[mondk]

Does anyone here whose birthdad isn't in the picture ever wonder about him? M.C. has provided us with some info about him, but not enough for me. I would like to just see his picture and I know Joshie has 3 half siblings that would be interesting to see their pictures too. M.C. and him are estranged from each other, although she said she was thinking about sending him a letter just to let him know that Joshie was "out there" in case Joshie ever wanted to try and find him later. He was aware of her pregnancy but told our adoption atty that he didn't think the baby was his. He was in jail when that conversation took place and didn't contest the adoption. I see a lot of M.C. in Joshie, but am just curious to see what his bdad and siblings look like. Joshie is just SOOO cute.

Anyone here in my shoes with this topic?

Blessings, Michelle

[belleinblue1978]

Not that this is the same, but my first mom provided very little information about my first dad. I'm guessing because it hurt too much to write about him. I'll never meet him because he passed on before I was born.

I saw one picture of him once, it was actually of all of my family, that was four years ago and for about thirty seconds. I wish that I could get a copy of that. I guess I'm getting at the fact that I understand your curiousity and dilemma. I hope that he comes around, because someday Joshie might want to know.

[mondk]

Belle: Exactly...I will do anything for my Joshie and if he wants to find his bdad, I will help him all I can...later on that is at the appropriate age. We do know his name and his last address...via M.C. but of course it is not my place to try to make contact. I'm secretly hoping M.C. can at least tell him Joshie is "out there" and I hope for Joshie's sake that he is at least responsive.

Blessings, Michelle

[belleinblue1978]

Me too... I wish that for every adopted person. There have been few things in my life that have hurt more than that rejection.

[lovemy2boys]

mondk,

We were in the same situation with AJ's firstdad for years...

We had minimal information, and thought about him constantly! Especially after he married and had a son (who is now a toddler)...

D (AJ's firstmom) was still VERY angry at him and wasn't open to us having a relationship with him (not that it was her choice, but we STILL wanted to be respectful to her feelings about the situation so it was hard to know what the RIGHT thing to do was...) She DID provide a last name, and I found him on myspace (lordy whoever created myspace had NO idea the millions of cans of worms he'd be opening!!) But like I said - I waited to do anything because I wanted her "blessing" I guess...

Anyway, D and I happened to be talking about M (firstfather) one day...and she said that she realized alot of the issues were not really indicative of the person he is, and said she'd like to find him and work through some things...so I told her I'd found him...

Well, she contacted him, he said he wanted to contact us (this was a year and a half ago) we had one weird, short email period last year, I thought that was it...

On one had I was glad to see pics of him and his family...glad to know a bit about his life...but really confused as to why he didn't want "more" KWIM?

Well, apparently he had been talking to D about it a bit, and she wasn't ready for us to meet, so he kind of put it out of his mind...Fast forward to a month ago, we get a call from him out of the blue, (he was in our state and his family got together with D and we obviously came up) we met him and it was great - Adam loved meeting him and his family, and so did we...

In fact, he called us yesterday for AJ's birthday! I can't even tell you what a thrill that was!!!

But it's hard, you know? We are starting this new "relationship" here - he seems unsure of himself...I don't want to push...and I KNOW D has some issues with this because one minute she wants us to have him in AJ's life, the next minute she says really inappropriate things about M...so I'm really trying to keep the relationships separate, and not involve either firstparent in my relationship with the other.

Anyway, we'll take it as it comes...and it's not easy because there is a history between D and M and I know that's going to make things hard to navigate, so I have to tread cautiously...

[ourdreamcametru]

I wonder everyday! Castle's birthdad signed and said he never wanted to be contacted. He has aspergers syndrome and his parents filled out medical information for us and sent a picture, although I don't think it was a very recent one. It's not a close up but the best I can tell, Castle looks just like him. I don't really need contact with him or his family but I would like to be able to let them know that Castle is beautiful, healthy and looks like their Son. I would also like to give them the web address to her website so they can watch her grow up. I am always hoping they will contact our attorney asking for information, they live in Washington State and we are in TN so a large distance in between. I feel your pain!

