[zxczxcasdasd]

Is it completely unheard of for a young man to be- dare I even use the word?- virtuous?

I am so steamed right now! J has been pledging a fraternity all semester (soph year, we asked him to take a year to make the decision) that is supposedly the "gentlemanly" fraternity. It's been fairly lame, but mostly okay. But the past 48 hours have been total crap.

The day before yesterday, it got around to the pledgemaster that J is a virgin. He immediately told J that as part of the pledge process they would be taking him to the Bunny Ranch in Nevada. J flat out refused and said he had a girlfriend of 2 yrs and if he was going to have sex for the first time it certainly wouldn't be with a prostitute. In reaction, while J was sleeping they posted on his facebook wall that his girlfriend was lame for not "letting" him go. J was woken up to a furious gf and her furious mother who thought J had said exactly what they posted- that she wouldn't "let" him go and was complaining she wouldn't have sex with him- when all he was doing was respecting her and their joint decision.

So it took a day to get that straightened out.

Topic came up with the guys again today at lunch. J expressed his opinion that strip clubs and such places exploit women and he would never participate in it by going to one. One frat "brother" immediately took this as J saying he was better than everyone else and was insulting him (who obviously does go to those places). He blew his top, grabbed J by the arms, threatened to beat him up, posted a nasty status on his facebook where all the rest of the so-called "brothers" filled the guy's facebook wall with horribly nasty insults directed at J. (which I saw and made me sick to my stomach)

I mean really? It's THAT scandalous to actually be abstinent and think that strip clubs are exploitative? Really? That's "gentlemanly" behavior?

The guy called in the evening to apologize for losing his temper and said he'd removed all the insults and called everyone who's posted them and told them he was wrong and J had never said the things they were attributing to him and he was a good guy.

But really, this is not the first time. Over the past 3 semesters of college, J has been punched, threatened, attacked, insulted and ganged up on because he's not sexually active yet by his own choice, doesn't use drugs, and is a Christian. (pick one as the reason du jour)

J has NEVER said that everyone else needs to make the same choices or that anyone else is bad for choosing differently. He's merely said what his choices are and what he believes...and it makes people that angry.

I want to throw up on the whole world out of disgust.

[binkybear]

J sounds like an amazing young man. The world today stinks and for a young man to have such a sense of self will make those who are so unsure of themselves act like these boys did. (and make no mistake I'm intentionally using man and boys in those sentences). It's not fair that all of this is happening, 3 semesters worth of intolerance. But I'm sure J knows that evil will and can present itself in any form and unfortunatly these boys are playing the devils hand in trying to tempt him from his solid beliefs. Shame for and on those stupid boys.

[melissa_bear003]

Well, J could most certainly press harrassment charges...but being a young man pledging a frat, I doubt thats something he'd be comfortable with.

Jealousy kills me...which is EXACTLY what is motivating these other young men. Jealous of the fact that J is comfortable, confident, and isn't going to be swayed, give up his morals and values for anyone.

You must be incredibly proud of your son. I would be.

Course, I'd also wanna go down and kick some frat brother tail too

[bromanchik]

Wow! Your son sounds like an amazing guy. You must be so proud of him.

Sounds like the frat guys might be trying to justify their actions through the group think approach. Sad, so sad.

[wellnow]

As someone that pledged in a sorority, it doesn't amaze me that the other guys are being so rude and mean towards your son..the whole "we are as one" concept goes a long way with some people and they think that everyone must have the same experiences in order to be true "brothers or sisters"...

Your sons morals/values are excellent and you should be proud that he has stood his ground...there a LOT of incidents where young men and women have been "pressured" into doing things that they don't want to do in order to be "part" of the "family"...and they end up in jail, the hospital and worse case, dead....

I applaud your son...he is going to be a great person in our society!!!!!

[Stormster]

I don't think "kids" do well when they can't influence their peers. So the pressure increases. How nasty though, this got way out of control!

Those boys will be ashamed when they remember this down the line and your son (and you) are on the right track!

[zxczxcasdasd]

Thanks guys. I had to get out of the house last night to distract myself and calm down so I didn't become a raging mommy.

Sounds like the frat guys might be trying to justify their actions through the group think approach

Yeah, this is always what has concerned me about the whole frat thing. It can just seem a little like Lord of the Flies at times. ;p Of course, hubby was in a frat at USC, but since he founded the chapter there, he never had to go through the pledge process.

Hubby was ready to kick some Greek hiney last night. He told J he wouldn't interfere unless J asked, but he has got his back anytime anyday and would happily have some man-to-man with the guy who lost his temper, the chapter president or the head of greek life. (and hubby is a baaaad buff dude and one protective papa- don't mess with his boys. He once made a guy's lip quiver at the veeerrry close "conversation" he had with a guy who intentionally tripped one of J's friends when they were out celebrating J's 16th bday. )

Really, J is the last person in the world to judge. Umm, his parents are only 16 and 18 yrs older than him. It's just that he and his couple closest friends are committed to waiting as long a possible because that's what they want to do for themselves. I asked J last night if he ever thought not having sex or not doing drugs would be so hazardous to his health. He said "NO! I didn't!" We had a good laugh about that one.

