[SupaModel]

We agreed to pic's and letter twice a year until 18yrs old. My question is how many pic's do you guys send? I just mailed 100 today but is that too much? Normal?
Also do u include yourselves in the pictures? First time we didn't because I thought she would rather see him but this last time I sent pic's with DH, both grandma's, playdates, me etc... so she could see that he's loved. Those of you with semi OA's i would interested in getting your thoughts.

[makarios79]

I don't think there is a hard and fast rule...

I have a semi open adoption with my kids birth family (No official OA agreement) because my kids were adopted from FC...

Right now I don't know where mom and dad are but we talk to other siblings and grandparents...

I send pictures/updates by internet mostly..I sent 3 pictures today by mail to grandparents and something like 7 or 8 each today and a small photo album by mail to their birth sisters who are 7 & 8 y/o whom also have never seen them (my boys) before in life.... Maybe I didn't send enough...lol

ETA: So far I haven't sent any pics with me in them.....only the kids

[fisbaby]

We do the same and we don't send a ton. I sent 6 or 7 the first few times and a few more the next maybe, definitely not 100 though. However, maybe the birthmother will love that! As far as types of pictures, I never sent any with us in them until I read a post a while back about how birthparents did like to see that so this time I included a couple but mostly still our little one.

[HappyTwinsMom]

Holy cats! A hundred?! You are the woman! I think the most I've ever sent was about 20 at a time - and that's a lot for us. I send a little of everything, kids alone, with us, with other family & friends.

[sbaglio]

We're like you, Supa. We send about 90-100 pics every month, with letters, and have had a couple of visits thus far. We have a very open relationship with her bfamily, and speak often, so maybe that's why we feel good about sending so many pics. Though it works for some, I couldn't send only a few pics. We include everything that is happening in DD's life, so that includes us, her fellow infant playmates, grandparents, uncles, aunts, other family, friends; as well as events and such (parties, outings, time at home, milestones etc).

[Fran27]

For the first 6 updates (every month until they turned 6 months), I sent about 25 pictures every time. The agency was all over me for that!!! They said it was great, most families barely send 5 pictures, and that I was doing an awesome job. Truth is, I take so much pictures, it was too hard to choose which to send already!

The next update is due a week before their first birthday... I'm planning on sending the best pictures of them together I've taken since my last update (there are 9 so far that I really like), then probably the best pictures I'll take in January and February. Maybe some from Christmas too with dh's family. I would have added the professional pictures of their 9 months but it was a disaster (I sent the ones I got at 5.5 months though). So it will probably be 30-40 pictures total.

I haven't dared sending many pictures of the kids with us, I'm worried it might hurt them to see us together... but if we take good ones at Christmas I might include more (I usually look horrible anyway).

[DannieAS]

I'm a little hesitant about sending pictures before a child's adoption is finalized...does it make the bio parents want them back more often???? I'm just starting the process from the county...foster/adopt...will begin my 11 classes in 2 weeks, so haven't made up my mind on what I"m comfortable with...we need to think about it during our classes and then see what we (I) are comfortable with.
Any insights????

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by DannieAS

I'm a little hesitant about sending pictures before a child's adoption is finalized...does it make the bio parents want them back more often???? I'm just starting the process from the county...foster/adopt...will begin my 11 classes in 2 weeks, so haven't made up my mind on what I"m comfortable with...we need to think about it during our classes and then see what we (I) are comfortable with.
Any insights????

You really need to learn the laws in your state. It is not that arbitrary after TPR. Parents can't just see a pic and decide they changed their mind. And they miss them the rest of their lives, a photo doesn't "remind" them of their loss. They live with it every day anyway.

[agathaj]

Well said stormster, I only get to see new pics of bchild on her myspace and I still get a huge thrill everytime she puts up something new.

[DannieAS]

no after TPR I have no trepidation...., I'm reading a lot these days about the CA laws in fost/adopt programs which also vary from county to county as well (not the laws, the county programs)...just wanting some information on it. I personally believe that it is better to send pictures then not. It's the inbetween part that I'm wondering about.

[lovemy2boys]

Well, we didn't foster/adopt - we adopted through an agency...and our agency's policy was to wait a minimum of 6 weeks before TPR to make sure they received counseling and were sure of their decision.

During that time, the aparents were encouraged to send pics and/or have a visit with the firstparents (we did both). For one reason, this is a hard enough time for them, and pictures and/or visits wouldn't make the time any harder...

Also, for those of us who entered OA's or semi OA's, it showed that we were, in fact, committed to the relationship right from the beginning.

[RavenSong]

Supa, I come from the olden days of totally closed adoptions. However, California loosened its laws in the 1980's, and my son's parents were allowed to contact me through an intermediary at the county adoption agency. So in essence we went from a closed adoption to a semi-open adoption when our son was between 13 and 14 years old.

His mom started sending me pictures, about twice a year. There were usually about 25 or 30 photographs in each packet. The pictures of when he was little usually were just of him and his little brother (their bio son). But as he grew older, some of the pics included his parents. And let me tell you, I treasured those family photographs. I enjoyed seeing my son in pictures with his parents; I especially enjoyed the "spontaneous" photos, the snapshots of daily life and holidays. I liked seeing the physical affection between him and his folks.

I'm sure you'll do just fine in this picture and update thing. It's fine to play things by ear and make adjustments as you go along.

[thanksgivingmom]

I would LOVE a ton of pictures! And of everything! I love Cupcake with pics of her Mom, pics of her at the playground, in costumes, all of it!

First parents love and miss their kids, pictures or not. I've never heard of a first parent that was totally okay with an adoption and changed his/her mind after seeing a pic - whether the aparents were in the pic or not.

Cupcakes Mom kept putting off our first visit until finalization, and that hurt WAY more than receiving pictures would have. I loved her and missed her more than words can express - a picture would have brought me (personally) comfort. Being told by someone else that a picture or a visit would be too hard on me, that I wasn't ready, that was the hardest part.

[manni28]

Holy cats! A hundred?! You are the woman! I think the most I've ever sent was about 20 at a time - and that's a lot for us. I send a little of everything, kids alone, with us, with other family & friends.

I send a little of everything too.

[DannieAS]

thanksgiving mom

thank you for your post. I think it gives a lot to think about.