[nurse_reedle]

That even if we get a placement that the baby is going to be taken from us for some reason at the last minute. That we will think somehting is inconsquential or that we will forget something or make a decision the e-mom doesn't like but never discussed (especially if we never even thought about discussing it!) and the baby will be taken from us. I used to have all these fears so extreme that we went with international adoption the first time...I felt much better this time around about domestic adoption and have had a lot of peace about our decision. I feel like that rug was just ripped out from under me. I have known all along there could be problems, a changed mind...all kinds of things...but thinking about a baby already with us and then losing it...that makes me so sad. I know it happens. Now I am PETRIFIED that it will be because of something *we* will do if it happens.

[lovemy2boys]

No - don't feel that way...

Seriously - the right match is out there for you...

You just have to be as honest as you can, which I know you will...

Adoption is a leap of faith...We all have fears just like you're experiencing...but you have to take that leap...

That's what we're here for - to help each other get through this!

[belleinblue1978]

I'm sorry I gave you that fear..... To me, breastfeeding is a deal breaker. If you used a kind of diaper I didn't like, well that is my problem. Something HUGE though, like breastfeeding, that would have made me change my mind. Know why? Because I did ask my child's adoptive mom and she knew I didn't like it. If she would have taken him home and breastfed him after she told me she didn't plan on that.... can you see that?

I think you need to think about what you consider the BIG things that you really care about. Chances are an expectant parent thinks those are really important too. So talk about them. I'll be honest, agencies and attorneys don't always give the best advice about what to discuss.

You have to understand too that I am adopted and I have been active in adoption reform for quite awhile. I knew what I wanted for my son and I made sure that I matched with people that wanted those things too.

[Mommy24]

If I believe in anything I believe that if it is meant to be it will be!

Be honest, be yourself, research your options and don't give up.....and remember adoption is about finding homes for babies and yours is open and ready, your baby will find his/her way to you.

Best of luck!

[calee]

I agree-the right match is really important. Sometimes a-parents (and e-parents) agree to something they are not comfortable with because they really want to match. If you are able to keep your head above that, and to be as open and honest and transparent as possible, then at least on your end there should not be major surprises.

[nurse_reedle]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

I'm sorry I gave you that fear..... To me, breastfeeding is a deal breaker. If you used a kind of diaper I didn't like, well that is my problem. Something HUGE though, like breastfeeding, that would have made me change my mind. Know why? Because I did ask my child's adoptive mom and she knew I didn't like it. If she would have taken him home and breastfed him after she told me she didn't plan on that.... can you see that?

I think you need to think about what you consider the BIG things that you really care about. Chances are an expectant parent thinks those are really important too. So talk about them. I'll be honest, agencies and attorneys don't always give the best advice about what to discuss.

You have to understand too that I am adopted and I have been active in adoption reform for quite awhile. I knew what I wanted for my son and I made sure that I matched with people that wanted those things too.

I definitely can see what youa re saying, especially in light of the fact that you asked her. And I am not saying that it should be "hidden" I just didn't know if e-moms considered it something they "didn't want to know about" or something big.

You did scare me to death. Like crying and feeling my heart pound kind of scared. I would *never* lie to an e-mom to try and keep a baby she would otherwise not have placed with us. I would never intentionally lie by omission with the intent to decieve either.

[melissa_bear003]

I think what it comes down to is this: be very clear on the issues that are non-negotiable to you. It may take longer to find a match (or not! Who knows, really?) but once you DO find that match, you know that its a solid one, built on a foundation of like minded opinions on subjects important to you.

We intend to adopt via CPS, but I know from reading here what a roller coaster infant adoption can be. Be as clear and open as you can be, and sooner or later, things will happen for you.

[abensonslaton]

There are states out there where the mom can't change her mom after she signs the paper example The state of Oregon. My son was born in Oregon and we knew she couldn't change her mind once she signed the paper. In my case we were orginally going to adopt from Guatamala but they closed 2003 this chance happen upon us as I was dead set against domestic for various reasons which all seem familiar and others seem silly now. We have a good open adoption which I am truly grateful. We were honest in all our answers to questions like could they name the baby. Our answer .... well we have a name picked out it's a good one so we think and this is why. Luckily they loved it just wanted to ask etc. We agreed on pretty much else and talked about stuff as it came up stuff that wasn't as important to us obviously didn't come up and stuff we wanted did. It's like a marriage sometimes it comes down to compromise. Good luck in your search.
Angela

[binkybear]

There's another thread out here about things you've learned in life.
Take everything with a grain of salt. (that it should not be blindly accepted and believed without any doubt or reservation). This forum is a very small cross section of adoption and your child's emom is not here giving you advice. You have nothing to worry about if you are being yourself and disclosing those things that are important to you. And now that you know these things you can ask emom questions if she doesn't ask them of you. Be proactive so there's no reactive to fear. Don't worry and don't second guess yourself. ((HUGS))

[startedover]

I hope you have relaxed . The birthmom will address everything important to her. I don't think birthmoms are looking for PAP that are going to leave her a loop hole to "take the baby back" as you said, but I think they (and I am not nor have ever placed a child for adoption) are looking for someone they know they WON't worry is going to do things totally opposite from them. They are looking for a match just as you are. They will ask you about anything that is important to them and then you will know if it is a match. Breastfeeding will probably be important to some bmom, but to others it may not. And to some, they may be glad you are willing to do something that will take alot of work to get going, but that you love that child enough already, to be looking at anything you can do for that child.

