[trixila]

A friend through my support group asked me about the benefits of adopting from an in town couple. I was unable to offer her both sides as both of my children's birthparents live way across the country. We did not plan it this way, it just worked out that way. My family is very comfortable with our situation, we have phone calls twice a year, exchange photos, etc. Both were adopted through domestic open adoptions. My son's birthmother chose us b/c we live so far away, otherwise she knew she would be doing the 'drive by on a regular basis'. Any advice from adoptive parents who have their birthparents close by? Have the benefits outweighed the disadvantages? I realize that every adoption is so very different, but surely there must be some common ties. Has having your children's birthparents and birthsiblings near by been a positive thing? Is the geographic closeness too much? I look forward to the day when my kids reconnect with their birth siblings, I have read that this relationship can be a very powerful one. But when I read the thread about the birthmother missing a dance recital, I recognized that it was one situation I did not have on my plate. What would you advise a waiting parent that had that particular choice?

[lovemy2boys]

Our youngest son's firstparents each live within 4 miles of us. There have never been any problems - no boundary issues, no "drive bys", nothing.

As the years have passed, we've built a great relationship with them - especially JD's firstmom. Contact with his firstdad basically consists of us sending him pics and letters, and him calling us 1-2 times a year and meeting him for lunch when he does call (this is within his comfort level).

And that's the beauty of our proximity. It is very easy to get together because we are so close to each other. So if JD's skating, we can call his firstmom and say "Hey - can you make it?" and she's so close that as long as she doesn't have plans, she can be there.

As I said though, this works really well because we have a mutually respectful relationship. Our relationship with our older son's firstmom is a little more challenging, so living within 4 miles may not be quite so easy...but she is within 30 miles of us, and as far as logistics, we've had no issues.

Like you said - each relationship is different...and if you (or your friend) find that there is an expectant mom in your area, I'd discuss your vision of how your OA will be from the get go.

[startedover]

I just posted on another thread about my situation. We adopted in our town. We had only mentioned adoption and already have 2 bio children and were pushing 40 when we received the call that forever changed our whole families life. A woman that knew a realitive of ours and hear we were possibliy interested in adoption did want us to adopt her child. This came as a shock 5 days before our dd birth because we were told she wanted to send this child out of town so she wouldn't chance bumping into her. As nervous as we (I) was about bio family all over our town, I thank God everyday he picked this situation. We were able to uphold some privacy from the nosey towns folks for about a year, mainly to give us and them peace. But now I wouldn't change a thing. The worse thing that has happened is the bmom asking to borrow 20 or 40 dollars a few times, paying it back most of the time. Finally after the 4th or 5th time (in 2 years) we had a conversation and resolved that issue. BUt what good has come out of it? where do I start? First our community has learned a new respect for open adoption when they see that it is working for us. We don't get together with bio family for tea every week, but we have bumped into them on occassion and we have once or twice a year made a point to get together. My dd gets to play with her bio brother. There is a bmom and bdad who see the love that surrounds the child they felt they could not provide for. My dd will always know where her beautiful eyes come from, and her bio grandpa sees her monthly or more and thinks she hung the moon. Not a bad thing at all having another person to love your child so unconditionally. If I could snap my fingers and make my child my bio child, I wouldn't do it. I have grown spritually, mentally, emontionally, and every other way you can think. I had my "Sterotype" version of a bmom and come to find out I was 99.9 percent wrong and love the fact that my dd has been the reason me and my community have matured and learned about such a love.