[ChromaKelly]

I know it's still very early in the process, but I'm just trying to navigate this whole OA thing. Like a lot of you, we didn't get a whole lot of guidance, it was just "whatever you all are comfortable with". The placing agency seems to favor semi-open (pictures/letters periodically) and that was initially what we were comfortable with. But then we met the birthmom, hit it off fine, and we agreed that phone calls would be nice.

So anyway, baby is 3 months old now, and I've called her a few times. She always sounds pleased to hear from us, but it's always me calling. Something happened where she didn't receive the pictures I had sent, (still don't know what happened, suspect the packages were stolen), and she was supposed to call me with her new address. I wait a couple weeks, she doesn't call. I reprinted all the pictures, and then called her yesterday, but got voicemail. Now I don't know if I should just wait for her to call, or give it another week or so and then call again.

If she isn't up for or doesn't want to talk to me, I understand. I'm not sure if she does want to talk, but isn't big on making the phone call, or if she's trying to give me a hint.

[loveajax]

Chroma, I think the first few months are probably just so hard, you know? I think you have been trying but I think if you have left messages, etc., you can then wait for a return call. Obviously, if months go by, you can try again. Hopefully, the next time you DO talk, you can explain that you really like to talk to her, don't want to lose touch, etc. (she may think you are doing this out of "obligation" and not real desire; she also really may just need some time to process things too). Good luck!!

[joskimo]

I have to agree that I imagine the first months are probably really hard. Our adoption is semi-open and the nice thing is that I send my letters and pictures to the adoption agency and when the bmom is up to it, she can pick them up or they'll forward them to her. At irst my feelings were hurt that they sat for quite awhile, but it's her deal and not mine.

I'm not sure what parameters you set up for the OA, but I'd let her take the lead a little bit.

[melissa_bear003]

One thing that holds true in every relationship, but is especially valuable to remember in adoption is that the only person you have any control over is you. You do what you promised, and try and let go of what the bmom is doing. I realize that can't be easy, but everyone has their own pace, their own path to walk. You've let her know that you're willing and interested...and when she's ready, she'll be in touch.

[cetalley]

I think ALL the previous post ar wonderful solutions. I am a Firstmom, and I can atest to not being "of sound mind) for several months after. I still grieve and ache, but some days are better than others. The Firstmom of which you speak...could and should be going through emotions she cannot even to begins to understand! Please allow her time, there is no hurry, and as a parent to this blessing of a child, you must remember to continue to communicate...for in time she will reach out for that. I send this with Blessings...it is too far and few instances, of journies between Firstmoms and real-life moms, that wish only to offer the best to ! Firstmom....I hope this makes some sense.....I will stop my rant, and say to you ...give her the time it takes, continue pics, letters,etc....she will appreciate this act of kindness!

[Mommy24]

I know that I always felt like I was intruding. It had nothing to do with anything that was said, or done, just my own feelings and insecurities. Is it possible to let her know that you really, truly, welcome her calls......maybe she just feels like you are being kind?

Best of luck!

[nee18]

Chroma, if it makes you feel any better, we are still figuring out how to navigate our son's OA too. We truly care about our son's bmom and it's still so awkward and so much harder than I thought it would be. I feel like we take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I think it's been hard on me just because I think I had certain unrealistic expectations I set for her that she can't (and shouldn't have to) live up to. We rarely speak on the phone, almost always through e-mail, and only know each other on a superficial level. I have no idea how she's feeling with things because she doesn't really communicate those feelings to me. What I mean by that is that I don't know if she's had a hard time adjusting after our son's adoption or if she wishes I would call her more, less, just as things are (I actually don't know her phone # right now, so I can't call her), we just don't communicate as well as I'd like and, when I reach out, I don't always get a response. She keeps in touch, don't get me wrong, but we just don't talk about the reality and expectations of his adoption. Is this making sense? Obviously, though, I am WAY expecting too much out of our relationship and I've had to remind myself to just do what my DH and I promised in our OA agreement and leave her side of it up to her. It sounds like you're doing everything you can and it's just so hard to develop such an important relationship with someone who is, most likely, feeling such a mix of emotions and who you haven't known for long at all (I assume in your case). I still find myself e-mailing again after I've already e-mailed once and haven't heard anything for awhile, when, really, I just need to give her the space she needs to figure out how much involvement she wants to have in our relationship with her. The most important thing, I think, is that she knows you are going to keep your commitment to everything you agreed to with her and that, if she ever wants to have more contact, she can. That's the stance I've had to take, but it's just hard. I keep waiting for things to feel more natural, especially since our agency did such a good job of convincing us that open adoption was the right way to go. You'd think the "right way" would be easier, right? I think, from what I've read from others, it just takes time. Sorry I've rambled on so much about my experience so far with OA-not trying to steal your thread!

