweetybirdus]

I agree, address it now before it becomes a bigger issue. You could say something like, "DS is a little young to understand the role you play in his life, though he is learning. He knows me as Mom/Mama/Mommy and I think it would confuse him if you ask him to call you Mom/Mama/Mommy. Let's see if we can come up with something else he can call you that we both can agree on." Then, come up with some suggestions. That makes it about your DS and what's best for him and doesn't put the focus on you and what you want.

Good Luck.

[mommieof2cuties]

How about mommy with her first name

For example my DS calls his first mommy Mama J....

Hope this helps!

Summer

[loveajax]

both of those things would bother me...if they bother you; you need to say sometrhing in a nice way....good luck!

[jules17]

I don't think you are overreacting. It is a boundaries issue.

She may not even be aware that it IS an issue.

I would have a good heart to heart with her about it.

[Vogi2002]

Yeah, the card would not bother me at all, because to her she is one of his mommies too...of course just as I write this I probably would have had a little issue with it, I probably would seek advice (as you have).

Now the coaxing on the phone would have really bothered me, because he was COAXING her, and because by 2 they are confused because YOU are momma to him.

It is an issue of what to call each other, wether it be momma D or whatever, or birthmommy D, or D. I would just tell her that you feel it would be too confusing for him to call both of you momma.

Good luck, tread lightly, but be firm because you want to set up boundaries now. ((hugs))

[kara05kara]

Hi-
We had a very similar situation with our oldest son's open adoption. For the first few months his birthmom would refer to herself as "Mommy" or '"Your Mommy" both in letters and over the phone. I was very unhappy about it (because *I* am Mommy) and very impatient with his birthmom. What worked for me was to first of all remind myself of her grief and find a new level of patience & compassion for her. Then I had to admit that she really was his Mommy first. (Which is sort of like, duh, of course, but that really took some time on my part.) Then, we began to refer to her as "Mama (her-first-name)". So now when she calls, I tell my son, "It's Mama _____!" And if she calls herself Mommy, my son knows she's Mama _____. He's 3 now and doesn't seem confused or anything. Just like he doesn't get confused that he has more than one grandparent.

Another thing I realized was that even though I spend time on this forum and educate myself about adoption, adoptive terms, etc., my son's birthmom does not. She probably does not even know that we refer to her as his "birthmom". So, I think she might just call herself "Mommy" because she doesn't have another word to call herself. I still haven't figured out the right words to show her role as his birthmother and my role as his adoptivemother and all the love in between.

Natalie

[binkybear]

given the small amount of background info you've given those two things would have concerned me as well. The card isn't a huge thing, she may have struggled with how to sign it, she is his mother too.

BUT her trying to make a toddler say something she needed to hear isn't healthy for anyone. She obviously wanted and needed that from him and went about it terribly by trying to force it. My niece is 20 months old and if someone other than her mommy tried to get her to call them mommy she'd look at them like they had 5 heads. I can see her handing the phone to "mommy"....here this person wants to talk to you .
You guys didn't have a discussed plan in place so the assumption and coaxing was a little outta line. Just my take. Even if I felt like that I would still be compassionate and try to work it through knowing that intentions are good, but there's work that needs to be done for all to be healthy in the relationship.
Since you guys had a bit of a tough first year maybe take this opprotunity to start from square one.

(In your house you're the mommy so if another phone call happens don't let 3 minutes pass...that's 3 minutes of confusion for your son ("confusion" if you didn't set the groundwork for that particular name/title,etc). Take the phone from the toddler and start a heart to heart with each other right then and there. Good Luck

[startedover]

At the risk of getting flamed, if you did not agree that she would be called "mom" in the beginning,, I do not feel that it is appropriate for her to assume that title. I realize that alot of birthmoms are going to slam me for that statement, but I'm sorry I just don't think it is fair. Just today we revisited the what to call birth mom after a visit, she wants to be called aunt "b", which the last time we brought this up I got slammed on this board for confusing my child. To me confusion is calling both an adoptive mom and a birth mom "mom". I agree it works for some people and if it is discussed in the beginning , I think that is great, personally that would have been an issue that could have kept my adoption from hapening. (thank God it didn't), but way back then , I would have probably told her I would not feel comfortable with this and therefore she may not have chose us. The point is, that you need to let her know what you are comfortable with. My dd turns 2 next week, so I totally know where you are coming from. This is an age we have to start pinpointing what we are going to do. Good luck.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by startedover

At the risk of getting flamed, if you did not agree that she would be called "mom" in the beginning,, I do not feel that it is appropriate for her to assume that title. I realize that alot of birthmoms are going to slam me for that statement, but I'm sorry I just don't think it is fair.

I'm not quite sure why you are assuming that a lot of the birthmoms here on the forums are going to slam you for giving your opinion. I can't think of one of my cohort members who would do such a thing.

Overall, the birthmoms on these forums, at least the "regulars", are very in tune to positive adoption language. And what I always see bmoms doing here is bending over backwards to make sure that amoms know that they are indeed the real "Mom". Just my two cents, speaking as a birthmom and forum member.

[RavenSong]

Hopefulmomme2b,

I wouldn't be too worried about how she signed the card. It's true that many birthmoms struggle with how they should refer to themselves when signing cards and letters.

I would be worried, though, about your son's birthmom coaxing him to say "Mama" on the telephone. I think that's a bit too much crossing a boundary, IMO.

If I were you, I would sit down with her, and have a woman-to-woman, mother-to-mother talk. I'm sure if she comes to realize how this could be confusing to your son, she'll change her behavior. Maybe the two of you could discuss nicknames or alternative terms of endearment? I'd be low-keyed and empathetic when talking with her. There's a good chance she just doesn't understand that she's crossing a boundary here.

I think it's a lot better to talk with her about your concerns than it is to bottle them up inside. If you allow them to fester, you'll only find yourself resentful. And, believe me, resentments never help out relationships. I've discovered that the hard way during my lifetime.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

I'm not quite sure why you are assuming that a lot of the birthmoms here on the forums are going to slam you for giving your opinion. I can't think of one of my cohort members who would do such a thing.

Overall, the birthmoms on these forums, at least the "regulars", are very in tune to positive adoption language. And what I always see bmoms doing here is bending over backwards to make sure that amoms know that they are indeed the real "Mom". Just my two cents, speaking as a birthmom and forum member.

Thanks Raven,

I am SOOOO careful to not cross that whole mom line thing. Even though it hurts like heck to only be "B" when everyone else in my family gets an honorific, she is the one that gets the title mom and I try my hardest to be fine with that.

[belleinblue1978]

You need to sit her down and talk with her about it and say here are some ideas I have for what we could call you, why don't you write down some ideas and we'll pick one together.

I really think you need to give her the chance to make some suggestions as well. Making a list is fine and good, but how would you feel if someone said to you "These are the only things I'm ok with you being called, pick one."