[SupaModel]

DS bf is not in the picture at all. He didnt respond to us trying to contact him. His rights were terminated by the courts. I do know his name and I actually found him on facebook!! Now everytime he changes his pic's I just saved them so at least I can show DS when he gets older.

[mommamarci]

Well, I am in that situation for both of Spencer's birth parents. We have never met or spoken to either and I have no pictures. I hate that I canot ever even tell him what either parent looked like...

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by mommamarci

Well, I am in that situation for both of Spencer's birth parents. We have never met or spoken to either and I have no pictures. I hate that I canot ever even tell him what either parent looked like...

Me too. I know that he will probably want to know and I wish I could give that to him. But we don't have any info at all on his bdad. I have one very poor picture of his bmom and some info, but it's a long shot that he will ever be able to have contact with her either. It's one of those things that I really wish I could fix for him - but I can't.

[yehudit]

Hi Michelle,
We know nothing about DD's birthdad. Actually, her birthmom doesn't even know who it is and as a consequece we aren't sure of her race. There are 2 possibilities -- one is AA, the other is Hispanic. DD is gorgeous regardless, but I do wish we knew so we could give her info when she wants it. We did not have the opportunity to meet her birthmom, but DD does have a few 1/2 siblings out there and I would love to meet them but now is not the right time.
Good luck,

[Shadowfaerie]

Yes. Our son's birthdad was planning on being in the picture, he wanted an open adoption and even spoke to our agency, but then he never signed any paperwork and vanished. He also has another son. I hope my son will know him and his brother someday. Since I know what my son's birthmom looks like, if he has some differing feature I assume it came from his dad.

[sheababy]

Yes, but I'm worse off-don't know who the bdad is. It's strange because I am also adopted with no information about my bdad. I never wondered because my aparents didn't talk about him from an early age (they didn't have any info). It's just something I have accepted. But if there was a way of finding out I would love to have some info.

[Suziebearhugs]

Why is it not your place to contact him?

Why is it up to Joshie's birthmom to decide when/if he has any contact with his birthfather or birth siblings and why should seh be the one to initiate it or have any say in it?

Sounds to me like that is your responsibility as Joshie's mother to decide.

You said he was aware of the pregnancy and the adoption. So it's not like you'd be coming out of the blue telling him he has a child and unvaling this huge secret that will ruin his birthmom's life.

If you'd like to contact him and try and attempt some kind of communication for Joshie then go ahead.

You may want to let his birthmom know your making contact just so she is aware, but her permission wouldn't be required.

I also would not choose to use her as a middle man. What ever contact she decides to have or not have with him should be seperate from the contact you decide to have with him, in regards to Joshie.

[sbaglio]

Why is it not your place to contact him?

Why is it up to Joshie's birthmom to decide when/if he has any contact with his birthfather or birth siblings and why should seh be the one to initiate it or have any say in it?

The way I see it is this: you have a relationship with your DS' bmom that is active and important to you. If contacting someone whom you don't know, for an outcome you cannot predict, will jeopardize your relationship with DS' bmom, why risk it? Unless there is some essential piece of medical information that you absolutely must have from your DS' bfather, I agree with your approach of taking things slowly and following the bmom's lead in this.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by sbaglio

The way I see it is this: you have a relationship with your DS' bmom that is active and important to you. If contacting someone whom you don't know, for an outcome you cannot predict, will jeopardize your relationship with DS' bmom, why risk it? Unless there is some essential piece of medical information that you absolutely must have from your DS' bfather, I agree with your approach of taking things slowly and following the bmom's lead in this.

This is exactly why we waited...Our relationship with D was the primary relationship...M (the firstfather) requested a closed adoption in the beginning, but never signed the paperwork to make it official...Our relationship with D was always a bit rocky, and adding this added element would have just added extra stress...So we let her take the lead...

However, if AJ was old enough to make his own decision and it was something he wanted, then HIS needs would have come first regardless...