[Gwen72]

We were running errands today and stopped at Wally World. DH is in one aisle getting extra formula and diapers in case we get a big snowstorm. W and I were in the next aisle over looking at clothes but I could see DH. A customer who was a white lady with an Asian looking daughter walks up to DH and asks if he needs help. He notices the lady and her daughter and assumes they are a transracial adoptive family too. He pointed to W and I and said to the lady, "We just adopted our son a few weeks ago and we're stocking up on supplies for this weather." Her face lights up, she beams and says, "I adopted my daughter from China. What country did you adopt from?" Dh says, "Ohio". As G-d is my witness, the lady rolled her eyes at DH, snorted at him and walked away! DH and I stood there staring at each other across the aisle just awe struck. Have you guys ever been snubbed for being domestic adoptive parents instead of international adoptive parents? I have been practicing for months what I'm going to say if someone says, "He's so cute, I can't believe his real mom didn't want him" or "I could never love a child not MY OWN" or any other moronic thing people say to adoptive parents. I was not prepared to be snorted at from another adoptive mom. Lucky for her, I was so stunned I couldn't move for a few seconds. Otherwise, I would have grabbed her like a lion grabs a gazelle!!!

[mondk]

I've been asked a couple of times what country we got Joshie from too; probably because of his skin color...he is fairly light for a biracial baby. I just say "Florida" as usual...but no one has snubbed me for it. That is just outrageous!

Blessings, Michelle

[desertmom2b]

I can't believe you were snubbed like that. For me, I can't believe more U.S. citizens do not adopt our children who are in the system. Why go to another country when there are so many U.S. children needing loving parents and homes?? Just baffles me.
I am looking forward to the day I bring home my son or daughter. This forum has been very helpful in knowing what I might be facing with the outside world.

[Lylac]

Just popping in from the SN boards. I can beleive that people are so snotty. I don't get the what country did you adopt from. I get the why would you adopt kids like these comments. Which sends the momma bear in me into over drive!

[JLW99]

Maybe she thought your dh thought Ohio was a country?
Very rude woman!

[DPline]

Not in any way excusing the woman's rudeness, but I wonder if she thought your husband was being flip and wouldn't tell her what country your son was from?

The way she acted was totally rude and inappropriate, but I can see her walking away thinking "Fine! Don't tell me then!" Not even considering that it was a domestic adoption.

Just a thought.

[Cjmeck]

What?! That's crazy! I cannot even begin to imagine why she would react that way. I mean, I've fielded my share of rude comments since my dd is biracial. But from another a-mom? That would really hurt. We're kind of all in this together, aren't we? Especially us transracial parents... I would've just cried. Gwen, I would just assume that this was an isolated incident. Don't let her stop you from reaching out to other a-parents, okay? Oh, and congrats on going home!

[loveajax]

what the heck....odd woman. people used to always ask what country dd was from. when i said our own state; some were shocked. and when they found out how short our wait was; they were even more shocked. most people also assumed she was adopted from foster care...not sure why so few people know about domestic adoption.

merry christmas to you, dh and william!

[oceanica]

desert, there's 40 couples fighting for every baby in the US. You have to advertise and design packets like some kind of marketing mogul. In other countries, babies are languishing with minimal contact and care in orphanages. The real humanitarian would go overseas. Plus there's the added bonus of not dealing with scamming emoms and losing big bucks for nothing. (Not trying to disparage any birthmoms here!) Even with a legitimate emom she has a very high liklihood of changing her mind. Who wants to be matched for months, pay for everything, and then go through that hell? When you go overseas you have to jump through a lot of hoops and won't get a newborn, but you save yourself a lot of pain and grief.
It does seem like it would cost more, but when you factor in all the failed matches, scams and mind changes it actually costs less.

[Ladyofmoonlight]

Wow, how rude! I agree with DPline in thinking that maybe she thought your husband was being rude, but either way there's no reason for her to act like that.

The only thing I can think of is that us international adoptive parents do catch a lot of flack from not adopting "from the system." I've been questioned a looooot about why we'd adopt from Ethiopia. Only a few times rudely, often just questioningly, like "but we have kids here and you went overseas?" So she's probably heard some rude comments about it, especially since her family is pretty noticeable. I think many people see asian kids and think "international adoption" while many see my son and think "he's black, must be domestic adoption" so a lot of people are really surprised when we mention Ethiopia (though since he "passes" as biracial many people who only see me and him are surprised when I bring up adoption at all as they just assume my husband is African American). Anyway, my point is it's possible that she may have dealt with a lot of people who adopted domestically who questioned her for going overseas and her reaction, rude as it was, may have been one of defense. I mean, while many people we meet often think Paxton is biologically mine, most people who see her are going to immediately know she adopted internationally, and yeah you can catch a lot of flack for it and some days you just don't want to deal with it. Perhaps she'd had similar conversations start out the same way, where she asks about the child and the parent mentions which state they're from then launches into a spiel about domestic adoption and how it's better than international.

Anyway, whether she was being defensive or not is no excuse for rude behavior. Oh, and stop waiting for the dumb comments you've seen online. In my experience that only makes you that much more blindsided by the totally random rude comments you'll get in real life. Yeah, you'll probably here the "couldn't love a kid not my own" crap, but the ones that will really affect you will be things you really didn't anticipate. Though it is handy to have some stock phrases and basic information (I think I can recite my reasoning for adopting from Ethiopia by heart now since I end up saying it at least once a week).