[megaphonemo]

I don't mean to freak you out more, but disruptions do happen. We had a baby home for a weekend, told everyone, thought it was a "go" and the bmom changed her mind. She had not signed and it was her perogative. Did that baby deserve any less to be loved for that weekend? NO. Were we right to become attached? YES. Did her bmom love the H*LL out of her? YES again. DID IT SUCK AND HURT MORE THAN I HAVE EVER HURT BEFORE?? YOU BET!! We know she is in a good home and like to think that she needed us for a few days... We cried and went back in the books the next day for fear of being out and missing another chance. A few months later, DD#2 came home to us, and she is sooooo one of us.... We think of that first baby often and hope she is doing well.

Like I said, don't want to freak you out more, but it does happen, and most times it is not about you, but about what the bfamily has going on, so don't take it personally.

Mega

[Stormster]

I've seen a lot and never saw a placement disrupt because of the kinds of reasons you describe. You should have a healthy awareness that mom or dad can change their minds but after TPR is signed it's pretty unusual.

Try to relax. The odds are not against you at all. i've had a placement disrupt. I survived it and I'd go through it all again. You'll be fine. And if for some reason you ARE in the minority, you'll still be fine! TRUST ME.

[blessedbybug]

This is why I think unbiased counseling is important for everyone. You need to know what your is most important to you just as much as understanding what an expecting parents considers important. Communication is primary in adoption relationships, and having the hard conversations are a part of it, and as I can attest to, those hard conversations surrounding the time of the birth of a child are only the beginning. If there isn't a willingness by either party to be honest about their hopes and fears, then there isn't a strong foundation in place on which to build a future relationship. Fear will take over all of it and it won't work. If one or the other side withholds their wishes and desires out of fear of messing something up, and the match works out, believe me, it will only get messier as time goes on.

The fact is that it is possible for a match to fall apart at the last minute over something small or big. That is a part of adoption and it is hard but it is reality. And if it falls apart and the new mother chooses to parent then that is just how it is. Matches that don't work out are always a possibility and for all of us, are a possibility that is scary because our hearts are on the line too. But in the end, the child needs to be where his/her new parents want him/her. Adoption is ultimately a parenting choice for the expecting/new/first parent. He/she needs to know it all to make that decision. And you, and a waiting family need to know it all in order to make your decision.

[elledarcy]

I'm not sure what state you're in, but after TPR is signed there is almost no way the bmom can come back in and asked for the child back or for him or her to be placed with another family. Neglecting to say that you were planning on breastfeeding is certainly not a legitimate "loophole."

I didn't feel I needed to discuss everything with my DD's bmom before placement either. Like you said, if she asked I wouldn't lie, but if she didn't ask, possibly it was not important to her and I didn’t feel the need to go over my entire parenting plan with her (which would have been exhausting for both me and her).

My DD's bfamily has different politics and ideas about child rearing. That is fine. But DD is being raised by us and as her mother I don't have to consult them on every situation (we're going to use cloth diapers, is that okay? we don’t allow co-sleeping, is that all right with you? we're voting democrat, are you comfortable with that?) You were right when you said in your other thread that an emom is choosing you to parent and she is relinquishing her right to make decisions for her child after placement. She cannot come in afterwards and say “but I wanted them to parent like this.” Talk to your agency/lawyer to clarify the laws in your state if you’re really worried if a child could be “taken back” because the bparent disagreed with your parenting decisions after TPR was signed.

I’ll also say this and will probably get beat up for it, but breastfeeding is about what’s best for your child. Emoms should try to look at it this way to instead of trying to “keep” something special and biological for themselves. There is a health benefit and a bonding benefit. Don’t we want our kids to be healthy and happily settled with their families? It’s primarily about the child, not about the amom or emom.

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by elledarcy

I'm not sure what state you're in, but after TPR is signed there is almost no way the bmom can come back in and asked for the child back or for him or her to be placed with another family. .

That all depends on the state. After my son's birth mom TPR'd (in court even!), she still had a month to revoke her consent and get him back, no questions asked. So did his birth dad and 3 tribes! I know other posters have had longer waits. Remember for some states, their still can be a lengthy revocation period after TPR.

Nurse_reedle-that was the most nervewracking month of my life waiting for that. However, I'd do it again in a heart beat. Yes it's scary, it's terrifying to fall in love with a child that you have 0 legal rights to. But it's worth it! Domestic adoptions can go well! It has gone well for us, so well that we'll probably do it again sometime. Honestly, I just had to trust God. I trusted that things would turn out how they were meant to.