[WnnaBmom]

Hi everyone, longtime lurker, nervous first time poster. You all are so wonderful with the advice and ideas....
I am in need of your expert opinion about Emom gifts. We are matched with a phenomenal young woman and would love to send her a Christmas gift and wasn't sure what would be appropriate. Also she has a 2 year old daughter and we would love to send her something as well. Emom is due in February so we are also wondering about gifts for her at the hospital. At our match meeting we brought bath/body products and robe/slippers. I was also not sure how much to spend. Please help. Thanks everyone! Happy Holidays

[thanksgivingmom]

I would probably just send a card for the holidays....you've already given a lovely gift, and while your intentions are likely wonderful, too many presents may be seen as coercive.

Does your agency/state have guidelines or limitations?

[mommytoelmolover]

I think a nice Christmas gift would be a gift certificate for a maternity clothing store.

[calee]

I must agree to just send a card. In many states, there are laws about what can be given during the match period. While I am totally confident your heart is in the right place, it could come across as trying to convince her to place with you, or exchanging "stuff" for her baby. I also would not give a gift at the hospital, aside from flowers, which you might give to anyone in the hospital, for the same reasons as above.

If she does indeed place her baby with you, there will be many wonderful years ahead to exchange gifts at holidays Also, after TPR, you could give her a gift if it seems right, that way, no one could ever say that she was being coerced by money or things....

You are very kind! Have a Merry Christmas!

[lovemy2boys]

The only time we brought something for either of our boys' firstmoms was at the hospital...

We brought D a book of poetry (she wrote poetry) and a journal, which she loved.

We brought C a beautiful frame.

[Beth.]

I think a journal is a nice idea. You can pick up one at Barnes & Noble for less than $15. I would avoid anything that looks/sounds/feel like $$ (gift cards, expensive gifts, etc). A journal is all about her, nothing related to baby or the fact that you are about to become her child's mother. If she's not the type to write in a journal, then it's always fun to have a pretty little book to write your grocery shopping list in.

[lovemy2boys]

Beth. - D has said to us on more than one occasion that the journal "saved her life" in those beginning months...

[WnnaBmom]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. I should have also included that she told us that once she places her baby she wanted to have more of a "closed" adoption until the baby was grown and has any questions. We of course would respect any of her wishes, though we would love to have an open relationship with her. Anyway my reason for writing that is that these may be our only chances to give her gifts and we wanted to make sure we are being as appropriate as we can. Her sw (in her state) has said that gifts are perfectly fine for her and her daughter. She has asked for so little in suppport that we just want to do everything we can for her, even if she decides to parent.

[aclee]

I would say several smaller, not expensive gifts would be nice, find something that would improve her situation, of course it depends on how close (distance) you are too. You could do a basket of nice "essentials"...just basics that are one less thing for her to worry about finding during the holidays. Put some nice health and beauty products in there, maybe a small gift card to her local grocery store or Walmart, some little "treats" like lindt chocolate balls, or hershey kisses, if she has pierced ears maybe a little pair of not too expensive earrings?

I would also go with basics for her daughter. We already have our son, but for Christmas I'm sending his bsiblings coats, hats and mittens, one outfit, and then either a toy or a game. I was tempted to also add a package of designer bandaids in each of their favorite "things" but those things are like $5 a box...lol. I was already over my limit of $25 per kid...but kids love bandaids. My niece was happier about Dora bandaids than an adorable pearl ring I gave her! Kids just like "stuff" to open. I think most kids would rather 10 little $5 presents than a $50 tricycle you know? Maybe do some little hair bows?

I guess it's also just part of who I am. I would much rather get a practical, cozy sweatsuit to wear on a cold weekend for Christmas than a pair of sparkly earings You can find small, inexpensive thoughtful things to send the emom and her daughter that will just brighten her day without spending $200 and it seeming like a bribe. I would be really careful though. I think social workers don't always tend to think how the courts will see something either. They may be more focused on you building a relationship with the emom.