[rd200]

I have had names picked out for my future boy or girl for the last 4 years thinking i would have another baby. now that i am not having any biological children, i really feel strongly that i want these names to be used for my adopted children. how set is the birthmom on naming their baby when its born? i mean, cant you change it later if you dont like the name it has? i'm just worried that a emom will turn us down cuz i want certain names and yet i have had these names inmy head for years, and i am not really willing to change them. maybe a middle name if they really insist that they want to be part of that. i feel like it would be silly to let an oppurtunity go by because of a name, but i feel strongly about it also. Has anyone had a situation like this before? Rach

[lovemy2boys]

The best thing is to be up front with any expectant mom you meet...Tell her you've dreamed of these names for years.

She may also feel strongly, and really want the paparents to keep the name that she chose. If both of you feel strongly about it, then the match is not right for you.

AJ's firstmom chose a name, but was not insistant that we keep it. We had a name that we loved...DH and I decided to keep the first name that we chose, but use the middle name that she chose.

We did the same thing for JD.

[mommamarci]

Both of my kids were named by their first moms. We changed both names. Our boys each have 2 middle names. The first is a family name, the second is their birth name.

Both of our matches were post birth and we had no contact with moms, so got no input on whether or not to change names.

[Gwen72]

I agree with the previous poster. You should tell any emom that you have your heart set on certain names and why. If she has her heart set on a name of her choosing and you all can't find some compromise then the match is not right for either of you. When we were matched with an emom we discussed what names we had picked out. She liked the names so it wasn't a problem. She decided to parent after the baby was born though. Our son's birthmom chose not to name him. She left the hospital before we got there and did not want to meet us so we named him what we had picked out. You are just going to have to take each situation as it comes. Good Luck!

[Fran27]

Technically speaking, once TPR is signed, and you finalize, it's totally up to you to choose the baby's name. Morally speaking, it's best to mention it to the birthmom to make sure that she is ok with that... It's my understanding that most birthmoms are fine with the adoptive parents changing the names.

In our case we had names picked out too (for 3 years). The birthparents named the babies but we never got to ask them how they would feel about us changing the names. Turns out I really liked the names they picked too, but dh wanted to stick to ours, so we just changed her middle name to the one the birthparents had picked, as it sounded better anyway, but kept the others.

[mumofone]

We have adopted 3 children, and only one mom asked that we please keep his name, even if we used it as a middle name.

While it isn't a name we would have chosen, I can honestly tell you, it suits him, and we kept it as his first name because it meant so much to her.

I would be upfront with any emom/dad with regard to names and would hope that some form of agreement could be reached.

If an expectant parent were adamant about a name, I'd use that name.

[mdesi]

For me, it would be a deal breaker to not be able to name the baby, for the same reasons you outlined. I have wanted to name my child all of my life. Because of that, I know that is something we would discuss before we committed to a match. We really want an open adoption, so I would never want to enter into that relationship w/o having discussed it first.

[karla-k]

Naming a child is a very serious thing for us. If the emom wanted a certain name, we might be willing to use it, but if we didn't like the name (the meaning, connotation, history of it) we would choose a name that we felt fit the situation and child.

If the emom did not want us changing the name, we probably would have to tell her that the name would be changed and risk losing the match.

We were in a situation that we thought we would be adopting two infant relatives from foster care. I liked the names the babies had, but DH didn't like them. He wanted something with more significance and not just "it sounds cute or cool." It is a good thing we didn't have to fight over that...I don't think the bio mother would have wanted us to change the names either.

[Amber76]

I agree with the previous posters, but have to say that when our son was born and we saw him for the first time, every boy's name we had ever talked about went right out the window because he just didn't look like ANY of them to us. It took us almost a week to decide on his name. So, you may find that you love what birthmom picked, or that your chosen names just don't "fit" the baby you adopt! Our son's birthmom didn't officially give him a name, but was calling him Jose right after delivery. We used it as his middle name and gave him our own choice for first name.

[Leigh131313]

I have a very strong opinion on naming. This would be a dealbreaker for me - I wouldn't even budge on the middle name. Of course they can name the baby what they want - but we will change it. Also, I expect that they then refer to the baby as it's new name if there is to be ongoing visits of any sort.

