[September.Mom]

It's been awhile since I have been on this forum, so I doubt if anyone really remembers my story. My DD is (almost) 3 years old and we have an open adoption. Within the first three months, problems started with the birth-grandmother. She really started showing a very controlling side and would not back off no matter how much we asked. We tried to keep everything good with the BMom through all of this until about a year later when we asked BMom that we have a couple visits with just her and us (not her parents...she was 18 at this time) and things just went downhill very fast. Things got so bad that we finally just said we needed to stop visits and only send pictures/updates through the agency until DD decides she wants to see her BMom. This was back in January.

I don't know if it's the holidays or reading how much BMoms go through emotionally or just the passage of some time, but we are wanting to open up communication again.

I sent BMom an e-mail in mid-October and never got a response. Sent her another in mid-November and didn't get a response. So, a week later, I messaged her through MySpace. I wasn't completely comfortable with this, but I didn't know if she was ignoring us or if she wasn't getting the e-mails. So I told her that we were wanting to start communication again and that I had sent a couple e-mails to her Yahoo account. I said that I wasn't sure she was getting them, so that's why I was messaging through MySpace. She responded the next day saying she didn't see them, but would go now and reply from there. We've never gotten that reply from her.

So, my question is...should I e-mail her again or wait until she e-mails me? I told her in my e-mail that we wanted to open communication up again and, after a little while, maybe even visits. I asked her questions in this e-mail just to ensure I got a response. I even asked for her new address (saw she moved because her city was different in MySpace) saying that I'd send her a Christmas card with DD's 2-1/2 year pictures enclosed.

DH says to not send her anything else until she e-mails us...pretty much going with the "ball is in her court" idea. I can see where he is coming from, but yet what if she doesn't reply. We are supposed to send her updates and pictures by DD's 3rd birthday in February (which I would send out January 1st). If she doesn't reply by then, what do I do? Won't it look bad if I send things through the agency after I said that communication can be open again? But then again, won't it look bad if I don't? But yet I don't know if e-mailing her again would be too pushy.

I've thought about sending the things to her old address (which is her parents' house), but since the trouble kind of started with her mom, I'd sort of like to just have this between us and BMom for the time being...and sending the package there I really think would send the wrong message to BGma.

Any advice would be appreciated!!

[aclee]

I would say that since a semi or even open adoption was shut on her, she might be hesitiant to just start it again. I think you need to be sure that you want this open, now and forever, because to open it when you want contact, and then close it when the contact is "too much"...isn't fair to this bmom. What has changed in your lives or in hers that you feel you can make a go of this open adoption now? Are you willing to deal with bgrandma, or do you believe that situation has changed in some way? I commend you for trying to open the relationship again, but you need to keep the bmom's emotions in all of this in your mind too. To her this could feel like being pulled along on a string you know? Open when it's good for you, even multiple e-mails etc to make sure she's getting them...then closed when the open arrangement isn't going your way. Just saying...she COULD see it that way.

If you think it's just the holidays, and you'll not want contact after that, that's not really fair to her, but I would give her the option to participate in that type of arrangement if she wants to.

I would say, know what you want, and then let her know EXACTLY what you are willing to do. If contact with her is still conditional on her parents not being part of the open agreement, she needs to know that...

JMO I guess

[September.Mom]

Aclee ~~

I really think you got the wrong impression by my post. Let me clarify some things.

We never closed the adoption. It went from being open to semi-open (basically we went from e-mailing updates and pictures every month or so and visits to no visits and sending updates and pictures twice a year through the agency). We would never fully close the adoption.

I didn't really want to get into too much detail because this isn't what I wanted to concentrate on, but we stopped the communication after months of ongoing problems that escalated into untrue accusations, lies being told, name calling...and even going as far as us getting verbally attacked. So it most certainly wasn't us making a rash decision because things weren't going our way.

There are probably a lot of reasons that went into why we are trying to initiate contact again. I think the main reason is that time has passed and DH and I actually feel emotionally ready to try this again. It would be really nice to have a half-way decent relationship with BMom before DD is old enough to really understand what is going on. Plus BMom is older, has a son, and is no longer living with her parents, so we do have hopes that she has matured and grown (as have we) and that her mom won't be such a controlling factor from her end.

