[nurse_reedle]

How did you handle breastfeeding with your expectant moms? Did you even discuss it?

Birth moms, would have wanted to know?

Thanks!

[Shadowfaerie]

We did have a total of one phone call with our son's birthmom and it was never mentioned by either of us. The match happened so fast it was just a whirlwind. In retrospect I do wonder if she breastfed him at all, I actually hope she did to pass her immunities on to him. I doubt it though, he came with a diaper-bag full of formula from the hospital.

[nurse_reedle]

I am already breastfeeding my son and plan to breastfeed the next baby ( and am already working toward that goal). So it isn't a matter of *if* I do it...just a matter of whether or not to discuss it.

I don't know if I want to discuss it with her honestly. I don't know if it would be considered a "bad secret" if I didn't tell her, or TMI if I did, jeopardizing the placement unnecessarily. I just don't know.

[melissa_bear003]

There's a forum just for breastfeeding adoptive moms. You might want to cross post there too, in case some women who have experience with it may not check this board.

[nurse_reedle]

Thanks! I will do that!

[belleinblue1978]

How could you not discuss that? I wouldn't have matched with someone that wanted to breastfeed. If you want to, fine, but I wouldn't have been comfortable with that for my child. If I found out later that was what the adoptive mother wanted, and it was pre TPR, I don't care if babe was already home, I would have had my child moved.

Not discussing that, in my opion, is tatamount to lying by omission. If you want the truth from an expectant mom she deserves the same from you.

This is the second thing you have mentioned not discussing. You need to think long and hard I think if an open domestic adoption is really for you. You can find expectant moms that have the same desires as you, but you need to talkk about them, you can't sweep things that major under the rug and not expect there to be problems later on.

[loveajax]

belle, i'm curious why you would feel that way? I think I would discuss it only because it's probably not the ''norm'' (i didn't choose...or want to ...breastfeed but I'm curious what the ''concern'' would be.).

[binkybear]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

How could you not discuss that? I wouldn't have matched with someone that wanted to breastfeed. If you want to, fine, but I wouldn't have been comfortable with that for my child. If I found out later that was what the adoptive mother wanted, and it was pre TPR, I don't care if babe was already home, I would have had my child moved.

Not discussing that, in my opion, is tatamount to lying by omission. If you want the truth from an expectant mom she deserves the same from you.

This is the second thing you have mentioned not discussing. You need to think long and hard I think if an open domestic adoption is really for you. You can find expectant moms that have the same desires as you, but you need to talkk about them, you can't sweep things that major under the rug and not expect there to be problems later on.

Wowza, that's a little bit harsh don't yah think with the long and hard insinuations of preparedness or lack there of regarding a domestic adoption? What do we know about this OP to throw that at her when she's obviously looking for feedback in how to approach the subject in the first place.

If breastfeeding an infant is a big enough deal to the emom..then she too should be asking these quesitons as well and not waiting to pull TPR on her own oversight. If it's a big enough deal for that kind of extreme there should be a balance of responsibilty in being upfront from the getgo. I personally agree that it should be discussed, but by all and not placed on one party alone.

Sounds like this PAP is asking us here for support and guidance to ensure she does in at present herself honestly to an emom. So she's having some kind of inner conflict with it all, she's here asking for guidance regardless.

With recent concersn with formula (relating to health issues and deaths in other countries) I too have been considering methods outside of formula. If it is in our plan I will discuss, but it being a breaker for an emom would throw up a big red flag for me...what else about my parenting and decision making could become an issue for her and how then would it present itself in all of our lives.

[nurse_reedle]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

How could you not discuss that? I wouldn't have matched with someone that wanted to breastfeed. If you want to, fine, but I wouldn't have been comfortable with that for my child. If I found out later that was what the adoptive mother wanted, and it was pre TPR, I don't care if babe was already home, I would have had my child moved.

Not discussing that, in my opion, is tatamount to lying by omission. If you want the truth from an expectant mom she deserves the same from you.

This is the second thing you have mentioned not discussing. You need to think long and hard I think if an open domestic adoption is really for you. You can find expectant moms that have the same desires as you, but you need to talkk about them, you can't sweep things that major under the rug and not expect there to be problems later on.

I have been told repeatedly not to discuss this or that by people. THAT is why I ask that way. And personally...I don't think I should have to discuss every single parenting decision we could possibly ever make prior to placement. *NOT* because I would be trying to lie or misrepresent myself, but because if I am going to be trusted enough to raise someone's child, then I should be trusted to make the best decisions I can for that child. Your reaction is exactly the reason I was told to very clearly not discuss it. I personally am not comfortable with that....or I would just go with it and not ask about it here.

I think you really need to back yourself up and apply some positive intent.

