[finallyamom0310]

I just wanted to say that your son sounds like a wonderful man and you are a great mother for bringing him up the way you have. I am so sorry he is experiencing this during his college years where memories are made.

[thanksgivingmom]

H, I hate that J is going through this.

When I rushed a sorority, I was not a virgin, but was in an exclusive committed relationship with my HS boyfriend - who I lost my virginity to freshman year of college (how's all that for TMI???) ANYWAY, we always would have "date" parties, where it was a party somewhere fun, like an ice rink or something, and only my sorority and another frat were invited. We were expected to go with "dates" from the frat - just for fun of course.

Not.

I wasn't comfortable with the idea of even pretending to date one of the other guys for just one night. Even if there wasn't any funny business. I was given such a hard time about not participating, and then eventually about not dating a Greek in the first place. (Like I was going to dump my bf of a couple years because I joined a sorority???)

It wasn't as intense as what it sounds like J is going through, but I was called all kinds of things (prude, etc.) because I had only had sex with one guy ( ) and because I wasn't "part of the group" because I wouldn't participate in things like date night or "Grab a Date."

In the end I broke up with my bf for my own reasons completely seperate from the sorority....but I also dropped out of the sorority when I saw how differently I was treated once I did participate in a "Grab a Date" night. To be honest, it was FUN! But that's because I was single and it was MY CHOICE.

I knew that if people were going to treat me differently because of something like dating a Greek, they weren't my crowd.

It took a while for me to leave, but I held my ground and stayed true to me. If J feels like he needs to stick around for a while, maybe he does....he can't change their system if he leaves. But if he stays and shows them resistence (possibly the first time they receive it!) he might make a difference for the next batch of kids pledging.

(((((((hugs to J and you H!!!!)))))))

(Sorry for the rambling!!!)

[zxczxcasdasd]

Good for you, TG!!

I just cannot even fathom anyone thinking they could command sexual activity for someone else. It's crazy to me. Ugh.

[zxczxcasdasd]

And to everyone who's responded: Thank you for your kind sweet words and encouragement. I was just so steamed I had to get it out without raging around the house. You all made my day.

[Whistler]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

...

But really, this is not the first time. Over the past 3 semesters of college, J has been punched, threatened, attacked, insulted and ganged up on because he's not sexually active yet by his own choice, doesn't use drugs, and is a Christian. (pick one as the reason du jour)

...

I want to throw up on the whole world out of disgust.

It's tough to be a Christian in a non-Christian college. BUT... it sounds like he needs to find a new group of people to hang out with. If his frat treats him that bad, does he really want to be in it? There are lots of other choices...dorms, apartments, etc. where he can find and hang with a group of Christian guys who will applaud him for choosing what he's chosen rather than belittle him.

Most colleges have Campus Crusade or Intervarsity or Chi Alpha or Baptist Student Ministries or... pick your group of students who will support each other rather than pull the kind of crap he's having to deal with right now.

[devildogwife]

I'm with whistler and have been wondering that too. Why is he wanting to be a part of that frat when he's being treated like that? Help me understand.

[zxczxcasdasd]

He's all through the pledge process now except for the final exam and the initiation. I think he's just being very slow to drop because he can drop at anytime but it's not reversible. I personally don't get it and I'm with you girls. For his part, he's satisfied with standing his ground on the issue, but continuing on at this point, vs walking away. I would have voted for walking away, like you.

His college REALLY PUSHES greek life. And I mean REALLY PUSHES. A whopping 70% of the student body are in a frat or sorority. I kid you not. And the administration is really behind it. The first thing his advisor told him to do as a brand new frosh was to join a frat. I hit the roof at that so-called "academic advising" and told him he had to wait a year to see if it's really what he wanted. Nearly all on-campus fun activities revolve around frat functions.

Also, there is pitifully no ministry presence on campus. Because this school began as a denominational school and is officially affiliated with a denomination (Disciples of Christ/Christian Church) all the other churches completely ignore it and don't have a presence there like they do at the big public universities. There are 17 different Christian groups at UCLA, with full time campus pastors dedicated to on-campus ministry. At his university, there are a couple really wimpy bible studies and that's it. Seriously, I have looked and looked. But the school is SO determined to make it crystal clear that despite their affiliation they are NOT a Christian school, they bend over backwards to be practically anti-Christian. So it's like his particular school has somehow fallen into the chasm with the net result of no Christian support system.

J has actually met with 2 different youth pastors in the county a couple times each about starting up on-campus ministries there, and they've talked a good game and seemed enthusiastic, but done nothing. We've even talked about him just starting something on his own, but he really doesn't want to take on the organizational and leadership burden as a 19-yr old with a full load of classes when there are pastors all around who are trained and paid to be able to do that. It's just that none of them have yet.

I've really not been happy with his school overall so far. I was so prepared to be on the parent council and get season tickets and support the school, but with everything that's happened, I've refused to give them a cent above what we owe for tuition and fees.

But I always told J that college would be his choice and his choice alone and I'm going to honor that even if it rankles me. I've always felt that choice of college is one of the first highly impactful, self-determining decisions that a young person gets to make for the direction of their lives. It's where he chose and I thought I would like it, but I hate it so far. But I got to choose where I went so I won't take that from him. But I don't have to be chipper and like it and I sure don't...at this point at least. I hope someday I can look back and there will be some grand reason why it's so good that he went there because some wonderful good came of it. I can't see that now, but I'm still hoping.

[thanksgivingmom]

The president of our school always REALLY pushed greek life. He said that you're not getting a full education if you just show up to class and go home. He was all about sports, frats, clubs, the whole experience....so I totally get the pushing for involvement in all areas.

Also, and I know this sounds CRAZY...but if you're strong and want to hold your ground, there's a lot of good you can do too....our frats and sororities were super philanthropic, two girls were on safe driver duty every Thursday-Saturday night to go pick up other girls if needed, there were people who had taken courses before you that would help you study, all kinds of stuff that WERE really good. And for my group, after the actual final initiation, most of the girls backed off (and it was that way for the frats too, at least on my campus). In the end, for ME, I just couldn't deal with the whole "we're mean to you until we're officially sisters, but then we're BFF, except we still want you to dump your bf and date a greek, we're just going to be nicer about it." I thought it was lame and left.

I sure hope they lay off J soon....or I might just have to make a trip south and kick some frat boy butt.