[trooluv614]

This is my first post and I've searched all over this site and couldn't find one similar to my situation. PLEASE HELP!

My husband and I have been married for 5 and 1/2 years. We've tried constantly since we got married to have a bio child and have had no luck, unless you consider the miscarriage we had more than 3 years ago.

For as long as I can remember, all I've wanted was to be a mother!

A few months back, I was talking with a woman at work who mentioned that her best friend's daughter was pregnant and had made the choice to create an adoption plan for him so that he could have a better life than she felt she could provide.

Without giving it a second thought I said, "I'll adopt him!" This even caught me off guard because my husband and I had never really discussed the possibility. To my excitement, he was totally on board. Three months later, we have an attorney in their state and our home study is in two days.

I've been speaking via phone and email with the birth mom who is just as sweet as she could possibly be and puts my mind at ease when I wonder if she will really be able to go through with the adoption when he is born in January.

I really feel blessed that this is all happening so smoothly and I truly feel that God is making all of this happen.

The problem is, I've been having what I refer to as panic attacks when I think about certain things, namely the money and the fact that my entire comfortable home life is about to be flipped upside down.

The strangest thing is, the panic attacks only come at night (or at 4am!). While I'm having one, I feel certain that this is all wrong, but when I'm thinking rationally again, all of the joy and excitment comes flooding back to me. I would say that 80% of the time, I am ecstatic!

My husband thinks it's just because we have two months to get everything ready and done and not the usual nine months. I want to share his certainty, but during one of the attacks I can't think logically about the situation.

Are these normal feelings or am I just a selfish/horrible person for fearing the change that a child brings?

I really need some "been there, done that" advice. How can I be sure I'm making the right decision?

I'm sorry this is so long...

[melissa_bear003]

I haven't adopted yet, but I do have kids, and I can honestly tell you that with every one of my kids there was a time late in my pregnancy where I'd wonder what in the blue blazes I was thinking, how could I possibly do this, I must be insane, etc.

So I'd say that your nerves are totally normal, ESPECIALLY since its been such a quick process!

[trooluv614]

That makes me feel better...thank you!

[Shadowfaerie]

I don't think being a "selfish/horrible" person really is a factor here. You're probably just having some anxiety because it's such sudden change. For me, we were matched with an expectant mom a week after we submitted our profile and our son was born a week later. I suffered with depression once he was home and it lasted for months. Everything just happened so fast I didn't have a moment to catch my breath. But it all worked out, I can't imagine my life without Mr. Hamface, and I've NEVER loved anyone more than I love him.

I think a little anxiety in this situation is completely normal.

[SupaModel]

I agree I think your normal. Now get ready because it doesn't just go away when baby is born. You still have TPR, Finalization etc...

I was a mess for 7 months!!!

[trooluv614]

I'm glad that you pointed out it doesn't change overnight...I often wonder if I'll suddenly feel completely at peace the second he's in my arms...I just don't want to set myself up for failure if I'm still nervous!

[lovemy2boys]

I think the pp's pointed out some great points...and they're right - it doesn't just magically go away when your little one is home...(wish I would have been prepared for that - haha)

This is a great place to come for support - a place where there are other men/women going through the same things.

Keep posting, and keep us updated!

[sambob]

Your feelings are totally normal. It sounds like, in your heart of hearts, this is what you really want to do. You're panicking because it's all happening so quickly and there is a lot of uncertainty.

[startedover]

Thankfully I didn't have but 5 days to prepare. Kind of like you I said "I want to adopt that baby" and BAMB.
I remeber crying so hard on one of those nights thinking , what am I doing my husband is going to have to work till he in 80. WE WILL have one in college in our 60's. Thankfully that night my answer came very loud and clear and the peace did sweep over me, BUT there were always those twinges of "age, money, society ext" And even after you get your baby home, you may find one day you miss "your old life". that doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. ANd for every time you worry between now and whenever, there will be 1,000 wonderful worryfree thoughts.

[melissa_bear003]

About that 'old life' comment...I can pretty much guarantee that there will come a moment, perhaps the 234th interuppted night of sleep where you remember with great fondness those long ago and far away nights of solid sleep.

Or, when you have (FINALLY!) a sitter you trust to mind Jr for the evening, and just as you're about to walk out the door, he pukes on you, the cat, and the wall.

It will happen, it IS normal, and totally ok.

[binkybear]

It happens! My gosh it happens during pregnancy too, never mind all aspects of life for all kinds of people. You're fine I've heard lot of pregnant friends talk about the panic and what ifs that wake them up or hit them suddenly out of nowhere...what if they're not a good mom, what if they're lives change too much, etc.
This is a big deal and totally normal for you to feel this way. Keep talking to your hub about it, it's always good to talk through it and get what you're feeling off your chest. better than letting it dwell inside of you.

[devildogwife]

Totally normal. For me, it didn't go away the first time I held my son. I barely had time to think. In fact, last month when my son turned a year old, was truly the first time I felt like I could exhale and maybe relax. That was def due to his health and not his adoption, but still.

[meghann]

Totally normal, and from what I am told, not even really adoption related. Everyone I know who has kids says they pretty much had the same "Holy crap - what am I doing??" thoughts while they were expecting.

It doesn't go away once you have your baby in your arms - if anything, it got momentarily worse for me. We've had our daughter home nearly a week & I still look at her once in a while & think, "Whatever in the world made me think I was prepared for this??" but it's a fleeting thought at this point. In the car driving home from hospital with her I was terrified.

Change is difficult, and very little will ever change your life so suddenly and completely than becoming a parent. You'd be strange if you *weren't* anxious about such a tremendous change in your life that brings with it such a huge responsibility.

[Saya]

You sound exactly like I did in the month or two before our daughter came home - and we'd been in the adoption process for over a year. YES these are normal feelings. And yes, no matter how much I love my daughter and she's the center of my world, I still sometimes miss our simpler, childless life. BUT I wouldn't change a thing - it's well worth it.

I have exactly the same feelings right now as we finish our homestudy for #2 - even more so because now I really know how hard being a parent is!

[sheababy]

It is a sudden change. We had only less than 24 hours from when we were chosen to when we picked up DD at the hospital. Although we had been waiting you will never be totally prepared for this life change. I think that's true even with bio kids. No matter how much you plan for everything, something(s) will be a total surprise.

DH and I have had some rough moments the first year or so realizing it is not about us anymore! But do we wish DD had not come along? NEVER!!! She is the most amazing thing that has happened to us.

If you are feeling anxious, try to do something constructive. If it's about money, sit down and work on your budget with the baby in mind. Worried about how to care for DS first aid etc? Take a parenting or CPR class.

Yes it's a big change and your feelings are normal. You will know you made the right decision when you set eyes on your precious child.