[TAmar7680]

So after 8 months of fighting for this womans Medicaid, doctor, and living expenses. She changes her mind at birth.

The day before she tried to get 300 more dollars from us because the baby was a week late.

She had a stranger call and tell us she changed her mind.

At the start she said she did not want to see the baby or hold it, yet at day of birth she would not let us at the hospital because her family was there to support her and she did not want us there to meet any of them.

She is in a drug court program and on parolle. The "unkown" father is in the same program. The only thing keeping them out of prison was the fact that they were "doing the right thing by having the baby and giving it up for adoption"

We were told yesterday they are both going to prison and the baby is going into foster care.

We thought this was a pretty good leverage to have on the birthmom and BF, and would not change their mind.

People are sooooo crazy!!!! We feel so sorry for this child! We don't care about the money we lost. ($7,000) There are now so many indications that we were "taken" from the beginning.

[yehudit]

I'm so sorry. That is just awful.

[Daisy1339]

What a nightmare! I'm sure you're furious!

Did you say you were using an agency or doing this on your own?

[Amaurosis]

We thought this was a pretty good leverage to have on the birthmom and BF, and would not change their mind.

Wow. This kind of horrifies me. I'm sorry if you were scammed, but to use the threat of prison to coerce an expectant mother (not birthmom) to place is simply wrong.

[Crissy011]

That is horrible! I'm so sorry. My prayers are with you & this little baby.

[joskids]

And how long do you think this child will wait in the foster care system until the parents get their lives together? It's not going to happen, the child will linger without permanence and the "system" will allow it to happen. I'm sorry that you have been used to pay bills. If family was around at the hospital after the birth, why didn't they step up to the plate and take the child or pay for medical expenses, etc., that you were expected to pay for.

A woman has every right to change her mind and decide to parent her own child. In this case, though, aside from your hurt and pain, she has caused her own child to suffer grief and loss that was unnecessary.

Keep the faith. Your child will come to you. YOu did what you thought was right at the time.

[MamaS]

Just who is "Using the baby as leverage"? The Mother!
The Mother who says to the PAPs "Give me money, help me pay my bills and I will place my baby with you." The Mother who says to the court "I am pregnant and want to stay clean and place my baby with these good PAPs instead of letting it go to FC. Please don't send me to jail." And now, the Mother who will say "Please release me on probation so I can go to parenting classes and get my baby back. And also, please set me up with WIC and Medicaid and Section 8 housing and any other government programs paid for by taxpayers." Nope, now that I think about it, she doesn't deserve to be called "Mother". A real "Mother" would consider the needs of her child first.

[Daisy1339]

Originally Posted by Amaurosis

Wow. This kind of horrifies me. I'm sorry if you were scammed, but to use the threat of prison to coerce an expectant mother (not birthmom) to place is simply wrong.

In her defense, I think this was just a poor choice of words. She's angry and has every right to be! Just as the Bmom has every right to change her mind.

My thought is like other's who have posted, where was her family all this time?

[Vogi2002]

Wow MamaC - harsh. We need to respect the fact that there are birthmothers reading this, and they respect these times of sadness by letting some comments go, but that gives us no right to be downright mean about these situations. Bitterness will do nothing but cause hatred. We need to give respect to get it.


I'm so sorry to the OP for the lost match, it is even more painful when the situation isn't the best. ((hugs))

[TAmar7680]

Originally Posted by Amaurosis

Wow. This kind of horrifies me. I'm sorry if you were scammed, but to use the threat of prison to coerce an expectant mother (not birthmom) to place is simply wrong.

It is not a "threat" of prison. Drug court is a second chance for people to rehabilitate. There are very, very strict rules in place. One of those rules is to not interact with other felons or especially with other drug court members. The birthmom and BF did both and conceived an out of wedlock child. And at the time that we found out about the child. The BF was in jail for childsupport failure. When we found the birthmom and child, she was going to abort the fetus! We felt very strongly that God was leading us to this child. We offered to adopt the child and prayed with her about this. At least the child has been born, and a chance has been given to him. We wanted to give him the best chance with us , had his room ready and 2 showers. A wonderful church family (so supportive right now) and awesome grandparents. Some may think that maybe he should have been aborted, but we at least know that he has been given every opportunity to life by just a pair of strangers that want to help the unwanted.

[leenie71]

TAmar, so sorry that this happened...the poor child is left to flounder in the foster care system instead of having the permanence and stability of a family waiting to take him or her. This is where I think the system fails.

[waitingforanangel]

My heart goes out to you, your husband, the birthparents, and the baby. What a terrible situation. It is such horrible shame that the baby can't go to you and instead has to be placed in the foster care system. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

[greenrobin]

[quote=joskids]And how long do you think this child will wait in the foster care system until the parents get their lives together? It's not going to happen, the child will linger without permanence and the "system" will allow it to happen.


Depends on what you think of as "linger."

Federal laws are in place to stop the lingering. If a child has been in care 15 of the last 22 months, then the court can terminate rights. Parents in prison can work a plan. They have a right to do so. People can change.

I am a foster mom. Ours is a good home and I know of many others who can rightfully say the same thing. No, the system is not perfect, but that does not mean that the baby will not receive great amounts of love and care from willing parents. We are on the road to adoption, God willing, with the two kids in our care. While they have been lingering in my home for the last 14 months, they've had love, attention, affection, opportunities and fun. They've also missed their birth family, wanted to go home and grown to love us as we do them. Their family has had the chance to do what was necessary to get them back. Their choices are what has caused the children to be where they are.

I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that you and your child find each other very quickly. And I pray that this baby finds love as great as you want to give to him or her.

[MamaS]

Vogi2002: I said nothing negative about birthmothers in general. There are those on this forum I respect. There are those in my "real" life I love. And there is this particular birth mother and these particular circumstances which just scream "scamming the PAP's" to me.
Now, it is possible that she asked for $300 24 hours before the child was born in good faith.
It is possible that all her family was gathered to say good-bye to the baby and that is why she did not want the PAPs to be present.
It is possible that even though she qualified for Medicaid, etc. before the baby was born that she will have a good job waiting for her when she gets out of jail and will not have to rely on government benefits.
In our state the minimum jail or rehab time is 12 months and working the "parenting program" takes a minimum of 6 months. So it is possible that that baby won't spend more than a year and a half in a foster home.
So, if I offended you by caring more about the welfare of the child than the mother's rights and choices -- past, present, and future --- well, I can't apologize for that because I do care more about helpless children who have to live -- or die -- according to the whims of their parents.

[blessedbybug]

I'm sorry for your loss. that has to be really, really hard after all the time, resources and energy you have put into this situation. I would be upset too that things didn't work out.

I am hoping that these new parents take this opportunity to make a good life for their family, against all odds.