I just really think sending her another e-mail would come across as "pushy," but yet I'm not sure if that would be the right thing to do anyway. And, then to follow-up with that, not sure if or where to even send the package of updates and pictures if BMom doesn't reply back.

[binkybear]

I agree with your hub in that you've sent a few emails and did indeed get a response to the Myspace contact. Let her contact you when she's ready.
From what you've written the issues with bgrandmom could still be there. Playing what ifs and projecting without really knowing what exactly the truth is...bmom may have spoken to her mom and might be going over how to proceed, she could be dealing with her mom or dealing with how to tell her mom about this now. If her folks were controlling 2 years ago they may still be regardless of her age and current status with family and child. Or really simply she could be busy with her family while trying to figure out how to proceed with your invitation to continue visits again. If it was emotional for you it was probably the same for her, so there must be things for her to work out..just like you all worked them out in order to get to this point now. Give her some time to process. Send the pictures to the agency like you've been doing with a note saying what you said here...that you wanted to send directly to her and will do that when addresses are exchanged but for now you wanted for her to have them as soon as possible.

I think that's how I'd handle. Wishing the best for you all

[sambob]

I agree with DH - the ball is in her court.

[Emberbit]

I wouldn't send the stuff to BGma becuase of the trouble. If you send it to the agency, will they hold it for her? You could get the stuff together and send it to the agency and then the day you send it, send b-mom a message on myspace or by email saying that it was sent and you hope she enjoys them and that her holidays were good. Keep it light and something that doesn't actually require a response. That way, you're keepign up your end, letting her know you're not still backing away but you're not being too pushy either.

I'm always happy to get emails and pics but sometimes I rewrite my response so many times and it never gets sent. And if the emails get old, I wonder if she'll be annoyed that I took so long to respond so I don't respond at all because I can't explain why it's hard to write that response/ My daughter's adoption is really wide open...her mom calls me several times per week. But I don't initiate calls and even though I talk to her with no trouble, I still have trouble creating a written email response in any reasonable length of time.

[finallyamom0310]

I agree with DH and also sending pics and updates through the agency whether she contacts you or not. I still send updates as per my contract to the agency twice a year so that they see that I am honoring the contract. But send emails monthly, calls every so often and packets of stuff at our one visit a year.

Good luck in opening things up a bit more again. we are here if you need support.

[blessedbybug]

It is very rare for us to have mutual contact with the first families of our kids. It is rare if they respond to anything we send. But we still find a way to keep our end of the deal. I feel you still need to do what you promised and make sure she gets an update however it was that she was to get it even if she doesn't respond to the email.

The "ball is in her court" is ideal in a relationship that seems to be working but it doesn't sound like you have the ideal here. It may not be your fault but it is still your responsibility to keep up your end of the deal. If it were me, I would send the update to her yahoo account and to the agency just to make sure she has every opportunity to get it. That she knows that you tried, and so do you. And even if she does not choose to respond, you have done what you said you would do.

[SupaModel]

I agree with DH. She knows what you want now and it's up to her weather she wants more or not.

[jp4ga]

I have to side with your DH. The ball is in her court. I would not send anything or email. I would wait a few months and try again if you still feel like you want the contact to continue.

[feelingreyt]

You contacted her, now it's up to her to respond. If you keep contacting her, you may push her away completely.
I agree w/your DH, the ball is in her court now.

[rtsmom]

I agree that the ball is in her court now. If she doesn't contact you, send updates to the agency.

Janet

[thanksgivingmom]

Even with your clarification, I have to agree with Aclee. I understand completely that things were hard and I support you not wanting to get into all of them here. But her not responding to this email doesn't happen in a vaccuum.

I think it's great that you guys are "emotionally ready to try this again" but if it doesn't work (again) then you have the ability to pull back again. Even if it's not cutting off contact completely, and keeping updates through a third party, it's very much a ball in YOUR court situation. At the end of the day, you and DH get to call the shots. It's a TERRIFYING spot for a firstparent to be in. Personally, if I were her I would feel a lot of pressure right now to do everything perfectly for fear of screwing up and going back to semi-open.

That's a lot of pressure to deal with on her end.

I'm not saying you're putting pressure on her, but she may feel pressure anyway. It may not sound fair, but you may have to prove to her that you really do want the openess again. That you're committed to seeing it through - even during the very hard and emotional times.

I promise I don't mean for this to come across as harsh, but I would try to put yourself in her shoes right now.