(As a total side note, the only other adoptive parent that I think "snubbed" me also had kids from China, but she was pretty engrossed in a conversation with a friend and just didn't seem interested in anyone else.)

[jules17]

Originally Posted by Ladyofmoonlight

The only thing I can think of is that us international adoptive parents do catch a lot of flack from not adopting "from the system." I've been questioned a looooot about why we'd adopt from Ethiopia. Only a few times rudely, often just questioningly, like "but we have kids here and you went overseas?"

Yes...as the mommy of 2 intenationally adopted sweethearts, we have gotten this scenario.

"We have kids that need homes here in the US too, you know"

You just can't win. I am sorry for her rudenes. I have yet to figure out why people get so darned nosey when it comes to children...

[Sohmakun]

Originally Posted by desertmom2b

For me, I can't believe more U.S. citizens do not adopt our children who are in the system. Why go to another country when there are so many U.S. children needing loving parents and homes?? Just baffles me.

Here are some reasons why some familes go abroad to adopt.

1. There are very few healthy infants in the USA. Even a healthy AA infant is "in demand" by many couples simply because they are a "clean slate" with little to no attachment problems living in a first world country where many people can afford to adopt. A healthy newborn baby in Russia doesn't have that luxury and many live the rest of her life in an orphanage. In addition, because of this shortage, parents who are single, members of the LGBT communty, over 45, and/or have 2+ children are often encouraged to go to abroad or adopt from foster care.

2. The cost and timframe for domestic adoption is unpredictable. I know one couple (heterosexual without any children) waited 15 months to adopt a healthy AA newborn. Another couple (married with one adopted son) waited only 5 months to adopt a healthy CC newborn. The first couple paid about 22K for their adoption and the latter paid about 25K for their first and 10K for their second.

3. It is very difficult to specify gender in domestic adoption. If you want a girl but the birth mother gives birth to a boy, you would have to walk away from that situation and possibly lose thousands of dollars.

4. The vast majority of the children in foster care are ages 6 and up and most adoptive families want children under the age 2 years old. Many states now have foster-to-adopt programs that increases your chances of getting an infant but there is still that risk of the baby being runited with their birth family and the foster families end up being the losers of the game. Another thing to remember is that many (but not all) of the children in foster care are not healthy. Some of them have developemental delays, attachment problems or have been exposed to alcohol and drugs. You would be eliminating yourself from a lot of situations if you only wanted a healthy infant.

5. There is lot of legal risk in domestic adoption. The birthmother could change her mind at the last minute and all the money in "birth mother fees" could be lost. In foster care, the children could be runited with their birth families if they can prove that they can provide a loving home for them.


I'm not trying to bash domestic adoption because I'm adopting domestically. But international adoption can be a much easier process for many couples/singles who don't want to go through any of the situations. mentioned above.

[jules17]

Originally Posted by Sohmakun

2. The cost and timframe for domestic adoption is unpredictable.

3. It is very difficult to specify gender in domestic adoption.

4. Another thing to remember is that many (but not all) of the children in foster care are not healthy. Some of them have developemental delays, attachment problems or have been exposed to alcohol and drugs.

5. There is lot of legal risk in domestic adoption. The birthmother could change her mind.

But international adoption can be a much easier process for many couples/singles who don't want to go through any of the situations. mentioned above.

Although I did a quick read, I "saved" the comments about international adoption that are not necessarily true, or that apply to international as well. You can wait a long time for an international adoption...you can receive an unhealthy child...you can pay wayyy more than you were originally expected to...lots of things can happen!! Lots.

I am not flaming you, or whatever that term is, but trying to educate.

I would not call international easier; I would call it different.

Again, not starting a debate. I mean this with kindness and I hope it is received as such.

[Ladyofmoonlight]

To add on to why people adopt internationally...

Yes there are potential benefits to the adopting family, such as having a relatively stable timeline and knowing fees up front and having it be pretty much guaranteed that everything will go through okay. Of course, the international adoption world can shift very suddenly so fees can change, timelines change dramatically, new governments can institute new rules, etc. So there are also some pretty big downsides.

For many people, though, it comes down to need. Children over here do languish in the system sometimes, but in many countries there isn't even a system to languish in. In places like Ethiopia with millions of AIDS orphans, all orphanages are private and there isn't government aid. While kids might suffer over here at least they're usually guaranteed food, clothing, medical care, shelter, schooling, etc. In some countries none of these are guaranteed, even to children in an orphanage. While most babies over here live to see adulthood, the number of infant deaths goes up dramatically in 3rd world nations.

That's not to say that people should always adopt internationally to "save" a child, just saying that while there are kids over here that are needy, there are other kids out there who are also needy. And really, doesn't every kid without a home deserve one regardless of country of origin?

[joskids]

No matter how or why someone adopts, we all have different reasons for making the choices we do and each should be respected.

As for a reason for someone being rude . . . there's only one . . . STUPIDITY!

Sorry this happened, Gwen. Don't let it haunt you. Stupid folks are a dime a dozen. Loving parents are so much harder to find.

Have a blessed Christmas!!!!!