[nurse_reedle]

Oh, and for the record, *I* wanted it so open that I wanted it in our profile. We were told to NOT put it in there...even if we decided to discuss it with the e-mom considering us.

[paigeturner]

I didn’t have the opportunity to discuss this type of thing with my son’s parents; I wasn’t even given the chance to look at profiles back then (yes, I am disgusted with myself for being such a sheeple, but that’s for another thread.) Anyway, things have changed a lot in 25 years. IMO it would be wrong to not disclose something like this to an expectant mother and yes, perhaps an expectant mother should proactively ask, however, having been there I can tell you that there is a lot on an expectant mothers mind when she is working through the idea of placing a child. I’m with Belle, if I were an expectant mother working on an adoption plan today, or back then with the same opportunities, I would not have matched with someone who planned on breastfeeding my child. It would be a total deal breaker for me – just as it would be to place with someone today who would circumcise my child.

As irrational as it probably is, it isn’t natural (to me) for a woman who hasn’t given birth to breastfeed a child – there’s just an “ick” factor for me. I can see the factoids and flames coming on the history of wet-nurses, the cost savings, the bonding, etc. It just doesn’t matter to me. It would have meant that this particular match wasn’t for me or for my son. It doesn’t mean that another expectant mother won’t be looking for a parent for her child that does plan to breastfeed. Isn’t that what matching is all about – finding the right set of parents for a particular child? It isn’t about telling expectant parents what they want to hear to get them to pick you! It’s about finding a match that works for both sets of parents.

[Mommy24]

I would not have had a problem with it and honestly, don't know that I would have wanted to know. It really wasn't an issue for me so long as I knew they would feed him it didn't matter the route they went about it ..lol

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by nurse_reedle

I have been told repeatedly not to discuss this or that by people. THAT is why I ask that way. And personally...I don't think I should have to discuss every single parenting decision we could possibly ever make prior to placement. *NOT* because I would be trying to lie or misrepresent myself, but because if I am going to be trusted enough to raise someone's child, then I should be trusted to make the best decisions I can for that child. Your reaction is exactly the reason I was told to very clearly not discuss it. I personally am not comfortable with that....or I would just go with it and not ask about it here.

I think you really need to back yourself up and apply some positive intent.

Well then, I wouldn't have been the person to match with you huh? For the record, I did ask my son's prospective adoptive mother if she was planning to breastfeed. If she would have said yes, the match would have been over.

I'm not saying that a first mom has to have a say in everything, but you'd be doing that in the hospital right? She completely has a right to know that then, don't you think?

You should put it in your profile, no matter what you're being told. My reaction was honest. Would you prefer lies?

I'm sorry, I don't have positive feelings about adoptive mothers breastfeeding, so I won't be positive about it. I do believe I was supportive in the other thread, so maybe you need to back your accusations up.

[calee]

Yes, I believe you should discuss it. It is a very emotionally charged topic that many e-moms have strong feelings (one way or another) about. If she chooses not to match with you based on it, so be it. That means that child was not your baby. Just like you have a right to turn down a match if you have a major issue with something, an e-mom has that same right. It is a very early, very personal, very intimate act that a brand new mother may or may not be comfortable giving over to another mother. That is neither right nor wrong-it just is. You choosing to do it is totally your right-her choosing to not choose you because of it is totally hers.

[nurse_reedle]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

Well then, I wouldn't have been the person to match with you huh? For the record, I did ask my son's prospective adoptive mother if she was planning to breastfeed. If she would have said yes, the match would have been over.

I'm not saying that a first mom has to have a say in everything, but you'd be doing that in the hospital right? She completely has a right to know that then, don't you think?

You should put it in your profile, no matter what you're being told. My reaction was honest. Would you prefer lies?

I'm sorry, I don't have positive feelings about adoptive mothers breastfeeding, so I won't be positive about it. I do believe I was supportive in the other thread, so maybe you need to back your accusations up.

No you wouldn't have been. I would ABSOLUTELY be honest if asked. I basically was asking if I should bring it up because *I didn't know*. I don't know if I will be breastfeeding in the hospital or not...something to discuss...right? We might have a baby born situation...I don't know. I agree 100% that if I was doing it in the hospital, she WOULD know before I did.

Our profiles are already out, I can't go back and change that at this point. We re-evaluate our profiles soon...I might change it then. Of course I would not prefer lies, and I feel as though I am being considered a liar for being here asking honest questions to know what, when and how to discuss things with any e-moms we have. I don't even *get* that.

I am sorry that you don't see the great things for your child about adoptive breastfeeding. I honestly don't really understand that mind set, but I am not in your shoes either. I know lots of people have different feelings than me about it...and that is ok. I was feeling a lot of hostility about adoptive breastfeeding in your post and was really blown away by that.