[ChromaKelly]

Nee, thank you for your post! That's exactly what ours is like, except we don't email. I kind of wish she was online, I do much better with email and IM. Also, I could just give her the link to my shutterfly album and then she could look at the pics whenever.

Yes, we have basically the same relationship. It's superficial, we make small talk. I update her on Caleb and how things are going, but we almost never talk about the adoption issues. I had to bring it up when we were matched, which we only had two weeks of "match", so it wasn't like we had a lot of time to ease into things. I don't know at all how she feels about things, I got some updates from the social worker who said general things like "she's feeling positive" and that she likes us, feels comfortable with us, so I guess that's all good.

Anyway, sorry I went off on a little tangent there.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by ChromaKelly

I know it's still very early in the process, but I'm just trying to navigate this whole OA thing. Like a lot of you, we didn't get a whole lot of guidance, it was just "whatever you all are comfortable with". The placing agency seems to favor semi-open (pictures/letters periodically) and that was initially what we were comfortable with. But then we met the birthmom, hit it off fine, and we agreed that phone calls would be nice.

So anyway, baby is 3 months old now, and I've called her a few times. She always sounds pleased to hear from us, but it's always me calling. Something happened where she didn't receive the pictures I had sent, (still don't know what happened, suspect the packages were stolen), and she was supposed to call me with her new address. I wait a couple weeks, she doesn't call. I reprinted all the pictures, and then called her yesterday, but got voicemail. Now I don't know if I should just wait for her to call, or give it another week or so and then call again.

If she isn't up for or doesn't want to talk to me, I understand. I'm not sure if she does want to talk, but isn't big on making the phone call, or if she's trying to give me a hint.

This is the exact situation we are in with both our kids' other families. It has worn me down alot, the not knowing if/when of it all. I just keep sending pics/letters and hoping. Every once in awhile they respond but it's always after I initiate something. And most, almost all the time, we get absolutely no response to our efforts to keep things open.

Our agency is pretty much out of the picture too. I've asked for advice and their only response has been that they can't believe I'm still trying, that most people give up by this point when things go this way.

I continue to send regular updates (although I have cut back on the number) and assume that they want to get them. That will be my assumption until I hear otherwise. It's that important to me that my children know we tried, that we made our best efforts. And that we continue to hope that something will come of it.

I'm not overly encouraging right now but I'm pretty exhausted and discouraged from the trying at the moment, having just completed another big series of updates for everyone (we send updates to 4-5 different homes depending on who is where). All I know is to keep doing what we're doing.

I hope that things work out for you.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by ChromaKelly

Nee, thank you for your post! That's exactly what ours is like, except we don't email. I kind of wish she was online, I do much better with email and IM. Also, I could just give her the link to my shutterfly album and then she could look at the pics whenever.

Yes, we have basically the same relationship. It's superficial, we make small talk. I update her on Caleb and how things are going, but we almost never talk about the adoption issues. I had to bring it up when we were matched, which we only had two weeks of "match", so it wasn't like we had a lot of time to ease into things. I don't know at all how she feels about things, I got some updates from the social worker who said general things like "she's feeling positive" and that she likes us, feels comfortable with us, so I guess that's all good.

Anyway, sorry I went off on a little tangent there.

I NEVER talk about my feelings related to the placement of my son with his mom. It isn't her job to take those emotions on. I have people that I go to, my best friend in town is a first mom, and I go to my mom all the time with that stuff. Those are the people I should go to, she might have people like that as well.

I think too, that I was VERY hesitant about contact at first because I do understand the realities of having an infant, I may not be a mom, but I'm not dumb either. Just because someone may not be parenting doesn't mean they don't realize that you're tired, want to bond and all of those things too. That may be part of what is going on with her.

Just do what you said you would. The worst thing you can do is not follow through, that is heartbreaking. Hopefully she'll come around. Be willing to modify things with her as well. I've found out that I really don't like talking on the phone with my son's mom, so I write letters to him instead. It's much more comfortable for me and something I am able to follow through on because I don't dread it like I did making phone calls. Things change and sometimes we have to change our expectations and feelings.

And, as I tell my girls at work, remeber that you can't change how someone is, just how you feel about the situation.

[lovemy2boys]

My boys are 5 and 7...I just recently talked about some feelings with our 7 year old's first mom, because we were trying to sort through some things...

I've never talked about feelings with my 5 year olds firstmom...I am privy to a few things because her mom has said some things over the years, but because we don't want to invade C's privacy, we keep it to a minimum...

I do have to say, that my relationship with C has bloomed lately to a more comfortable level...but it has taken 5 years. She JUST started calling our house this past fall...And I have to attribute our relationship to email, because I think it gave us the opportunity to get comfortable with each other without being "right there" in person or on the phone...Phone calls are hard for her - she's very shy. Anyway, it took all this time to find our footing - but it's been totally worth it...

I think you all are doing a great job - and keep plugging away at it...Maybe things will change for you in the future!