We chose our son's name - we named him his birthmom's last name. But that was our decision and our choice. Because it was her last name, we did ask if that would be ok - in case it made it hard on her in anyway.

[slugbug0930]

DH & I both really wanted to pick out our own name/names for our child as well.....it didn't turn out to be any problem. DD's bmom asked us what we wanted for a name and that is what she went with. She really wanted us to have that experience.

The only problem was that once the moment came & she did ask us.....we couldn't decide....the names we had always considered no longer seemed to fit. Why would that be?? What can you do right?? So we surfed the internet and looked at baby naming sights until we found something we both liked...then asked DD's bmoms opinion. She loved the combo we came up with for DD's first and middle names and said it felt just right!

[Emberbit]

There are several b-moms that I email with who never even asked about names. Of course, the a-parents would choose baby’s name. Others chose a different name for the original BC with the full knowledge that the a-parents would change it.

I can tell you that for me personally, I was in the minority. I was naming Baby and I wanted a-parents who would agree to keep that name without changes. The a-parents could have changed it even after telling me they wouldn’t. I couldn’t have stopped them. Just like I wouldn’t’ be able to stop them from cutting off contact. My first two questions to possible a-parents were: 1) Will you keep the name I give to the baby without changes? And 2.) What are your feelings about the “right” amount of post-birth contact? If either answer was outside of my comfort level, I moved on. They were my two most important criteria. I could always tell the possible a-parents who were open to the idea of me naming Baby and the ones who were reluctantly willing to allow it.

Still, I think for most e-parents, the name isn’t much of an issue…but you may have to pass on a situation or even a few because of the names. If it’s important to you, don’t compromise!

[mdesi]

I thought of another reason I want control of my child's name. I used to teach middle school - 10 years - and there are a lot of names I just can't help but associate with some students. Most of those associations are really good, but there are a few that are really bad. DH really loves one boy's name, and I had six students one year that were just awful. I can't name my child that name. Also, DSS has a name that is really popular, has so many variations for boys and girls, and I don't want to have two kids with that name - LOL. Finally, we are in a family in which we have a lot of duplicates and rhyming names - a plethora of Chris's - both genders, Mario, Melissa/Marrissa/Calista, Hayden/Jaden/Aiden, Alex/Alexa, Johnna/Gianna, etc. We want to purposefully avoid anything that rhymes with a family member or is close to another family members name. BTW - DH loves the name Alyssa, but we just won't do that.

I would never presume that an e-mom would know that about our family or my life experience.

Likewise, I will never name a child a name that is completely disagreeable to the e-mom for reasons of respecting her family and life experiences.

[lovemy2boys]

mdesi - that's actually why we didn't even consider the name that D picked out for AJ...It was and still is a name that I despise because of a friend's child who was a major pain in the keester!

My DH was actually the one who suggested using the middle name that D gave...

We had a name chosen - and DH's first name was going to be AJ's middle name...but as we drove to the hospital to see AJ for the first time, DH said "I really like J - why don't we use that as a middle name instead of M?" and I said "Well, I like J, but it's really your decision (because I knew how badly he wanted to use M for the middle name)"

And when we got to the hospital, D and her family said "What are you going to name this little guy" (because for some weird reason, although we knew what she wanted as a name, she didn't know what we wanted).

And we said AJ - and they were really thrilled that we kept J...

So when we met with JD's parents, we knew that we'd keep the middle name as well...and so when we were talking "first" names, the one we chose was similar to what they chose...but ours happened to be firstdad's grandpa's name, so they were super thrilled...and of course, we kept the middle name, which happens to be Dean.

And when people we don't really know ask if it's a family name since it isn't so popular, I tell them no - that we named him after Dean Martin.

[belleinblue1978]

I named my son and his parents changed it, and I was ok with that. I really think though that if an emom has a name picked out, she should use it on the original birth certificate. We have names we really like too and our child should get the name we like as well. I had one chance to name a baby and I took it.

That said, I have NO problem with people changing names, but be up front with the emom. Who knows, you may even have the same name picked out.