I told J I was proud to be his mama rather than the mama of one of the boys who posted that nasty stuff on the internet or the guy who blew up in defense of strip clubs.

He's not perfect by a long shot. He can be lazy, self-centered, emotional. But one thing he does do well is stand up for himself and what he believes. He does respect women and conduct himself like gentleman. I remember him asking me in the 8th grade if kissing a girl was a "gentlemanly" thing to do. I told him it all depended on who it was and how you did it.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I don't think "kids" do well when they can't influence their peers. So the pressure increases.

You could be right here. J said he really didn't get any peer pressure in high school, because each group pretty much kept out of other peoples' business and his group was fairly like-minded. But he said in college, the direct, aggressive pressure from multiple directions has been unbelievable. It's been like it's a challenge to see who can get him to give in or give up. It's an affront to them that he doesn't participate. Weird.

My college experience was so different. I never went through anything like that, and it makes me so sad for him.

[KLL08]

I applaud your son for standing firm in his beliefs! I hope that hubby and I instill the same beliefs into our children and that they will one day stand firm like him!

[joskids]

I stand up and applaud him loudly. I'm so disgusted with young men who have no sense of responsibility. You have MUCH to be proud of. I know, coming from an old "fuddy-duddy" like me, it probably wouldn't mean much -- but tell him the world needs more young men just like him. My husband belonged to a fraternity in college and it was NOTHING like you describe or he never would have stayed. You have one, terrific son. He will go far where others will fail.

[tomandcate]

I am so sorry he had to go through this.

As the mother of two young boys I want to (a) say congratulations to you as parents and to him for standing up for his convictions/beliefs and (b) ask how you instilled such strength of character in him?! It was hard enough for me to "let go" of my oldest (now 4) when he went to pre-school last fall and now he's learning words like "stupid," which he hasn't heard until now, and just that insignificant of a thing is enough to break my heart. Honestly I don't know how I'll survive middle school through college!

Cate

[MamaS]

You should be very proud of him and so should his father. But, a word of caution. His "so-called frat brothers" will probably keep up the pressure. In fact, he can expect it to escalate. "What, you won't have sex with a woman? Then you must be a *****!" The only way to prove you aren't a ***** is to have sex with a woman." Maybe you can give him a "heads up" so he can be prepared with his answer to this piece of logic!

[JustCourtney]

Please tell me that this has opened his eyes, and he has realized that these "friends" are not in any way, shape, or form, his friends and that he will not be joining the frat!

Why would you subject yourself to that kind of abuse a second time? Because unless he caves to their pressure, there is bound to be a repeat!

Best of luck to your whole family in this time of crisis!

[zxczxcasdasd]

Mama S, it's a daily occurrence already. Several guys constantly say he's obviously homosexual since he hasn't gone there with a girl, and he just lets it roll right off. Seriously, J says it happens every single day, and it doesn't bother him one bit. He knows who he is and has no need to "prove" his sexuality to anyone, especially to stupid guys who like to mouth off.

Courtney, I WISH I could say he dropped out on the spot, but he's trying to see how the leadership responds before he pulls the final plug, because he can always drop out, but he can't ever rejoin if he does. I've never been in favor of it, but I've been letting him make the call on it, because he is 19 and he already waited a year to decide because we asked him to. He's trying to figure out whether this is just a few rotten apples or a whole rotten barrel.

Today, another guy sent out a mass email to the chapter, again insulting J. In response, J drafted and sent a very direct letter (on his own- told me about it later this evening) to the chapter president and told him he needed to get his guys under control or J would pursue any action needed in his own defense, including involving college administration or legal action, if necessary. He said he was confident that he had his family behind him in any action he wished to pursue (he sure does). He said, "This is not a threat, this is the defense of my character and I will go to whatever lengths necessary to defend it."

He soon after got a phone call from the guy who wrote the email, apologizing. At this point, J is satisfied that he sent the clear message that he will not be messed with. For my part, I'm still concerned about the damage done by what was out there being read by who knows how many people. For me, the perps apologizing doesn't make what they did disappear. You can be sorry you smeared someone's name...but the name stays smeared. J thinks anyone who knows him knows it's not true and he doesn't care what strangers think. I'm not so cavalier about it. But he's been handling it fine on his own, so I'm not going to interject myself unless he calls me in as backup. I'll just be the T'd off mama.

[JustCourtney]

Sounds like you've done a great job of empowering your son! I am sure you are very proud of him for standing up for himself like has been, and should be!

I never cease to be amazed at the callousness of other people - particularly the young. I would have hoped, though, that by college they might have outgrown some the bullying and foolishness. You would think that they have better things to do!!! If I had any say in the matter, some serious community service hours would be in order for the boys who have been driving these attacks. Maybe help them get a little perspective and see past themselves!

Can you tell this has gotten me a bit fired up?